A/N: Domo arigato for the reviews everyone! Here's a new chapter for everyone! I hope you enjoy reading it. And ah, there's a slight Kyo/Kao scene below, just telling you firsthand. And oh, I want to apologise for my ranting of words in the previous chapter. Ehe.

A, by the way, is anyone here familiar with SWITCH manga/OVA? If yes, please tell me, and tell me if you like or dislike the OVA/manga. Coz I love it so much and I am so hooked with it, and I was thinking to write a fanfic about it in the future. But I'm still hesitant if someone would ever come to read it.

Thanks to my beta! NefertariNami!

Disclaimer: Do I need to repost this again? Of course I don't own this anime. Do you?

Kaoru's Notes

Chapter Seven

My head was aching, and was constantly in pain. I felt sore all over my body. My left arm was stinging and I felt like the bones on my elbow were misaligned; my fingers were hurting as if sharp needles were piercing me terribly. I could hear that my own breathing was making unfamiliar noises inside me, my chest was heaving abnormally, and I felt a tightening inside. I was in so much pain.

I felt so weak and I was horrified when I tasted my own blood.

I heard voices and they were having a conversation that was turning into something like argument. One voice sounded stern and demanding, and his voice was somehow as cold as ice… I knew that voice. He was familiar to me. The other one sounded apologetic and troubled, but on the contrary his tone remained very professional.

I tried to open my eyes but they were heavy. I cleared my throat and started to call his name, but I found it was dry and rough and it hurt to speak. I opened my mouth, but I coughed terribly and suddenlu I felt my chest was tight and damn it was difficult to breathe. I coughed and when I did my chest was tight.

Hikaru… I hate myself for wanting to see him so badly even though my body feels so excruciatingly painful. Hikaru… I hate myself for wanting his warmth on my skin even though I'm sore all over. Hikaru. I don't understand myself anymore. I want to die and yet here I am… Almost dying, yet I'm still craving to see him. I'm in pain and Hikaru was the cause of it all, yet still, I want to hear his voice say, "It's alright."

And then I felt like I was spinning round and round. Afterward I remember feeling that someone cupped my chin and forcibly opened my mouth. I felt something inside my mouth and it was cold. I was thankful when it helped to ease the difficulty in my breathing, and then my chest didn't hurt much anymore. The next thing I knew, everything went black once again.

~_~

As I opened my eyes the plain white ceiling was the first thing I saw. I blinked constantly, then realized that everything around me was white.

My head didn't hurt much, unlike before, but it still stung slightly, and I felt numb at other parts of my body.

I was surprised when I felt something above me, and noticed that a bandage was wrapped around my head for obvious reasons. I moved my hands to support me because I want to sit up, but I was shocked when I realized my right arm was in a bandage and it hung on my left shoulder.

My chest wasn't as tight as it was before but I still coughed. Then, I heard someone fell onto the floor, and when I looked down at my side I found that it was Kyoya-senpai. I must have startled him when I coughed.

He flared his eyes for a moment then he stood up quickly. "You're awake." His face was filled with extreme concern as he came close to me and sat on the chair beside my bed.

"Kyoya-senpai? What am I doing here? And…what happened to me?" I said as I sat up although my body ached a lot.

"You shouldn't force yourself, Kaoru! Please just lay on bed." He exclaimed as he assisted me to lay back, but I gave him a reassuring smile, so he just let me take a sitting position.

"Where am I, senpai?" I asked. I felt pain all over now except for my right arm.

"You're in my house, Kaoru. You were beaten up last night by some drunkards. God Kaoru- if I didn't happen to drive in that area you could have been killed." he said with a heaving of his chest.

Ootori Mansion? I'm at Kyoya-senpai's…house. "It had been a long time, Senpai. Thanks for saving me." I said as I stared at him. Although what I wanted to say was that, "You shouldn't have saved me. I'd be happier if I died last night." But how could I say it now? I'd be just troubling Senpai, despite his kindness.

I was surprised as to how senpai's appearance has changed. He looked more manly and mature now. His raven hair had grown inches long, but he used gel to settle them neatly, and he didn't have bangs anymore. He was still using glasses but they made him look more professional... And handsome.

