Thank you every one for all the reviews, alerts, and favorites. You all are so very encouraging and I love you all for that. I also want to thank you all for your patience and keeping up with my story even though I take forever to update. I'm actually working on another story too and sad to say I have more chapters written out for that one but I don't want to lag behind so I will finish this one first.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. That's just wishful thinking.
It had been a week since Karin was admitted into squad four's medical facility and she had yet to wake up. Unohana Retsu, the fourth squad's captain, informed every anxious individual in the waiting room that the time it will take for Karin to wake up is unpredictable. It was a matter only Karin could change and it was up to her to open her eyes. She has to fight her own inner battle and will wake when she is ready, as Unohana had said.
There were no physical ailments that Unohana could detect aside from Karin's nosebleed. She concluded that Karin's diagnosis to be psychological. The brain is such a complex thing and Kurotsuchi had volunteered to experiment with Karin but earned a big, fat, and not to mention loud no from both her sibling and husband.
Toushirou had been upset when he found out that it was because Ichigo had touched her which caused the recent, unwanted event but later came to realize that it could not be helped and what happened was now in the past. He had to see to a positive future but optimism was not an easy feat.
Toushirou sat at his desk, paper work untouched, along with a cold cup of tea. He fiddled with his ring as he stared into nothingness. A blanket was laid out next to his desk where Sora peacefully snoozed for her afternoon nap.
Winter was coming to an end and soon spring would bloom. Cherry blossoms would flourish and fall to the floor, blanketing the grass that would soon be green and the birds would come out and sing a tune to be carried through the expected cool breezes that screamed spring. Light mist showers will take the place of snow and the weather would warm up. It will be Sora's second spring, and though she's still young, she will be able to enjoy it more this year. Her awareness was extremely sharp but her ignorance was, of course, that of a child.
Toushirou stood abruptly coming out of his stupor as realization hit. He may not be able to talk to Karin and even if she were to be awake it would still be difficult. Being so close to her yet so far away was extremely frustrating. There were other means of communication, but the question that still lingered was will it work?
"Matsumoto, could you please keep and eye on Sora, I have some business to attend to. I should be back in about an hour."
"Hai taicho." Matsumoto smiled but it wasn't as genuine and she wanted it to be. It was hard to smile sincerely recently, but her chirpy personality helped in these cases.
Toushirou walked to the academy, thinking of all the things he wanted to say, what he wanted her to know. There was so much that she needed to know but decided that little by little would be the best. The last thing he needed was another memory overload and if Karin made it out of this situation alive, risking anymore frying of the brain as Ichigo called it, was not part of his plans in helping her.
He slid her room door open and left his sandals inside next to the door. It was empty and tidy aside from a box of tissue that was placed on the floor. Her blanket was neatly folded and her dresser had nothing on top. It was to be expected since she didn't have much and she definitely didn't have any pictures to remember anyone by. He ran his fingers along her dresser and desk which were relatively dust free. He sat at the edge of her futon and looked around her plain room. It was such a Karin trait to have very little items. She always knew what was important in life and never let superficial items get the best of her.
He sat in the wooden chair and picked a book off the desk. Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. Karin always liked to read and she had all of his books back in the real world. How she was able to get this book in Soul Society was beyond him but by the look of the spine, it had to have been read more than once.
Another book lay on her desk. It was a brown notebook with nothing on the covers so he flipped to the first page and started to read.
What are gods? Or who is God? I am but a lonely soul, stranded and confused with nothing to fall back on. A shinigami. Am I worthy enough to be a god? A death god, but still a god. Is having visions part of my power? If so can I control them? Confusion is an immense thing.
As of today I will be keeping track of my dreams and visions. I believe they mean something and this something must be of great importance if it is all I see.
This is my first entry and I already have so much to say. I have strange visions and dreams and I can't figure them out. They feel so real but they're not. There's nothing I can relate them to and it all seems so jumbled and confusing beyond what I can appropriately comprehend on my own. I know I will figure this out but it has reached the point of frustration and I hope to make sense of it all before I go completely insane.
