Once Upon a Time—
Purple Mafia Style
Chapter Seven
Seth still stood with Jazz, trying to find a good pick-up line to use.
"Hmm, maybe you should try something that sounds more mature and learned," Jazz advised.
"Learned? I suppose I can do that." He thought for a second. "Hello, well-formed Homo-sapien specimen. Would you care to depart with me towards my domiciliary residence and observe a documentary of the ontogenesis of another Homo-sapien individual just prior to fertilization?"
"That was a bit too much."
"I guess so. Do you know any good ones?"
"How about, 'Hi. Can I domesticate you?'," she laughed.
"Sure," he said.
"Wait, what?" Jazz looked at him, confused.
"Huh, what's wrong?" he asked.
"What did you just say?"
"Uhm... I'm pure?"
"Oh..." They both blushed. Seth leaned a little closer to her.
"I have just one last question to ask you."
"And what would that be?" she asked, her eyes big and curious. He blushed.
"Can I try a pick up line on you?"
Jazz's eyes widened.
"You mean, not just for practice?" she asked.
"Nope," he returned. Jazz started to lean closer to him, when suddenly the door opened and two figures walked in.
One of the figures looked slightly familiar. He had dark black, bowl-shaped hair and a dark black uni-brow to match it. His face looked uncannily like a frog's. Large ears protruded from the sides of his head. His large roman nose took up most of his face, which was covered in freckles. He was not a very attractive male.
The other figure had slightly longer hair, but it was horribly thin. Seth couldn't tell if it was a female or male. It had a large forehead and a roman nose so big, it rivaled Frog boy's. Now, this wasn't the normal somewhat sexy roman nose. It was the kind of roman nose you'd expect on a witch. Its face looked oddly stretched out and boney. The two definitely caught people's attention. Sadly, those same people would get sick almost instantly after looking upon them.
Slowly, Jazz and Seth walked up to the duo, fighting the urge to hurl. The frog faced boy turned to his partner.
"I'm on top of things, would you like to be one of them?" The partner snickered.
Seth recognized this as a challenge. He turned to Jazz. "Soccer players can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions. Just thought you should know that." Jazz smirked and she and Seth looked back at the horrific couple.
"You're pretty good," said the frog faced boy. "The name's Tank. This here is Ann." He pointed to the person standing next to him.
Jazz gasped. A moment later Seth realized why he recognized the frog faced guy. He looked almost exactly like the troll they had ran into earlier. Seth eyed him, hoping his Jonas would keep to themselves.
Regaining his composure, Seth offered his hand, which thankfully was in a glove, to Tank, then Ann.
"It's nice to meet your Mr. Tank and Mr. Ann..." Before he could finish, Ann stepped over to Jazz.
"Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet."
Jazz inched away, disturbed by the horrible line. Ann stepped closer.
"Hey baby, you must be a light switch, 'cuz every time I see you, you turn me on!"
Seth stepped protectively in front of Jazz.
"Young man, I don't think you should be talking to her like that."
Ann ignored him and bent down, taking off her shoes.
"What are you doing?" Jazz asked.
"Taking off my shoes."
"Why?"
"So I can take off my pants."
Seth's eyes widened in horror. He did the first thing he thought of.
"Devin! Sic her!"
Devin came skipping towards them, then leaped like a ninja ballerina onto Ann, who was just about to pull down his/her pants. Erin, Aubrey, Clare, Ari, and Bekki came rushing over. Helen was about to come help when her furry friend pulled her back and they resumed their lustful groping.
"Perverts!" Erin screamed at the froggy duo. Bekki and Ari looked at Erin.
"What did we do?" asked Ari. Erin sighed.
"I was talking to the facially challenged people."
With a flick of her wand, Clare had Tank and Ann tied up. She flicked the wand again.
"Liars, liars, these two be
A little help, so thinks me
Let truth come
pervertedness be done
Before I whack them with Bruce Lee!"
Erin stepped forward. "Were you the ones who messed with the love spell?"
Ann smirked. "That was me."
"And why would you do that?"
"Psh, the spell went wrong. It was suppose to make everyone who drank the apple juice fall madly in love with me. Instead, they all started spouting pick-up lines. Usually I wouldn't mind this, but they weren't all directed at me."
Clare leapt forward and started to strangle Ann. "Betch! You ruined my jiggly paradise!"
Ann laughed and there was a flash of smoke. Both her and Tank were set free from the ropes. She muttered something under her breath and all hell broke loose. Tank, the frog boy, started to strip tease in front of a horrified Clare. Helen found out her chipmunk lover was, in fact, female. Aubrey ran up to the poor harassed woman.
"I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?"
Devin stroked Erin's hoof.
"Do you live on a chicken farm?"
"No," replied Erin, blushing and confused.
"Really? I'm surprised. You really know how to raise co..." he was interrupted when Seth covered his mouth.
Ann tried to give Ari a lap dance, and Ari pushed her. "Oh hell no, mister!"
Ann smirked, approaching her. It was obvious she planned to take Ari by force. Ari returned her smirk with a sharp kick to Ann's nuts.
Tank was about to take off his pants. The horrified fellowship would not be able to stop him. They knew the singing Jonas would soon come and devour them all.