He's twenty-six now if I remembered it clearly. Perhaps twenty-seven.

"You don't have to call me Senpai, Kaoru. We're not high school students anymore, besides, I believe I gained the reward that you must omit that title." he said pushing up his glasses. It was a normal habit of Kyoya every time he feels unease.

I smiled for a moment, "Yeah, we're not in high school anymore." But pain infiltrated my chest, so I was silent right after. I remembered Hikaru. And of the event that occurred last night.

"How are you feeling now, Kaoru?" Kyoya asked as he leaned closer to me.

"I-I'm a little bit okay, Kyoya. But my right arm, I can't feel anything, it's numb." I said as I looked down to my plastered arm.

"The doctor injected you with some anesthesia since he needed to construct surgery to clean up your wounds. The anesthesia might still have effect on some parts of your body. Especially on your right arm and fingers, and oh god Kaoru," he said with condoles and I flinched when he caressed my right cheek, "Did you know you have an asthma?"

I was stunned.

Asthma? I have asthma? How come, since when, what, why didn't I know that myself? I felt my eyes widen for a moment, and to think of it, there had been some occasions and days that I felt like my chest was tight and heaving. There were times I had difficulty in breathing. It would make sense that I had asthma, wouldn't it…

I bowed down in woe as I shook my head, my ruffled bangs covering my eyes, "I didn't know." I was too busy thinking about Hikaru too much. He was my only priority. I didn't have time for myself, not even to notice that I had asthma. It's been a long time since my last visit at hospital for check-ups, too. I was so blinded with love that I didn't care much about my health.

"I see. It's not to worry anyway as long as you always bring inhaler with you." Kyoya said as he combed my bangs out of eyes. I just nodded in reply.

For mere seconds however, I was startled at the sudden remembrance, and I snapped hastily to break the silence, "Kyoya! Hikaru- did you call him? What day is it today? Don't tell me I slept too much?"

He was surprised and I saw his eyes narrow for seconds, but then he smiled at me. I knew it was fake though, "Relax Kaoru. One night without Hikaru by your side isn't quite much a hitch, is it?"

"It's not like that, Kyoya." I said and my voice was so low. I presume that Kyoya was thinking something else about my relationship with Hikaru. But he was thinking too much.

"Oh, don't tell me after all these years Hikaru still didn't know about your feelings for him?" he finally asked, I shouldn't be glad.

"We're brothers Kyoya, and it should remain that way." I lowered my face down. Damn it, it still hurts to admit it.

"I thought you wouldn't mind it. However I'm glad that you chose the right decision, you're brave Kaoru. But if I may conclude, you still have feelings for your brother till now, yes?"

"I can't help it." I answered. Then he went silent for awhile.

"Well," he broke off the awkward stillness. Standing up he went towards the table beside the bed and reached for the phone. "I guess I should call Hikaru, he must be worried now. I didn't call him last night since I was confident that you two were living separately. But actually, you two are still living together, right?"

He dialed and I grabbed his hands, "No Kyoya!"

He looked at me, looking confused, "You're not living together?"

"No, I mean, don't call Hikaru. Just please don't."

"But why?"

"I don't want to see him this time."

"You just don't want him to see your current state, do you?" his voice was hoarse.

"Yes. And I don't feel like seeing his face for real." my voice was shaking and I was afraid that he would notice it. He did.

He sat on my bed beside me and became serious momentarily, "What actually happened last night? Tell me, Kaoru."

I felt my chest was again aching. I guess it's not because of my asthma, but because of the unbearable pain I feel every time I recall his words, "Haruhi and I decided to get married." It hurts like hell. I won't last any longer if it hurts this much.

"Nothing much." I answered but I felt wet drops raining down on my cheeks. "Nothing much." I repeated and my tears won't stop falling. I grasped my chest and tightened my grip there. It hurts like hell.

"Kaoru…just tell me. Don't endure it all alone." I heard him say and his voice was soft and reassuring. I felt his hands caress my wet cheeks and I wasn't able to control myself. I cried loudly. I began crying louder, so I buried my face in my palms. I didn't want Kyoya to see my horrifying face.

