Disclaimer:
Blue-haired lawyer: I'm here to present you the disclaimer of this fanfiction, thus following the rules of the website , in order to prove you that my client, let's name her "Charafi" since she's refused to reveal her real name but it doesn't seem illegal on this site so let's forget about it, is not the creator of the characters and the universes of Watchmen and the Simpsons that are the legal properties of Mr Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons for the first and Matt Groening for the second, and she gains no remuneration for it. Now you're authorized to read it.
To the author: Speaking of remuneration, what about my fees ? Hey ! Where are you running like that ? Come back at once ! If you don't pay me right now, I'll see you in court and not as your lawyer I can guarantee it !
Hello, sorry for making you wait that long but I had a lot of work to do and wasn't satisfied with my first versions for this chapter, but here it is with a new character: Abraham Simpson. !
Enjoy and don't forget to let a review !
Chapter 7:
Homer and Marge's bedroom
Rorschach is going through Homer and Marge's room and creates a big mess doing so, Bart arrives right at this moment.
BART: Hi dude, looking for what ? Crime evidences ? That's Mum's undergarments drawer by the way.
RORSCHACH (after closing the drawer briskly): Looking for the money I confiscated from the mobsters, wasn't where I left it. And don't call me dude.
BART: Okay dude, can I help ?
RORSCHACH (noticing Bart has two bags full of comics and Krusty products): How did you buy all this ?
BART: How did... Hey ! How dare you accuse me ? I would have never stolen anything from you ! I respects you, okay mainly fear you, too much for that.
LISA (who's just arrived): Bart, did you go through my room ? You went through Mum and Dad's room too ?
BART: No I didn't, he did (he points at Rorschach). Why does everyone keep accusing me of everything in this house ? You, Rorschach...
LISA: Rorschach accused you ? Of what ?
BART: Of stealing the money he's stolen...
RORSCHACH: Confiscated.
BART: … alright, confiscated from Fat Tony, to buy all these toys.
RORSCHACH: And you keep denying it.
LISA: He didn't steal the money.
RORSCHACH: How do you know that ?
LISA: I've seen him stealing Dad's wallet before going to the comic-books store.
RORSCHACH: Homer ! Why didn't I thought of it earlier ? Stupid.
He leaves the room and goes downstairs.
BART: Thank you for apologizing, Rory ! You shouldn't, really !
LISA: You're calling him that because you're sure he won't hear you, don't you ?
BART: No, he's just left before I could tell it to his face. I'm going downstairs, don't wanna miss the show, you're coming Liz ?
LISA: Okay, but just to prevent him from hurting Dad.
The living-room
Homer is sat on the couch, watching a football match on TV.
HOMER: Come on, come on ! Win, you stupids ! I've bet so much on you ! (the TV screen suddenly goes black). Aaaarg ! Who's the dumbass who's turned off the TV ?
He looks back and sees Rorschach with the TV remote in one hand.
RORSCHACH: Me. Where's the money, Homer ?
HOMER: What money ?
RORSCHACH: The money taken from the mobsters.
HOMER: Oh, that money. Well, I don't know, I swear.
RORSCHACH: Can make you talk, remember ?
BART: Do the finger-thing, do the finger-thing !
LISA: Bart ! Rorschach, stop it ! Dad, tell him where the money is if you know it, please !
HOMER: Why would I ? He will spend everything for Patty and Selma !
RORSCHACH: So you admit you've stolen it. Now tell me where it is.
HOMER: I don't remember.
RORSCHACH: Why did you do that, Homer ? Thought you wanted the two witches out too.
HOMER: Yes, but I don't want to spend all that money for them.
RORSCHACH: Listen, gotta pay that exterminator so that they go back home. Only way I found to get rid of them without hurting them. So, for the last time, tell me where...
Suddenly Ralph appears right between Homer and Rorschach.
RALPH: Hello Mr Kovacs, hello Lisa's Daddy. Hi Lisa !
LISA: It's getting worse and worse.
BART: Hey Liz, here's your boyfriend !
LISA: Bart !
BART: Hey Rorschach, did you know my sister used to be the Silk Specter as a school-monitor, in the team where Me and Ralphie here were too, funny isn't it ?
LISA: Shut up !
Lisa attacks Bart, they start fighting. The others don't pay attention.
RORSCHAHC (to Ralph): What are you doing here ? And please, put on some clothe on
RALPH (underpants with the happy little elves on magically appear): I just wanted to know when you come back to school. You're the nicest teacher I've ever had and I wanna know what happened to the elves.
HOMER: What's with the elves ?
RORSCHACH: Hurm. Not again... Wasn't a teacher, just a monitor. And for the last time, I've never said anything about elves. Now go away.
