"Going by how far along I am, I must have conceived you in the days leading up to my shooting, which might be why you, my precious little miracle, survived the trauma. To say I was shocked to find out I was pregnant with you would be an understatement, because I had never really considered becoming a mother again after Ruby, for obvious reasons, yet even though you were as unplanned as Ruby was, I'm looking forward to becoming a mother again and despite having fallen completely out of love with your father, at the time of your conception, I did love him, so you were conceived in love.

I'm not kidding myself here though; I am scared somewhat by this and unlike last time, I don't have the luxury of having my parents to help me through this, but I promise you, this time I am going to try so hard to be a better mother. I will always regret that I was never really able to be there for Ruby as a mother, even after she found out the truth, we were always more sisters than mother and daughter." I close my eyes briefly as I think of Ruby. "I miss your sister so much and hope that one day you two will meet. I just know she's going to love you." I grin, "Once she gets over the shock of having a sibling, that is."

Sighing at the possibility that that meeting may never happen, I take a moment to gather my thoughts before continuing. "I'm sorry about my recent language and for letting my anger at Brax cloud your view of him, he is your father after all and when you're old enough to understand, I'll tell you all of this again and with as little bias on my part as I can so you can make your own decisions about him. It may affect your opinion of me, to see what a weak woman I was, but if it helps you to learn and avoid making similar mistakes, then I'm willing to risk you losing respect for me and maybe even hating me for keeping you from your father." I pause. That was part of my fear in all of this, especially after the fallout I had when Ruby found out the truth about her father but I can't risk letting Brax be a part of my baby's life. I cradle my belly; at least with this enforced exile, it meant I didn't have to tell Brax about his baby and hopefully, if I'm ever allowed to go back, it will be because Brax was safely locked behind bars and away from us. "I'm sorry little one, even if I could go back to the Bay tomorrow, I'd do whatever was necessary to stop your father from having too much of a role in your life because you deserve a chance to make something of your life, something that has been denied Heath and Casey because they got caught up in their controlling big brother's influence and now their criminal records will follow them everywhere and I certainly don't want you to be like me and become so enthralled with your father that you can't see the bad in him or the danger until it's too late.

I wish things were different, but your father is a dangerous man who has a tendency to tell you what you want to hear while doing the opposite and unfortunately, I really can't see him changing all that much; he has no respect for the law and when it comes to family, he will do whatever is necessary, however wrong it is and regardless of how much danger that places his family in and I have little doubt now that when things don't go his way, he'll revert back to his old ways, just as Mac wants him to and that is why I don't want him to be a part of your life."

Was it selfish of me to want to keep Brax away from his baby? Probably, but no more selfish than he has been. He's shown no regard for others, didn't give a stuff about how his actions affected me or my career and doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he gets what he wants. He really isn't a good person as good people don't set out to hurt others and if for whatever reason they do hurt someone, then they feel bad about it and apologise, but not Brax and what's worse, he justifies his crimes by saying he does it for family. There is no excuse though, for what he has done, for the lives he has helped to ruin, the families that have no doubt been affected by loved ones who fell victim to his violence and drugs and if the only way to protect my baby was to keep Brax away, then so be it.

I shake my head. God, hindsight is such a wonderful thing but also a complete bitch. My life could have been so different if I'd stuck to my guns and held onto my doubts about Brax instead of lying down with a criminal and losing everything. I sigh and gaze at my belly. "I'm not going to let myself be blinded again like that and I just hope I am strong enough to be a good mother to you and be something I was never really able to be for Ruby, a woman you can look up to and want to be like." I snort at that. "Perhaps it's best that you be your own person and view me as an example of what not to be or at least take note of my mistakes and learn from them like I hope I can." I smile wryly. "You must be getting sick of me repeating myself, but it's not just for your benefit, it's for mine. I need to keep reminding myself to learn from this as much as you should do, especially when it comes to relationships. Being in love is one thing, but it shouldn't come at the high cost like it has for me and as I've come to realise, there is more to relationships than just love and sex; there needs to be honesty, respect and trust, which was sadly lacking in my relationship, not just with your father, but also with some of my other relationships.

I really do suck big time at relationships, but hey, who knows, maybe Kate will have better luck in love than Charlie ever did." I chuckle a little to myself at that before my mind wanders back to yesterday and I can feel my heart beating quicker. It was such a shock to see her again and at first, I had thought I'd been mistaken, I mean, what were the chances that after so long, we'd somehow meet up again in a small coastal town, one in a different State and far from home?

I'd only caught a glimpse of her and had nearly convinced myself that I was mistaken and only imagined it was her because I'd been thinking so much of her during my months of reflections, yet there had been something about this woman, even from a distance, that had called to me and so I had followed her. At the time, I hadn't even been aware of what I was doing, my legs just took me forward, moving quicker when I lost sight of her as she went around a corner, only to slow down when she was in view again and then she stopped and so did my heart, at least for a second or two. Whatever had aligned to bring her back into my life after all this time, I was grateful to, because there in front of me, had been my beautiful Joey, as gorgeous as ever.

With every step I had taken toward her, my old feelings had come rushing back, surprising me at their strength. I had never forgotten Joey, despite my actions suggesting otherwise, but I was in so much pain after she left, I had put a wall over that part of my heart. I guess it worked too well as I fell quickly into bed with Angelo, but coming face-to-face with Joey after all this time, shattered the wall and all those pent up feelings came crashing through me, as strong as ever. I had loved her then and I still love her now.

I look out the window. Seeing Joey again was both wonderful and heartbreaking. Even as I had walked toward her, I could see the sadness in her eyes, sadness which had turned to shock, surprise and then anger as she saw me walking toward her. It was clear that she wasn't as pleased to see me as I was her, not that I could blame her. I'd played yo-yo with her heart, before cutting the string and though we had parted on slightly better terms when she left for her fishing job with the possibility of her returning to me in three months, I had still broken her heart and it was a heart that hadn't forgotten my betrayal. Despite the chill of that gaze ripping through my own heart and the possibility of absolute rejection, I had found myself closing the distance between us.