When Will woke early the next morning Mac was still asleep in his arms. Mac was usually the first awake but she'd had such an emotional night he wasn't surprised that she was still asleep. He wasn't moving for the world. She was going to wake up with him still holding her.
It wasn't long until he felt Mac start moving, waking up. She squeezed his side with the arm that she had wrapped around his waist and opened her eyes.
"Good morning, Kenz," Will said and kissed her head.
She sat up and stretched, her shirt riding up giving Will a view of her stomach. "Good morning. Could you not sleep?"
"I was watching you sleep," he said catching sight of the scar on her stomach.
She saw where his eyes were and pulled her shirt up so he could see the full scar.
"Mac," he whispered and then looked up, catching her eyes.
"It's okay, you may look and touch, if you want."
He slowly reached his hand out as if he was going to be burnt but he finally touched the scar. It was raised and jagged. "Does it hurt at all?"
"Not physically."
"Emotionally, you mean?" he asked.
She nodded her head and closed her eyes, feeling him touch the scar. He'd always assumed that she'd gotten better physically and dealt with the emotional aspects of the injury, he'd never considered she was still dealing with the emotional side of the attack. "Have you talked to someone?" he asked.
"Can't. I mean, I've tried, but I'd go and sit in a leather chair for an hour and cry. I couldn't talk about it, and I really still am not able to," she admitted.
"Could you tell me?" he asked quietly. He didn't think there was anything she couldn't do and he wanted to help any way he could.
"I doubt it. I'll try, but most likely not. This isn't your problem to fix, Will."
He wanted to help her. She'd helped him so much by being there and letting him talk when he wanted to that he wanted that for her, too.
"How about I want to help you. I want you to feel better about what happened and be able to deal with those feelings."
She thought about what he said. "Let me think about it, okay? I'm not saying no, but now is not the time."
"Whenever you're ready, okay?" he said looking into her eyes.
She nodded and smiled at him. "Thanks for holding me last night and for the cuddles."
"Please don't ever be afraid to ask me anything, Mac."
She had her lip between her teeth and nodded. He wasn't convinced but he at least put it out there for her to think about.
"What's the plan for the day?" she asked, hoping to move them onto another subject.
"How about we go to Mary's for breakfast and then I want to go see my father again and talk to him for a while."
"Okay, that sounds good. Go take a shower and I'll get ready and we can go," she said starting to get out of bed.
He grabbed her hand before she got too far and pulled her into his arms. She relaxed against his chest and hugged him. He was running his hand through her hair, holding her head against his shoulder. She knew he was still worried and upset about what had happened last night and let him hold her for as long as he wanted. He kissed her temple and eased her back.
"I'm going to go take a quick shower and get ready," he said and got out of bed.
She nodded and got out of bed, too. When he got to their connected doors he turned and asked, "do you want these closed?"
She looked at him and said, "no, leave them open." She was talking about more than simply the doors and they both knew that. He smiled and nodded and walked into his room.
Mac was ready before Will and knocked on his door. He walked away from the sink with a toothbrush in his mouth and saw her standing there ready to go. He motioned for her to come in and motioned toward the bed. She sat on the bed watching him. He had on a pair of jeans and had a towel around his neck. He hadn't yet put on a shirt. She couldn't help but stare at him and he caught her eyes in the mirror and smiled at her. He finished brushing his teeth and grabbed a polo shirt out of his suitcase and pulled it on all with her watching him.
"Not going to shave?" she asked.
He sat next to her and took her hand in his and placed it on his cheek. "Do I need to?" he asked.
She ran her fingers across his cheek and said, "still soft. You're not prickly yet."
He pulled her hand from his cheek and kissed her palm. "Lonny is already in the car," he said. "You ready to go?"
"I am. I'm starving, too."
"Breakfast is Mary's speciality."
"Good, let's go eat," she said.
Lonny drove them to the diner and they all sat at the bar. After hugs Mary brought them all coffee and asked them what they'd like for breakfast.
