"Oh? If it isn't little Lovino~. Как дела?" Ivan smiled.
"What the hell do you think? Shit, as usual." I mumbled as I slowly sat down next to the large Russian man. Ivan raised a silver eyebrow as he questionably looked down at my smaller frame. I snapped my head toward me, throwing a glare his way.
"What?" I asked with obvious frustration.
Letting his brow fall, he simply shrugged his shoulders and chuckled.
"It's nothing. You just seem more aggravated lately. Does something bother you friend?"
Huffing in annoyance, my glare hardens as I stared directly into his eyes to let him know that I was telling him the absolute truth.
"First off, I am not your friend! I do not have any friends. You are just a tablemate that I just happen to sit next to everyday. The closest I would consider you to be is no more than an acquaintance. Secondly, no, nothing is going on. Or at least nothing that should concern you, anyway."
Fuck, what is with everyone today!? Asking if I'm alright and shit. Is there something leaking into the air or something? Must be. This isn't the first time Ivan has done this, but now other people!
Ivan sighed deeply before turning his attention elsewhere, knowing full well that it takes a lot more to get me to open up.
I relaxed my shoulders and took a large breath in and exhaled in relaxation as I tried to clear my head, attempting to get some peace before all hell broke loose once more.
Glancing around the table Ivan and I were currently sitting at; I looked at the other occupants with a bored expression as they started to ramble on about different topics.
There was Arthur Kirkland, the so-called "wizard" of the school. He was sitting in between the always invisible Mathew Williams to his left and the brother obsessed Natalia to his right. Next to them was the trigger happy Swiss man Vash and his younger sister Lili who was chatting with Ivan and Natalia's older sister, Katyusha. Sitting directly in front of me is the ever-so-loud albino, Gilbert, and the quiet and resourceful otaku beside him, Kiku.
Confused as to why I am sitting at a table with other people? Well, I hope you fucking are.
And if you haven't realized that this school is stereotypical as fuck at the beginning, well then you have not seen enough of that Hollywood bullshit then. This school is the embodiment of all high school cliché movies.
And just like in Mean Girls, you have the jocks in one group together, the band geeks, theater, the popular kids, etc.
As for us, we call ourselves the "Undesirables". We are the people that everyone avoids or bully. The unpleasant and unwanted group of the school.
Grunting in exhaustion, I crack my eyes open and stare at the two men in front of me as they idly chat with the other.
God, that fucker is get way to loud! He needs to settle the fuck down!
I frowned slighting as I directed my sight solely on Kiku. There was something about him that I just didn't understand. Why the hell is he here? He shouldn't be sitting here. He is friends with my brother and his stupid potato, so why does he choose to sit here of all places? It just doesn't make any sense.
He has the ability to leave whenever he wants and have a normal high school life, free from the taunting of others. Even now, he doesn't get as much shit on as the rest of us.
Honestly, I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of the freedom he possesses. It may not be a lot, but it's more than I have ever had in my short lifetime.
Perhaps it is the friendship with my brother. Or maybe it's because of his kind and helpful nature. Maybe both?
Whatever it is, if I were him, I would have taken opportunity and ran for the hills with it a long time ago.
"Lovino, are you alright? You've been staring at me for quite some time now." Kiku asked with worry lacing across his usually emotionless face.
Rapidly blinking out of my thoughts, I glanced around the table to notice everyone looking my way, containing the same expression Kiku had. Minus Natalia and Vash that is, their faces were blank and uncaring as they always were. I quickly nodded and looked down at the table, avoided everyone's eyes.
"Perfect. Just perfect."
There was a pregnant pause between everyone as the atmosphere grew thicker with every passing second as their eyes bore into me painfully. My eye began to twitch as I hoped someone would break the silence.
"Oh, if you say so." Kiku said disappointed.
Signaling that lunch is now over, the bell blared loudly on the speakers, sending students scrambling to throw their trash away and rush to their next class.
As soon as the massive crowd of students cleared up everyone at our table stood up and made their way to the doors.
"Let's go Lili, we have to get to class before we are late." Vash said dragging Lili by the arm.
"A-Alright. Bye everyone." Lili waved as she trailed behind her brother.
"Later losers, I've got to take my leave. But don't worry, you will see the awesome me once more." Gilbert yelled as he took off from the rest of the group. Kiku, Arthur and Mathew shortly after.
Before I could make my way into the hallways, Ivan stopped me before I had the chance.
"Look, if I am late to class, I am going to get my ass handed to me again. So please make this quick." I pinched the bridge of my nose, sighing.
