Soundtrack: Clint Mansell - Moon - The Nursery
"Donna...I..." Dr Elkins said as Donna turned her head to see Casey being cradled in her arms with a blanket over her.
"Oh god," Donna said as a tear fell down her face.
"Take your time Mrs Paulsen." Dr Elkins said as she slowly handed her Casey in her arms.
Harvey shook his head furiously as he ran outside of the room unable to cope with the emotions overcoming him. He couldn't handle seeing Donna hold their dead child and seeing her heart break even further. Donna looked down at Casey and by the pale skin, she could tell he had passed on. There was no sense of a soul being present.
"Hey, Casey. It's okay now, everything's gonna be okay you wanna know why? I'll always keep you close to my heart." Donna whispered slowly getting his finger and pointing it to her heart. "But now you've got an important job. More important than me taking care of you now." She paused for a moment unable to conjure up the following words. She closed her eyes and tried to speak. "God needs you to go back to heaven Casey. He needs a small but strong angel and luckily you're my son so you're going to be stronger than everyone else. It's a shame that your little footprints haven't touched the ground you were meant to walk but you'll have wings now and you'll sore into the sky and see this perfect world we were meant to explore. I carried you for nine months inside me and now it's time for you to use the wings and carry yourself and fly into God's arms. Before you go..." Donna paused and began to sob. "I want you to take half of my heart and keep it with you. Remember me and your dad when you're with God." She whispered as she kissed Casey on his forehead. "We'll miss you so much but God has chosen you so behave and remember to look over us no matter what. We need you to shine some light over us when the days are dark and it seems there'll be no light at the end of the tunnel."
There was a knock on the door which got Harvey to get up and slowly walk towards the door and slowly open it. He saw Rachel looking devastated with tears already dripping down her eyes with Mike next to her in shock.
"Is it true?" Mike asked as he saw a tear slowly drop from Harvey's eyes as he nodded.
"Oh god." Rachel gasped as she walked into the room and rushed towards Donna lying down on the bed looking through the window lost in her thoughts.
"Donna, I-"
"She won't respond to anyone," Harvey said sitting down next to Mike as Rachel looked at him.
"How long she's been like this?" Rachel asked holding Donna's hand in hers.
"A few hours. The doctor says I shouldn't try to do anything." Harvey said as Rachel looked at her now dry eyes.
"Donna I don't know what to say. I-this shouldn't have-happened-it shouldn't have happened to you. It's just, I really don't know what to say." Rachel said wiping her eyes from the tears that were formed from before.
"How are you holding up?" Mike asked Harvey and Harvey looked down at him.
"Horribly," Harvey commented shaking his head.
"I don't know what to say, Harvey. Take your time and you'll get through this. You always do." Mike said reassuringly.
"There's a difference between getting through mental pain and emotional pain. You can forget what someone said but you can never forget how they made you feel." Harvey said looking down at the floor.
"It can only get easier Harvey," Mike said confidently.
"It's not me I'm worried about. It's Donna. I don't know how she's gonna get through this."
The rain was pouring down heavy in a murky grotesque afternoon as they stared down Casey's tombstone that set next to Harvey's father letting the tears get lost with the rain.
The funeral was small and most of the people had left because of the rain but Donna and Harvey stayed behind not bothered about the people letting them have their private time alone or if people approached them giving advice that clearly wouldn't help.
As Donna was lost in her thoughts she felt a hand grasping her making look at it. She saw Harvey's hand holding as she looked up to see Harvey looking down at her nodding.
"I don't want to leave him here all alone. He needs his parents." Donna whispered walking towards the grave but his hand held his wrists tightly stopping her from going forward. She turned her head behind as Harvey shook his head.
"He needs to be set free now," Harvey whispered as Donna shook her head furiously.
"I don't want to set him free!" Donna shouted falling on her knees and sobbing looking down on the ground.
"The only thing I can recommend you do is to sit here and grieve." Dr Agard said staring down at Donna who looked on the stain on the floor.
"I don't want to grieve, I just wanna put the bed warmer over his pyjamas and watch him sleep," Donna said sadly.
