Chapter Seven

I walked outside of the cafe and sat down at an empty table. The sun was gone but it wasn't cold. The warm breeze was nice but I wasn't ready, I was never ready for the things I actually needed to just do.

I felt my body shake, my nerves taking over.

I dialed Amy and waited. The ringing of the phone felt powerful and definite. I felt weak. I waited and feared that she would pick up, or worse just leave me be.

The phone rang and rang. I was sure that she'd decided to ignore it when I heard the ringing stop and the silence begin.

"Amy?" I asked once I knew it must be her and not a dropped call.

"Um, Karma, hey," I heard her say.

"Hi," I said, the air trying to leave me all at once and somehow make it to her and be there where she was and take me there too.

"What-ah- What's up?" She asked, trying to seem unaffected.

"I, I'm sorry," I said.

"For what?" She laughed.

"I-I realized I-I needed to talk to you, like really talk."

The silence hurt me. Talking, for me? About this stuff? With her?

This was hard.

"Okay," she sighed. Wherever she was I could feel her sitting down. "Talk," she said, knowing that it would be harder for me if she said it like that. I felt my insides churn.

"I was out with someone just now." I knew already that I was starting this all wrong.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "It's- look, it's not like that."

"Like what?" Amy asked, challenging.

"I'm not calling to talk about someone else, I don't even know why I brought her up."

"So, this person is a she?"

"Yeah, but. God, Amy! I'm already fucking this up... Damnit." I felt myself wishing to explode.

"Karma…" She felt so far away all of a sudden, so very far.

"I couldn't tell you how I felt, okay?"

Silence.

Again.

"I couldn't tell you that, before I knew it was you I had kissed, I had this feeling in my chest this tight feeling of being in love, this feeling of being happy, Amy, like, really really happy. This feeling I don't often get, I mean, not with a kiss. Only twice, maybe..."

I waited for her to speak but she didn't.

"I had to tell you that. I had to tell you that right now because I couldn't stop thinking about how stupid it was that I didn't just tell you as soon as I felt it, as soon as I knew that it was you I kissed and not Liam. As soon as I knew that you were that feeling, I should've told you, I should've said it."

I felt so stupid for talking so much. I felt so stupid for being so slow to speak about the important things that actually mattered.

"Talk to me," I said. "I need you to talk to me." The silence. So much silence. And for so long. We'd never been like this. We'd never gone through this.

"Wh-ah… I don't know what to say Karma, I really don't."

"Shit," I sighed and waited. "Okay," I said… Needing to calm myself. I felt that the tears had come to bite at me and make me feel weak. "I've never felt this horrible in my entire life, do you know that?"

"Why do you feel horrible?" Amy asked, I could hear the defeated tone of her voice. I was still hurting her, even when I was trying to explain.

"At the RV, before you left… That morning even. I should've told you… I was just… Scared." I searched the night and felt small.

"Why were you scared?" Amy asked, she was so present now I could feel her just beyond somewhere so close I could touch her.

"I didn't want to lose you," I said, my voice squeaking near the end.

"You could never lose me," she said, her voice squeaking to.

"Yeah, well… It sure feels like you're gone," I cried, trying not to breathe was really hard.

"I just wish you'd have faith in me," she said. And I felt my heartstrings tug. I felt how badly I wanted to kiss her again.

"I do," I said. "It's me I'm not so sure about."

"Karma," she laughed. I could tell she'd been crying too.

"There's so much I want to ask you," I said. But mostly, I wanted to hold her again.

"I know," she said. She knew me better than anyone else. "Hey, look. This sucks but I have to go."

"Amy…" I felt it, the air in me gone, the fight in me depleted.

"Thanks for calling Karma. It- it means a lot, really."

I waited for anything else but nothing came.

She hung-up before I could answer her. The line fell short and I knew that I had done little to fix us but I'd done all that I could do the only thing I should've already done. I couldn't fix us. I couldn't take away any of the things I had done or not done.

Without her now, I felt strange… Wrecked…