Author's Note: Thank you for your reviews and for reading so far! I don't know about you, but I'm in a fluffy type of mood. I mean, I keep listening to the song, "Into you" by Arianna Grande. Anyway, enjoy!
Chapter 7: Come Light Me Up
The next morning, I lay in bed deep in thought. Luckily, Quinn was still in the shower preparing for her early classes, which allowed me to continue to dwell on my thoughts. My mind couldn't stop replaying that kiss. I couldn't believe that Britt kissed me. I mean, here I was terrified that she would reject me holding her hand.
"Oh, hey San! I didn't realize you were up." Said a surprised Quinn. She had exited the bathroom clad in a bra and her jeans. "I didn't wake you, did I?" she asked.
"No, I've been up for a while" I admitted as I pulled my phone from under my pillow. I pushed the home button and saw no texts. I didn't expect her to text, but it didn't stop the sad feeling in my gut.
"Really?" She asked, "I swear San, I'll never understand how you like being up this early." She grabbed her blouse from her bed and tugged it over her head.
"You are definitely not a morning person. Quinn your shirts on backwards" I said with a laugh before turning back to my phone.
"You know that staring at your phone isn't going to will a text or phone call, right?" she asked. I could see her watching me through the mirror.
"Really Quinn? That's not creepy at all."
She shrugged, "What's got you so tense this morning?"
I looked away from her. I wanted to tell her, but I wasn't sure how to.
I sighed, "I'm not exactly waiting for a text. I just wish she would text me."
"Who?" she asked, "Britt?"
"Who else do you think?"
"Well San, no offense but she did just spend the entire weekend with us. She's probably just tired." Said Quinn, "Plus you'll see her for your Monday morning Britt and San time. Which we still need to talk about missy! As your best friend, I feel like I should get a day dedicated to us too. How about-..-"
"She kissed me" I interrupted, unable to hold it in any longer. Quinn stopped talking and stared at me in shock.
"On the lips?" She asked
"Yes…what do you mean? Where- actually don't answer that" I laughed. Quinn's mouth was agape. "You know, you'll probably catch flies if you keep your mouth open like that." I joked. Suddenly, a body jumped onto me.
"Oh my god! Finally!" She screeched as she hugged me.
"Quinn! You're going to squish me!" She laughed before moving to a sitting position.
"When, how, wait- when?" asked Quinn curiously.
"Yesterday night." Her hand smacked my arm hard. "Ouch"
"You waited that long to tell me!" She said in between smacks.
"Quinn!" I yelled as she glared.
"Okay. So how?"
"I would think you knew how a kiss starts." I laughed.
"San" she practically growled.
"We were saying bye and making fun of you and Rachel. She just kissed me."
"So.." she drawled. "How did you feel" At this, I smiled brightly.
"It was short, but…wow." I answered slowly.
"So then what's the problem?"
"There's no problem. I'm just so confused." I answered, "Where does this leave us? Does she want to be more then? We didn't really speak after so I'm just…" I stopped there unsure of the word.
Quinn grabbed my hand, "San it's okay to feel all of those things. It's also okay to be worried or nervous. Before you go asking those questions, just make sure you know your answers first. But remember one thing, this means she likes you back." At those words, I felt a large smile form on my face. She looked at her phone, "Crap! I have to go San." She yelped as she jumped off my bed and scrambled to grab her items, throwing them into her bag. "Remember what I said." Once finished, she yelled a bye and ran out the door. I sunk back into my bed and allowed her words to sink in. Britt does like me! We don't need to figure all of this out right now. Baby steps never hurt anyone, right?
