(Chapter 7 – Memory Lane)
~Emma~
I always knew the nightmare would come back to haunt me.
And nothing I do was going to prepare me for how much it still hurts.
The sky was the same colour as before, a dark red, hidden behind a layer of smoke. Was it the fire, or the blood? Either way, the redness seemed to spread all around me like a blanket, enveloping me with fear and pain.
The bodies of my long dead parents lay splattered around the room; I had no more tears left to cry so all I could do was stare at them as if I was a stranger looking down at the scene. Wood cracked and screamed under the flames; it was too hot … too dry … I couldn't breathe…
Once again I was surrounded by a group of men, each holding me at gunpoint. They made way as their leader came forth, his face still a blur to me. His huge hand grabbed my face and pushed me back against the wall, his face so close to mine yet I just couldn't see his exact features. I felt a splitting pain in my stomach and as I look down, I saw that I was bleeding.
The blood seemed to flow in a funny way. It ran its course around the room slowly, forming a gigantic circle, and when I feel like all my blood had been drained from my body, I saw what I had been forced to create.
A circle. A transmutation circle drawn with my blood.
All I could see was whiteness, and then nothing … then I found myself standing before the gate.
There was a figure sitting down opposite me; I walked towards it cautiously, and when it turned around, my suspicion was confirmed.
It was me staring back into my own eyes.
It smiled with a face that mirrored my own, and before I knew it, I was pulled into the gate. The doors closed harshly as I was pulled back into this strange world. All around me I could see pictures … no, they were memories, I realised. My memories.
Me and Chris playing near the meadows … my first day at the orphanage … starving near death … Chris finding me again in the dump … my state alchemist exam … everything flowed in and out of me, reminding me every second of a forgotten past.
Then there were new memories … knowledge that seemed to be from another world … it pierced through me and suddenly I felt as if I knew all the secrets of the universe. My head pounded with this new information and I could hardly contain them anymore. It was knowledge fit for a god, and I possessed it.
The end came quickly, and I found myself back in the ruins of my home. I was panting, lying in a pool of my own blood merged with my deceased family. The man approached me once again, he seemed pleased. Grabbing me by my head once more, he pressed me against the floor forcefully.
"You are my creation," he hissed viciously, "but for now, you need to forget me. Forget my face, everything, forget everything you think happened tonight."
The fear penetrated and magnified through my dream, and I could feel the same level of terror, if not more. He stood up and walked towards the door, his men leaving with him.
The room kept burning, and the ceiling was beginning to collapse but I lay immobilised on the floor. As I turned my head I saw my parents' empty eyes burning into mine, and I felt it. Their last emotions. I felt their regret, and their hate. And … disappointment? In me?
No! I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to open the gate! I'm sorry … I'm so sorry … please don't look at me like this … it wasn't my fault! Please don't … I'm scared … I can't move … I can't speak … I have to run … no, I have to kill … I have to … I have to…
"Emma!" A voice called to me; "Jesus, Emma! Wake up!"
I felt a great force shaking my body and with a jolt, I was awakened back into reality. My eyes were wide open but seeing nothing; my mouth was dry and I could hear someone screaming. Who was it? What happened?
Then I realised it was me. I was the one screaming my heart out.
As my vision returned I could see Roy half crouching down on top of me, shaking my shoulders violently and looking down at me with bewildered and worried eyes. The first moment I saw him, my fear evaporated and the screeching sound from my throat finally disappeared. He took my trembling body and folded me into his arms as if I was a baby, stroking my hair softly whilst rocking me gently. After a while, I managed to convince myself that it was only a dream, but even then my heart was still racing at abnormal speed.
I clutched his shirt tightly in my hands, taking in his warm scent. His arms were tight around me, making me feel supported and safe.
"Roy…" it was the only word my mouth could form at the moment without breaking up. It had a nice tone to it, and it surprised me how I had never called him that. I whispered his name into his chest, feeling its power chasing away the terror of my dreams. It was the first time I've heard him calling me by my first name; it felt different in a way, but I found that I didn't dislike it.
He pulled back and looked into my eyes; he said nothing, as if he could understand everything just by looking at me. It was a nice feeling, knowing that someone could know exactly what I was feeling without putting it into words. We stayed like that for a while, and when he made sure that I was calm again, he stood up.