"Kaoru." he pulled me into his arms.

"It hurt. I wouldn't be able to endure this pain Kyoya. I hate myself for loving him so much." I cried against his chest.

"Cry out all of your feelings Kaoru. Let it out and get rid of it." I felt his hands gently caressing my hair. He didn't embrace me tightly since he was afraid he'd hurt my arm. Kyoya, despite of his Shadow Prince's reputation, was actually kind and a gentle person.

"He's getting married." I said and I heard my own sobs become horrible. It wasn't me at all. I hate myself for being so weak.

"He is? Haruhi?" he asked and he sounded really shocked. I wonder why since he already knew that they've been dating since high school.

"Yes."

He pulled me out from his arms and then he cupped my wet cheeks. I could see the hope in his eyes behind his glasses, and I wondered why, "Then don't you think it's your chance to let him go, Kaoru?"

I cleared my dry throat and I have to admit- somehow what he said annoyed me. "It means one thing Kyoya. I couldn't stay at his side any longer. Don't you know how much it hurts me?"

"I know Kaoru. I do understand your feelings, I really do." He paused, "But somehow, what you feel isn't normal anymore. You loved him for many years, and now that he's getting married, you need to let him go along with your feelings. You need to accept it because if you don't, you'll end up hurting yourself even more."

"It's hard Kyoya. No matter what I do, I just love him even more." I sobbed. Freaking tears these were.

"If that's the case, then you should tell him and stop his wedding." he sounded irked, but he tried to relax his tone.

"I couldn't. How can I? It hurts but, as long as I see him happy then it's enough."

"You're stupid. Oh damn it, Kaoru. You don't have to suffer everything. Look at me." He cupped my chin so I could face him. His glasses were off, and now my teary eyes were locked to his. "There are many things and people around that you've not yet discovered. Your problem is you overly focus your attention to Hikaru alone. You don't care about anyone or about your feelings because you only care for Hikaru. You always say it's alright as long as Hikaru's happy, but don't you care about yourself? What happened to your own happiness then? You don't have to do all the sacrifices and endurance, Kaoru. Free yourself from that TIGHT link you casted with your twin. It's about time you must let go. You're 25 Kaoru, damn it, you're old enough to decide your own happiness."

Wow. Even if my feelings were tight and that I was crying, I was actually amazed at Kyoya's words. It was the longest thing he's ever said to me; the longest sentences that he'd ever said.

I was glad that he was worried about me. But what he said didn't make sense to me.

"Hikaru is my only happiness. Without him at my side I am nothing, Kyoya." He was right- I am blinded with my love for Hikaru. But I'd promised it long before, if my love for Hikaru was stupid, then I'd become the stupidest younger brother on earth. I'm pathetic, aren't I?

I saw his shoulders drop. There was madness mixed with agony fastened in his eyes. I know it for a fact, if I wasn't in a dangerous state, if my arm wasn't plastered, then for sure Kyoya would yank me onto his bed and punch me on my face and he would say, "Would you fucking WAKE UP KAORU?!"

But Kyoya wasn't Kyoya at all if he lost his control. He was always calm and composed in any situation he was in. I adore him because of that.

"You're really dense, aren't you?" he said. He leaned in closer to me while cupping my chin, and once again, his eyes were locked to mine and I felt awkward all of a sudden, "I was afraid long ago since I know you and Hikaru are inseparable. Back then I wasn't strong enough to convey my feelings, so I first decided to reach my goal in life and that was to surpass my Dad and brothers. But I was confident that we'd meet again, so do you think I'd let you go now that we met again, Kaoru?"

"What are you saying Kyoya?" I asked. He was acting strange all of a sudden.

"God, Kaoru. I'm trying to imply here that since Hikaru decided to get married then you should free yourself from his grip! And try looking towards the others! Start a new life with a new person, damnit, don't just focus to your twin brother who did nothing but cause you pain!"

I was surprised when Kyoya raised his tone. I'd never believe he could lose his control. But I was taken aback. Since what he said was actually right.

I averted my eyes. He was right.