RALPH: But I wanna know what happened to the elves !
RORSCHACH: You little... Just go.
HOMER: Walter, you know. Maybe if you told him what happened to the bloody elves he would go (Rorschach glares at Homer and growls). Nevermind.
RALPH: Why is he so grumpy ?
HOMER: Because he wants to get rid of my wicked sisters-in-law by paying the exterminator so that he can get their apartment rid of the cockroaches. But I refuse to help these two witches !
RALPH: If I get rid of the bugs will you tell me what happened to the elves ?
RORSCHACH (not paying much attention): Yeah, sure. (to Homer) Now tell me where you hid... What the… !
He looks at his feet and sees that many cockroaches have invaded the living-room.
HOMER: Oh my God ! Oh my God ! (he jumps on the couch) Please don't eat me, I have kids ! Eat them instead !
BART AND LISA: Hem, hem !
He looks back and sees them on the top of the couch, just like him, looking furious.
LISA: Ralph get us rid of these things !
RALPH: Where do I send them ?
RORSCHACH: Anywhere but at Patty and Selma's place !
RALPH: Okay.
Moe's tavern
The cockroaches appears suddenly in the the tavern.
MOE: Oh Geez, just when I had finally got rid of the rats !
The Simpsons' living-room
HOMER: Are... are they all gone ?
LISA: Yes Dad, you can open your eyes.
BART: And get off the couch, it's cracking !
HOMER (muttering): Er Walter, I think you owe this weird kid something.
RORSCHACH: Hurm ? Oh yes. (to Ralph) They all lived happily ever after, satisfied ?
RALPH: Do you know any other story about elves ?
RORSCHACH: No !
RALPH: Lisa, you wanna come with me ?
LISA: Ralph...
BART: Come on Liz, he got us rid of the cockroaches and therefore of our aunts.
LISA: Okay, just for once, but no telepor...
They both teleport before she can end her sentence.
HOMER: Okay, now let's take care of the precious money !
RORSCHACH: You mean dirty money ?
HOMER: I know, I thought about it and I solved the problem.
The bathroom
RORSCHACH: So you hid the money in the bathroom ?
HOMER: Clever, eh ? The only place you never get in !
BART: Except when Mum forced you to take a shower (he notices Rorschach is glaring at him). And let's never speak of it again. So, where's the money, Dad ?
HOMER: Here Bart (he comes near the bathtub and open the curtains of the bathtub, revealing the bank-bills floating inside). See, they're not dirty anymore, I even put some bleach in it to make it whiter.
He takes off a bank-bill white as a paper-sheet and waves it under Bart and Rorschach's noses.
RORSCHACH: Hurm, gotta admit it, Homer. The money is definitely clean now.
BART: You idiot, we can't use the money anymore now ! I'm out of here, if somebody asks me I'm with Milhouse.
He leaves.
HOMER: D'Oh ! The boy's right ! (noticing Rorschach is about to open the door). Hey, you're not listening ! Where are you going !
RORSCHACH: Getting rid of the wicked-sisters.
HOMER (enthusiastically): Can I help you ?
Rorschach just shrugs.
Somewhere in Springfield
Lisa and Ralph appears somewhere.
LISA: … portation. Where the hell did you drag me in, Ralph ? That's it, I'm going home. (to herself) Well, when I'll find my way of course.
She walks away but she feels her dress is held by something, thus keeping her from going any further.
LISA: Ralph ! Let it go ! How many many time will I have to repeat it ? I don't want... (she looks back and sees a cute little pony holding her dress) a pony ! (she looks up at the pony; in awe, an sees Ralph on the pony)
RALPH: I'm on a dolphin. And look: more dolphins.
LISA: You mean... other ponies ? Aaaaw ! They're adorable ! Wait, all these cute little ponies ? I know where we are: this is the new Cute Little Ponies Ranch (she points at a sign with mostly pink, cute little flowers, cute little rainbow and many other decorative items all around so cutesy that it would make you sick... but let's go back to the story, shall we ?). But it's supposed to open in three day's only.
RALPH: I heard you say you couldn't wait to go there.
LISA: And you did all that for me, Ralph ? That's so adorable. (she tries to jump on pony but is unable to do that). Oh no, I'm in the Cute Little Pony's Ranch and I can't even ride them. Hey !
Ralph just teleported her on the pony.
LISA (mute for a minute): Er... thanks. But you could have helped me to ride without teleportation, don't you think ?
RALPH: Nope.
Lisa shrugs and decides to just enjoy the ride in the ranch.
