Steve turned away from the light streaming through the windows of his room, trying to hide from the sun for a few minutes more. He reached out a hand, not knowing if it would touch cold metal or warm flesh. When his arm was fully extended and still touching nothing but soft sheets, he remembered. Bucky wasn't in bed with him, hadn't been for two weeks now, which explained the uncharacteristic hardness between his thighs.
Sex with Bucky wasn't the same as it had been before he was turned into the Winter Soldier. Nothing was as it had been, but they had managed to feel each other out again and enjoy a new kind of intimacy-a timid, slow exploration that had become more and more frequent and fervent. Until now. Until Ana.
Steve shrunk away from the empty side of the bed, allowing the sunlight to blaze across his eyelids. Ana had begun therapy and seemed to be doing better, though Steve still hadn't seen her swallow a single pill.
Bucky needed to be focused on his own recovery, but he was consumed with taking care of her to the point where he canceled their last joint therapy session. Apparently, his doctor wasn't concerned so long as he kept up his individual sessions. When Steve voiced his own concerns, she asked if he would like to come in for a session by himself. It wasn't about him. It was about Bucky. Why did no one understand that?
In spite of his frustration, or perhaps because of it, his cock was still throbbing. He wasn't about to go to breakfast with morning wood, so there was only one thing to be done. He took himself in hand, rubbing across the leaking tip as he mentally flipped through his favorite memories.
All of the best memories were from before he lost Bucky. He cherished what they had now, but it didn't get him going like what they used to do. He still remembered how his hands quivered the first time he touched Bucky. They were still teenagers, hadn't touched anyone else yet. They both spilled quickly, quaking in one another's arms.
That was the only time they touched as boys, but it wasn't long after they moved in together that they stopped denying how they felt for one another. That night was burned into his being like a brand on his soul, but he didn't know if Bucky remembered it at all.
Bucky had come in from yet another date, but this time he let Steve see the evidence of his encounter. His lips were smeared with red lipstick and his collar was open enough to reveal a hickey on his collarbone.
Seeing the mark filled Steve with a warm fuzziness that he associated with the moment before someone punched him. "Have a good time, Buck?" he had asked.
"The bar played good music," Bucky said, looking at Steve from across the room, far enough that he didn't have to look down to see him properly.
Steve narrowed his eyes. "You didn't answer my question. Did you have a good time?"
Bucky shifted his gaze to the floor. "I guess. It'll do."
"It'll do?" Steve repeated. "You let a dame do that to you and you didn't even enjoy it?"
Bucky blinked at his shoes and swallowed hard enough to bob his Adam's apple before he met Steve's gaze. "Who said it was a dame?"
Steve shook his head at that, squinting like Bucky had just spoken another language. "What do you mean? Of course it was a dame. You've got lipstick all over you."
"Fellas have lips too, Stevie." Bucky didn't shy away from Steve's eyes now.
"You mean-" Steve started, striding across the room until he was inches from Bucky. The queasy lurch in his stomach hardened. "You let a man touch you? You let another man kiss you?"
Bucky licked his lips like he was going to say something, but nodded instead. "What are you gonna do about it?"
Even then, Steve hesitated, wasn't sure this was what Bucky wanted. They hadn't touched, not like that, in years. After Bucky found girls, Steve assumed that it would never happen again.
But then why had Bucky gone out looking for a good time with another man? Maybe he just didn't want Steve. But Bucky had said "it'll do" like there was something, someone he wanted more.
Steve pressed his small hands against Bucky's broad chest and shoved him hard enough to step back against the wall. "What am I gonna do about it?" Steve's voice came out breathy and deep and desperate. Steve threaded his fingers through the back of Bucky's short hair and pulled hard. "I'm gonna teach you a lesson is what I'm gonna do."
Bucky's eyes closed as he moaned and Steve wanted nothing more than to make him make that noise over and over again. "You're mine," Steve said. "No one else's."
"Yours," Bucky answered. "No one else's. Please, Stevie. Want to be yours. Please."
