Then
She still had the key. Karen never asked for it back, and Grace never made the move to return it. In all honesty, she forgot that she had it until she felt the cold metal at the bottom of her purse and fished it out. She had placed it on her nightstand for safekeeping, with good intentions and thoughts of slipping it back into Karen's hand. But the days had gone by, the silver growing colder and colder from lack of touch, and since she was never reminded of it, she let her forgetfulness reign. It was a quality that usually sunk her.
Right now, though, she was thinking that it wasn't such a bad thing.
With everything that had been going on, despite the fact that she felt as though she was moving on from Nathan, Grace knew that Karen was the only one who could understand her. It didn't matter if it seemed like Grace had the more stable, the happier relationship of the two. It didn't matter if Karen had thoughts of leaving Stan long before he was forced to go away, or that they had spent their days shouting at each other rather than talking, if they spoke to each other at all. It was still the same thing; there was someone there, and now he was gone. And no matter how they conducted their relationships, that loss was hard to handle.
Being so close to marriage, being in the middle of it, having it slip from your fingers like rain. It was something that Will just couldn't grasp, even though Grace loved that he tried. She could tell by the things he said. He knew about the end of love, better than a lot of people. Spending seven years with a man just to watch him walk out the door was enough to shift your world. But no matter what he said, she never felt like he truly got it. And she was dying to talk to Karen. She just wasn't sure if that bridge was completely burned yet.
They hadn't spoken of that kiss, and until her break-up with Nathan, Grace thought that they had gotten over it, paved the way to their version of normality. But then he left, and just like that, Grace was taken back to that night, the morning after, all the confliction and overanalyzing. She knew that Karen could sense that something was wrong, but she never called her out on it. Deep down, she was glad. She didn't want to talk about it again; not with Karen, not with anyone. Talking got her tangled in a mix of too many things she wanted to do without.
But silence on the outside made these thoughts so much louder on the inside.
Lying on her bed, she turned to face the nightstand, saw the key resting on the surface. Since Nathan left, she could barely keep her mind off of that night with Karen. How at that moment, it didn't feel wrong, and it didn't seem out of the ordinary. How Karen didn't pull away. That was the one thing that she was stuck on. Karen didn't pull away. If it hadn't been for the fact that she ended the kiss on her own, how far would they have let it go? How would it have been the morning after?
Would Karen still be interested if it happened again?
The key on the nightstand was too tempting with these thoughts floating around. Every time Grace thought about it, she couldn't come up with any other reason than her relationship with Nathan as to why she stopped things before they could go to a place they could never from which they could never return. But that wasn't an issue anymore. And it wasn't as though that kiss was the worst thing in the world. In fact, she was secretly longing for the way that felt. She tried to find it in something else, anything else, but got nowhere. And all she wanted to do was turn those wheels. But she'd settle for at least seeing Karen right now.
Will had scooped her up in a hug before he went to bed, he could sense that something was off, but despite his attempt to make her feel better, she only felt more alone. She loved his efforts. She just wished his efforts were enough. What would be the worst to happen if she went over to the penthouse? Karen would be asleep? She would say that it's too late for this, to come back later? She wasn't planning on doing anything. She wasn't planning on rekindling whatever spark was there before. She was just looking for a place that didn't feel so suffocating. Grace sat upright on the bed and picked up the key.
She knew it was late, but she had to go to the one place where she knew she'd be understood.
It was one thing to believe that your husband was starting to check out of the marriage. It was another to have him verbally confirm it.
She knew that he didn't mean it like that. Telling her that if she happened to sleep with someone while he was away, it would be okay. No reason for her to be lonely. She knew Stan. She realized that he probably meant that he felt bad about the fact that he was leaving her alone. But it came out like he didn't care what she did with her free time. Giving her a free pass like that. It hurt to know that she had been as supportive as she could be this entire time, only to hear something as demeaning to their marriage as that slip from his lips. But now that a week had passed since that Thanksgiving visit, she found herself detaching from her marriage even more than she had before. She found herself completely alone.