"Will you be alright?" He asked softly, his eyes never leaving mine.
I nodded, not trusting my voice. But as I slipped back into bed the prospect of going back to that nightmare was so daunting that I had to jump out and grab on to the edge of his shirt to stop him from leaving.
I didn't care anymore if I was being weak and pathetic, I just didn't want to be alone tonight. It was as if he knew what I wanted; I saw him hesitate for a second, but whatever he was thinking of, he changed his mind and supported me back to the bed, laying me down gently.
He sat on the edge, brushing a strand of hair from my sweaty forehead. His touch felt cold against my burning skin, but also warm at the same time. Knowing he was going to be by my side, it didn't scare me anymore whether the nightmare was going to return.
I remembered about the promise I made to myself all those years ago … that I was going to forget words like lonely or painful. Because then, I'll be able to live better that way. But … why does my heart feel so content when he's sitting here next to me?
I was so tired, but I felt so safe and protected with him that it took less than a second for me to drift off to sleep.
This time with my newly found strength, I refused to let the dreams take me.
.
.
The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that I'm not alone. As I moved between the sheets, I became aware of another presence. My body tensed and I turned my head abruptly, meeting face to face with Roy who lay asleep. Next to me. In my bed.
"Ah!" I jumped out immediately, my energy now fully recovered. I dragged the sheets off the bed and backed against the window, wrapping the bedding around my semi-naked body.
He woke up with a start and scanned the room alarmingly, seemingly still half asleep. I threw a pillow at him, gesturing for him to turn the other way while I changed.
"What are you still doing here?" I asked, confused by his presence. Then what happened last night returned to me in a blur as if it happened in a dream. I thought it was a dream … but obviously not. So … did I really ask him to stay? I swear I imagined the whole thing. Oh no, what the hell was wrong with me? How am I going to face him again?
He pushed the pillow off his face and slipped out of my bed. "It's not like I had a choice," he mumbled, "you weren't really going to let go of my shirt anytime soon."
Embarrassment swept over me; "Don't get so cocky. It just happened that you were there. And I wasn't really in the right state if mind, so…"
"Well, it's good to see you're back to your old self, Payton" he replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes as he made for the door. "you can get today off. Build your strength up, you're going to need it on your next mission."
And with that, he left the room. I stood there for a second before sitting back down on the bed; I woke up so suddenly that my head was still spinning. I slapped myself mentally, regretting the things I said. But it was all so strange to me, this new feeling of happiness and warmth that I felt last night was so overwhelming I didn't know how else to react.
I reminded myself that the next time I see him, I'll be sure to apologise for the way I freaked out this morning and thank him for staying with me last night. That's right. That's what I will do. I made a mental note and suddenly felt pleased. It felt like I was changing, or rather, it felt like my hard exterior was melting away. I smiled to myself, noticing how nice it was to be myself around him. It's as if it's impossible to act tough for long around him; as if he could see straight through to the real me.
The nightmare from last night was long forgotten; instead it was replaced with thoughts of him. Why? Why only him? I had no answers. I only knew that whenever I'm with him, my heart sings with so much joy that I could almost believe I was living a normal life.
Almost.
And then reality crashes back in, reminding me exactly why I was here, and what needed to be done.
.
.
I caught Chris just in time as I left the building. He looked surprised to see me, and I realised that I still haven't had time to talk to him about my memories. I wasn't even sure whether I wanted to or not, but if he could help me to fill in the missing gaps then I can't risk not letting him know.
"Em!" He flashed me an unsure smile and ruffled my hair affectionately, "Shouldn't you be resting?"
I rolled my eyes, "I'm not sick, Chris."
"You really scared me," he sighed, "I never thought I'd see you like that again." He said softly, the pain leaking through from his voice.
I knew then that I couldn't tell him. He was already shouldering so much responsibilities, how can I let him worry more? I'll think of another way to fill in the blanks. It'll pain him to know that I opened the gate and sacrificed something important, and I couldn't hurt him again.
"So what's happening with you?" I asked light heartedly, changing the subject.
He shrugged, his eyes still hard and I had to find another way to distract him.