THE SIMPSONS' HOUSE
We see Homer and Rorschach throwing Patty and Selma out, literally.
PATTY: Hey ! I think we had luggage !
SELMA: Yeah !
The door opens briefly and they received their luggage right in the face and fall.
HOMER (after closing the door): Ah, ah, in your face !
RORSCHACH: Hurm. Gotta admit it was a nice shot, Homer.
HOMER: The result of years of bowling, you were pretty good too (he stretches himself out and seems happy). Yawwwn ! Now this house is cleaned of any unwanted guess !
Somebody knocks at the door, Homer opens.
ABRAHAM: Hi son ! The hospice has burnt, can I come in your place ?
He slams the door at his father's face.
RORSCHACH: You left out your own father ?
HOMER: He's an old geezer.
RORSCHACH (opening the door): Lucky enough to have a father and you let him out. Unbelievable.
ABRAHAM (behind the door): Hello ? Can I come in ?
RORSCHACH: Sure.
ABRAHAM: Thank you, I hope I don't disturb.
RORSCHACH: Course not. Right, Homer ?
HOMER (with a forced smile): Suuure (to himself, when Rorschach is gone). Stupid comic-book character looking for some cheap substitute-father !
RORSCHACH: You were saying ?
HOMER: Er...
They hear someone knocking at the door.
RORSCHACH: Another relative you don't care about ? (he opens and sees a smiling Lisa) Yes.
HOMER: Hey ! I care a lot about my youngest kid !
RORSCHACH: Your youngest kid is Maggie.
HOMER: I care and I'll prove it right now. Where have you been sweety ?
LISA: I was with Ralph and it was the most wonderful time of my life !
She walks away humming and dancing.
RORSCHACH: Not worry about your daughter saying she had a "wonderful time" with a boy ?
HOMER: Oh p - lease ! It's Ralph we're talking about, remember ?
RORSCHACH: Hurm. True.
IN SPRINGFIELD'S STREETS
We see Rorschach as Pie-Man raising a pie as he approaches a
HOMER (as Pie-Man): Fear the Pie-Man, evil doer !
GANGSTER (raising a gun): Fear the gun, fatso !
HOMER (he left the pie go): Arg !
GANGSTER: Any last word ?
HOMER: Er... Er... Oh, hi pal !
GANGSTER: You're calling me pal ?
HOMER: No, I was talking to him.
GANGSTER (turning his head to the the direction pointed by Homer): Who... ? Hey... MUUuuuumMM !
RORSCHACH (who's approached the gangster and is now holding the pie Homer let go against the man's face): Eat that !
GANGSTER: Death by apple-pie... best death... ever.
And he falls dead, no he was unconscious, don't worry, but the protagonist don't have to know.
HOMER: Hey ! The pie is my stuff, you already got the finger-thing !
RORSCHACH: Forgot what I said about coming in patrol with me, Homer ?
HOMER: Hey, I wasn't patrolling with you !
RORSCHACH: Don't care. I don't want you to go on patrol, could get killed easily.
Suddenly they see Milhouse running away from something.
MILHOUSE: AAAAAAAH ! Help meeeeee !
He runs into Rorschach and falls.
MILHOUSE (looking at Rorschach in awe): WOW ! Now that's a costume ! How did you make the inkblots move, sir ?
BART (arriving): Milhouse, come on ! A superhero afraid of a mouse ! (he notices Rorschach) Eeep !
RORSCHACH: Hurm. Bart, what are you doing here ? And who's this kid ?
BART: Milhouse, my best friend. He was Nite Owl in the watchkids. We were just like you and the real Nite Owl. Just take a look.
He shows him a book with pictures of him and Milhouse back in their heroes' days: we can see Bart dragging Milhouse by his cape, Bart using him as a human-shield when fighting Jimbo and Bart thumbing at a badly injured Milhouse because he broke his fall as he's sitting on top of him.
RORSCHACH: Hurm, never treated Daniel that way ... Is he wearing a pajamas under his cape ?
MILHOUSE (wearing Nite Owl's cape and mask over a pajamas with little elves): Er... My Mum washed the rest of the costume after I stained it with jelly. And Bart, after breaking literally through my window and eating all my candy, asked me if I wanted to go on patrol with him and here I am.
RORSCHACH: You break into your friend's property and steal his food ? Despicable.
BART (sighing): I won't even stresses how hypocrite you're being Rorschach. Oh no, wait, I just did !
MILHOUSE: This is the real Rorschach ? Cool ! You're so lucky to have to have a superhero in your house, Bart ! Oh, and don't worry sir, your secret is safe with me. I'm too afraid of you after all the horrible things I saw you doing in the movie.