"Prove it," Steve said, tugging on Bucky's collar with his free hand until he dropped to his knees. Steve unzipped and pushed his pants down just enough to pull out his length.
Bucky lunged for it with an open mouth, but Steve still had a hand in his hair and kept him back. "Beg for it, Buck."
Steve expected a sarcastic remark, but Bucky's pupils were already blown and ravenous. "Oh, please, Stevie. Let me make you feel good. I've wanted to taste you for so long. Please." Bucky's tongue swiped across his lips like he was starved for the precum glistening on Steve's dick.
Steve's hips swayed forward on their own as he looked down at Bucky, so gorgeous and on his knees. But he didn't want to just get off. He wanted Bucky, all of him. "You gonna be good for me, Buck? Stay at home with me and stop chasin' tail?"
"Yes, Stevie." Bucky nodded. "I'm yours. Yours."
Steve rubbed the thumb of his free hand across Bucky's cheekbone. Bucky leaned into the touch. His skin was warm and wet with perspiration. Steve's eyes went back to the red stains on Bucky's lips. He swiped his thumb across his cheek and traced the softness of Bucky's lips, drawing a shiver from the kneeling man. "Open up."
Bucky instantly obeyed, dropping his jaw and accepting Steve's thumb into his mouth, groaning as it traced his tongue.
When his thumb was sufficiently wet, Steve took it from Bucky's mouth and tilted his head up by the hair he was still holding. With each swipe of his thumb, the offensive red faded. Steve dipped into Bucky's mouth three more times until there was no remaining trace of lipstick. "That's better. All right, Buck. Take what you want."
It was Steve's turn to moan when the slick warmth of Bucky's mouth surrounded him, taking him down to the hilt in three gulps. Bucky ran his tongue along the underside of Steve's cock in firm, quick strokes before swirling around the tip.
Steve let his head fall back as Bucky swallowed around him. The velvet pressure was making his knees weak. When Bucky disconnected for a moment to recapture his breath, the cold air made Steve gasp and he suddenly wondered if Bucky had done more than kiss the man at the bar, if that had even been his first time with another man. But then Bucky's mouth was back on him and Steve couldn't bring himself to care. Bucky belonged to him and he belonged to Bucky. No one else.
They couldn't keep their hands off each other after that. Steve still remembered being worried that Bucky would reject his serum enhanced body, but the opposite happened. Bucky had always seen Steve as larger than life, a good man, a man to follow. Bucky loved being controlled by Steve. It didn't matter that he was little. Bucky felt safe in Steve's skinny arms. He wanted nothing more than to drop to his knees and worship him. But now Steve's outsides matched his insides and that, Bucky insisted, was hotter than hell. Steve could throw him on the bed and hold him against the wall while he slammed inside. That suited Bucky just fine.
It's the memory of the first night they were together in a tent beside the other Howling Commandos that finally draws an orgasm out of Steve alone in his bed. Bucky had called him "sir" before, but that was the first time he called him Captain.
Steve shuddered with the pleasure. The light coming in through the window was harsher now, impossible to ignore. Bucky would never call him Captain in bed again. Steve knew some of what Bucky had gone through at HYDRA's hands. He wouldn't risk triggering him. If anything, Ana's sudden significance in Bucky's life proved just how little he knew about the lifetime Bucky had lived without him. With that thought, all of Steve's pleasure turned sour.
In the kitchen, Wanda stacked a platter full of pancakes and waffles while Bruce cut strawberries, plums, and bananas. Vision set out plates and silverware buffet style. The savory smell of eggs and bacon invaded the halls, slowly drawing the Avengers out of their rooms.
"Why do you two insist on cooking?" Tony asked, biting into a slice of bacon. "You know the bots will do it."
"And you know we like to do it," Wanda said, her voice exasperated from having the conversation one too many times.
Another door opened and closed, but whoever came out ducked into the bathroom, so Wanda didn't look up to greet anyone until she heard Vision's deep inhale.
