Better Version of Me

Chapter 7

"If I speak, I am condemned. If I stay silent, I am damned." -Les Misérables

O O O

"I can't believe you did that!" exclaimed Teddy, roaring with laughter.

"Well, we had to, Malfoy was number one on the Git List," said Harry.

"So, clearly impersonating his friends with Polyjuice Potion was the only logical thing to do?"

Harry shrugged, chopping an onion up. "Malfoy didn't have friends, only cronies." Harry turned his head away from his work. "I can't do this, Teddy. It's making me cry."

Teddy rolled his eyes but was laughing. "Let's switch, then, you big baby."

"Hey," said Harry, but gladly replaced Teddy in chopping the bell peppers, which would not make his eyes water violently, "I resent that title."

Teddy elbowed Harry, as they were side by side cutting vegetables on the counter for their dinner. "Then don't earn it."

Harry laughed but didn't answer. "Anyway," Teddy continued, "onions make everyone cry. You just complain more than most."

"Oh, I see."

"I'm glad you understand my side of the issue." Teddy, finished with the onion, moved onto the zucchini.

"An issue, am I?" asked Harry, grabbing his Godson's side.

Teddy laughed, pointing his sharp knife at Harry. "Don't make me use this."

"To cut off your own fingers if you're not careful."

"Shut up." Teddy averted his smile, and Harry felt the familiar pang of want run through his body. He struggled to crush the feeling.

"So, Chef Lupin, what is next on our meal plan?" Harry asked, in order to distract himself from how temptingly carefree Teddy looked in that moment.

Teddy laughed loudly, then said, "Well, apprentice Harry, we will be adding the vegetables to the pan and then sauté them in a light brown sauce, cooking the rice alongside them. Any questions?"

Harry leaned back against the counter and looked at his Godson. "Yeah, when do we eat?"

Snorting, Teddy tossed a spatula at Harry. "When you finish cooking, slave. Now get to work."

Harry asked no further questions and merely tried quell his urge to flirt more than he already had as he moved the vegetables around on the pan.

The pair finished cooking and set about eating the meal Teddy had taught Harry how to make.

"You know," said Harry, "if Herbology doesn't work out for you in the long run, you could always become a master chef."

"Somehow, I don't think my sautéed vegetables would be the talk of the town when it comes to food delicacy. Also, since most people eat meat, I wouldn't really have a place in the industry."

"Well, I love your cooking, and that's what really counts," said Harry, stabbing a vegetable with his fork and popping it in his mouth.

Teddy nodded, lightly smiling at Harry. He seemed to be lost in thought. "I agree."

Harry returned the grin and the pair continued their meal in tranquil silence.

It was the second evening of Teddy's stay, and Harry couldn't help but notice he was happier than he had been in ages, at least for this long. Generally Harry's contentedness came and went like the wind. But this was staying. Well, as long as Teddy stuck around. Which, for Harry, was until Sunday, and then Teddy was off for his fifth year at Hogwarts. But Harry chose not to think about that time, rather like he chose not to think of the past, instead choosing to focus on what was in front of him in the here and now.

"So, we're gonna watch a movie?" Teddy asked. "I forget the name of the one you got recently."

"That's because I haven't told you. But one thing first: are you going to fall asleep again?" asked Harry. Admittedly, Harry quite enjoyed it when Teddy fell asleep as they watched the television: it was endearing, and Harry loved holding Teddy in his arms as he carried him back to his room.

Teddy was eager to protest. "I don't always fall asleep!" Harry raised an eyebrow at the boy. "I don't!"

"Name one time I didn't have to lug your deadweight all the way back to your room after we watched something on that television."

Teddy didn't answer, instead choosing to clean up the mess they made.

With that, and a victorious smirk, Harry introduced a film that was not quite as action-packed as ones they watched previously but still looked good.

Teddy quickly joined Harry back in front of the screen. Harry was already sitting, with his socked feet resting leisurely on the coffee table, one arm resting along the back of the sofa. Teddy snatched up the remote from the same table, quickly pressing play.

Harry was startled when Teddy, looking determinedly casual, threw himself down on the couch and snuggled into Harry's side. Before, when they watched a movie or show, Teddy would at most lay down on Harry's lap, like the first time. And, seeing as Harry refused to initiate long-term contact because he was nervous about what he might do, Teddy had no such qualms.

In fact, Harry noticed that Teddy had been more affectionate than usual with him in the past two days than he had ever been before. Whether it was a caress on his arm or an enthusiastic hug, Teddy seemed to touch him at every opportunity he had. Harry summed it up to Teddy being worried of abandonment again, not that Harry planned to leave him anytime soon like he did before, but subconscious fears like that existed.

