Sometimes Things Do Change
Chapter 4: The Decisions We Make
Harry felt awful. His guilt was eating away at him, slowly carving him out from the inside. Soon he would be nothing but a hallow, empty, Harry shell. At least then he wouldn't have to live with this burden.
Harry still had not told Ginny that he wanted to break up. He knew as soon as he held the other boy, he wasn't going to be able to continue with Ginny. It had only been a few days, but every second left Harry feeling worse and worse.
He knew he had to break it off with her, but he didn't know how. He thought telling her there was someone else, but what if she asked who. What could he say. ' Well, you see the thing is I don't know his name, what he looks likes, or anything about who he is, really." He could imagine the look on Ginny's face. And he wouldn't blame her.
Harry didn't want to hurt her. Perhaps he should just tell her they've grown apart. It was sort of true. He didn't have to say it was because someone else got in the middle of them.
' You're just stalling'. His little voice told him ' Just find her, and do it, quick like ripping off a band aide' .
" Right, Just do it" Harry said out loud, standing up ready to do just that. He was hoping he could convince himself it was the right thing to do. But he only managed to hesitate for a moment, then sat back down on his bed.
He still had doubts. For one, he didn't even know this boy. What kind of relationship could they have if the boy didn't feel comfortable showing his face. He had a good relationship with Ginny. Was he ready to throw it away for his phantom admirer?
It would be stupid to break it off with Ginny. He should hold off until he knew where the relationship with boy was going. But again it wasn't right to Ginny. Harry was saved from going around the vicious circle his thought were taking him, by Ron.
He came to Harry with the an offer he couldn't refuse, a game of Quidditch. Harry gladly took the distraction. He grabbed his broom and raced to the pitch with Ron, forgetting his worries. At least for a while.
--
Quidditch let Harry relax and forget about the world for a good three hours. But know that he was sandwiched between Ron and Ginny at the Gryffindor table, not touching the pile of food on his plate, everything came rushing back.
He felt a wave of disgust as Ginny slipped her hand into his, and he found himself comparing it to his phantom's. It must have shown on his face because he once again found his friends worried faces staring at him.
" You alright, Harry?" Ginny said, rubbing small circles on his back. But that only reminded Harry of the boy's touch even more. He felt trapped. He couldn't breath. He was suffocating. He needed to get out.
" I don't feel so well. I think I'll go for a walk. Get some air or something". He said standing, already feeling better now that Ginny's hand was no longer on his back. It was like a weight had been lifted off his shoulder.
" You want me to go with you?" Ginny asked with a look on her face that showed how much she didn't really want to. Harry briefly wondered why she even bothered asking at all.
' Because that's what a good girlfriend does.' His little voice supplied.
" No, that's all right. You stay here and finish you're dinner. I'll see you later in the common room." He leaned down and kissed her head, out of habit mostly. He felt relived when she smiled and turned back to her dinner. He said his good byes to Ron and Hermione then continued out of the Hall.
Harry walked around the castle wishing desperately he had some kind of distraction. The last thing he wanted right now was to be alone with his thoughts. What he needed was to have a few seconds when he didn't have to think about anything, like when he was flying.
But it was too dark to go on the pitch now. And the only other time Harry ever felt like that was when he was with his phantom. Harry sighed remembering the feelings the phantom's touches brought him.
" No," Harry said firmly out loud, hoping it would make his brain listen better. He was determined not think about it.
" No?" Harry heard some one question right in his ear. He was surprised. He didn't even notice there was another person behind him. But Harry knew that voice. He held back a shiver.
" What kind of an answer is that? You haven't even heard the question, yet." The voice continued playfully. Harry could feel every breath glide over his skin.
Then suddenly two hands snaked around his waist and a chest pressed into his back. Harry couldn't help but lean into the arms. He couldn't figure out what it was about this boy that made him give in.
" Careful. There's plenty of light out here." Harry said, trying to gain some control.
Maybe the threat of exposing the boy's identity would scare him. But it was an empty threat. Harry wasn't planning on turning around.
" Don't care," came the reply, as the arms around him tightened. " I hate when she touches you."
Harry knew the reminder of Ginny should have been enough to make him pull away, he knew that those words should not have sent a shiver through him, but he sighed and put his hand over the one that rested on his stomach, anyway. He noticed how the pale hand stood out in contrast to his tanned one.
" Close your eyes." Harry did it with out even thinking. He was ready for anything now. He wasn't going to fight.
" Are they closed?" Harry nodded once, swallowing.
The boy spun him around so they were face to face, Harry held his eyes shut tight. He could feel the boy exhale and thrill shot through him at the knowledge that the boy's face was less then an inch from his. The boy leaned in and Harry held his breathe. His heart was beating quickly and adrenalin was coursing through his veins.
" Merlin, you're beautiful." The boys words ghosted over Harry's lips.
" Can I kiss you, Harry?"
Instead of answering Harry smashed their lips togther. Someone moaned at the contact. The boys lips move over Harry's hungrily, as Harry kissed back with equal enthusiasm.
The boy's hands went to Harry's hair as he deepened the kiss. Harry felt the boys tongue on his lips asking for an entrance. He granted it, opening his mouth, as a deep moan escaped. Their tongues battled as neither boy was willing to give in.
The phantom's hands kept tugging Harry's hair pulling his face closer, making Harry aware he was own hands were hanging at his side. He moved them up just as they had to pull back for air. So they rested on the boys shoulder. Their foreheads were pressed against each others.