Ana was standing at the mouth of the hallway, staring at Vision. Wanda flickered her gaze between the two, wishing Bucky had checked to make sure the coast was clear before his morning leak. "Good morning, Ana," Wanda said.
"Morning," Ana said, eyes still on Vision. Tony stood up from his seat, ready to intervene, and Bruce was already taking slow, deliberate steps toward Ana.
"Maybe I should-" Vision started, but went silent when Ana sidestepped Bruce and walked up to him. Regardless of all the moments she had spent staring, she didn't quite meet his eyes when she was in front of him. Bruce had followed Ana's steps and reached out to touch her arm but stopped when she started talking.
"I want to apologize for my behavior when I first came here. I know you've been avoiding common areas because of me. I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable in your own home and for thinking you were that- that terrible man. I hope we can start again."
When Ana managed to look at Vision's face again, he was smiling.
"No need for apologies," Vision said. "You have been through quite a lot. Your reaction was understandable. I would very much like to start again, as you said."
The tension in the room broke like a wave reaching the shore. "Hungry?" Wanda asked, offering Ana a plate.
"Yes, please," Ana said.
Sam, Nat, and Steve were lined up to fill their plates when Bucky came into the kitchen. He found Ana sitting at the table and was happy to see that she looked comfortable. She hadn't tried to sit on the floor again, but she had only transitioned from sitting on his lap to claiming a seat of her own a few days before. Her plate was too sparsely filled, and he made a mental note to get extra on his plate to shove onto hers.
It wasn't until Bucky was filling a glass with juice that he noticed who Ana was sitting next to. She was deep in conversation with Vision. She didn't look terrified or even scared, just interested in what he was saying. Bucky nearly spilled orange juice all over the counter watching them.
"Want to save some juice for the rest of us?" Natasha asked, one eyebrow arched in amusement. Bucky rolled his eyes and handed her the half-full carton. "She seems to be settling in well," Natasha said, nodding toward Ana.
Bucky smiled and nodded. "Yeah, she is."
"Can't say the same for Steve," Natasha said.
Bucky looked at the far end of the table where Steve and Sam were sitting. Sam was the cheeriest damn morning person Bucky had ever seen. He and Steve were usually the first ones out for a run and always came back laughing and energized. This morning, Sam's brow held the usual band of sweat, but Steve was still in pajamas.
Though he couldn't hear what Sam was saying, he knew Falcon was trying to get Steve to laugh from his exaggerated facial expression. Steve gave him a wry smile and speared some eggs with his fork.
Bucky's stomach clenched at Steve's obvious unhappiness, but there wasn't anything he could do. Until Steve trusted Ana, nothing he said would make a difference.
Natasha handed him the juice carton to put back in the fridge but took her time grabbing a napkin like she had something else to say. Bucky stood there, wondering if it was going to be a lecture or encouragement.
"Why don't you and Steve spend a few hours together today? Ana can stay with me."
Bucky opened his mouth, ready to reject Nat's offer, but then he looked back to the table where Ana was content and Steve was miserable. "Thanks, Nat. That'd be great."
After leaving Ana with Natasha and Wanda in the gym, Bucky met Steve in the garage. Steve straddled his bike wordlessly and beckoned for Bucky to get on behind him. Riding on the motorcycle had always been one of Bucky's favorite things. Between the force of the rumbling engine and the way he had to cling to Steve, he never failed to be throbbing and needy by the time they got to wherever they were going.
As usual, Bucky didn't know their destination. He let Steve take the lead and relaxed against his back, reveling in the spicy, sweet scent of Steve swirling all around him. Traffic was light, so it wasn't long before they were out of the city and soon enough Bucky guessed where they were going.
Tony shared more than just the tower with them. He had residences across the globe that the Avengers used whenever they wanted or needed to, one of which was in Brooklyn. It was a renovated building right on the bay with wide windows and too many amenities to remind either of them of their childhood, but it was still Brooklyn. It still smelled of home.
