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He had put it off as long as he could…longer than he should have if John Smith was being honest with himself. Yet as his feet trod along the familiar street and his house came in sight John had to squash the impulse to turn around and flee. To return to that blissful state of wilful ignorance that he had indulged in over the last few days…deliberately indulged in…
The Friday spent lolling around in bed with Missy had quite naturally spiralled into Saturday and since Missy eschewed anything remotely domestic like cooking into a very late brunch at a nearby bistro. That spiralled into a trip to a nearby second-hand bookstore that Missy insisted he visit. Several hours had been lost in there simply browsing through the stacks and John's excitement had been palpable when he found a first edition of one his favourites.
Another hour or so more had been wasted in fruitless entertaining argument over who should buy it. John wasn't accustomed to receiving gifts but Missy had insisted on purchasing it as it would save her searching to find him a Christmas present. That had led quite naturally onto another heated discussion over what he should get for her in return. John hated shopping for other people he admitted it quite openly, despised it in fact and was surprised when Missy wholeheartedly agreed with him and offered to help by picking her own present.
Which led quite naturally to John Smith being proved wrong for one of the few times in life…
Well one of the first times he would openly admit to but it had been surprisingly enjoyable helping Missy pick out some new underwear from one of her favourite boutiques. He had purchased far more than he had intended to and the shop assistant who had probably doubled her wages in commission had been only to eager to mention that they kept Dr Saxon's measurements on file just in case he ever felt like popping back in and picking up something to surprise her with.
A bag full of ladies underthings in tow John had been only too delighted to oblige when Missy insisted on returning home to gain his opinion on her present…not that they had gotten past the first outfit…John supposed he would get around to seeing the others eventually.
So now it was Sunday…Sunday lunchtime and Missy had kicked him out claiming that even she needed time to recuperate otherwise she would look positively haggard for her Monday clients, especially as thanks to him she now had a full day's work to suffer through. It was an excuse he knew it and she knew that he knew it but John supposed she was right to do it, he couldn't hide away in her apartment forever…he had to face the consequences of his actions.
Shoving his hands into his pocket John's fingers closed around his dead mobile phone. He didn't need to charge it to guess what he would find on it when he did and part of John wanted nothing more than to throw it away so he never had to go through the purgatory of listening and deleting all those panicked voicemails Clara had probably left for him. In his other fist he gripped his house keys, retrieving them and putting the Yale key in the lock John took a deep breath in preparation for what might be lurking on the other side…tears, anger, accusations he deserved them all.
Before he could turn the key in the lock the door was being opened from the inside and John swallowed nervously as a certain diminutive brunette appeared framed in the doorway.
For a moment her emotions seemed to fight for purchase across her face, eyes wide and tearstained, mouth firm with anger and yet her chin seemed to tremble.
"I'm s…." John began his apology cut off as Clara's little hand lashed out and caught him firmly across the cheek knocking the words right out of him.
Then just as suddenly as her hand had struck Clara was flinging herself at him, her little hands going around his neck as she seemed to hang from him the fury of her pent up tears now being vented against his broad shoulder and John could only stand there awkward and uncomfortable. Realising he had to do something and that asking her to please get off would only get him another slap John patted her back clumsily in what was an approximation of a soothing gesture.
Standing in the open doorway a sobbing girl hanging around his neck and half in his arms John had to suppress the wish for the ground to open up and swallow him. What had he been thinking, he wasn't cut out for this, he didn't know what to do, it was embarrassing and he could hear the barely whispered muttering of people passing by in the street, they were putting on quite the spectacle. Somehow John managed to shuffle them further into the hall, shutting the front door with a satisfying slam, and shutting out the prying eyes of the neighbourhood. Now at least he only had his crying girlfriend to deal with…
"Clara? Are you alright?"
The sound of a man's voice calling up from the kitchen immediately wrong-footed him and John could only stare in growing irritation as footsteps and then a handsome young man appeared, his dark eyes widening in surprise and then narrowing in anger as he caught sight of John and the crying Clara.
"Finally bothered to come back then." The young man retorted, just barely on the side of politeness for a guest in his house and John couldn't help the instant aversion to him that formed in his gut.
"I'm sorry who are you?" John spluttered, choosing not to add the confrontational and what the hell are you doing in my house on the end. Yet clearly he didn't need to say it as the message was broadcast loud clear.
"Clara's friend, the one she called when you pulled your little Houdini act." He replied curtly and John couldn't help but scowl at the possessive way the boy said his girlfriend's name.
