Chapter Seven-Clarification

Let's start over

I'll try to do it right this time around

It's not over

'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground

This love is killing me

But you're the only one

It's not over

Taken all I could take

And I cannot wait

We're wasting too much time

Being strong, holding on

Can't let it bring us down

My life with you means everything

So I won't give up that easily

I'll blow it away, blow it away

Can we make this something good?

'Cause it's all misunderstood

Well, I'll try to do it right this time around

It's Not Over ~ Daughtry

February, 2012

Dear James,

Hope you're up for having a visitor on the 19th. I'm coming to see you.

Love,

Tori

"Seriously, that's what you wrote? To your boyfriend… whom you haven't seen in almost seven months?" Heidi falls back onto my bed in a fit of laugher. She's been relentlessly teasing me all day. Normally I'd mind, but it feels good to laugh again, even if it's at my own expense.

"Shut up. I was nervous. It took me forever to come up with that." I attempt to suppress my own laugh; it really was a lousy letter. I reach in my closet and start pulling clothes out to show Heidi the maternity outfits I recently purchased. When I turn around to show her, I explain what else had held me back from writing more in the letter. "I didn't want to get into any details about the baby, and I felt like no matter what I said, I would end up there."

"I wonder if he's freaking the fuck out that you're coming to see him? He hasn't called Felix in two weeks, so I don't know if he got your letter yet. Surely he's received it by now."

"Did you tell Felix I'm not the whore you thought I was?" I narrow my eyes at her playfully.

"Hell no… it's fun to watch these men act like women. I'm telling you, the gossip they come up with… they're worse than women!" Another round of laughter escapes from both of us. When Heidi calms down, she pulls herself back up. "And, I thought this is something you needed to straighten out yourself, Vic."

"It is. Thanks for letting me handle it. I'm not sure he'll believe me now, but I can't keep it from him any longer."

"Enough with the serious shit… whatcha gonna wear to tease your man?" She mischievously waggles her eyebrows.

"Tease him? You're crazy! He'll be lucky if he can see my face clearly through the glass."

"Oh, my sweet, naïve friend... you'll be sitting at a table with him, no other barriers between you guys."

"Seriously?" I try to restrain the excitement at the thought of being close to James.

"Yes, honey, it's not 1918 anymore," Heidi replies sarcastically, earning herself an eye roll.

"Well, I don't know how these things work." I shrug, slightly embarrassed.

"That's why you got me, cupcake. So… back to the important question. What are you going to wear?"

~Criminal~

Each passing day I wait to see James seems to go by quicker than the last. Esme and Heidi have been a great distraction. I've had both of them occupying my time, not allowing me to dwell on anything other than work and the baby. That only works in their company though; my nights are consumed with thoughts of James. It's a vicious circle of asking myself the same questions.

How will it feel to be close to him?

Will he accept that he's the baby's father?

When I look at him, will my heart skip a beat, like it always did before?

Was he right in his first letter when he said we can make it through this? Will I want to?

I can't stop fiddling with the purple maternity dress Heidi convinced me to wear. The light material hugs every curve of my expanding body. I know I look respectable, but the tightness on my breasts and stomach make me feel uncomfortable.

What if he hates the way I look?

My phone rings, pulling my attention away from my outfit.

"Hello, Esme. No…I haven't changed my mind, and yes, I'm okay to drive to Airway Heights by myself," I manage to get out before she can get a word in.

I hear her sigh in defeat before answering me, "But it's over four hours away, each way. That's a long drive, sweetie."

"Yeah, it is, but I'll be fine. I'm sure I'll stop a million times to use the bathroom and eat." I chuckle, knowing I'm not exaggerating.

"But—" she starts again, making me cut her off immediately.

"No buts, Esme. Today is your day to spend time with Carlisle. You owe him for working late on Valentine's Day," I say pointedly.

"Swear you'll text me when you get there and when you're on your way home?"

" Yes, mother, I'll check in," I tease her.

"I just... I worry about you, honey."

"I know you do, and I love you even more for it. Now get off this phone and go see what your hubby has planned for you. I'll text, call, and send smoke signals along the way, just for you." My smile grows from teasing her.

Esme isn't that much older than me but has taken on a motherly role in my life. I didn't realized how much I'd been craving that until she took me under her wings. Having this special bond with her makes me miss my own mom.

"Be careful… and I don't mean only on the drive," Esme replies adamantly.

Both Heidi and Esme offered to ride with me, but I want to do this by myself. The drive will be long, but I'm hoping the quietness in the car will settle my nerves, giving me time to mentally prepare to see James.

"Will do. I'm walking out the door now. Byeeee."

I check the mirror one last time and grab my purse. The short walk to my car is excruciating. Anxiety weaved together with excitement flows to every point in my body, impossibly increasing with each step I take.

There's no turning back once I get to the car.

My fingers drum against the steering wheel as I maneuver through the light traffic. It appears everyone is on a Sunday stroll; the delay causes irritation to surpass my nervousness.