There were a few smears and what looked like water stains on the page. Toushirou figured the cause of it were from tear drops.
I wish there was someone who could help me. I can't tell anyone because it just seems crazy and they will think I'm crazy. I don't want to end up in a psychiatric ward, especially if I'm sure I'm not as crazy as this may make it seem. I feel alone and so far away from everyone. I want to tell Kenji and I've tried but it's not as easy as it seems. It seems writing is my only outlet for now and I hope to figure this all out before it gets out of hand.
The most significant object of my visions is a man. I don't recall who he is but I've seen him before on the academy grounds. He knew my name even though I never mentioned it. He has an unusual hair color, silver, almost white. Then there are the dreams of people that seem familiar but I can't pinpoint who they are. The dreams are some times vague and other times a little too specific. It's almost as if I am witnessing something about myself that I do not know about. I need to find the key to my problem then maybe I won't feel as frustrated with myself.
In my dreams his name is Toushirou though I don't know for sure since we've never spoken a word to each, aside from him saying my name. My dreams of him had started out innocent but now it's as if we were in love. We're not lovers as far as I know but maybe he is who I need to solve this puzzle that I can't piece together. I don't know his surname and I didn't see his picture in any of the shinigami captain books but the most recent version I came across had been quite old. I know he is a captain because of his haori but I never caught what squad he led. I will keep looking but I am becoming a bit anxious about all of this. I wonder if this happens to other people here in Soul Society.
I hope to graduate from the academy as quickly as possible. The advisors say that I am quite advanced and that I just may be a genius but I know I'm not. I'm not as smart as every one thinks I am, I just feel like I've heard it all before. Everything about this place seems so familiar.
All of the things that go through my mind have lead to my own misunderstanding. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. And though there is much for me to learn academically, I know there is much more that I need to learn about myself.
My heart can't take anymore of this unusual type of torture. When I'm asleep I am free, I feel loved, and not alone. When I open my eyes, reality is the last thing I want to face but I still have my goals in mind. It will fall into place; I just wish it could be sooner.
With the many thoughts I have, I know that there are three goals I must accomplish: get out of this damn academy because I get the feeling an answer is awaiting me within the Gotei 13. Figure out what I'm seeing as far as dreams, visions or anything of the sort. And find this Toushirou.
This was just her first entry and judging by the date, she had been keeping the journal for about a month. It was heart wrenching knowing that Karin thought she might be crazy. She wasn't crazy, she was quite far from it, and the teardrops were so uncharacteristic of her.
If she continued to look for him in any book in the library, she wouldn't find him. Anything less than 100 years old were kept at the research institute and he'd been a captain for no where near that long.
Toushirou skimmed through her journal and learned of her dreams and visions. Most of which were about him but there were a few memories from the human world, memories of her family and friends. What he noticed was there was nothing about Sora. Not a single hint of having or even carrying a child.
A wave of regret washed over him as he realized none of this would have happened if he had let her become a shinigami in the first place. He pinched the bridged of his nose as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He really needed to stop dwelling on the past. It was ironic how he had to focus on the present and future in order to help Karin, but she had to focus on her past in order to make sense of everything that would be held in store for her in her future.
After drowning himself in self pity, Toushirou continued to read all of the things Karin had written. A lot of it made sense to him since he knew her past but there were a few weird dreams she had that had nothing to do with her past life. After reading more and finding out that she couldn't hear the being in her dream, he knew it was her zanpakutou. That was something that she would have to figure out for herself but everything else was there and when she wakes, he could only hope that she still remembered what she wrote down and maybe even more since it was Ichigo's touch that put her in her current state.
Karin had already used half of the notebook, filled with her journal entries, thoughts, dreams, and visions. There were some places with tear drop stains and there were some pages that were much wrinkled. He would assume the cause of that was her anger or frustration, nearly wanting to tear the page out but refrained at the last minute. He felt like he still knew her so well, maybe even more now from reading her journal. He could feel her struggles and fears, her frustration and anger, and her ignorance. Introducing Karin to her own daughter would be interesting and difficult.