A few hours later, I was dressed in my usual jeans, boots, and long sleeved V-neck, finishing up the dishes. Britt's food was still on her plate, uneaten. She hadn't showed yet and I had a sinking feeling that she wasn't going to. My class started in an hour and I knew I would have to leave soon. I tried to suppress my emotions, but the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach was hard to ignore. She must not have wanted to see me this morning because she's never bailed on our mornings together. I cradled my cup of hot coffee closer to me and took a sip. My head was starting to hurt with all of my thoughts. I finished the coffee with one last gulp and stood up slowly. I placed the cup into the sink and stared back at the uneaten sandwich and at the leftover coffee in my brewer. No use letting it go to waste. I walked back to my storage area and ripped a piece of aluminum foil. Once wrapped, I finished the dishes and placed all in my shared locker. With the sandwich in hand and coffee in a mug covered with foil, I went to my room, packed my belongings along with my laptop. Maybe I could make use of my time and go to the library or something. I do have a few papers coming up, it can't hurt to start them now. After a few minutes, I exited my room and allowed my legs to guide me to hers. I tried to focus on the task and not my feelings, just give her the breakfast and go. I stop in front of her door and hesitate. God, I am ridiculous. If she didn't want to see me, aren't I a bit pathetic knocking on her door and giving her the food she chose to skip out on? I tried to keep in mind that this was Brittany though, she wouldn't deliberately hurt me. Maybe she's not feeling good. Come on, you jumped off cliffs and faced your fears, what's one more? Hesitantly, I raised my hand and knocked on the door lightly. If she doesn't answer, I can just go. The door opens quickly revealing a pajama clad Rachel.
"Hey Santana" greeted Rachel.
"Hi Rachel" I responded quickly, "Don't you usually have class Monday's?" I asked.
She laughed, "Yes. Luckily, my professor had marked this day as a vacation day for herself on the syllabus."
"Oh lucky!" I exclaimed.
"Do you want to come in?" she asked.
"Oh no" I said faster than I meant to. "I was just heading out and wanted to give this to Britt. Is she still here?" I asked.
"Of course she is. Her class was canceled so she decided to sleep in." said Rachel In a matter of fact type of voice. I nodded in understanding which earned a suspicious look from Rachel. "She forgot to tell you, didn't she?" asked Rachel shaking her head, "You should just come in Santana."
I shook my head, "I actually wanted to go over some things with Blaine before class, so I'll need to go in early. Could you just give her this?" I asked quickly making up the excuse.
Rachel sighed and then nodded, "If you're sure." I handed her the sandwich and coffee. "Breakfast in bed" muttered Rachel. She muttered a few things, but I couldn't catch them.
"Thanks Rachel! I'll see you later" I said with a quick smile. I walked away as fast as I could, my face turning a darker shade of red than expected.
The train ride was lonelier than expected. I've never ridden to Uni on a Monday alone, this was new. How come she didn't say anything? We always share our Monday mornings together, so if she didn't plan on showing why didn't she just text me so. I arrived to class early and was relieved to see Blaine already seated.
"Hey Blaine" I greeted.
"Santana" he waved. I took my usual spot next to him.
"You look like hell" I laughed as I noted his appearance. His hair was disheveled and his eyes had dark bags underneath.
"Thanks. You sure have a way with words" he groaned sarcastically opening his eyes. "Wow and you actually look the entire opposite." he responded as he looked me over.
"I look the same as usual."
"Your hair looks nice" he shrugged, "You left it curly. It's a nice look on you"
"Aww thanks Blaine" I responded feeling my cheeks burn. I was tired of straightening my hair and it took me like an hour to get my hair to look tamed. He nodded and slunk back into his chair. "You ok?"
He snorted a little and then shook his head, "You know that phrase means 'Whats Up?' here?" I stared at him puzzled. That makes so much sense. People kept asking me that and I always questioned whether I must be walking around looking like a lost puppy or something.
"Wow, how did I miss that?" I laughed, "Well anyway, I'm asking you the American way"
He sighed, "I'm okay. Just haven't been sleeping too much." he responded. Before I could ask why the Professor walked into the classroom.
"Good morning class!" greeted the professor. The class dragged on and I couldn't help but stare at my phone. I just don't get it, she kissed me! Could she be regretting it? Here I was floating this morning and all I wanted to do was text her. Yet, she couldn't be bothered to even try to contact me. Maybe I was sounding needy, I don't know. I just knew that it was nearly noon and she still hadn't bothered to even say hi to me. I rubbed the temples of my head as I started to feel a pressure from all the hurtful thoughts.
"Oh wow, look at the time. If anyone needs a note for your next class, please let me know. Also, don't forget that your papers are due in 2 weeks. I hope you have started them. I will see you Wednesday"
Blaine and I packed our bags and followed the class to the door.
"Have you started?" he asked
"Nope. You?"
"No." he answered causing both of us to laugh.
"I plan to go to the library to start it now actually" I said as we exited the door. Blaine was looking ahead of me and his brows creased before he smiled.