" You're amazing" the boy whispered.
Truth be told, Harry felt amazing. Never had anyone made him feel so alive, so real. It was a natural high Harry didn't know how he'd survived with out it this long. He was more aware of everything around him. It was intense.
The fact that they were in the open where someone could walk by and see only heightened the experience. Harry couldn't control himself.
He used his leverage on the boys shoulders to shove the boy backwards. He was satisfied when the boy hit the wall with a thud. Harry heard the boy grunt, but it didn't stop his next move.
He grabbed the boys hips roughly and pulled him forward. Harry let out a groan as their erections came into contact. The boy moaned and Harry felt the sound go straight through him.
Harry repeated the action only this time he twisted his hips, slightly. He used all his weight and ground slowly into the boy in front of him making sure he could feel every bit of the movement. He was rewarded with another groan as the boy gripped Harry hips for balance.
" Fuck... Potter" the phantom said roughly.
Harry's blood ran cold as soon as those words made it to his ears. He stopped moving.
Harry was fighting the bile he felt rise in his throat. " No" he thought " It can't be. I'm just overreacting". But he couldn't deny there was something in the boy's voice he recognized. Harry didn't want to, but he knew he had to say something.
" Say that again." Harry's voice was barley above a whisper. He was so afraid of what he would hear.
" No." was the firm reply.
Harry feared the worse. He entertained the idea of opening his eyes, but thought better of it. He pulled back, getting ready to tell the boy to stay away from him before he left, but the boy gripped his shoulders and held tight.
" Harry, I...just, wait. Please," the boy asked, but Harry wanted to run. He wanted as far away from here as possible. He couldn't believe it. He didn't want to know, but everything made sense now. The boy's family, why he wanted to hide, the letter, god, even his favorite color. Harry felt nauseous.
" No. I can't. I have to go." Harry struggled to get away. Everything was crashing down around him.
A hand touched his face. It was the same gentle touch as before, but this time it made Harry cringe. He couldn't get over the fact it was Malfoy touching him. The hand's grasp increased in strength, pulling Harry's face towards it's owner.
" Open your eyes". Harry nearly laughed. It was all so crazy. That was the last thing he wanted to do right now. He refused, shaking his head as much as the hand would allow.
" Open. Your. Eyes." The tone wasn't harsh, but it wasn't gentle. Harry got the feeling the boy was holding back a lot of anger.
All he wanted to do was crawl into bed and forget this ever happened. He certainly didn't want to stand here and have a conversation about it. But it looked as if he didn't have a choice.
" Fine." Harry said. A split second later his eyes flew open.
Harry's eyes immediately locked with the boy 's , and in spite of his earlier suspicions Harry was still surprised to find Malfoy staring back at him.
He looked straight at Harry, giving him the impression he was looking into his soul. Harry wanted to look away from the intense gaze, but he couldn't.
Malfoy looked so different then when Harry normally saw him. His hair was messed up and his lips were swollen in evidence of their previous activities. He looked like a normal boy who was just properly snogged.
But he's not that boy. He's the boy who's been making your life hell for the past few years. The boy who insults all your friends, who makes it a point to draw attention to your flaws." His little voice, always ready, reminded him. The boy Harry had come to know wasn't real.
Harry felt betrayed. It was stupid of him not to see it before. He thought about the way he acted and nearly died of embarrassment. God, Malfoy must think he's such a git.
" Let me go. Now" Harry said, willing to fight Malfoy off him if it came down to it. But Malfoy must have sensed Harry's seriousness, because he gave Harry a little nod , and then let go.
Harry scowled at Malfoy then turned and walked down the Hall.
" Har... Potter, you can't just walk away from this." Malfoy said following him down the hall.
" Really? Because it looks like, that's exactly what I'm doing." Harry said, speeding up.
" I did notice that. What I meant was, I'm not just going to go away. Your feelings aren't going to go away. No matter how fast you walk." Malfoy said easily keeping pace with Harry.
Harry suddenly stopped and turned. His eyes set in determination. He glared at Malfoy.
"Let me make this perfectly clear, right now. There are NO feelings. None. I don't like you. And you don't like me. I don't want you talking to me. I don't even want to see you around, anymore."
Harry's was breathing was increasing as he got more upset. He swore he saw a flash of hurt on Malfoy's face, but it was gone as quick as it appeared. There was no mistake about the Anger, though.
" Who are you to tell me what I can and can't do. Contrary to what you think Potter, not every one hangs on your every word, ready to do as you say." The words were angry and rushed.
" And you can't tell me there are no feelings. If I recall you were the one who pushed me against the wall."
Harry flushed red, a sight Malfoy found very attractive, and suddenly avoided Malfoy's gaze. Malfoy stepped closer to Harry, silently happy he didn't step back and spoke more quietly.
" I know this will take some adjusting to. But... I meant everything I said to you. I've changed and I'm willing to do what ever it takes to prove it." he took another step towards Harry, trying to catch his eyes, but Harry was looking firmly at the ground.
" I have feelings for you, Harry. I think I might even..," But suddenly Harry didn't want to hear more. He wasn't ready to hear his enemy talking in such a sweet tone or feel how close he was getting. Harry did not want to hear his confessions. Just the thought that Malfoy had feelings for him, disturbed Harry greatly.
So Harry did the only thing he could think of. He turned and ran, And he didn't stop running until he made it safely to the Gryffindor tower. Only once he was inside the portrait did he finally allow himself to rest.
An: ouch! Poor Draco. :( Please Review.