"Danny don't." Clara finally spoke letting go of a relieved John long enough to wipe away the remains of her tears with the back of her hand.
"Why not you are not going to just let him walk back in here and all's forgiven. You've been worried sick. She's been out of her mind because of you!" Danny added the last jibe aimed squarely at John. "You've been reported missing if you care about such things; we've been to visit every single hospital with your picture, driven around half the city…"
"Danny…"
"No let him finish Clara clearly your friend here is trying to make a point!" John snorted, his tone twisting the word friend in a suggestive manner that earned him a death glare from Clara and a look of disgust from Danny boy.
"Don't you dare." Clara's words were softly spoken but there was no denying the steel behind them and John felt the tinge of shame colour his cheeks.
"You right I'm sorry I shouldn't…" He began guilt churning his stomach when he recalled just how he had spent the last few days.
"No you should not." Clara growled before pulling herself together and turning to face their guest. "Danny perhaps you should…"
Deflating slightly at her words Danny shuffled uncomfortably before grudgingly agreeing and John couldn't help but smirk as the young suitor was dismissed so easily.
"Are you sure you don't want me to…"
"I'm sure." Clara replied with a forced certainty that John knew her well enough to recognise but clearly Danny didn't. "I'll see you at work alright." She added elbowing John out of the way as she opened the door for Danny.
"If you need anything you call me!" Danny paused on the threshold, his dark eyes softening noticeably as only Clara filled his gaze. "I mean it no trying to be all brave and stoic."
Snorting at what was clearly an injoke between them Clara nodded before leaning up and pressed a brief kiss to Danny's stubbled cheek causing him to start in pleasant surprise. "Thank you." She whispered gazing up into the young man's face and for a moment John was the one who felt like the intruder, the voyeur on a private moment. Then just as quickly it was over and Clara was shutting the door behind him. An awkward silence descending in the hallway and for a moment John actually wished for Danny to return just so he could postpone this moment a little longer.
Then Clara was pushing herself away from the door, turning back to him. Tears spent her face was now a blank slate…those big brown eyes of hers dead and glassy looking as she stared at him and through him and John felt the flicker of fear as Clara stalked towards him.
"I think you have some serious explaining to do."
-/-
Tea…once upon a time John had actually thought it had magical properties and could cure anything.
Whenever he had fallen over as a young child or gotten picked on by the other boys in the neighbourhood John's grandmother would always pull him onto her lap, wrap him up gently in her oversized cardigan that doubled as a housecoat and let him sip on a sugary cup of tea as she rocked him gently. After a few minutes of such genuine love and attention John inevitable had forgotten what had made him cry in the first place, his grandmother's affection and the sweet balm of tea had cured all.
Now as he stood in the kitchen awkwardly fixing a pot of tea for him and Clara John could only wish for those innocent days of childhood. Tea was not going to fix things this time. Stirring the pot John busied himself with finding a couple of clean cups, adding milk and far too much sugar to his own…
"Where were you?"
It was a simple question and John only wished he could give her a simple answer.
"Does it really matter?"
"It does to me." Clara replied. "Doctor don't lie to me. I know you too well remember. You are standing there trying to think of an answer that you think I want to hear well don't just…just tell me the truth surely you owe me that much?"
Sighing John turned and set the tea down on the kitchen table, strategically taking the seat opposite Clara so that he at least had the expanse of the wooden table between him and her sharp little fists. "I owe you much more than that Clara as I think we both know."
"Yes." Clara replied dryly, her hands reaching out and tugging the mug of warm tea towards her, wrapping her small hands around the cup like a life preserver she was desperately clinging on to. "But since we never get what we deserve I am asking for you not to lie to me…not this time…just tell me where you have been."
Leaning back in his chair John couldn't meet and yet he couldn't avoid Clara's piercing gaze, those large eyes of hers seemed to bore into him no matter what. Rubbing his hands over his face before moving up to tug on his hair John could only squirm before the truth finally made its way onto his tongue. "I…I was with somebody else."
The trembling bottom lip was clamped down on severely and John could only watch as Clara's gaze suddenly dropped to her tea unable to even bear looking at him.
"I'm sorry but you did ask for the truth…"
"A woman somebody?" Clara questioned, prodding at the newly made wound like a child prodding a dead animal carcass with a stick, knowing it was sick and wrong but unable to resist doing it.
"Yes."
Gulping down a mouthful of the hot liquid not caring if it burned on the way down Clara could only nod, her fingers tightening as she dug her nails into the porcelain surface. "The whole time?"
