Here's the thing with pony toilets; they're holes.

One hole on a short platform, it still had a flusher and everything but to do what I had to it meant to aim and squat. You know those airport guys with the glowsticks? Yeah I could have really done with some miniature versions of those guys.

So skipping over the process, you're welcome by the way. The end result gave me reason to believe that all statues of fat Buddha are based on some fat guy on the toilet. Mainly because I was having the same being-one-with-the-universe expression.

Then I remember that said universe hates me and I had the paradox-ing granddaddy/grandson of all known and unknown cases verbal diarrhoea in front of two ponies whom no one would question if I just disappeared.

So as my last act before wiping my butt and washing my hands was can you guess?...

I had to check out my work, I mean come on we all do it specially if we had corn the previous night.

'oh... I really don't want to exist anymore'

Over the course of last night I have had several trips to the toilet. While luminescent urine is unsettling at first. Once I thought of writing my name in the snow and in the dark I found my piece with it. Oh how I wish it ended there.

Looking at it glow and float there. My mind became full of confusing fragmented thoughts that sounded like T.V static, each one was a vain attempt to explain the situation. Though only one was solid enough to make sense of.

'If I flush this and it turns out there's like crocodiles in their sewers or something, would I make Godzilla? OH GOOD GONAD! The teenage mutant ninja turtles! Through the power of my alien poop... Worst... Origin... Ever.'

Yeah 'make sense' may not have been the right choice of words.

So far my alien powers if properly handled could be the makings a very unpopular rave. While trying to think of a way to punch the universe in the balls for my general life I tried to think of how this could have happened.

'Ok so this is impossible but so are talking ponies so yeah... right it's obvious that they never seen a human before so it's likely that I'm alien to this entire planet. That would also mean I'm just as alien to them as they are to me but one thing at a time. Maybe it was something I ate that caused this? But that wouldn't explain the pee; I did that before eating anything. So then why? Maybe it's the planet itself like in the air or something.'

I cross my arms and closed my eyes to concentrate and tried to imagine myself on the bus. 'The body expels anything it doesn't need or has a surplus of it, which is why pee gets clearer the more water you drink. The body can only absorb so much, it has to get rid of the rest. So assuming whatever's the cause of the glow was inside me and not just some reaction with a waste thing common in human pee and ploop had with the air. Then I absorbed something that did it but what?'

Oddly enough this isn't the first or the most in-depth thoughts I've had on human waste. That's right, I am just that bored at work.

A knock at the bathroom door and my eyes shot open. "Jon, is everything all right in there?" Celestia's voice called sounding genuinely concerned about me, it still feels weird.

'No I made your toilet into the Ark of The Covenant. There's a very real chance it'll melt your faces.'

"Yeah it's coo-... 'Ah screw it' actually no. It's not alright, none of it is even generally right" I gave in. I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

"What is it? What's wrong?!" this time it was Luna's sounding just as concerned as it dropped all formality, though I also heard shuffling of papers which was kind of weird.

'I hate your world and the steaming pile its dumping on me and you two for making me feel so guilty for making you worry.' I sighed to myself letting go of the frustration and laughed at the pathetic logic of me trying anything at all. "You know what? I really have no idea how to explain it"

There was a moment of calm silence where I assume the princesses looked to each other in slight confusion over my words. "Jon, we're coming in" Celestia announced as a matter fact way. Letting me know there was nothing I could say or do to stop her not that I could think of any but still.

I watched as the edges of the door glowed a golden-wheat yellow it reminded me of something but I couldn't remember what. The door opened by itself, normally this would cause me to get defensive but I just didn't want to deal with anymore stuff today. I'm kind of starting to hope that they'll lock me away somewhere and just leave me alone.

Celestia was the first to walk in, then Luna. They both looked at me as I greeted them with none of my ordinary awkwardness instead just a tired and indifferent expression longing for some lost normalcy.

I gestured to the toilet not caring what happens anymore. They both gave me an odd look but realised it wasn't a joke. Celestia peered in and any metaphorical mask she was wearing fell, as her eyes dilated and jaw dropped a little.

'Well there goes the hope of this being normal around here.'

I could see the wheels turning in Celestia's mind, she knew what it was more so than I. She was just thinking of a best course of action as limited as they may be.

"Luna, take Jon out of here and hide him somewhere safe." Celestia said in a calm but stern manner.

'Wait what?'

"Sister?" Luna looked to Celestia wondering what was going on. Not as much as I was but hey I've been here for less than a week and let's face it I'm breaking down over poop.

"Please, I'll explain later" Celestia said pleadingly, turning to Luna as her horn glowed the same colour as the door.

Luna also noticed this and nodded "very well, come Jon."

"Uh wha?" was all I managed as I realised I was a part of the conversation. Giving Celestia a quick look and all I could see was a mix of surprise and fear. Not fear of me personally but a general fear of something.

"You must follow us quickly" Luna urged trotting out, though I don't completely trust them I still figure that they still know more than I do so I started to follow.

Only to come back and wash my hands to the surprised looks of the alicorns.

"Sorry I forgot." I simply justified but to be honest if I didn't wash it would drive me nuts. I always wash after using the bathroom even if I haven't done anything and no it's not a germ thing, it's a routine thing.

So after getting an irritated look from Luna I followed her out of the room and into the corridor. Let's say this, whoever made this place must have had a huge one for marble, seriously the walls, ceiling and floor. All marble, the only reason why I'm not slipping on my butt right now is the red carpet which in all fairness felt bloody marvellous on my bare feet.