Mac ordered the breakfast special as did Will and Lonny. Mary was sure that Will and Lonny would be able to eat all of the breakfast but she wasn't so sure about Mac. After fixing their breakfasts and placing the plates in front of them Mary shouldn't have worried about Mac at all. She finished every bite of her breakfast. Will pushed his plate to her so she could finish his hash browns. Mac smiled at him and squeezed his arm.
"What are you up to today?" Mary asked.
"I need to talk to my father this morning," Will explained.
"If you're around this afternoon Mel is supposed to be stopping by about four," Mary said.
"If we're close I'll stop by and say hello. We've not seen each other in years," Will explained.
Will pulled out his wallet and placed some money under his water glass. "Thank you for breakfast. You're eggs are still the best in town," he said with a smile as Mary was making coffee.
"Breakfast was excellent, thank you, Mary," Mac agreed with Will.
"Come by after while. I'm making cherry pies today."
Mac was watching Will's reaction and smiled. This woman knew how to make Will very happy. Truth be told it was probably more of the woman herself than her cooking but that part didn't hurt at all. Mac had never seen Will enjoy meals so much, not even five star meals.
"We should go," Will said. Lonny got up as did Will and Mac. "I'll see you later, Mary," Will said.
"Good luck today, my boy."
"Thanks," he replied.
Mac and Lonny both said good-bye to Mary and followed Will out of the diner. Lonny drove Will and Mac, who were sitting in the backseat, to the facility where Will's father was staying. "I'll be down here," Lonny said when Will and Mac got out of the car.
They walked in and took the elevator up to John's floor. They were walking toward his room when a nurse stopped them. "Are you here to see Mr. McAvoy?"
"Yes," Will answered.
"He had a very bad night. He's not doing very well," she said trying to prepare them. "We have him hooked up to monitors today."
"Is he conscious?" Mac asked.
"Of the few times I've been in today he's only been awake once, but he was able to talk to me when he was awake."
When Mac looked up at Will he had a look of panic on his face.
"Thank you," Mac said to the nurse and moved Will toward his father's room. When they were outside his door Mac took Will's hand in hers and together they walked in to his father's room. There were monitors everywhere they looked.
"He seemed so with it yesterday," Will said.
The nurse followed them in and was taking John's vitals. She turned to them and said, "yesterday was a really good day for him. Those hadn't happened very often, recently. You were here yesterday, weren't you?"
"We were," Mac said. She pushed Will into the chair by his father's bedside and placed her hands on his shoulders. "How is he doing?"
"He's getting weaker, but like I said, he talked to me earlier, about an hour ago," the nurse explained.
"Thank you," Mac said as the nurse left the room. Mac pulled a chair up next to Will's and together they sat there watching John and all of the monitors, holding hands and not speaking.
After about an hour John coughed and opened his eyes. Will stood up and sat on the side of the bed with Mac standing beside him. "How are you feeling?" Will asked.
"Tired," John said in a quiet voice. "You ask Iris?"
"I did," Will said. "She told me everything. I'm sorry you had to go through that, I know how much that hurts," he said. Mac was hoping that the floor would open up and she could fall into a hole. He looked at Mac and said, "I also know what it's like to love someone so completely and I wouldn't trade that for the world."
"Don't waste time, Willie," John whispered.
"I won't," he said. "Do you need anything? Water, ice chips, anything?"
Will could tell he wanted to ask something but was hesitant. "It's okay, what can I do?"
"Sit here with me," John said with tears flowing out of his eyes.
Will grabbed a tissue and wiped the tears off his father's cheeks and said, "I'll be right here."
John closed his eyes and Will didn't move. Mac grabbed several tissues and sat next to Will on the side of the bed, rubbing his back. They didn't move for hours. Nurses and assistants came in and out of the room checking on both John and them. They brought them bottles of water and left snacks on the table in case anyone was hungry. Mac had her forehead resting on the back of Will's shoulder when they heard one of the monitor's alarms go off and immediately the room was flooded with hospice personnel. Will and Mac were moved away from the bed but still allowed in the room. Will had Mac standing in front of him and he had one arm wrapped around her neck and across her chest and the other around her waist. Her hands were wrapped around his arm that was across her chest. He felt her tears hit his arm.
