-1Author's Note: I meant to get this chapter out last night, but yesterday was a really stressful day for me, so I ended up just collapsing in my bed after work. Sorry about that. Anyway- once again, I love you all for reading and reviewing. I'm still so overwhelmed by the response this story is getting. It warms my heart. For those asking, yes this is Dasey and yes, I am a happy ending kind of writer, it will just take them awhile to get there.

This is not a happy chapter. Seriously, it is bleak and depressing and angst filled. Casey is in a very low place. Very low. Just a warning.

Disclaimer: If I owned life With Derek Casey and Derek would have hooked up long ago and there would be no Kendra. But sadly, I'm just a fan.

Casey's hands trembled as she opened Derek's letter on Monday afternoon. She'd been afraid he wouldn't respond at all, and now that he had she was afraid his response would be angry, and remind her that it was almost entirely her fault that they didn't speak anymore. She took a deep breath and pulled the paper out of the envelope. A post-it note. She smiled slightly and turned it over to read the words in Derek's familiar handwriting:

"I'm engaged to a woman that one of my best friends has never met. Cleary I need to see this friend more often. I'm hoping she'll come to dinner next Saturday and meet my fiancé."

Her eyes filled with tears. He'd echoed her and said she was one of his best friends, and he'd invited her to dinner. She smiled. Dinner would be almost unbearablely awkward, but she'd go of course. She considered his inviting her as a sign that maybe, some day, they could get back a little piece of what they had. A little piece of the relationship she'd destroyed five years ago, in the most self destructive action of her life.

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Her mother hadn't even made it through the surgery. The doctors had come back an hour and half later, and Derek had to run to find her on the hospital grounds. They'd said they were very sorry, but there was nothing they could do.

Casey had no real memories of the next few days. She had little snap shots, brief moments, but there were a lot of blanks. There were things she simply didn't remember, like getting home from the hospital that night, or getting dressed for the viewing or the funeral mass itself. If she closed her eyes she saw little things, Marti clinging to George's leg, looking much younger than her ten years, her hair falling out of its ponytail, and George too overwhelmed to fix it. She could see Lizzie and Edwin on a bench, possibly in the funeral parlor, just holding onto to one another, Edwin stroking Lizzie's hair while she cried. She could see Derek, his eyes haunted, making small talk with extended family, trying to be strong for everyone. She remembered Emily coming, at a loss for words, and just sitting with her hand on Casey's shoulder for awhile. She remembered Sam pulling her into a long hug, and then speaking with Derek in hushed tones. She remember Vicki whispering how sorry she was, and she could see the faces of other relatives, a blur of sympathetic faces saying how sorry for her loss they were.

She knew she had boarded herself up in her apartment afterwards. She stopped going to class, but while she' d never been sure, she suspected Derek had talked to her professors for her and explained about her mother's death. When she did go back eventually, they didn't penalize her for what she' d missed. She lost all sense of time, but she thought it had been about two weeks when Derek tried to make her talk tried to make her leave her room, and she ruined everything. He'd shown himself in like he'd been doing all along to make sure she was eating, but this time he didn't leave right away.

"Casey, you have got to leave this room, you have classes to go to, a life to lead" Derek said, coming to sit on her bed.

"Go away Derek." she said. She didn't want to talk to anyone; she didn't want to do anything.

"This isn't healthy, you have to go face the world again," he said gently.

"Don't want to." she muttered.

"Come on Case, you can't lie in this bed forever and you know it." he said. She sat up and looked at him.

"No what I can't do is have you pity me, I don't need it." She said, suddenly irrationally angry at him. She hated him for being so calm, she hated how she'd let him be strong for her. She hated how he was in control when she felt she'd had lost control of everything.

"That's not fair. I'm not pitying you; this is really hard for me too. I loved Nora, you know that." He said sadly.

"Yes," Casey said acidly, "We loved her so much we kept a huge part of our lives hidden from her for years."

"She would have understood." he said, "in fact I think she suspected all along."

"Oh. Ok then." she said, "I have an idea, let's remember her by telling everyone. I'll call George right now, so he can give you a disgusted lecture."

"Stop it Casey. Don't do this." He said.

"Do what?" she asked

"Push me away. It won't work. You can take your anger out on me all you want, I'm not going anywhere." he said. This infuriated her more. He saw right through her, he understood her, and she couldn't stand it.

"Don't be so cocky Derek; I think maybe we should tell everyone. I'm going to make a flyer and stick it all over campus, 'Derek Venturi and Casey Macdonald are step -siblings' and then everyone will judge us and the pressure will be so intense, we'll crack and break up!" she said, laughing crazily.

"That doesn't even make sense. Do you hear yourself? That's crazy. I'm worried about you." he said, looking a little alarmed.

"I'm so tired, will you please, just go away and leave me alone. I just want to be alone" she said with a long sigh.

"I think you need company right now." he said seriously.

"I don't need you." she said meanly.

"Excuse me?" he asked, and she felt a sick thrill at the hurt on his face.

"I don't need you and your good advice." she said, and then she went on hoping to hurt him more, she just wanted him gone, she wanted him to hurt as much as she did, so she said, "I need to sleep, and then maybe I need to go get drunk. I need to go out right? That's how people deal with shit like this; I'll go out flirt with guys that aren't you. Maybe fuck some of them." he winced at this, and again she felt that sick thrill, "Yes, self-destructive behavior, sounds like fun. Maybe I'll buy some drugs too, get high numb my pain." She finished, and again laughed crazily.

"STOP." he said forcefully, "I already told you that I'm not going to let you push me away."

"Push you away?" she echoed and laughed bitterly, "I'm not pushing you away Derek. I'm breaking up with you." she said.

"You don't mean that." he said, but his eyes looked scared.

"Yes I do." she said

"Bullshit!" he said.

"Fine Derek, you don't believe me?" she stood up and walked to her desk and grabbed a post -it and scribbled on it furiously, "I'll say it in a language I know you'll understand!" she spat and thrust the note in his face:

"I don't want to be with you anymore. We're done."

"You know what Casey?" he said now furious. She felt triumphant, she'd gotten to him, "I'm not just going to stand here and take this like I'm saint Derek, patron of men dealing with women having nervous break downs!" he yelled, standing up from her bed.

"No one is asking you to. Go Derek. Just leave!" she said pointing towards her door.

"Fine! You want me gone? I'm gone. Call me when you're done being a crazy bitch!" he said.

"I wouldn't hold your breath for that call." she said. He shot her one last look of disbelief, then left her room and walked out the front door of her apartment, slamming it shut.

As soon as she heard the door slam, she slid down her wall and wept. She regretted it instantly. She was alone now. Her mother was gone, and now she'd chased Derek away.

He called several times over the next few weeks, but she never picked up the phone, and she never called him back. She was convinced she deserved to be alone.

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Casey swept an angry hand across her face to stop the tears that where rolling down her cheeks. It was the lowest moment in her entire life, and it had cost her more than she'd ever admit to herself, even now, years later.

End Chapter. Yeah. I told you it was bleak. Sorry