There was no sign of Spick or Span but I could hear the hurried trots of an uncountable amount of ponies. Though I should add I could also hear an odd metallic clacking among the hooves.

"Put the hood up and try to stay as low as you are able to Jon." Luna ordered in an advisory sort of way.

I nodded putting my hood up and crouching as low as I can while still being able to walk though now it's more like a waddle.

Luna hurried but she was obviously slowing herself for my sake and though I knew the reason I still had a part of me that hated it.

Right turn, left turn, so many turns I wouldn't be able to find myself so... there goes my journey of self-discovery and I was looking forward to it to.

Luna never said a word but I could tell most of her mind was preoccupied with what I showed her in the toilet. This in a different context would make this a completely different fanfic.

She stopped suddenly and popped up a wing making sure I didn't accidently pass her. I got the hint and stopped while trying keep my stature as small and low as possible. I heard more hoof steps, I figured she heard or noticed them before I did hence the stop.

Numerous chatting voices followed the hoof steps now. The princess was panicky swivelling her head looking something that the hood of my monk robe hid from me.

"You must find someplace to hide" she stated still looking around

"Wait I thought that was where you were taking me to begin with?" I questioned. I made it a personal practice to follow routines I set for myself for the day. So a day where I talk to pony princesses, poop what I assume to be uranium and run aimlessly through a castle is a confusing day to say the least.

"Jon I promise I'll keep you safe but right now we cannot allow anypony 'anypony, seriously? That's going to get annoying after a while.' to come into contact with you yet, so please just trust us"

"Ok, ok I get it but that doesn't change the fact that I stick out like a sore thumb 'in a place where I'm the only one with thumbs' anywhere I go." I reasoned.

Luna's eyes locked onto something behind me. "We know, so for now quickly hide behind those doors." The alicorn pointed to a pair of familiarly plain looking doors with her hoof.

"But what am I suppose-"

"Jonathan Dae 'whoa, mum-using-the-whole-name flashback' we know you are confused and you have every right to be. We cannot possibly understand what it is like to find yourself in the situation you are in. That is why Celestia and myself are trying to spare you from experiences you might not be ready for."

There was something about that sentence that just pissed me off. It was this anger I always felt whenever someone would assume something about me. I can't really describe it but it just makes me grind my teeth and clench my fists, it didn't matter if they were right or wrong I just hated it.

"Ok." I said as I straightened up, mostly because my back ached but also because I wanted a more serious looking stance. "I understand where you're coming from. But here's my view point; you're the ones saying all this about me trusting you guys and I'm going along not out of trust but out of bloody necessity! Yet all I can see is that you two, for whatever reason, are too afraid to even think about trusting me! What kind of bellicks is that?!

You don't think I can't see you two treating me with like a caged animal? Making sure no one comes near me and why?! I've got no clue and all because you two can't trust me to use such a basic level of common sense that if I didn't have it, I wouldn't fricking be here! Ok fine you have your reasons but why the frick should I care about that?!"

You haven't given me a reason to trust that you're leading me away from danger only reason to fear that you might be putting me in a smaller cage! But I still follow. You know why? Because what other choice have you bloody given me?!" I shouted at her.

I failed to notice that the hoofs and voices all fell silent or that she, a princess and going by Celestia's words a supremely powerful being, actually took a step back from me.

I always forget how intimating my size and timber of my voice can be when I'm angry. I never mean it to but it was like the difference between a happy guy holding a bat and an angry guy holding a bat. When I was younger I would get angry without even knowing it and I start yelling thinking that I'm just trying to get my point across.

I thought I had enough control now, I've definitely had enough therapy on it but every now and then it sneaks up. And as you can guess, it's very hard to stop what you don't see coming.

I sighed deeply 'I did it again, didn't I? Well I'm not smart enough to back-peddle and I'm not wrong so I might as well try to explain and stay calm.' "Listen, I'll do what you want only because I recognize that you know a lot more than I do, that isn't trust, its logical thinking. And if you want me to really trust that you are looking out for me then you need to trust me to adapt to this situation. Just tell me you're rules and I'll follow the best I can." I practically growled at her.

There was no response, only silence. All I could hear was my own heartbeat which was abnormally loud by my perspective.

After what felt like a hour the princess spoke up in a much more formal tone than before though that was to be expected. "You must remain calm, do not allow anypony to see you and Do. Not. under any circumstances go outside"

As she said the last part, her words felt particularly heavy. Almost like she doesn't expect me to stay completely calm in a situation this hectic and she expects that the seconded request to be bended if the situation calls for it. But she made it clear, in words, tone and body language that I was not to go outside for any reason.

I nodded, that was all I needed to show that I got it. 'I should apologise for blowing up like that' I thought as I opened my mouth to say but hurried hooves interrupted me.

Instead I just followed her orders and rushed behind the doors going into my low-mode.

It's kitchen, the kind made for restaurants. I who pretty much all his working hours in a kitchen that was tight enough for a 6ft 1 guy like myself as it is. Has woken up in forest, chased by a manticore, passed out, woke up on a small bed, blacked out, woke up in a box, fell out and then woke up in castle. Has somehow ended up going through generic kitchen doors into a generic kitchen that was designed for beings much smaller than he is.

'...'

'MARES! Female ponies are called mares.' I hate my brain I really do.