Several other alarms all went off and they watched John's heart monitor flat line. Will had no idea how or what to feel at that moment. Mac turned in his arms and pulled him to her shoulder. They stood there holding one another until the nurse came up to them and rubbed both of their backs. They both looked at the nurse and she said, "I'm so sorry."
"Thank you," Will said very quietly. Mac nodded.
"Take as much time as you want," the nurse said and all of the hospice personnel left the room and pulled the door shut behind themselves, giving Will and Mac some privacy.
Will walked over to the bed and sat on the side again and picked up his father's lifeless hand and held it in his. Mac came back and stood next to him, rubbing his shoulder. "I don't know how to feel," he said with tears in his eyes, looking up at Mac. "I hated him for so long for everything he did to me and my siblings and my mother but now that I know more of the story, I have no idea how to feel."
"There is no right or wrong way, Billy."
They remained at John's bedside for almost an hour. Mac didn't know what was going through Will's head but he looked up and asked, "will you help me plan the funeral?"
"Yes. We should start calling your family," Mac said.
Will nodded his head and got up off of the bed and leaned over and kissed his father's forehead before grabbing Mac's hand and leading them out of the room.
The nurse that had spoken with them after John had died was at the nurse's station. Will walked up to her and said, "thank you."
"You're welcome. Will you be making the arrangements?" she asked.
"Yes, this afternoon most likely."
"Please let us know when the service will be, Mr. McAvoy."
Will nodded and Mac made note of the nurse's nametag so they could specifically let her know. Mac led Will to the elevator and called Lonny to let him know they were on their way down. Lonny could tell from her voice that the worst had happened.
When they arrived at the car Lonny had it running and was waiting on them beside the car. He shook Will's hand and pulled him into a brief hug and said, "I'm so sorry, Will."
"Thanks, Lonny," Will said and climbed into the car. Mac followed him in and Lonny drove them to Iris's house with Will giving him directions.
Once they'd arrived at Iris's house Will made his way onto the porch and watched as Mackenzie spoke with Lonny, about what Will had no idea but he presumed Mac was in full organizational mode making sure he had as little to worry about as possible. He watched Lonny drive away, and he sat down on the swing bench in the corner of the porch and let himself swing back and forth for a moment or two, almost grinning to himself as he thought how child-like he felt at that moment. God, this place was provoking so many memories for him and just like yesterday they all seemed to wash over him all at once.
Visions of sunny afternoons sat on this swing swirled around his head, visions of bringing Mel here after his dates with her because there was absolutely no way he could ever have taken her home, visions of one Christmas day when his father had drunken himself into a frenzy and Will had pulled his sisters and brother into his arms and marched them the two streets to Iris' only to find their aunt wasn't in. Will had sat on the porch swing that night with his sisters huddled in his arms and told them all sorts of crazy tales to keep them all from thinking too much of what was going on at home. Iris had found the four of them freezing and hungry that Christmas night and she hadn't spoken a civil word to her brother since.
"I've told Lonny that we'll call him when we need a ride," Mac said, interrupting Will's memories, as she made her way over towards him, "I guess we'll be here for a couple of hours?"
"Guess so," Will said as he stopped the bench from swinging for a moment and patted the space next to him, indicating for Mac to sit.
"Are we not going in?" Mac asked nodding her head towards the front door.
"In a minute," Will mumbled, his eyes roaming up and down the street, "I just want to sit for a moment."
"But what about Iris," Mac whispered, "We should tell her Billy."
Will didn't answer but simply patted the bench again. This time Mac sat down and sighed as Will started to swing them ever so gently back and forth. For a minute or so neither said a word, both enjoying the utter peace and quiet of the moment but Mackenzie soon turned her head slightly to see a dejected, thoughtful look on Will's face.