Sora's feelings will be something of concern as well. She was getting older every day and with that came her growth in feelings and intelligence. What if she is much too old to easily take Karin in as her mother? Would she hate her? Love her? Be extremely wary of her? He didn't want to cause her confusion at such a young age. Much of the decision making will be made by him and he didn't want to make the wrong one as he felt he had done in the past.
The last page was written the day Ichigo and Rukia went to see her. She must have been writing while they were there since it was about them. She wrote down their names and described their appearances. She underlined Kurosaki and there was a question mark next to the word research which was written beside their names. She had also mentioned how they were acting strange and seemed a bit nervous in her presence. At the bottom of the page written much larger than everything else was one word underlined three times, memories.
Toushirou felt a little more at peace after reading all of the things Karin had written but some of her thoughts were still troubling him. He knew where his next destination would be before returning to tenth squad and Sora.
There was no one in Karin's room when Toushirou arrived. Perfect.
Ever since Ichigo and Rukia went back to the human world with the latest update on Karin, her room has been less crowded. Visitors would come and go, leaving her flowers or just to say hello. People he knew such as Abarai, Madarame, and Ayasegawa, and those he didn't know such as Kenji.
He visited everyday, holding her hand, caressing her cheek and kissing her forehead. Sora had even been to visit with him but she wouldn't understand quite yet. He told Sora who this woman was and Sora has even called her mommy but he knew that she didn't know how important mommy is.
Toushirou sat in the chair next to Karin and held her hand as he always did. He automatically rubbed his thumb in circles on the top of her hand and looked at her lovingly. He traced her nose with a finger and touched her lips and for the first time in over a year, gently kissed them. They were as soft as he remembered and though she wasn't awake, he still got that fluttery feeling in his chest and stomach from his little act of intimacy.
He just wanted to hold her and kiss her and love her. He wanted to do many things to prove his love to her but he couldn't when she didn't know him and she was unconscious.
"Daddy!" Sora ran to Toushirou as soon as he walked into the office.
He picked her up and gave a wet kiss on her cheek earning him a giggle.
"Were you a good girl?"
Sora nodded.
Toushirou put a finger to her nose and she smiled showing her grown out two front teeth
They went to the garden to watch the sunset and decided to call it a night when it was dark.
Toushirou cooked a warm meal when they arrived home and failed at teaching Sora basic table manners. Though most parents would get frustrated with a messy child, Toushirou embraced it. Seeing Sora with food all over her face and bib put a smile on his face, and he would sometimes laugh at Sora's antics while being fed.
After giving Sora a bath, they spent the remainder of the night playing. Toushirou would roll a ball to her and she would attempt to roll it back. Sometimes she ran after the ball and tried to carry it which was a sight to see since the ball was almost as big as she was. The time Toushirou spent with Sora was treasured as much as the time spent with Karin, maybe even more. He didn't know since he loved them both so very much.
They played until Sora could barely hold her head up or keep her eyes open which meant it was bed time. Sora had already fallen asleep by the time he put her to bed and covered her with a baby pink blanket with stars on them.
After his own shower, Toushirou sat on the futon next to Sora and traced his finger along Sora's arm and face while his other hand brushed through his hair pushing it back. He lay down and thought about Karin's journal as a smile graced his lips before falling into slumber.
"I have interesting news for you Iwao-sama"
"And what would that be?" said a deep, smooth voice.
"Kurosaki Ichigo has returned with news of his sister who is now unconscious."
"And the child?"
"She appears to be healthy…though she is still a baby so she couldn't possibly know what's going on right?"
"The offspring of a Kurosaki and the Heavenly Guardian would be a great treasure and should not be underestimated even at a young age."
"I see Iwao-sama. So when will you engage your plans?"
"Believe me, we have plenty of time." Iwao voiced followed by his deep laugh.
Sorry if this chapter seemed a little boring but I think it's important for Toushirou to understand Karin a little bit and I know everyone's anxious for a little more HitsuKarin fluff…even I'm anxious (wink wink) but it will come I promise that. Anyways, enough rambling for tonight, or day depending on where exactly you live.
-Hoshi is now outtie