"You know, we've been in Central for two months now and I still have no idea where you live!" I said shockingly, which was true, since I was extremely curious as to why he turned down the offer of living in the dormitories.
That got his attention and he gave me a sheepish grin. "Well … let's just say that I found a place to stay in the city."
"Can I go visit?" I asked hopefully, the painful subject long forgotten. "Oh please Chris! It's hardly fair for you to hide it from me."
"I'm not so sure you'd want to…" he frowned, as if remembering something bad and shuddered. "You might not be able to get rid of him, you know."
Ohh, mysterious. That just made me even more excited and curious. "Come on! I want to see! Pretty please?" I flashed my eyes and pouted, knowing he would not be able to resist.
He looked at me for a second and groaned, giving up. "Fine! Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you."
I grinned happily, content with the feeling of victory as I followed him down the streets. My imagination was going wild as I tried to guess what kind of people Chris was living with.
"They're not the mafia, are they?" I asked in horror.
He tried to hold in his laughter, "No! Where did you get that from? Don't worry, they're perfectly good people, you'll see. We're nearly there."
It didn't take long before we reached a building which I presumed was where Chris lived. It looked pretty decent from the outside, not somewhere you'd expect a murderer or a crime lord to reside in. Then again, looks can be deceiving.
Chris rang the door bell and a young woman opened the door. She was very beautiful, definitely not in the mafia then, and I became incredibly suspicious at her relationship with my brother. If they're living together …
"Emma, I want you to meet Grecia. Grecia, this is my little sister, Emma."
"Nice to meet you," I said timidly, eyeing her up and down trying to work out what was going on between them.
She gave me a kind smile and extended her hand, "It's so good to finally meet you, Emma. We've heard a lot about you, it's like finally meeting the legend."
My face reddened in embarrassment as I returned her handshake, worried about what Chris had told her.
"Please come in," She held the door open as we stepped in. I thanked her quietly and scanned the room; it was very homy and spacious, and I became increasingly jealous at how Chris had managed to get himself to stay here.
A man emerged from the rooms and stared at us with great interest. Grecia walked towards him and led him towards us.
"Honey, this is Emma." She introduced, "the one we've been hearing so much about."
He studied me for a while, his eyes burning into me from the back of his glasses. Finally, after what seemed like eternity, he cracked a smile and reached for something in his jacket.
I tensed; oh no, he's not really the mafia boss, is he? Just as I was preparing myself for the potential danger of a gun fight he pulled out something else from his pocket and held it up in front of my face. It was so close that I had back a few steps to take in the picture.
And I was suddenly confused.
It was a picture of a little girl, a beautiful little girl flashing a big, innocent smile. I blinked, trying to understand the meaning behind this.
"Isn't she just beautiful?" He sniffed as he held up more photos in front of my face, each of the same girl in different poses. "This is my super cute daughter, Elicia, the most beautiful little girl in the world! She's not here at the moment though, it's a shame but she'll be back later on. Here! Keep these!" He shoved the photos into my hand despite my protesting and danced across the room happily as if he just won the lottery.
My head snapped towards Chris, demanding an explanation.
I told you so. He mouthed the words and went to calm the guy down. I clutched the pictures in my hand, unsure as to what to do with them.
"Don't mind him, he's always like this with guests" Grecia took them from my hands to my relief. "This is my husband, Maes Hughes. Darling, please behave yourself in front of our guest." She scolded him and he calmed down immediately, staring up at her with puppy like eyes.
"Um … I hope I'm not intruding or anything. It's just that I was curious about where my brother lived. Please don't fight because of me." I said nervously.
The both looked at me like I've just said something funny and burst out laughing. "Oh no, we're not fighting." Grecia led me towards the couch and sat me down. "You can come here anytime you want. I'll go get you a drink while you make yourself comfortable."
I wondered if that's what being married was like; they are so oddly close with each other that it's hard for me to even imagine it.
"I've heard a lot about you, Emma Payton." Hughes sat down opposite me and stared at me with great interest. "The youngest alchemist in the country, or the world, even. You do live up to your expectations."
I shifted uncomfortably under all the attention I was getting. "I don't know what my brother has told you," I gave Chris a 'you're dead' look, "but they're probably either not true or exaggerated beyond the truth."