"Penny for your thoughts?" she asked, laying her hand on his thigh and rubbing it gently, soothingly, the way she knew Will liked it.
Will thought for a moment before looking up at Mackenzie's face, the look of total adoration on her face at that moment absolutely melted him and although he was a man that often kept his most inner thoughts to himself he couldn't help but give into her wishes as he watched the silent pleading in her eyes. He rested his hand atop of hers on his thigh and locked his fingers in between hers.
"You know, when I was a kid I used to sit and swing here and wonder what the hell I'd done wrong to deserve a father like him."
"You didn't do anything wrong Will, you know that."
"I know," Will whispered, "I know that now but to an eleven or twelve year old kid none of it really made sense. I'd see other families walk by, fathers with sons and they seemed to be so happy. I longed for happiness like that, for my father to look at me the same way other fathers looked at their sons."
Mac looked up to see Will's eyes firmly shut but she could just about make out a tear creeping out the corner of his left eye. Will must have sensed Mac was watching him because he stubbornly reached up and brushed the tear from his eye. At that moment, her heart ached even more than it usually did for him and she slowly reached for his hand again, taking it in hers and squeezing it tightly hoping that he could tell from her simple actions that she was there for him.
"I was wracking my brain on the way over here and I can only remember one day when he actually looked at me like other fathers did. There might have been other times I suppose, maybe when I was younger but I can only remember one day."
"When was that?"
"My first ever baseball game," Will said softly. His eyes were focussed on something way in the distance but he did have a slight smile on his face. "I was baseball crazy as a kid but I'd never been to a game. I used to badger anyone who would listen, almost beg them to take me to a game and one day, out of the blue, Dad came home on a Monday night and told me we were going away for a couple of days, just me and him."
Will laughed a little nervous laugh and looked at Mac for a second or two before he went back to his spot in the distance. "I was worried at first, I was eleven and I knew what he was like by then but he said so casually "Willie, it's time you went to a ball game and it's time I took you." I remember the words so clearly, even to this day and you know what, as an eleven-year-old kid, I forgave him everything in that moment that had happened before. I was so damn happy to be going to a game with him that I couldn't have cared about anything in the past."
"Willie?" Mac giggled, causing Will to chuckle and then shake his head.
"Yeah I know…Mom called me that all the time as a kid," Will said and Mac didn't miss the look of longing in his eye at the memory of his mom. "You know, I think that's the only time I ever recall Dad calling me it though, until today."
"I heard that," Mac whispered rubbing Will's arm gently.
"Honestly, I really do think that's the first time he's called me that since that night in 1972."
"What happened with the game? Did he take you?"
"Yeah," Will whispered, smiling at the memory, "It was great, probably the best couple of days of my life at the time which sounds stupid I know, but it was."
Will swung the bench a little more and Mac watched as a smile spread across his face. "August 8, 1972, I remember every detail about it like it was yesterday. Dad borrowed a car from someone, I have no idea who, and we drove down to St. Louis on a Tuesday morning. We were in that car for hours but Dad was telling me stories the whole way, baseball stories about players and the history of the game, about the days when he used to play that it felt like we were only in that car an hour tops. We spent the day driving and talking, then it was a moment in life I'd never forget as we walked into the stadium, I swear there was no better feeling in life at the time, I was so fucking happy, I thought all my birthdays and Christmases had come at once."
Will chuckled again and stole a look across to a smiling Mackenzie. "Cardinals beat the New York Mets 6-5 and I've been hooked ever since."
"You took me to a Mets versus Cardinals game once," Mac whispered remembering one of their dates from five years ago.
Will nodded and smiled again at Mac, "I always try to catch the Cardinals when they play the Mets, even now."
"You should have told me why," Mac whispered, wishing she'd known back then just how important that fixture was to him.
"I didn't know you well enough back then, Kenz."
Mac nodded, fully understanding what he was saying and rested her head slightly on Will's shoulder.