"I just want you to hear me out alright. I understand that you do not consider you and I to be friends, nor do you consider the others as well, and I am alright with that. But, I just to tell you that it's alright to tell us anything that is on your mind. It's better to just let it out then to just keep it in. Please just consider the possibility. After all, undesirables should stick together." I stared at him for a while longer before turning around and facing the doors, in deep thought.
Deciding to not give a reply, I walked to the double doors and placed my hand on the when he added, "You might not, be we consider you a friend."
My eyes widened for a split second before closing them and slamming the doors open and stomping down the hallways away from Ivan.
Shit… I never wanted this… I thought clenching my fists tightly storming my way to my class.
What do you mean? You've always wanted to have friends. A voice asked.
That's not what I meant! That's never what I wanted! Clutching my hands to my head, my pace began to quicken into a fast walk.
Then what do you want? It questioned.
I-I don't know… I replied, not believing myself for a second.
That's not an answer! What do you want!?
I don't know!
Answer me! What is it that you want!
I DON'T KNOW! I screamed back. At this point my walking turned into a sprint as I made my way passed my classroom not even caring of what would become of me.
I-I just…
Why…
Why am I so emotional all of a sudden? What Ivan said, shouldn't have affected me. So why…why am I so angry and sad all of a sudden? What is wrong with me?
I'm shit! Shit! Complete garbage! I'm a waste of time and space to be around! I don't deserve to be around people who care about me! Who try to help and support me even though I act like a complete asshole to them!
And these damn voices just keep getting louder and louder! No matter how fast or far I run, they just seem to get closer and closer.
I can't take this anymore!
"J-Just leave me alone…P-Please! Just shut up!" I sob my voice cracking as tears cascaded down my face as I shut my eyes, attempting to prevent more tears from falling. My hands firmly planted on my ears as I tried to block out all of the noises.
Suddenly feeling a sharp pain run through my body, I fall on my ass realizing I ran into something hard.
"Oh, I'm sorry I wasn't watching where I was going. I'm kind of loss-you see…? Lovi?" Antonio face breaks out into worry and he looks down at me.
My red cheeks were completely stained in tears and my eyes bloodshot red as I let out small hiccups.
Fuck! Can this day just get any worse!?
"Lovi, what's wrong? Are you hurt!? Did something happen?" Antonio said panicking as he bends down to my eye level on the ground.
No, I don't need any more of this!
As he reached his hand out, I quickly swat it away, giving him the deadliest glare I could muster in my state.
" ."
Antonio froze in his place, arm still outstretch, a look of incredulous clear on his face as we stared at each other.
"Lo-"
Before he could say I word, I picked myself up and took off down the hall at an alarming rate.
"Lovino wait!"
Fuck him! Fuck Antonio! Who does he think he is trying to touch me? Trying to be nice! I hate people like him. They can all just go and die for all I care.
Finding my destination, I quickly kick open the door and make my way up the stairs.
"Lovi, please wait!" God damnit! That fucker is catching up!
Ah, finally!
Kicking open the door to the rooftop, I run across the building and quickly take a step up onto the ledge as I glance down to see myself 5 stories up. Feeling a sudden wooziness overcome me, I just slightly pray that this fall will be enough to end it.
"Lovino, what are you doing!?" Antonio panicked. I glared at him as I gestured down below me.
"What the fuck do you think it looks like, asshole!" I yelled, as I tried to control my sobs.
"Lovino, please, just listen to me-"
"No YOU fucking listen to ME! I don't know who you fucking think you are, but you have no right to just walk into my life like that and self-proclaim yourself as someone I can trust! And to someone you don't even know! What kind of person does that!?" I yelled and I paced back and forth on the ledge, causing Antonio's heart to drop.
"An idiot, that's who," He said trying to remain clam as to not push me further. "I agree, I am a huge idiot who doesn't know how to give people their space and am always way too happy."
"You're damn right about that! I've only known you for a day and your happiness makes me want to puke! I swear you're like all of these other asshole at the school!"
"How is that so?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?" I muttered. He just shook his head, a pleading look in his eyes.
"Please tell me."
"Why? Just so you can use me and then stab me in the back like everyone else in the world. Well you'll just have to get in line!"
"Is that it?"
"Is that it? Of course it's not! There is tons more to it than that! There's all the times I've been called horrendous names, pushed, punched, kicked, so many things have happened! And I have tried so hard to keep how I feel to myself, and to pretend that these emotions that I am feeling are not real, but now it seems to be getting harder and harder to contain them! There are so many emotions surfacing that I don't even know what's real anymore!" Crouching down, I glanced at the ground below me as the tears came back, flooding my vision. I slowly placed my hands on my head and sat in a fetal position.