"Yes." John admitted and it was almost cathartic to finally admit it. "Yes the whole time."
"And this woman is a…?" Clara paused, her eyes suddenly lifted from studying her drink to gaze at him in desperate hope. "A friend?"
"More than a friend." John confessed, hating to be the one to dash her hopes all over again but this had to be done, like ripping off a band-aid it had to be done fast and all at once. "I spent the weekend with someone else…in someone else's bed."
Now there was no hiding the sudden whimper of pain and shock and John automatically reached across the table to take her hand only for Clara to wrench it away like his touch had scolded her and she had every reason to.
"Now you are prepared to touch me?" Clara accused him aghast as though this was an even greater betrayal than his infidelity. "Months of keeping me at arm's length, barely tolerating my touch and never reaching out for me…But now!" After he had spent the weekend in another woman's bed and arms.
"You dare…" Clara gagged unable to swallow down such an ugly truth. "You complete and utter bastard!"
Smarting from that insult John clenched his jaw unable to think of anything he could say that could make any of this better, for a man with a gift for words he was suddenly bereft of them. For a long moment he stared down into his untouched tea, his rolling stomach rebelling at the idea of taking even a single sip.
"How long?" The sudden question after so long sitting in silence threw John for a moment and he frowned slightly.
"How long have you been…seeing her?" Clara clarified clearly amended her choice of words and for that John was grateful.
"A few weeks." He answered softly. "But it didn't…we didn't…" He paused unable to fight the flush as memories of just what he had been doing with Missy Saxon were suddenly front and centre in his thoughts. "…Go to bed together until this weekend…"
"Oh well as long as you got to know her first." Clara muttered sarcastically, her tone brittle and tight. "I mean I don't know if that is supposed to make this better or worse, that my boyfriend isn't just randomly jumping into bed with complete strangers for a quick fuck or that he has actually been seeing another woman behind my back for weeks? It was at least good I hope? What am I saying it must have been considering you stayed with her for three whole days!"
"Clara please don't." John flinched at her crudeness suddenly feeling every one of his fifty-six years.
"Don't you dare tell me what to do!" Clara hissed, pupils now blown wide with rage. "How dare you…How dare you?"
"I didn't plan this you know." John insisted, unable to simply sit here without even trying to defend himself. "I didn't go out looking to have an affair."
"And that's supposed to make it all better Doctor?" Clara raged pushing herself up from the table to pace back and forth her hands now waving wildly. "I mean you are clearly the innocent victim in all this, you probably tripped up and accidentally landed on top of her."
"We were friends nothing more…." John began before forcing himself to back track a little, he had promised not to lie.
"No that's no entirely true I'll admit it. I wanted her the first time I laid eyes on her but I wouldn't have…I didn't do anything about it. I walked away." He insisted and Clara finally stopped pacing long enough to listen.
"But then fate just kept throwing us together and I…" He sighed admitting the truth to himself as well as her. "And then I didn't want to fight it anymore."
"I see." Clara whispered sinking back heavily into her chair like all the fight had suddenly gone out of her, yet her next question really knocked John for six. "Are you in love with her?"
"I…I…" There were no words. John didn't have an answer to that question. His feelings for Missy were too new, too raw, too much to be so simply classified. He knew he wanted her, he knew he felt more alive when he was with her than he could ever remembering feeling, was that what it felt like to be in love? It had been so long, another lifetime surely since he had felt anything like this for another person that he wasn't certain he could judge.
Bottom lip trembling when he didn't immediately deny it Clara could only forge onward. "Do you still love me?"
"I do." That was an easier answer and John hated the way it seemed to make Clara sigh in relief, she didn't understand still. "I think there will always be a part of me that loves you Clara Oswald."
That clearly was not what she had been hoping he would say, fresh tears brimmed in her dark eyes, the whites of them were now tinged with red from all the crying. "But you're not in love with me are you?"
Taking in a deep breath John felt the truth being ripped from him, and like a fresh wound it bled freely and deeply. "Oh Clara I only wish I could say I was, God knows it would make things a hell of a lot simpler."
"Were you ever?"
She had to ask. No one could ever accuse Clara of being a coward that was for certain, only John wished she wouldn't. He had promised not to lie but there were no answers that he could give her that weren't going to do anything else but hurt her more.
"Doctor?"