Suddenly, there was a flash and a cloud of sparkles enveloped them. Most of them coughed after inhaling the sparkles. Seth squeed and batted at the glitter. As the glitter settled, a form emerged from it. A girl who was quite tall stood in front of them. She had long wavy brown hair and a stripey hat on. Seth pounced her.
"Karikins!"
Kari giggled.
"Ah, Kari!" exclaimed Erin. "My dearest sparkle fairy! It's me, Erin." Erin then looked from Seth back to Kari. "You two know each other?"
Kari smiled.
"Yep, Seth is my brother."
All the fairies stood, shocked as Seth scruffled his little sister's hair. Kari flailed, trying to get Seth to stop, then turned to Erin.
"I just got back to Mega Glompia after studying all around the world."
Seth looked around.
"Where's Tank and Ann?"
"Oh, you mean the frog faced guy and the he/she? I think I saw them crawling out of here. The he/she seemed to be clutching his ouchie place."
Erin sighed. Jazz smiled and hugged her old friend.
"Oh, did you happen to learn how one can go about turning a supreme fairy godmother back into herself if she's been turned into a goat?" she asked. Kari looked at her friend, shocked.
"Yeah, that stuff is easy. All you need is a kiss."
"You mean true love's first kiss?"
Kari stroked her invisible beard, just like her father did.
"I'm not sure."
Devin ran for his goaty mistress, ready to lock lips with her when Aubrey pushed him out of the way.
"No, if anyone gets to kiss her it should be me!"
"Never!" cried Devin. "I shall kiss her!"
Bekki sighed and pushed them both out of the way, rested her hands on the sides of Erin's goaty muzzle, and pressed her lip's against the goat's. There was a huge "poof" and instead of a goat, there stood a young, blonde fairy. She looked in a mirror, then turned to Bekki.
"What the hell? Your kiss turned me back into my 18 year-old self. I can feel myself slowly becoming less mature and... hey, is that apple juice?"
Kari made sure to lift the dreaded Ann curse from the apple juice before anyone began to drink anymore of it. They sat around a table laughing. Without being noticed by anyone except Seth, Jazz slipped out of the bar. Seth sat around with the fellowship for a few moments before following her. He opened the door and walked out, feeling the cold breeze of night caress his skin. He looked around and saw Jazz, sitting on a bench overlooking the pond. He walked quietly over to it and sat down next to her. She looked at him and smiled, then looked back over the water.
"Quite a day," she said, smiling. The prince smiled too.
"Pretty disturbing."
Jazz laughed. "Definitely."
Seth smiled and looked at her. "Hey, would you mind if I called you 'Kitty'?"
She looked at him, bewildered. "Why ever would you call me that?"
The prince shrugged. "You remind me of a kitten."
She raised an eyebrow.
"Because I'm small, have poofy hair, and have a tendency to walk into walls?" She laughed. He laughed too.
"Well that's all true, but I was thinking more because you're adorable, silly, and I can't help but want to hold you."
Jazz blushed, "That's just the spell talking."
Seth nodded, "Hey, I never got to use my pick up line on you."
Jazz laughed. "If you say something like 'Hey, I'm looking for treasure, can I look around your chest?' I may have to kill you."
"Wow, Apocalypse Kitty!" He laughed. "I was actually thinking something along the lines of "Hey, do you have that Hawaiian disease? I think it's called 'Comeoniwannalayya'." They both laughed. Seth couldn't help but steal another glance at her. She was so beautiful when she laughed. He inched a little closer to her and she looked at him. He stared into her eyes.
"Can I ask you one single, impulsive question?"
Jazz nodded.
"Are you in love at the present moment? I'm not the type of person to impede on another person's happiness, but if the answer is 'No,' please let me continue."
Her eyes beckoned him to go ahead.
"Has anybody ever told you that you glide?" he asked, looking at the bridge. She looked at him, curiously.
"What?"
"It's a very special quality. Most people simply plod along all their life, but not you, you glide. Girls who glide need guys who make them thump."
"Thump? That just sounds wrong."
He smiled at her. "You think about him, you can't eat, you can't sleep, you wait at the window so you can greet him the moment he comes home. Girls who glide need men who make them 'thump.'" He slowly lifted his hand and brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Let me be that man for you."
Kitty's face turned scarlet. She leaned in close to him. Her lips were almost touching his when she remembered. She sighed.
"The love spell... none of this is real."
Seth just looked at her for a moment, then looked back over the pond. She got up and made her way back to the bar. As her hand fell onto the doorknob, a hand enveloped hers. The hand was bigger than hers, and warm. She felt soft lips press gently against her cheek.
"I don't know if this is just the spell. Perhaps this feeling will vanish the moment we leave town. There are many things I don't know, but I do know this. In all my life I've never felt like this. I've never wanted anything more than this. I can't stop thinking about you. If I lose this feeling, it'll be as if I were leaving a world of coloor to one of monochrome. What's happening here is incomprehensible, but the way I feel about you right now is incomparable to the way anyone has or ever will feel about anyone else. This feeling inside me right now... this is total, unrivalled, unconditional, and absolute love."
"And what if it's illusion?"
Seth sighed and opened the bar door. He stepped in, then turned to her. "And what if it isn't?"
He held the door open for her. Slowly, she walked inside, then turned towards him. "You know, for a guy who's suppose to be a complete idiot... well, you're not."
Seth smirked and closed the bar door behind them.