"I'm a terrible person! I don't deserve to have people as nice as you or Ivan or anyone else! I'm a jerk with uncontrollable anger issues who just takes up space! I don't need anyone; they all just leave me anyway." That idiot hasn't talked for a while now; he's probably sick of hearing me complain and wants me gone too.
Just like everyone else.
What I didn't realize was that while I was having my meltdown was that Antonio was slowly inching closer to me, trying to be as silent as he possibly could as not to startle me.
Before I could jump off, Antonio's arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me back. Landing on my ass, Antonio pushed me flat on the ground with him leaning over me, legs on opposite sides of mine in a straddle like position. His face contorted in a deep frown, enough to make me uncomfortable, but his eyes were still gentle and kind, with understanding.
My eyes were wide in shock and disbelief. This has never happened before. If he was someone else, they would have let me jump to my death. But, why him? Why did he stop me? I don't understand…
"I-"
"No! Let me talk." I scoffed at him. No one tells me to stop talking!
"Fuck that-! "
"Just STOP talking! Let. Me. Talk!" Well, maybe just this once…
"…"
He sighed deeply, before looking me straight in the eyes.
"I understand." I blinked at him not knowing what he was talking about. In seeing my confusion, he decided to get straight to the point.
"I know what you are going through. It's not an easy life to live in these days. What with so many people having to deal with heavy burdens alone, a lot can get out of hand…But please, I need you to listen to what I have to say…" His eyes grew heavier and his tone softer and silky giving him an allure that most would swoon at. Eyeing my hands, which lied beside my head, he reached out his hands out to wrap his around my own, our fingers slide against each other's as they intertwined. As he slowly starts leaning down, my cheeks grew into a dangerous shade of red, causing me to close my eyes to save myself from the embarrassment of looking him in the eye.
Feeling his forehead touch mine, I dared not to open them, as if he was death himself coming to take me away if I even took one glance at him. And as much as that sounded a few minutes ago, I am too afraid to do so now.
"Lovi, please open your eyes and look at me." He gently pleaded.
"N-No…" I whispered.
"Why not?"
"Because…"
"Because why?"
"Because-"
I just can't finish my sentence. It was as if some evil force was preventing me from doing so. Trying to muster up as much energy as I could, I let out the tiniest whisper I could conjure, but loud enough so he could still hear.
"Because I'm afraid." Antonio stayed silent for a few seconds before replying.
"What are you afraid of?"
This is it, I've cracked. Finally opening my eyes, I glare at him. Not only did it hold remorse and pain, but also with relief, as if a large weight was lifted off of me.
"I'm afraid of everything! I'm afraid that this isn't real and that you aren't real, and that after all of this this will be all for nothing! I'm afraid of being hurt and abused again, and having to go back to my life of self-loathing and pity! All I want to do is to not be myself but rather someone else, anyone but myself! I don't care! I just want to chance, is that so much to ask?"
Antonio slightly tightened his grip on my hands as his forehead remained glued to mine.
"Don't." Glancing up at him, a gentle smile spread across his face.
"What? What do you mean don't?"
"It means exactly what I said, don't." I narrowed my eyes at him in annoyance.
"Aren't you supposed to be making me feel better or something, this isn't exactly helping you know?"
That fucker, he's laughing!
"I-I'm sorry~ what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't change who you are." Grunting in irritation, I glared at him.
"And why not?"
"Because I think you are perfect the way you are. Faults and all."
"…"
"And no matter what you say or do I am never going back on what I said!" He said as he finally got off of me. A large grin spread across his face as he sat down next to me.
"W-What!? You better fucking take back what you said!" I yelled as I sat up beside him.
"Nope~!"
"God damnit!" I screamed.
"No swearing, Lovi!"
"Don't call me Lovi, you bastard!"
After some time later both of us made it back down to the first floor of the large school, as I still fumed in rage at the Spaniard beside me.
"Oh I forgot something!" Antonio said as he snapped his fingers.
"Oh yeah and what is that!?" I said annoyed with my eyes closed and arms folded against my chest. Feeling something wet against my forehead and an arm wrapped around me, I opened my eyes to find him kissing it, causing my face erupted into 50 shades of red.
After he pulled away he had the tiniest smirk on his face, pissing me off even more.
"Hey Lovi~?"
"W-what do you fucking want?"
"I'll never leave your side. I promise you."