Unfortunately, the closeness Teddy insisted on having with him was a slow form of torture on Harry's part, for his body betrayed his desire far too often. Yet, at the same time, he also wouldn't push Teddy's advances away, for fear of him taking it the wrong way and becoming hurt or upset.

So, instead, Harry wrapped a gentle arm around Teddy's shoulders, who appeared bent on rejection, and they seemed to let out a collective breath of relief; alas, the world had not ended.

They watched the movie in silence, this time Teddy not falling asleep. Teddy stayed glued to Harry's side the whole time, and Harry rubbed his shoulder methodically. They were far into it when Teddy spoke, interrupting the careful quiet.

"Is this okay?" he asked.

Harry furrowed his brow, stopping the repetitive motions of his hand. "What do you mean?"

Teddy sighed, and he pulled away, out of Harry's arms, turning around to face him.

"This." Teddy gestured vaguely at the two of them. "Look, I know you must think I'm an idiot for being so annoyingly clingy-"

"Hey," Harry said. "One, you are not an idiot; don't ever think that. Second, you are not annoying or clingy. And I would never think either one of those things about you. Ever."

Teddy looked away. "Maybe."

Harry was now concerned. "Teddy, no. I absolutely love having you here with me. What's wrong?"

Teddy shrugged, picking at a thread on his shirt. His hair turned navy. Seeing this, Harry placed both of his hands on Teddy's shoulders. He bent his head forward to look at his Godson, but then sighed when the boy buried his head down further so Harry couldn't see him. "I'm not going to leave you, Ted," he said, as that was what he assumed was the issue. "I started therapy, and I've gotten my life back on track. I'll be here for you. Always. No matter what. Do you know that?"

Teddy nodded, then mumbled something.

Harry's mouth twitched upwards the slightest bit. "What was that?"

Teddy spoke only slightly more coherently: "That's not what I'm talking about."

Harry was confused. "Then why are you bringing yourself down and calling yourself names?"

Teddy finally looked up, a look of the deepest conflict on his face. "I just-the reason I said I was maybe too clingy was-Harry, I-oh, bollocks, I can't say it." Teddy buried his face in his hands, and then his back turned on Harry.

Now really worried, Harry got up to kneel in front of him on the ground. Their faces were now level, and Harry could smell Teddy's breath and see every freckle on his nose. "You can tell me anything," Harry said, trying to not focus on how temptingly close his want sat. When Teddy didn't respond, Harry opened his mouth to reassure him again, only to find another one blocking the words from coming out. Harry's voice muffled against the mouth, his senses leaving him. His thoughts cluttered, he went to reach for the face, only to find it gone, his mouth now tingling violently.

Teddy tore himself away, giving Harry only a moment to see his mortified face, before running from the room. Harry heard a door slam, and it seemed to jar him out of his reverie.

Teddy kissed him. He had kissed him.

Harry collapsed against the coffee table, processing this information. Wow.

He spent only a minute collecting his thoughts as best he could before gaining enough awareness of the situation to deal with it. Slowly, he got up from the ground and made his way through the condo to Teddy's door. He knocked.

"Can I come in?" he asked. He received no response. He knocked once more. "Teddy?" Slowly, he turned the handle, poking first his head, then his whole body, in through the doorway.

A shaking mass lay under the quilt on the bed.

Sighing, Harry came over and sat on the side of the bed. Harry pulled back the covers just enough so that Teddy's now-black hair and heartbroken face were visible.

Tears ran down his cheeks, and Harry insides squirmed uncomfortably.

"Do you hate me?" whispered Teddy.

Harry reached out a hand, locking it in Teddy's hair. "No, Teddy. Never."

Teddy let out a muffled sob, burying his face in the pillow. "But, I-I kissed you. Gran says you're like a dad to me, and I kissed you. I ruined everything. I'm sick-"

Harry couldn't stand to hear the pain in that voice anymore and pulled Teddy up in a hug. "Shh," murmured Harry, rocking the boy back and forth. The whole situation was surreal, and Harry was having trouble processing what it meant. "You are not sick, Teddy. I love you so much. Nothing is wrong with you. There, now, quiet down." Slowly, Teddy's sobs turned silent, and Harry pulled back, wiping away the traces of tears on Teddy's reddened, puffy cheeks with his thumbs.

Harry warred with himself briefly before placing his question. "Why did you do it?" Harry asked, for he had to be sure if he was contemplating being with-

"I'm in love with you." The words were a punch in the gut to Harry, who had imagined no blatant declarations of anything, much less love, from his Godson when he asked that question. Teddy's tortured face stared at him miserably.