"No, I mean, I'm sorry Kaoru. I didn't mean to yell at you." he apologized and I looked back at him, "You weren't yelling at me, Kyoya. What you said was right anyway."

"Kaoru."

"However, my feelings for Hik—" he cut me off with a sudden kiss, gentle on my lips. I was petrified. Shocked. Then as I felt his tongue seeking for an entrance I was alarmed. I struggled and moved my left arm to push him away, but his other hand grabbed mine and locked them to his.

"K-Kyo—ya, no, Kyoya—stop." I said, but it was a bad move to open my mouth just to make him stop since I did only give him a chance to enter my mouth.

I moaned uncontrollably when his warm and wet tongue collided with my own. I know it wasn't right and I was confused as to why he was kissing me, but damn, Kyoya's a good kisser!

His kiss was gentle at first, but then in a minute he was kissing me hard and wet… It's as if Kyoya had been restraining himself for so long and he just now freed himself from his isolated emotions. I felt blood rushing down below and I admit, Kyoya did a good job in turning me on. It's not that he's my first kiss, Hikaru was, but it was different since I was the one who kissed him during his sleep.

Kyoya was the first person who kissed me intimately like this, and it was a good feeling. His mouth was warm and soft and his tongue was expertly exploring inside my mouth. I gasped for an air. Then I kissed him back.

When I did he suddenly stopped.

He pulled back and freed my left arm, his face was full of terror, as if he did a dreadful thing to me. He stood up covering his mouth, then said as he turned around, "I-Im sorry, Kaoru. I shouldn't be doing that since you're recuperating from pain, I-I lost control."

"Kyoya," I uttered and then he walked towards the door. Before he went out, he said, "I'll call Hikaru. Please rest until he comes."

The last thing I saw was Kyoya's broad shoulders and firm back. Then I traced my lips as I recalled how good Kyoya was at kissing me. I looked down and I was thankful he didn't notice my throbbing erection. Damn it.

~_~

I sat on the bed with my back leaning on the headboard. I could feel pain in my right arm, and now I can tell that the anesthesia's gone. I rarely moved it since it's really painful. Kyoya didn't come back since three hours ago, and I wonder if he did call Hikaru, since if he did, he would be right here in a minute.

The doctor came in just a few minutes ago to check my condition. Now I'm all alone here inside the room. I'm actually getting bored... If only I had my notebook and pen, and if only I could move my hand. And if only Hikaru was here. Then I wouldn't be bored, despite of everything.

And then I remembered. Hikaru isn't mine anymore. How painful it was. If this would continue, I'm certain, I wouldn't be able to endure it.

Then I could hear noises behind the door and it seems as if there's fighting. Someone yelled and I was stunned. "Let me see Kaoru!"

"If you're behaving like this then I wouldn't allow you!"

"Give me the key!"

"No. Damn it, I shouldn't have called you!"

"So you won't give me the key? Damn you!"

"He needs rest, not you. If you're behaving like this you'll just hurt him more."

"He needs what? Huh, I'll show to you what he needs!"

THWACK!

There was a loud bang and the door crashed. I was shocked when it broke and collapsed down onto the floor. I saw Hikaru with his right leg raised in a combat way. I couldn't believe he had kicked the door, and was it even possible to be broken just like that? Or was Hikaru just really strong?

"Kaoru?!" his eyes widened as he saw my condition. Kyoya was behind him, terrified at the sudden crash.

"Hikaru?" I uttered then he ran towards me. He suddenly jumped on the bed and sat beside me as he hugged me tight, not even realizing my right arm was plastered. Perhaps he did but didn't care since he just wanted to embrace me.

"You worried me so much Kaoru. Please don't leave just like that, it had me worried all night." he said, pulling me out from his arms. Then he was appalled. "God, what happened to you?"

Kyoya didn't tell him I presume.

"I told you he needs rest. He was beaten last night by some fucking drunkards. I'm his hero, just in case you want to know." Kyoya said as he stepped inside, nodding his head in disbelief as he stepped over the fallen door.