"Are you sure about that?" he asked causing me to follow his line of sight. Immediately I froze in place. A figure was leaning against the windowsill closest to my classroom. As soon as I saw her hair, I knew it was her. She looked absolutely gorgeous as the sunlight from the window was cascading over her, accentuating her long blonde hair that was hung over her shoulders covering her thin jacket. Her beanie covered the top of her hair, but you could see the waviness of her side bang still. Even then, she was wearing her usual jacket and dark jeans with her black booties. Our eyes met and immediately she stood up.
"Well, I'll leave you to it Santana. I'll see you later" Said Blaine. "Bye Brittany" She waved at Blaine, but held my gaze. My heart was racing and my mouth felt dry. What do I say? How do I talk again? As if by magnetic pull, my legs started walking me slowly to her, while she did the same. I tried to mask my emotions and keep a nonchalant expression, but wasn't sure what to do. I gave her a small smile.
"Hey Britt" I finally managed to say. "I thought your morning class was canceled today?" I asked.
"It was" she answered as I looked around unable to meet her gaze any longer. Most of the hallway had emptied by now. "San, I'm so sorry. I hadn't meant to sleep through our morning breakfast. Last night, my professor mass emailed the class that she was canceling class. It was already too late at night for me to message you, so I figured I'd meet you at breakfast still. I hadn't expected to just sleep through my alarm." she said in one quick breath. I bit my lip to stop myself from smiling. She stood there fiddling with her fingers. Was she nervous? Whatever anger or hurt I felt disappeared along with my mask. I put my bag down against the wall.
"Britt, take a breath" I laughed. "It's ok" I said softly before meeting her gaze.
"No it's not San." She said with a serious expression. "I can only imagine what you must be thinking" At this, I rose an eyebrow. Were we going to talk about this now? She's afraid of what I must be thinking?
"Well what should I be thinking?" I asked surprising my own self. I hadn't meant to say that out loud.
Britt opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by another voice.
"Have a good afternoon Ms. Lopez" My Professor said as she walked by us. I waved at her wishing her a good afternoon before turning back to Brittany.
"Sorry about that." I apologized. She nodded, but looked like she was thinking. "I didn't even know she knew my-" Her hands grabbed the front of my jacket and pulled me closer to her until we were only inches apart.
"I hope you're thinking the same thoughts as me" Whispered Britt as she leaned down slowly, almost giving me a chance to pull away if I wanted to. I placed my hands around her waist and closed my eyes before tip toeing slightly. Our lips grazed each others for a moment before I finally leaned in a little more. Her lips were even softer than I remember and they tasted like Strawberries. After a few seconds her hands loosened their hold on my jacket as she pulled away slightly. Our foreheads remained touching as we both stood in the empty hallway. I opened my eyes and was met with her blue ones staring at me intently. With a wave of courage, I looped my arms around her neck and pulled her to me, closing the gap quickly. I could feel her gasp against my lips and her grip completely let go of my jacket. After a second, her hands moved to my waist and pulled our bodies together. She recovered from her surprise fast as I felt her lips responding to me with just as much enthusiasm. A natural disaster could be happening and I swear I wouldn't have noticed. My mind was just on this amazing person who chose to kiss me. It could have been minutes, hours or even days before we finally broke apart, both in need of air. This time we both slowly backed away. To my surprise, her cheeks were the cutest shade of red.
"Wow" she said softly as she opened her eyes. We stared at each other, both smiling.
"Yeah" I responded. My hands were still around her neck, leaving me still close to her. Now that I've felt her lips on mine, it was like a newfound addiction; I just wanted to kiss her all the time. I had to fight the urge to close the gap again. As if in sync, our eyes met and I could almost feel myself being pulled to her lips again. Then a loud ringtone went off. Britt sighed before pecking my lips. She removed me one of her hands from my waist to search for her phone.
"My alarm" she laughed as she showed me her phone. I shook my head as I saw Rachel's picture in the screen. I removed my hands from around her neck so she could answer her phone more comfortably, but before I could step out of her embrace to get my bag, Britt tightened her hold on my waist and pulled me closer. I placed my hands around her waist and hugged her, placing my head in the crook of her neck. She has this sweet aroma that was so Brittany. I wonder what perfume she used or if that was her natural aroma; I wouldn't be surprised if it was. I couldn't help but feel safe.