"I think I could have the way I was before, I cared about you a great deal I still do but…"
But it wasn't the same, he wasn't the same. She was the same bright darling of a girl and he had loved having someone to impress, the old him had been a bit of a show off on occasion. The new him loved her for altogether different reasons, for her kindness and steadfastness, for her patience and fierce determination, determination that had often been the only thing keeping him from ending everything at his own hands.
"You saved my life you have to know that." John whispered desperate for her to really hear him now. "Without you and your capacity to hope I would have never have lasted a month. You gave me strength when I needed it most."
"Yeah." Clara sighed wiping at her tearstained cheeks before laughing ruefully. "So I guess you just don't need me anymore? Not now you've got somebody else to support you. Somebody better…"
"It's not…" John sighed. "It is not a contest Clara."
"Why not it has a winner and a loser doesn't it?" Clara retorted her laughter turning bitter. "And I'm the loser aren't I? I have invested the last year of my life in supporting you, of holding you back from the brink and putting up with everything that entails and then just when I have the last bit of hope that things might finally be getting better…I am not an idiot you know, I knew something was going on. You were being too secretive even for you, disappearing and not answering your phone, but do you know what I thought?"
John shook his head not daring to speak, knowing she had the right to get this all out.
"I thought it was drugs. You seemed so energised every time you came home, I thought you were going out and taking drugs. And do you what is really sick; what makes me hate myself right now? I think I would have preferred that to be honest. Even though I have spent the last three days convinced you were going to be found in a gutter somewhere or floating in the Thames. Don't you get that Doctor you just vanished, you could have told me the truth before, you could have picked up the phone or answered one of my messages just to let me know you weren't dead somewhere!"
And she was right he could have, he should have. It was a cruel thing to admit to but if he was being honest when John was with Missy, when she was demanding and engaging his complete attention John's thoughts had rarely considered Clara at all…and that was what really made him a bastard, not his unfortunate parentage.
"I don't know what to say." John admitted. "Everything you say is true…"
"Only it doesn't change anything, does it?" Clara asked lifting her eyes to meet his gaze and seeing the answer reflected in his eyes. Smiling sadly she hugged her petite frame, trying to hold herself together. "Well there really is nothing left to say is there?"
Shaking his head John had to agree. "I am truly sorry Clara, please try to believe that. I never planned this; I never wanted to hurt you."
"I believe you are sorry in your own way." Clara sighed suddenly feeling so tired and drained by the whole thing. "Not as sorry as I am though…a year Doctor…you have no idea how hard it has been, how many times I came so close to just packing up and walking out that door but I stuck it out because I was so sure it would all be worth it in the end. Only now I'm leaving anyway."
"Clara you don't have to…I was the one responsible I should…"
"Yes I do this is your house." Clara replied her tone firm and brooking no argument. "I think I have to, for me, for my own sanity…I'll just pack enough for a few days…I'll go to my gran's until I can sort something permanent out, someone at school probably knows someone who is looking for a housemate or I might even be able to afford a little place of my own…I mean I've not exactly been paying rent here now have I and I have quite a bit saved up because of that. I'll be fine."
"Clara if you need anything, please let me help in any way I can." John pleaded it really was the least he could do considering.
"You can call me a cab; I'll need an hour to get my things together." Clara replied her tone curt and business like as she pushed herself from the table and tugged at the bottom of her cardigan, hesitating before forcing herself to take one step and then another towards the stairs and the task she had set herself.
John remained seated at the table, his fingers locked around his cooling cup of tea as he stared across the table to Clara's abandoned cup. Tea really didn't make things better but it at least gave him something else to focus on other than the retreating back of his…former girlfriend. Lifting up the cup John took a sip of the now lukewarm liquid, wincing at the taste, it really was terrible tea.
"Doctor…"
Startled as John had already assumed she had left he lifted his head from his study of the table top to meet Clara's gaze, her big brown eyes wide as she chewed on her bottom lip.
"Yes Clara?"
For a moment the words seemed to stick in her mouth, Clara opened her mouth once only to close it, turning back to the stairs before stopping and turning back to him. "I know it shouldn't matter but I need to ask…I need to know Doctor who is she?"
"Clara…"
"Please you owe me an answer." Clara insisted. "Otherwise I'll have no peace I'll just keep wondering; you said she was a friend and I…"
Realising what she was really asking John shook his head. "She is not someone you know."
"Then it can't hurt to tell me." Clara countered determinedly and John sighed in defeat, Clara was not the type to budge when she had her mind set on something and if it would help her in some way...
"Marsaili." He replied watching the way Clara's expression seemed to shatter as the depth of his betrayal finally became evident. "Her name is Marsaili."
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