"Oh no, your brother has been very secretive about you." He smiled and despite the odd incident, he felt like a really kind person. "Most of the stories came from your boss, actually."
My brain froze for a second, trying to work out who my boss is, and I nearly jumped out of my seat when the realisation dawned upon me. "You know him? You now Roy?"
He chuckled at my expressions, "Why yes. We've known each other for a long time. It was him who arranged to have your brother stay with us for a while until he found a place of his own."
I couldn't believe this. Roy went out of his way to make sure Chris had somewhere to stay? It didn't sound like him, I bet he's got some kind of hidden agenda. Grecia returned from the kitchen with a tray of beautiful teacups, I thanked her as I took in the fresh scent of the tea leaves.
"So … are you two going out yet?"
Hughes' comment made me choke on my drink. The hot liquid burnt the back of my throat and it took everything I had not to spit it right out. I swallowed it painfully, trying to stop my coughing and waved my hand crazily in the air as if he just said the most ridiculous thing.
"What?!" I placed the drink down, shaking my head so hard I swear it's going to fall off. "No way! How could you even think that? No. Nuh-uh. Not in a million years. No freaking way." I had to shut my mouth as I realised I've probably said more than was necessary.
He looked amused, and I wondered whether he was going to tell Roy about this. Hopefully not, as if it's not awkward enough already.
"Don't be so hard on him," Hughes sipped at the tea as Grecia disappeared into the room again. "He's a good person, he just doesn't know how to express himself, that's all."
Why is everyone saying that? But there was something in his voice that sparked my interest; he stared down at the cups but not really seeing them, as if remembering something from the past.
"He's also human, you know? It may not seem like it, but he can get hurt too." Hughes became silent and inclined his head to the side, watching me. "Why don't I tell you a story?"
.
.
~Roy~
I sorted through the mountainous pile of paperwork on my desk, feeling more irritated as time passes by. This was taking ages, I neither have the time nor the energy to sit here all day looking through some pointless documents. I sighed angrily and shoved all of them into the draw, deciding to get someone else to sort through the mess.
The table wobbled and a stack of paper fell on the floor. Groaning in frustration, I bent down to collect them. And as I slammed them back down onto the table, something fell out from it.
I caught it before it hit the floor and turned it over. It was a picture from years ago and memories came flooding back. I clutched it in my hand, staring at the face that was so familiar it reminded me again of the mistakes I made. A little pain tugged at my chest, opening an old wound. I chucked it into a draw, finding myself unable to throw it out or even forget about it. It was painful to remember, but even more so to forget.
I slumped back down in my seat, all my motivations gone and my mood ruined by one little photograph. I closed my eyes, trying not to think about it, but my thoughts had different ideas. As soon as my eyelids closed, my mind took me back to the one place I never wanted to revisit.
.
.
~Emma~
"It was probably about two, three years ago," Hughes began, regardless of whether or not I was really interested in it. "Roy was working on a case when he met her. She was from a very prestigious family, good social standing, excellent education background; you know the kind of people I mean."
I nodded, listening intently.
"They were together for a while, and I could tell he genuinely cared about her. But it wasn't enough. She was completely in love with him but … well, you know how he can be sometimes, he wouldn't let anyone come near him, emotionally, and she was no different. She got tired of waiting, I guess, never knowing exactly how he feels and he, being his stubborn self, would never let her know about his true feelings."
"It wasn't anything big at first. She started doing things in order to get his attention; trivial things to begin with, like staying out late, or refusing to answer his calls. I guess she wanted a definite answer from him. Then it escalated when nothing was working. Everything she did made her feel as if they were growing further apart. But she wasn't going to give up, so things got a lot worse, and everyone got hurt."
Hughes paused, reading my expressions. I contemplated his words, trying to imagine the situation as if it was happening to me. But I couldn't. I've never had any experience in this, none of it made any sense to me.
"So … she did something pretty stupid. She … had an affair with another man. It didn't mean anything to her, she thought that it could get some sort of reaction out of Roy, since he never really told her how he felt. She probably hoped that he would finally tell her that he loves her, but it didn't work. Her plan backfired and they finally decided to end all this."