"Hey Rach" answered Britt. After a few seconds, she loosened her hold on me. That's when I noticed the straps on her shoulder. How did I not notice this? Her shoulders must be so sore by now. I moved slowly out of her embrace and tap her shoulder. She scrunched her eyes as she listened to Rachel talk and turned to me. "Yes, I am with her now." Britt responded exasperated. I couldn't understand what Rachel was saying but I could hear her loud voice from where I was. She raised an eyebrow at me as I gestured to her bag. She had a curious expression on her face as I tugged at her bag. Finally nodding in understanding, she moved her shoulders, giving me better access to her bag. I removed it and placed it against the windowsill, grabbing my own in the process and placing it next to it. I then grabbed Britt's hand and pulled her with me. Rachel's voice got louder. "Yes Rach" Britt responded halfheartedly as she allowed me to lead her to the windowsill. Before she could say anything, I tapped the windowsill, so she could lean on it. She smiled and mouthed 'thanks' before returning her attention to her phone. Finally done, I leaned into the windowsill next to her. She said something to Rach, which earned a loud squeal. Britt moved the phone away from her ear and then looked at me, her cheeks turned a bit red. "Okay, yes Rach we are heading there soon. Okay bye. Rach I'm hanging up now. Bye" she pressed the end button on her phone and laughed.
"So, Rachel's your alarm?" I asked nudging her arm, looking for any excuse to feel her warmth. She grabbed my hand and locked our fingers.
"Yes, she insisted after I missed our morning together." Britt laughed as she stared at our hands. "She said I needed a reminder about my priorities" Britt mimicked in Rachel's voice earning a deep laugh from me. Then her words sunk in.
"Does this mean I'm a priority?" I asked playfully. She squeezed my hand softly. I met her gaze and was surprised at the shine I saw in her eyes.
"San, you've always been." She answered softly. At her words, I felt goosebumps. I wanted to say something, anything, but I couldn't find the words. She looked at her phone and sighed, "Looks like we won't have time for lunch." She said apologetically. She's kidding, right? I don't think I even have an appetite or would have changed anything that just happened.
"That's okay Britt. I wasn't hungry anyway" I smiled, trying to reassure her. Why can't I find anything to say! Tell her something! My palms were starting to sweat as I thought of what I could say to her. Instead, I used my free hand to grab my phone and look at the time. Her class would be starting in about 15 minutes! Wow, how did time pass so fast? "Can I walk you to class" I ask, not wanting to leave her just yet. She smiled brightly and nodded. She stood up, pulling me with her. We grabbed our bags and walked to the staircase in silence. My mind was having an inner war, tell her how I feel or wait? She tugs on my hand, breaking me out of my thoughts. When did we get to her class? I don't even think I've been to this side of the school yet. The halls were still partially empty as most classes were still going. I felt her eyes watching me, so I turned to meet her.
"Thanks for the sandwich" she said. Huh? Oh, breakfast, duh.
"Thanks for picking me up after class" I responded back. The halls started to fill with people as classes were letting out.
"Wait for me?" She asked with this hopeful look on her face. I nodded, unable to find the words. She had this adorable smile on her face. She leaned in and pecked my cheek. "I'll see you soon then." With one last look at me, she entered her classroom.
I placed a hand on my now tingling cheek.
I took a picture of her classroom number before walking around the floor. Luckily, there was a random lounge with chairs nearby that included a few charging ports. I opened my laptop and logged into the Wifi. I opened a new Safari private page and typed in 'how to tell if you are gay'. As it searched, I looked around briefly. Once I was sure I was alone, I looked back at the search. I opened the first link and read through some of it until a vibrating noise interrupted my thoughts. Immediately, I closed my laptop fast as if putting out a fire. My heart was racing until I realized it was my phone. It was of course from Quinn.
'Did you confess your undying love for her yet?' Lit up my screen causing me to roll my eyes.
'Hello to you too Quinn' I typed back.
'Come on, details!' she responded back instantly
'Later!'
'San, please tell me you didn't ignore the girl.'
'I didn't!'
'Good girl. Where are you?'
'Waiting for her class to end'
'Aww, what a good girlfriend'
'I'm not.'
My phone suddenly vibrated loudly with Quinn's picture showing on my caller ID.