She found herself longing for someone who felt the same way. No. Not just someone. Grace. She was the closest person to her who could relate. But Karen hadn't held a legitimate conversation with her since Nathan left; it was obvious what they were both thinking. And it was better not to rehash it, put a bigger burden on each of them. They knew what happened the last time Karen started to talk about anything real; just because they were able to bounce back from it once didn't mean they had the strength to do it again.
Still, it would be a hell of a lot more comforting if Grace were here.
Karen didn't know what it was about tonight that made her feel the chill of solitude more than ever. But as she lit her cigarette, she walked out onto the balcony to feel the cold air, to put a physical feeling to an internal problem. She used to do this when Stan was still around, coming out here at night just to feel something, even if it made her shiver. And when he found her out there, he thought her crazy. Perhaps she was. But at least she didn't try to cover it up, which was more than she could say for her current state. No one was around to look for her. No one was around for her to explain these things to. Sure, she told Will and Jack and Grace about Stan's proposition as soon as she got back in that car, but she was certain they only took it at face value. Well. Maybe Grace didn't, but she acted like it for her own benefit. It would only be when the two women were alone that Karen would begin to feel as though someone understood. But it was a long shot to get Grace alone.
The orange glow of the tip of her cigarette had reached her fingers, and as she put it out, she sighed and looked at the inside of the library. Everything in this house seemed bigger to her now, she was starting to realize. It was different when Grace was here. As Stan made his exit, the red head immediately made her entrance. She had been gone for some time now, but the fact that they had become awkward with each other put a heavy emphasis on this newfound isolation she wasn't sure she wanted. And now even the tiniest spaces seemed too big for her. She hated it.
When she got to the bedroom, she pulled back the sheets and climbed in. The pillow caught her head as she thought about the cycle. Tomorrow would be like this. And the next day. For who knows how long. Stan still didn't give her a definite answer as to when he'd be released. It was too much. She needed to know when it would end, for her own sanity. Everything that was swimming in her head wouldn't slow down, it wouldn't let her close her eyes and sleep. It kept her occupied in ways she never wanted.
She was too busy with these thoughts to hear the front door to the penthouse open.
She didn't make a sound when she turned the lock and opened the door. If any of the help were awake, they didn't make themselves known. She tiptoed up the stairs, slowly, hoping that the wood would not creak underneath her feet; she didn't know what she would do if she were suddenly confronted, if she were asked why she was here. Because honestly, she wasn't quite sure of her reasons; she just knew what she felt in the pit of her stomach, and she knew that there was only one way to start to fix things.
The silence calmed her. She saw that the door to the bedroom was open and froze. What the hell was she doing? Was this considered breaking in? She had a key, she didn't have to force her way in here, but what were the chances that the spare key was remembered in the first place? How could she walk in like this was normal? Nothing about this was normal.
But that was the thrill.
She saw her there, underneath the sheets, lying down on her left side. She couldn't tell if Karen was sleeping, but she hoped to god that she was. One step forward, and then another. As she got closer, she could smell a hint of gardenia, and felt herself slowly becoming intoxicated by it all. She stopped at the edge of the bed. Well. You're here, Grace. If you're going to do it, do it now.
She crawled into the empty side of the bed, felt the mattress give beneath her weight and knew that Karen could probably feel it too. If Karen was awake, she didn't move, maybe to be nice, to make it easier for her. Grace slowly slid her arms around Karen's waist. She could feel the warmth of Karen's body against her own, and she had to admit that it started to put her at ease. At the same time, she knew that she probably shouldn't be here. She started to feel her body want to move, want to leave. If Karen was asleep, she wouldn't know that Grace was here. It was that simple. But as soon as she made her mind up to go, she felt that soft touch on her hands.
"Welcome back," Karen whispered. And she could feel the red head's smile against her back as they fell asleep.