"I didn't ask you Kyoya." he cupped my chin and I was nervous when he stared at me, "God Kaoru, I'm so sorry I wasn't able to protect you. You just left last night suddenly and I couldn't leave Haruhi. I'm so sorry, it must be painful, I won't allow this to happen ever again." He traced his fingers gently over my plastered arms, the other on my bandaged head.

Haruhi. Now I'm certain… I hate hearing her name.

Especially coming from Hikaru's mouth.

When I stared back at Hikaru, I saw that he really was worried about me, and then I conceded that I couldn't just let myself DIE and leave Hikaru all worried and in despair. I didn't want to leave him after all. I'm stupid. I just love him so much even to the point that I'm killing myself emotionally.

"I'm just alright, Hikaru."

"Oh believe me he wasn't." Kyoya disagreed as he stood beside us.

"Stop saying you're alright even though you aren't." Hikaru said as he stood up, fixing his collar and then he rolled his sleeves up to his elbow. "Let's go home, Kaoru. I'll take good care of you. Thanks Kyoya for saving my brother and for aiding his injuries, but I'll take him now."

"Should I say welcome?" Kyoya rolled his eyes towards his door.

"Tsk. I'll send you the payment later." He said then he bent down to carry me in his arms. I was embarrassed, but I couldn't say NO to him. I just want to remain silent as long as I could since it hurts to make a long conversation with him.

I just wished he wouldn't mention the marriage while I'm still recuperating from my injuries. It would be so painful on my part and I'm afraid that if he did, I'd be tempted to commit suicide.

"Don't you realize it's not a good idea to carry him? It's better to use a wheelchair."

"I'd be more confident if I'm the one to carry him, at least I know he's safe within my arms." He slowly lifted me up with gentleness and carefulness, and without even emitting any complaints he carried me into his arms princess-style. I know he found it difficult to carry me since he's afraid to make any movements that would cause me pain. He was very careful this time as he held me in his arms.

But I didn't want to cause uneasiness for Hikaru. "Hey, you don't need to carry me actually."

"Don't speak Kaoru." He said and I was silent. "We're going now Kyoya, thanks for the hospitality."

"If it's for Kaoru, then I wouldn't mind." I heard Kyoya say and Hikaru gave him a suspicious glare.

"Well then, expect a visit from me." Kyoya added and we were off.

~_~

We rode in a limo and I sat on Hikaru's lap. My head was resting on his chest and his arm was curled around my waist. The other one was gently patting my hair. Even though my body was still aching, I felt safe and relaxed within his arms. It didn't matter if I was hurt… As long as I'm with him, as long as Hikaru's on my side. I admit, I'm really stupid for loving him this much.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru." He kissed my hair and I closed my eyes.

"You don't have to apologize all over again, Hikaru."

"But I feel guilty. If only I'd followed you last night then you wouldn't be hurting like this. I wish to take all of your pain."

You wouldn't bear to take it all. The pain was too much to bear.

"It's alright. It's my fault anyway, I walked instead of riding a car."

"Stop saying that Kaoru. You always take the entire burden although it's supposed to be mine. Damn, I wasn't a good big brother."

You haven't been a brother to me since I see you in a different way. I love you, do you know?

"Hikaru," I said, I didn't want to say it but…for the moment, I couldn't endure it since I feel weak.

"Yes?"

"You're holding me so tight, I can't breathe."

"Oh! I'm sorry, I'm sorry Kaoru!" He apologized as he loosen his hold around my waist, "It's just that I'm afraid to ever let you go."

I closed my eyes once again. I wanted to absorb his words. I love you, do you notice? I wonder how much you love me, too. I was always wondering since you never told me. Ne, Hikaru, if you had to choose between me and Haruhi, who would you pick?

"It's ok." I said.

"Don't worry Kaoru. When we get to the mansion I'll summon the best doctor to aid you. I promise, everything will be alright." He kissed my head.

You're the best doctor I ever had. Your presence is already enough.

There are so many words I wanted to say. But those words remained unspoken till now.

"I love you, Kaoru."

That was the first time he said it to me. If only I had a tape recorder with me- I'd record it. And I'd keep it as my most treasured possession.

"I love you, Hikaru." I always have. But in a different way.

~_~

~Owari~