"We ended up staying overnight in St. Louis because I just kept begging Dad to take me again. I remember we slept in the car and Dad got us tickets for the game the following night. Cardinals lost 8 to 3 that night but I didn't care. I told Dad driving home I was going to be a baseball player and boy was I determined for years to come…I went back to school that fall determined to be the next Bob Gibson."
"And he was?"
"Pitcher for the Cardinals but he was originally from Nebraska, a real hero in these parts in the late 60s."
"Maybe we could catch the game together? You know, next time the Cardinals come to the Mets?" Mac whispered causing Will to smile and squeeze her hand affectionately.
"I'd love that," Will replied as he shifted and slung an arm around Mackenzie's shoulder, "But I just don't get how he changed so much. I remember he didn't touch a single drop of liquor those couple of days. How can he be such a great Dad while we were away and then be a bastard from hell as soon as we got back? He had it in him Kenz, he had it in him to love us…to love me. Why did he hate me so much?"
Will's voice trailed off and he shook his head sadly.
"I don't think he hated you," Mac said, trying to convince Will of the odd signs she'd seen over the last couple of days. "I know he didn't show it at all but I think he loved you deep down Billy. His actions showed that today."
"Well, he had a fucking bad way of showing it," Will said, his voice laced with anger again.
Mac lifted her head from his shoulder and saw a second tear creep out of Will's eye and down his cheek but again he instantly swiped at the tears, removing all trace of them from his cheek.
"It's okay to cry," Mac whispered, as she raised his hand to her mouth and pressed the softest of kisses to the back of his hand.
Will shook his head but still didn't open his eyes. "I swore to myself a long time ago I would never shed another tear over him," Will said, his voice barely a whisper, "and whatever has happened I won't go back on that particular promise."
Mac swore she felt her heart break a little as she watched him bite his lip and squeeze his eyes shut even tighter trying so desperately hard to be brave and not cry. She let go of his hand and shuffled a little closer so she could pull him into her arms and was surprised to find that Will didn't fight it, he let Mackenzie wrap her arms around him and Mac heard the faintest of sobs as he finally buried his head into the space between her shoulder and her neck.
"Shhh…it's okay," Mac cooed as she gently rubbed circles into his back knowing from old that he loved the soothing feeling of having his back rubbed.
"I don't know why it's getting to me so much," Will whispered into her shoulder a few moments later.
"Because whatever's happened in the past Will, he's still your father."
"But I've hated him for so long," Will said lifting his head and looking at Mac for some kind of magical answer. "I hated him Mac, for most of my adult life I've wished him dead and now…now it's happened I can't believe I actually feel upset about it. What the hell's wrong with me?"
Before Mackenzie had the chance to answer, Will suddenly sat up straight as Iris appeared at the front window obviously wondering why they were sitting on the front porch alone. She smiled briefly at her nephew and then disappeared again, obviously making her way out to the porch.
"Oh God, I can't tell her Mac," Will whispered, shaking his head slightly, "how the hell do I tell Iris, tell my sisters? I feel like such a fucking fraud right now."
"Hey, you're not a fraud because you're upset over your father dying Will, they'll all understand…he's still your father and they're still your family. Everyone's going to be feeling the same."
"I've hardly spoken to my little sister for years because of how easily she forgave him for the past, how can I now look her in the eye and seem upset over what's happened?"
"Will, she won't judge you, she's an adult now, she's not that little girl you protected for so long."
But Will was on a roll with his worries and concerns, he wasn't listening and he certainly wasn't taking in anything Mackenzie was saying.
"Iris fell out with her own brother over me, she actually chose me over her own brother and I can't sit here and…."
"Will?"
Both Will and Mackenzie looked up to see Iris standing by the front door with a knowing look on her face, Will could tell just from the look in her eyes that she already knew what had happened.
"It's okay," Iris said in almost a whisper, "Peter called and told me."
Will nodded, hardly surprised that his brother was obviously the contact the hospital had, and stole a very brief look at Mackenzie before turning his attention back to his aunt. Iris took a couple of paces towards them and held her arms out to Will but Will didn't move. Instead he took a deep breath and shook his head.
"I'm glad he's dead."