"Donna, I-"
"What you gonna do?" Donna asked looking up at her then back down onto the floor. "Stop me from leaving my house because I might faint in the middle of the road with all the stress I'm going through?" She asked shrugging.
"I'm just here to guide you-"
"To a path, that's only going to transcend down into horror and trauma. Don't psychoanalyze me. You won't like me when I'm psychoanalyzed." Donna said looking up to look at her.
"I know how you're feeling right now but I need you to try and express-"
"Don't tell me you know how this feels unless you've lost a child!" She said raising her voice as Dr Agard stopped talking. "You don't know what it's like to accept the fact that I'll never be able to get him back again. He's gone forever and eventually when I'm old and clumsy I'll forget what he ever looks like...but I'll never forget the feeling I got that day. It'll never go away. Scars were meant to last a lifetime." Donna said getting up and turning to face the door.
"Not if you can heal from them. They'll be there but it'll only remind you that we're all broken people living in an imperfect world." Dr Agard said as Donna paused to turn around and sit back in the chair.
"I'm sorry Dr Agard. I just..."
"Don't be sorry for expressing yourself. That's the point of you coming here. You gotta open up and not be afraid of what I'll think when you talk about what you're feeling." Dr Agard said making a note in her notepad.
"What makes you think you can convince me that everything will be fine?" Donna asked as Dr Agard looked up from her notepad.
"What do you mean?" Dr Agard asked crossing her eyebrows.
"One day the devil went to God and he told him that he could turn a holy man into a sinner. God accepted the challenge as he told the devil of a holy man named Jake. The devil went to Jake and he started to destroy everything around him. He turned his wife into an adulterer as Joel could never see eye to eye with his wife again. His children left him after the devil convinced them that it was their father who committed the sin of adultery. The devil whispered rumours to his friends and their friends about how Jake sexually assaulted a child of 5 causing them to act rebellious against Jake. They beat him up whenever he'd set foot outside his house, spat on his face, spoke ill of him behind his back but after all that, Jake would still go onto his knees and prayed to God asking for forgiveness for something he never did and to wish everything would be right. At that moment, the devil realised he'd lost a bet and he would inflict sin among all of the human race. So I guess what I'm asking is if the devil couldn't convince Jake to change what makes you think you can change me?" Donna asked taking a deep breath and waiting for her response.
"Because I want you to keep believing in God." Dr Agard said tilting her head and leaning forward a little setting her notepad on the floor.
"I'm starting to feel like he doesn't exist anymore, that there is nothing but death," Donna said shaking her head and looking away from her.
"Then there's no point of your story if the devil is winning." Dr Agard said interested to see her response.
"I'm sorry for throwing a tantrum at you," Donna said shaking her head.
"Don't apologise for coming to me. You're not fond of eye contact, are you?" Dr Agard said as Donna looked at her briefly.
"I find eyes distracting. It's because I'm afraid I'll see through a person's soul and see who they really are." Donna said nodding her head.
"What do you see when you look through Harvey's soul before and after Casey passed?"
"All I see now is darkness," Donna said shaking her head.
"How are you feeling Harvey?" Dr Agard asked as Harvey took a seat.
"There's not an answer to that I can give that'd satisfy you." Harvey said settling on the chair.
"Why would you say that?" Dr Agard asked curiously.
"If I say I'm okay then I'll be accused for lying and if I tell you the truth then you'll psychoanalyze the fuck out of me." Harvey said looking at her.
"Your wife told me the same thing but in another context." Dr Agard said trying to encourage a smile on Harvey's face.
"Can I ask you a question Dr Agard?" Harvey asked making her raise her eyebrows.
"Sure." Dr Agard said looking at Harvey.
"God gave me a child. I bonded with child and then he decided to take him away from me...Why? What if he never died and we were meant to be happy like we were supposed to? I wanted to run away with Donna and the kids when I'd get older but I don't know where we would have gone. Maybe this is God's way of saying I was meant to stay here; he could have just told me. He didn't have to take a part of me away." Harvey said looking down at the floor.