Bucky's head was still fuzzy from the bike when they walked onto the main floor. He was ready to jump on Steve then and there, but despite the closeness of the ride, Steve was still quiet and reserved, to the point of sitting on the opposite end of the couch after Bucky sat down. Bucky was trying to decipher whether Steve needed him to be adoring or sarcastic when Steve spoke.
"JARVIS, pull up everything on Mission Alpha Radical Five-Four."
Bucky frowned at Steve as images started filling the air in front of them.
Steve kept talking without looking at him. "Tony needs you to go with him tomorrow. I know you haven't wanted to leave her, but you agreed to tonight and you're the right man for this mission. It should only be one night away."
Bucky didn't look at the mission directives. His voice came out scratchy with indignation. "What the fuck, Steve? What is this? Did you get Natasha to set me up just for some goddamn mission?"
Steve scoffed at the accusation. "No. Tony wasn't going to ask and neither was I because we didn't think you'd leave. But here we are, an hour's drive from the tower. If you can stand this, you can be away overnight to make sure Tony comes home unharmed."
"I'm not going to leave her overnight," Bucky said, crossing his arms and curling into the corner of the couch. "She still has nightmares and triggers. She needs someone she can trust at night."
Steve shook his head. "So she stays up and watches movies for one night. She'll be fine."
"Seriously? Why are you being so fucking heartless? You were there for me when I needed you."
Steve's eyes got wide then twitched into narrow slits. "She's dealing with everything a little too well if you ask me. Of course, you don't ask me. You barely talk to me. She is messing with your recovery! You told me what they did to you, but not all of it, and not about her! And it's obvious why. You think I can't tell a submissive when I see one? They used her to manipulate you!"
Steve was standing by the end of his tirade, but Bucky stayed seated. "Yeah. They used her," Bucky admitted. "They used me too, remember? I didn't tell you about her because I didn't want to hurt you even more. The way you reacted to what I have told you…. Steve, you touch me like I'm made of glass. Maybe that was the right thing to do for a while but not anymore. I need you to trust me. I need you to trust her."
"What if I can't?" Steve said, his voice like a growl and fists at his side.
Bucky felt like there was no oxygen in the room. His whole body strained against the words he knew he had to say. "Then we'll leave."
Steve's hands twitched and unclenched. His body dropped to the couch hard and fast enough to drive the air from the cushions. He leaned forward on his knees and buried his face in his hands. "You're choosing her."
Bucky knew what Steve was thinking, but it wasn't true. He had to make Steve understand. Bucky scrambled across the space between them and pulled Steve's face up to hold in his own hands. "I love you. I have always loved you. That hasn't changed. But she's healing, Steve. She needs me. I don't want to choose. I love you both. I need you both. But dammit, if I have to make a choice, it's her. Not because I love her more but because she doesn't know how to move through this world on her own."
Steve's eyes were closed, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I need you, Buck. I can't- Don't leave. I won't make you choose. I just want you to be ok. I want you to be healthy. If this is what you need- If she- I trust you, Buck."
Bucky didn't have words for the relief that spread through his body. He swung a leg across Steve's lap and pulled him into a tight hug, kissing down his neck and up again until their lips met. Steve relaxed into Bucky's embraces, desperate for his touch. Bucky licked into his mouth and plunged inside, getting tangled in the flavor of his man.
Despite the fervor of the kiss, Steve felt like he was breathing properly for the first time in days. He cupped Bucky's neck in his hand and dragged him closer, taking control of the kiss. Bucky softened into him as much as possible with that much muscle mass and rolled his hips into Steve's lap.
With a sudden twist, Steve was on top, pinning Bucky beneath him and wrapping his hand around the brunette's growing erection. Bucky let out a sound somewhere between a moan and a sob at the touch. Steve knew how long Bucky had to go untouched to be that sensitive. Steve was only a little ashamed of how satisfied he was to know that Ana had Bucky had not had sex since she moved in.
"Please, Stevie. I need you in me. Please."