I said and answered "Hey Quinn"
"What do you mean you're not?" she said skipping any greeting.
"Aren't you supposed to be in class?" I asked changing the subject.
"It ended early." she responded quickly, "Didn't you and her literally spend half the day together so far?"
"We spent some time in between my class together."
"What did you talk about that entire time? Please tell me she's not as awkward as you"
"Hey!" I responded, "Umm, well, we didn't umm talk that much" I admitted.
"Then what did- oh" she said, "I knew I liked her. She's finally learned a new way to shut you up" she laughed.
"Quinn!"
"So you two made out for an hour and also all through breakfast? Wow I need to get me a girlfriend. That's some good stamina"
"Oh my god Quinn. We didn't make out that long. Only after my class. We didn't meet for breakfast."
"Okay. Wait what? You need to catch me up."
"Later Quinn. I need your help."
"What's up?"
"How do I tell her I like her?" I asked, "I've never been good at this. Most of the time the guy likes me and I just nod. I want her to know I like her. But how?"
"Just tell her."
"How?"
"Well you open your mouth and you say 'Britt, I like you. I want to have little blonde babies with a Spanish accent with you.' See simple right" she laughed.
"Quinn! I'm serious."
"So am I! What are you so scared of?" she asked, "She already kissed you, multiple times. I mean she initiated a make out session."
"Actually, umm I may have umm started that one."
"WHAT?!" yelled Quinn, "Wow, I didn't know you had it in you"
"She was just there, with this look on her face, I really don't know what happened. I kind of like just attacked her" I admitted turning red. "Oh god. I really did. She was so shocked"
"Well you're off to a good start. Now just tell her how you feel. You already did the hard part."
"Quinn, this isn't wrong though?" I asked feeling my fears surface again. When I'm with Britt, usually my fears go away because she just gives me that safe feeling. But now alone, I can feel my worries re-surface.
"No San. You are allowing yourself happiness. Don't let old beliefs stop you from finding happiness.
"But-"
"If Britt makes you happy, then go for her. If she doesn't then don't. It's that simple. Forget gender for a moment. I got your back, Rachel has yours too, now will you let her?"
"I've never felt this"
"I know."
"I'm scared"
"I know San"
"I'm also excited"
"Good" sighed Quinn, "Now focus on the good."
"Thanks Quinn." I felt better. Her reassurance helped.
"Anytime San. Just remember this moment when you're picking out Maid of Horror dresses"
"It's Made of Honor, Quinn"
"Same difference" I could practically see her shrugging, "Okay. My minutes are low. I'll see you later. Go get your girl!"
"Bye Quinn."
I stared at my phone for another second, before opening my laptop again. I took a deep breath and started reading the articles. I continued reading until about 4 minutes before her class was to end. Quickly, I packed up and hurried over to meet her.
I managed to get to her class just as the door was opening. Students were walking out chatting happily. I spotted her packing her items while talking to someone animatedly. I watched how she laughed and responded to him. Once she grabbed her bag, he followed her to the door still talking. Brittany had taken off her beanie and I found myself unable to look away. With the way her hair hung over her left eye accompanied with the smile on her face, it was just so captivating. As if she could feel my stare, she looked over to me. If I thought that prior smile was amazing, the one that took over her expression made my heart stop.
She likes me. For the first time, realization dawned on me. This beautiful person likes me.
She turned to her friend and said something before waving him off. She walked over to me and gave me a brief hug.
"San"
"Britt" I responded earning another smile.
"Are you hungry?" She asked.
"Starving" I admitted earning a giggle.
"Then let's go eat" She said grabbing my hand and leading me away.
We walked a few blocks away from the school into this cute café.
"Where did you find this place?" I asked. It was very tiny, but cozy. We took a seat by the window away from most of the other tables.
"After school, I walked around the area when I was hungry. I spotted this place and got a coffee." She answered. We both had coffee mugs in front of us, while we waited for our sandwiches. The smile on her face was so contagious, I couldn't wipe mine off. It was now or wait. Come on San, you know how you feel. Tell her. She picked up her coffee mug to take a sip.
"I like you Britt" I blurted. Oh my god, did I just blurt that out? I had to stop myself from banging my head on the table in embarrassment. I swallowed my pride and forced myself to keep my attention on the woman in front of me. She smiled into her coffee mug before putting it back on the table.