Harry let out a shaky laugh, his nerves getting the best of him. Teddy, obviously hurt by Harry's response, turned away and looked once more on the verge of tears. "I knew it," Teddy said. "I'm a joke. You're disgusted, you don't want me, you-"

"No, Teddy," said Harry, effectively cutting off Teddy's ramblings. Not knowing quite what else to do, Harry went with his gut. He grasped Teddy's cheeks gently with his hands, and his Godson looked up with wonder and confusion at him. Slowly, so that Teddy had enough time to react and stop him, Harry lowered his lips onto Teddy's.

Now that Harry had awareness of what they were doing, his whole body reacted to the boy and the touch. The kiss sent shivers up and down his spine, heat pooled wetly in his stomach, and there seemed to not be quite enough pressure in the motion of moving lips, yet still an overwhelming amount. Teddy's mouth was so delicate, so soft, and Harry drank from it hungrily, moistly moving his own against it. Teddy let out a nervous laugh of disbelief into the kiss, and Harry, knowing how he felt, was quick to swallow it and put it to rest. Their lips tangled joyfully as they moved to familiarize their partner.

Knowing the kiss had to end, Harry pulled away, eyes closed and chest heaving.

"Why did you do that?" panted Teddy. Harry opened his eyes and let the bubble of happiness in his chest burst forth in a grin at his Godson.

"Same reason you did." Teddy's eyes looked nearly comical with how wide they got, hair turning an electric blue, literally glowing, and Harry couldn't help but laugh, clutching the boy to his chest tightly.

"Oh, my God," Teddy said, burying his head in Harry's neck. He shivered at the feeling of soft hair against his skin.

Harry was completely overwhelmed. "I know." He pressed his lips against Teddy's glowing head in disbelief.

They pulled apart, rather in shock at how the evening played out. Then Teddy yawned, and Harry let out a chuckle, ruffling the boy's hair. "You should get to bed. You never were one to stay up past midnight."

Teddy rolled his eyes but was smiling. "So you say."

"So I know."

Teddy, shyly, grabbed Harry's hand. "Stay?" The boy looked up earnestly at Harry. He looked like a declining answer would crumble him. The request was one Harry would never believe he'd hear from his Godson's mouth.

Harry's heart screamed, "Yes, yes, YES!" at the question, but Harry knew it wouldn't be right, no matter what Teddy wanted. Harry was the adult, and, as such, he had to put a limit on whatever their relationship had become.

He knew it wasn't accepted, and he had to find a way to talk to Teddy about it. And, to figure it out, he needed space. To sleep in his Godson's bed after they kissed could quite possibly lead to regret and shame. More shame than he already felt, anyway.

But, despite his guilt, Harry's happiness of that moment was so fresh and raw that he couldn't quell it. He couldn't act rashly because of it though, so his brain won out over heart in the end.

"I can't, Ted." The boy's face fell, but he clearly tried to cover that up. His hair stopped glowing.

"Oh," he said. "That's okay. It was a silly question, besides." Teddy got up and started grabbing clothes for bed.

Harry sighed, wondering how many extremes he was going to go to and from tonight. "Teddy," he said. "I'm just a bit overwhelmed right now. I don't understand the situation completely. I need to figure it out, and, to do that, I've got to have space."

Teddy made a sound in confirmation, but it was so blasé that Harry knew the boy was hurt.

He stood up and wrapped his arms around Teddy from behind. "I love you, Teddy. Nothing will ever change that." He rested his forehead against the back of Teddy's neck.

"Nothing?" he asked.

"Nothing."

"Okay." Teddy pulled away and shot Harry a short, semi-resigned smile.

Harry pulled Teddy back to him before he could wander too far, pressing a kiss against his malleable mouth. "Goodnight."

Teddy seemed slightly reassured by the tender kiss. "G'night."

Harry let go and turned to leave. He stopped in the doorway and looked back at the boy. "We'll talk in the morning."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

O O O

A/N: This beautiful, new computer makes me want to write. Also, sautéed vegetables are like my favorite things in the world, after chocolate, Glee, and musicals. Speaking of musicals, which I LOOOVE, I always make Teddy and Harry watch action films because I'm a girl and I don't like action movies, really (cept fo deathly hallows II it the shit), so boys are opposite and would like it. duh.

AND everyone who reviewed, hugs and kisses a million :) I would write even without you, since I enjoy it, but it is always time for a happy dance when I get some feedback, since I love hearing what people like about it (not so much hate lawl). Happy dancin' more with REVIEWS?

(P.S. Pages is a bit different than word, so all my dashes are - because I don't know how to make it the long, connected one on there. I am technology deficient)