All thought of Ana fled from his mind at Bucky's pleading. He knew he shouldn't encourage Bucky degrading himself, however slight. But blood was rushing to his cock in a way it hadn't since before he flew that plane into the ocean. His whole body shivered with anticipation and bare desire. He let Bucky's words echo in his head as he undressed them both. He didn't demand that Bucky beg more. Didn't call him wanton or whore. HYDRA had turned those delicious words into weapons, and Steve refused to wound Bucky.
Steve babbled sweet nothings into Bucky's ear as he stretched him. When he finally pushed inside the tight heat of Bucky's body, his mind supplied a litany of all the filthy things Bucky used to say. Steve let his head fall into the crook of Bucky's neck and focused on the present. It wasn't the same, but it was Bucky. That was enough.
When Bucky and Steve got off the elevator, they were holding hands. The wrinkles around Steve's eyes suggested he was still distracted, but the sadness had eased a bit. Beside him, Bucky looked like someone wandering the city after a disaster, thankful to have survived but still unsure of what had been lost. Nonetheless, they were holding hands, so Natasha considered her mission accomplished.
"How'd she do?" Bucky asked, eyes searching the open floor plan for the third time in as many seconds.
"She did fine," Natasha said. "She watched me and Wanda workout until Wanda had to go. After that, I decided to dance to get some more cardio."
Bucky was already on his way to the hallway, dragging Steve along, nodding in a way that Natasha knew meant he wasn't listening. "Wait a minute," she said.
Bucky spun on his feet, his eyes crinkled with worry as they turned to the redhead. "What happened?"
"Nothing bad. I just didn't realize that she hadn't really heard music before."
Bucky blinked. Ana hadn't heard music? The idea of it seemed absurd until he considered it. Her father had given her over to HYDRA so young. She probably didn't remember much from her childhood. Once HYDRA had her, he doubted there was more than a handful of opportunities to listen to music. The few memories he had of music during his days as the Winter Soldier were confined to what his handlers listened to in transit to and from missions.
Except, he had memories of Ana and music. He closed his eyes and reached for them. There weren't many. All of them involved him being in bed with Ana, after missions that took too long or demanded too much. Ana holding him, stroking his hair, and...humming. No words, just affectionate notes that reverberated through his bones and made it possible to sleep again.
"How did she react?" Steve asked, drawing Bucky's attention back into the kitchen.
"She loved it," Natasha said. "She's been in the bedroom with headphones on ever since. JARVIS had the bright idea to let her listen to all of our personal playlists to see what she liked." Natasha rolled her eyes. She always thought JARVIS was a little too lax with his privacy policy. "She's got a great voice."
"Thank you for taking care of her," Bucky said. He was polite enough to wait for Natasha's wordless nod before darting back toward the hallway.
Ana's voice lilted, then burst into passion.
"I can't lose hope, what's left of my heart's still made of gold.
And I know that I'm still fucked up, but aren't we all, my love?
Darling, our scars make us who we are, are.
So when the winds are howling strong and you think you can't go on, hold tight, sweetheart.
You'll find a rainbow, rainbow, baby.
Trust me, I know life is scary but just put those colors on, girl.
Come and play along with me tonight.
You gotta learn to let go, put the past behind you.
Trust me, I know, the ghosts will try to find you, but just put those colors on, girl.
Come and paint the world with me tonight."
Her voice faded to a murmur and then a hum. Bucky had tears in his eyes. Steve smiled at him, sweet and accepting, then pulled him into a hug. Bucky sniffled and sighed. When they pulled apart, Bucky wiped his eyes dry. "I'll go tomorrow. I'll cover Tony. As long as Nat is ok with keeping her company."
"If Ana is more comfortable with Nat, that's fine, but I'll be here, Bucky. I'll take care of her. If that's ok with her and you."
Bucky planted a kiss on Steve's lips. "Thank you."
"JARVIS," Ana's voice came from behind the closed door. They didn't hear JARVIS answer, but he must have replied in the headphones because Ana spoke again. "What's a rainbow?"