The final light before the freeway entrance is red when I approach. I pull a hand away from the steering wheel and begin rubbing my stomach. The flutters and tiny kicks lead me to believe the baby is just as nervous as I am.

"Time to meet your daddy, little one. I hope he's ready for us," I say out loud, knowing my statement is more for myself than the baby.

~Criminal~

A guard calls the room to order. "Take a seat. We have some rules to go over before you enter the visitation room."

I thought the four and a half hour drive was going to be long, but it doesn't compare to the fifteen minutes I've been seated, watching the clock slowly tick away. Just like everything else here, they're meticulous about the visitation procedures.

"We have strict guidelines here at Airway Heights Correctional Center in order to maintain your safety, as well as the inmates'. Every rule will be enforced.

"When you enter the visitation room, you'll find inmates already occupying a designated table, waiting for you. You're allowed to greet them with a kiss or hug. However, it needs to brief. After your greeting, you're required to take a seat across from the inmate. Do not try to sit on the same side of the table."

He pointedly stares around the room, but I feel as if he's directing the rules at me.

"Visitors with children: inmates will be allowed to keep physical contact with children throughout the visit. We encourage it, actually; it benefits the child as well as the inmate. Adults are allowed to hold hands with the inmate, but your hands must be visible at all times.

"There will be multiple guards present at all times, and they will not hesitate to remove you, should a rule be broken."

Their relaxed rules for children make me wonder how it's going to be when I bring the baby here. This will be the place where James holds our baby for the first time, where he'll remain when we return home.

I bite my lip and blink my eyes as I try not to cry. Being here makes the reality of our situation all the more visible; James won't be a part of the first years of our child's life.

He's going to be devastated.

"You'll be given a five-minute warning before your visitation concludes. Goodbyes need to be said before leaving your table. The inmate is required to remain seated until you depart. Any questions?" The guard takes a breath for the first time. He glances around the room, waiting for someone to speak up but no one does.

I replay everything he just said, wanting to memorize the rules so nothing can ruin my time with James.

"Very well. Please stand up and file into a line. We'll be going through the door behind me."

Eager visitors push their way to the front, while I take my time joining the line. I run my hands along my dress one last time, giving them something to do. My feet begin to shuffle back and forth waiting for the door to open.

When it does, I hold my breath and begin to walk.

My eyes scan the frigid room. Not only is it freezing in here, the painted brick walls are bare. It's stark and uninviting, but I could care less; my only concern is to locate James. My eyes move from one seated face to another. Apprehension rises each time I'm met with an unfamiliar stare.

Maybe he doesn't want to see me and refused my visit?

Just as I start to panic, wondering if my thought is the truth, my eyes land on him near the back of the room.

The cross glare on his face and his slouched posture tells me the mood he's in before I even approach him. I maneuver around the tables making my way towards him. James' eyes leave mine, traveling to my stomach where they remain until I'm standing in front of him.

"Hey," I nervously say, just above a whisper.

His harsh eyes look up at me, but he doesn't move from his seated position to greet me. Instead, he flings his arm over the back of his chair and huffs, looking straight ahead.

I slide into the seat across the table from him as gracefully as I can. His quietness pains me and puts me further on edge. I've dreamt about this moment for months, and never in those fantasies did I expect to feel like I was inconveniencing my boyfriend.

It's apparent the families surrounding us are ecstatic as they exchange hugs and kisses. The affection being shown to everyone in the room except me is unsettling.

"If you don't want to see me, I'll go." I reach to pull my purse off the floor, saddened that it's come to this between us.

James' hand reaches across the table so quickly that I don't register his movement until his hand is holding mine down.

"Don't leave. We need to talk." His husky voice is firm, keeping me in my place.

Even with the bitterness of his words, James' voice is music to my ears. I've missed hearing it call out to me or tell me how much I mean to him.

"Okay," I respond, feeling relieved. Being so close to him makes me crave his attention, but the need to clear up the misunderstanding between us takes precedence.

James' hand slowly retreats to his side of the table, and the loss of his warmth causes me to shiver. My body is desperate to feel his touch once again.

With time looming over my head as well as the knowledge this conversation won't get any better until I tell him the truth, I reach into my purse pulling out the small picture I've brought for him.

My heart begins to pound as I look towards the guard who's discretely watching us and raise the picture so he can see what I'm about to give to James.

With a slight nod as his approval, I slide the picture across the table until it's in front of him.

Time stops when he finally pries his skeptical eyes from mine and looks down.

"Why the fuck would I want to see this?" James' question comes out more like a statement while his hand pushes the picture away.

"I know about the rumor Gianna started, but that's exactly what it is… a rumor. Look at the date listed in the left hand corner. What does it say?" I ask, hoping that he'll follow my direction without reluctance.

James' eyes roam across the picture; his jaw tightens, and I see the muscles in his neck tense. Finally, he looks to where I directed him. Instead of reacting right away, he studies the picture intensely.