"What would happen if you and Donna...if something would cause you both to never see each other ever again?" Dr Agard asked as he slowly lifted his head up to look at her.
"Both of us are alone without each other.
"Who are you?" Dr Agard asked opening the door and looking up to see a woman with a powerful stature.
"You know who I am?"
"Jessica?" Dr Agard asked curiously as Jessica nodded.
"Bingo," Jessica said.
"Harvey was right, you really do have a powerful stature. Sort of like Vladimir Putin no offence." Dr Agard said signalling Jessica to enter the room as she nodded accepting her request and walked towards the chair.
"Whenever someone compares me to a powerful figure than how can I take offence? It's more of a backhanded compliment since it's Vladimir Putin, if you'd say Hitler then I would have slapped you." Jessica said watching Dr Agard take her seat across her.
"And risk filming yourself using my CCTV cameras? But you wouldn't do that because you know about them." Dr Agard said nodding her hair.
"I guess Harvey chose the right therapist," Jessica said impressed at her.
"What do you want anyway? You wanna be a client of mine or-"
"I want to know how he's getting along," Jessica said quickly getting to the point.
"I don't know whether you like metaphors or not but it's useful in this case. Donna is Harvey's matador. He feels her. He understands her. He defies her. He can tame her. And he's the only one able and allowed to do that. However, they can also kill each other. Anytime." Dr Agard said as there was a mutual pause between both of them.
"Is that your personal opinion or your medical opinion?" Jessica asked curiously.
"Why does it have to be one of the other? But to answer your question it's both. Keep an eye on them, the last thing you want is your best worker's life getting destroyed before your eyes." Dr Agard recommended.
"I will. Thank you for speaking with me Dr Agard." Jessica said standing up.
"Pleasure's all mine."
"Donna it's okay," Harvey said holding Donna in her arms as she began to cry with tears running down her face. "It was just a nightmare, just a nightmare."
"I want to scream Harvey," Donna whispered shaking her head. "I want to run away, anywhere until my feet bleed and I want to scream but I can't Harvey. I...I can't."
Harvey slowly laid her down next to her placing her arms around her and looking down at her. "Donna. I promise you that it'll get better. If the world was perfect then we wouldn't know the difference between good or evil."
"I don't want to know the difference-"
"But that's life, Donna. Do you trust me?" Harvey asked taking her hand and kissing the back of it.
"With my life," Donna whispered.
"Then trust me when I say that when you look down the dark tunnel, I'm standing right beside you," Harvey whispered back and kissing her cheek. "Sleep, my love. Sleep can help the biggest of heartaches and the deepest of troubles."
"Harvey, do you think you should be back at work?" Mike asked seeing Harvey on his laptop.
"Sure. I heard that you needed my help with your case." Harvey said looking up at Mike.
"We do but-"
"No buts. I'm back now and you're gonna have to get used to me kicking your asses and pushing you." Harvey said smiling as Mike smiled back.
"You're smiling," Mike said nodding his head.
"It feels great I guess. Felt like it's been a while since I smiled and since everything's felt this right." Harvey said nodding as Mike walked away.
He stared at his laptop screen and his mood suddenly changed when he saw his laptop screensaver of him with Donna holding Patrick and Casey in their hands. He stared at their smiles, specifically Donna's and realized how much he missed her smile. That's when he broke down.
Usually, everyone cares about a mother's tears but they never realize that the father's heart is also broken when their child dies. For over a month he's been trying to hold it together and be strong for Donna despite the fact that his life will never be the same again. He has to comfort Donna to sleep every night as she's visibly broken from her nightmares and suppressed memories that trigger a great emotional response.
Tears started to stream down his face as he buried his face in his hands. He can't show how much this has broken him in front of everyone so he has to do it alone when no one is watching him and no one will judge him when they realize his whole world has crashed around him. He had no help through his tears so he has to smile through them as the brightness turns bleak.
Men usually don't show how they're feeling because they have to be strong for their loved ones.
But he didn't care about who was watching him right now.
He just wanted his son back.