"San, I would hope so" She answered back with a knowing look.
"God I am so not good at this." I groaned.
"San, I'm the one that accidently stood you up this morning" she said with a smile. "So, compared to that…"
"Britt, you've more than made up for that" I laughed. Leave it up to her to boost my confidence, "Trust me, I'm not upset at that. I just..is.. Is this a date?" I asked feeling my cheeks burn. This time, she grabbed my hand from across the table.
"Well, that depends. Is that what you want this to be?" She asked softly. Did I? I didn't even have to think; it was a definite Yes.
My cheeks burned more as I nodded.
"Then it is." She answered simply.
"Really?" I couldn't help but ask.
"San. I like you too." She let out a soft laugh, "I would love for this to be a date. We already did part of this backwards anyway" She laughed.
She likes me. She said it. Oh my god. If I wasn't floating on clouds before, now I was. The rest of lunch was great. After her admission, I felt less nervous. I mean she already likes me, that means I've been doing something right for weeks.
"Wow, its already after 5" said a surprised Britt as she looked at her phone to answer a few texts. Our conversation had easily went back to classes, friends, and whatever else we could think of. It amazed me how much we could talk about. We both walked to the counter to pay. The cashier gave me the receipt and before Britt could take it, I gave him my card.
"San!"
"Yes" I responded innocently. She gave me a look, "I technically asked you on this umm date. So I pay." I said with as much confidence as I could muster under her look.
At this, she relented "Fine, but I pay for the next one" she laughed. There's going to be another one? She wants there to be another one? Once paid and signed, she grabbed my hand. "Come on let's go home San"
The train ride went by fast and was by far one of the best yet. Due to it being rush hour, there were no seats, so we just stood against the door with her leaning against me. No words were needed.
We arrived back to our dorm and we found ourselves once again in front of my door. I put my bag down and leaned against the little crevice/ wall attached to the door and faced her.
"Thanks for a great day San" Said Britt.
"Thank you, Britt," I responded.
"For what?" She asked.
"Being you" I said meaning every word. Once again my cheeks burned and I knew I must be beet red by now. She smiled and closed the distance between us as my hands reflexively went to her waist. One of her hands rested itself on my waist, while her other brushed my cheek. It softly brushed my skin until it stopped at my chin tugging it up. I looked up into her eyes enjoying the warmth they made me feel. As my eyes closed our lips touched and this time, I felt electricity. Her hand moved from my chin to my neck, pulling me even closer. At this feeling, my knees jerked, causing me to lean on the wall more, causing me to accidently pull her with me; her body flushed completely against me and her hold on my waist tightened. I heard a noise in the background and couldn't care less. I was consumed with thoughts of just her and her incredibly soft and sweet tasting lips.
"Whoa!" gasped a voice "Well hello to you too" laughed Quinn loudly. Britt pulled her lips away from mine quickly, but due to my hold on her waist, stayed against me. I'm not sure if it was due to shock or confidence, I kept my hold on her. We both looked at Quinn who had a mischievous smirk on her face.
"Rachel!" Yelled Quinn loudly. As if on cue in a movie, A door nearby opens.
"Quinn, I'm not a dog! You can't just-oh my!" she squealed. My eyes locked with Rachel in the distance and could see the pure joy on her face. "Quinn, did you just interrupt them?" She accused. I looked back at Quinn who had a guilty look on her face. "Quinn!" she yelled.
"Could you two give us a minute?" Asked Britt as we shared a look.
"Yeah and could you not yell through the entire hall?" I asked finding my voice again. Once both were gone, I sighed. "Our friends suck"
"They have the best intentions" she laughed as I raised my eyebrows, "But yes, they do suck." She leaned forward once more and we shared one sweet kiss before she pulled away. I loosened my grip on her, allowing her to detach herself finally. "I'll see you at dinner?" she asked.
"Of course," I giggled. She walked away slowly and once again I found myself watching her go into her dorm. I definitely did not imagine this one. This time, I walked into my room confidently.
Author's Note: Thanks again for reading! I had to give those two a break. The tension was even driving me crazy lol. I'm trying to make her coming to terms with liking a female as realistic as I can. What do you think, is it realistic enough? I didn't want her to experience what I did though, you know taking like 10 years to finally admit my feelings and then another year (after several pushes by my best friends) to finally get the courage to come out.