He looks up at me but says nothing. His eyes have softened and are screaming for some clarification.

"See the top date…that's the date they assume we conceived. And the bottom date, that's the due date. May seventh is forty weeks from August fourteenth." My confidence spikes as I explain, knowing he has to believe me now.

James looks back and forth between the picture and me several times. His mouth opens to say something, but words never form. I can't help but smile at his perplexed expression. My eyes start to cloud, knowing he's digesting the news that he's going to be a daddy.

"It's mine." He strains to get out in a low tone that's overflowing with emotion.

I nod my head for confirmation, just as tears spill from my eyes.

"Baby…" James whines, reaching for my hand again. His touch sends tingles up my arms.

"I'm so sorry… I should've…. told you sooner," I choke out my apology, reaching for a Kleenex with my free hand.

Despite the tears of regret streaming down my face, I feel lighter. This secret has been weighing on my mind and heart for months. Sharing it with James takes away a small piece of the burden I've been feeling.

"I don't know what to say, Tori, and I had a whole fucking lot to say to you today, too." He chuckles sarcastically.

"It's a lot to take in. It took me awhile to believe it myself." The shame I've had from keeping this from him for so long makes itself known, reminding me that I'm the reason he thought the baby was someone else's.

He acknowledges me with a nod and looks down, pulling the picture closer to him.

"I have to ask you though, how could you believe I was cheating on you? After everything we've been through…" I trail off, unable to finish speaking.

I let go of his hand to wipe away my tears, but there's really no point as they continue spilling out too quickly. I've repeatedly asked myself that question, but it wasn't until now, sitting in front of him, I figured out the answer…He must not trust me.

"Baby, please stop crying… I'm sorry, T. You gotta look at it from my point of view. You wouldn't talk to me, no one has seen you around, and then when they do, you're pregnant." He sits forward, extending his reach as far as allowed as he tries to grab my hand again. I allow him to take it, continuing to stare at him until his voice softens to explain what he really thought. "I figured you finally gave up on me and moved on."

James' revelation upsets me further to the point I'm inconsolable. I hear his pleas for me to calm down, but they fall by the wayside.

"Everything okay over here?" A guard asks, vigilantly looking between me and James.

"I'm fine…sorry." My voice is shaky, but I do my best to calm myself down, scared that my outburst will end our visit prematurely. "Pregnancy hormones," I offer as an excuse, motioning to our baby bump.

The guard returns to his station, needing no additional explanation.

Needing a distraction, I ask James how he's been. The question earns me a piercing look, but he appeases me and starts listing off the things that make his days manageable.

While he's speaking, I eye his upper body but linger on his thinner face. Red-rimmed eyes that are slightly swollen, give away how tired he is. I don't dare to ask why. I imagine that being in prison wears a person down. From what Heidi's told me, it doesn't matter who you are or know, life behind these walls is almost unbearable. It's not what the prisoners are physically living through; it's what's happening mentally that takes the spark out of them.

Our conversation flows into mundane topics until my job comes up. I tell him about how close Esme and I have gotten, and how Heidi swooped back into my life, knocking me off my feet. He expresses how grateful he is that I have people helping me out. However, his irritation towards my parents' increases as I explain how my mom took the news she was going to be a grandma. As I talk about what's been happening back home, James' mood continues to sour. I don't even have to question why; his anger is directed towards himself, not me.

An announcement is made that our time is coming to an end before I'm ready to leave his side.

I try to keep my sadness hidden, not wanting to spend our last couple of minutes together in tears. I know it will only make my departure tougher on the both of us.

As I begin to stand, our hands open from the embrace we were sharing. Our fingers leisurely slide against each other, savoring the final seconds they have to connect.

James remains seated as he's required to do but his body is twitching, wanting to stand with me.

James holds up the sonogram picture, waiting for me to take it, but I shake my head instead of reaching for it.

"I can keep this?" His lips form the smallest of smiles, making my heart flutter from his acceptance.

"Of course. He's your son, too."

Shock briefly washes over his face, but his beaming eyes and bright smile make it disappear.

"It's a… boy. We're having a son!" James' arm extends, seeking to touch my stomach until the guard standing close by clears his throat, reminding us of the rules.

I laugh at his shocked expression, nodding my head in answer.

"Time's up. Proceed to the exit now, please."

Matching frowns take away our smiles, the joyful moment gone immediately.

"Love you," I whisper, not trusting my voice.

James returns the sentiment, and I turn to walk away from him, feeling lonelier than before.

I reluctantly follow the slow-paced line filled with melancholy people like myself, until I reach the checkout desk.

"Your visitor's badge, please." I unclip it from the neckline of my dress and hand it over to the woman behind the counter.

She takes it from me, giving me a weak smile, and says, "Have a safe drive home, ma'am."

I linger in front of her long enough for her to raise an eyebrow, questioning my reluctance to leave.

"Where do I go to set up an inmate's phone privileges?"