RORSCHACH: You better be. Hurm, surprises me Lisa hasn't showed up so far.
BART: I asked her if she wanted to come but she said she had homework to do, choosing homework over vigilantism, can you believe it ?
MILHOUSE: You mean I was not your first choice ?
BART: Yes, and you weren't Lisa's first choice either: she's passed the entire day with Ralph.
MILHOUSE (beginning to cry): WHAT ! That's so unfair ! I wanna go home and see my Mummy !
RORSCHACH (as he grabs the two boys by their collars): As you wish. We're going home.
THE SIMPSONS' LIVING-ROOM
Rorschach, Homer, Bart and Milhouse, still in costumes, just came back from the basement.
RORSCHACH: Next time I find you following me, you'll be on your own. Won't lose another chance to find out more about Burn's plan because of you !
HOMER: Oh, listen, how many times will I have to apologize ?
RORSCHACH: Don't apologize, just don't come back. The same goes for you, kids.
MILHOUSE: Yes sir.
BART: Hey, Lisa and I saved you last time, remember ?
RORSCHACH: Hurm. Just lucky, wouldn't have needed any help if your father hadn't ruined everything anyway. Moreover, not careful leaving home together like that, someone might find out about us one day or...
He opens the basement's door and finds himself face to face with Abe .
ABRAHAM: AAAAAAAH !
RORSCHACH: … another.
ABRAHAM: Get the hell out of here, you filthy burglars or you'll regret it !
BART: Calm down grandpa, it's me, Bart ! Take off your mask everyone.
They all do so, except Rorschach of course.
ABRAHAM: Oh, it's you. (seeing Rorschach) AAAAAAAH ! A burglar ! I'll blow your head off !
BART: Grandpa, it's just a hairdryer.
ABRAHAM: Uh... Well, I can still knock him off with it ! (he hits Rorschach, who doesn't react, with the hairdryer and shows himself incredibly weak: he doesn't even succeed to touch him) Take that ! And that ! And that !
BART: That's embarrassing. Hey, you don't seem mad. Why ?
RORSCHACH: Why should I ? He can't even reach me. It's just pitiful.
BART (sighs): Grandpa, stop embarrassing yourself. That's us.
HOMER: Can't you just take off your mask ?
RORSCHACH: No.
BART: Aw, come on ! With the senility he'll forget everything in the morning.
ABRAHAM (to his family): Who the hell are you ?
RORSCHACH: Hurm. Maybe you're right
He takes off his mask.
ABRAHAM: Who the hell are you ?
RORSCHACH: You don't remember ?
ABRAHAM: Remember what ?
RORSCHACH: I left you in this morning.
ABRAHAM: Oh yes, I remember... It was back in 1929, the economy was perfectly well, and Charlie Chaplin was the ruler of Germany...
HOMER: That's it, I'm out of here. See you tomorrow everyone !
He goes upstairs.
BART: Er... gotta get Milhouse back home, bye !
The boys run away and close the door.
ABRAHAM (moaning after sitting on the sofa next to Rorschach): Aw. Nobody listen to me in this family ! Does it bother you if I talk ?
RORSCHACH: Talk if you want, staying here anyway.
ABRAHAM: Really ? That's great ! Where was I ? Oh yes, then Hitler seized power in Germany after forcing his twin brother Charlie Chaplin to wear an iron mask, thus starting World War II...
A look at the clock: Abe has begun to talk: it is 4 a.m.
A second look at the clock, it is 5:30 a.m. Abe is still talking and Rorschach looks bored and sleepy.
ABRAHAM: … And that's how I've briefly been the king of the Morlocks, brave fellas, not like these melonheads we have nowadays. Wow, you're the first person I've met who's listened to me that long since many many years ! Wanna hear how I almost killed Hitler while disguised as Marlene Dietrich in a cabaret ?
RORSCHACH (sleepy): Hurm ?... Thought you passed World War II in an elite-squadron scalping nazis. The Hellfishes or something.
ABRAHAM: Whut ? Well, I did lots of things during the war. And after. You see, I was send on a mission to take back the statue of our town-founding-father, Jebediah Springfield from the Reds and...
RORSCHACH: Wait (he takes his mask and puts it on). Go on.
Rorschach is now snoring but Abraham doesn't notice and keeps talking.
THE SIMPSONS' HOUSE, LATER IN THE MORNING
ABRAHAM: … And that's how I won World War III against the giant squid space invader sent by the Reds.
He then falls asleep and begins to snore.
The Simpsons family looks at the two of them sleeping.
MARGE: Oh look, they're still asleep. It's nice to see someone spending some time with grandpa.
HOMER: Yeah, as long as it's not me !