"Roy was the one who took it the hardest, although it was his decision. He felt responsible in a way for ruining their relationship. I know that he really did love her though, anyone could see it, but she was so obsessed with words that it wasn't just enough for him to show it, she wanted to hear it. The same went with all of his previous relationships. It all ended because they were never sure of his feelings towards them."
He sighed, letting me digest the story. Now that I think about it, I hardly know anything about him, and the thought saddened me a bit.
I couldn't believe that such horrible things have happened to him in the past. I've never been in a relationship, nor have I ever fallen in love, so I don't really understand anything. But if so many things happened, wouldn't that hurt a lot? He must be sad … because … he may be strict, and arrogant and sometimes harsh, but … he's not a cold blooded person. He doesn't lie. If I got annoying, he would complain. But he stays by my side all the way through.
It would be so nice if I could fall in love, understand and share his pain, and cheer him up somehow. That's what I thought.
I looked up at Hughes, suddenly thankful to him for letting me get to know Roy better. "I think I understand now," I said slowly, "why he acts the way he does. You're right. He's not a bad person."
Hughes stood up, helping me to my feet. "Well, that's all for today. Would you like to stay for dinner?"
"Thank you, but I'd better get back, I've got a lot of work to do tomorrow."
He showed me to the door; "You know, I think you're very special to him."
My body tensed and I swallowed uneasily, feeling my heart picking up on speed. "What?"
"After what happened with her, I never thought he'd get over it. But for the first time since then, he's finally showing his emotions again. Especially when he talked about you. I can tell, he genuinely cares about you."
I stepped out of the door, thanking both him and Grecia for letting me stay as Chris volunteered to walk me out.
We spent the rest of our journey back in silence while my mind replayed the information Hughes just loaded me with. I tried to ignore his last comment, telling myself that there's no way I could be special to anyone. But for some reason beyond my understanding, I almost felt … happy … but how does it matter what he thinks of me? Do I care that much about him?
Yes, Emma. The voices whispered in my head. Yes you do.
.
.
I waited until it was dark before knocking on his door. One reason was because I know he doesn't usually come back to his room until late at night, and another was to give myself plenty of time to think about things through. Even now when I'm standing right in front of his door, I was still feeling nervous. But too late, I had already knocked, so all I could do was stand on the other side and pray he's not in.
Unfortunately, the door opened just as I was about to leave. I took a deep breath and faced him, putting on my best 'normal' facial expressions.
"Payton, shouldn't you be resting? You've got work to do tomorrow." Roy's voice was emotionless, I had no way of telling whether he was in a good mood or not.
"I, uh, heard you helped Chris find somewhere to stay." I said obtusely, "thanks, I guess."
"Don't mention it," he said in the same voice.
I realised he was waiting for me to say something, so I racked my brain trying to find something less awkward to talk to him about. Why was I here in the first place? Did I just feel like seeing him after hearing the story from Hughes?
"Was there anything else?" He crossed his arms, eyeing me curiously.
Go on, Emma. Just ask him! "Umm … yes, actually. I believe you know Maes Hughes … I actually went to see him today."
He nodded, waiting for me to get to my point.
I swallowed, looking up so that I'm staring into his eyes. "He told me about … what happened with you and … the girl … a couple of years ago…" My voice trailed off as I saw how his face changed, his expressions resembling something close to pain. It was only for a second though, and they were gone the next, but I know I didn't imagine it.
"I don't understand," I continued before he could stop me, "why didn't you ever confess your feelings? And don't tell me you didn't love her, I know you did. You must have."
He stared at me hard and the look in his eyes almost made me flinch. "No, Payton, I didn't. And it's none of your business anyway." He replied coldly, ready to close the door.
I jammed my foot in before he could shut it and held it open, refusing to let the matter go. "I don't understand anything, but I know it must have been painful. Why won't you admit that you really cared for her? That you loved her?"
His grip loosened on the door handle and approached me slowly until we were nearly touching. "Because I didn't," his eyes wavered for a moment but quickly regained its hardness. "Hughes had no right to tell you anything. You're right, you don't understand, so just stay out of it."
The coldness in his voice surprised me, but I was too stubborn to back down. "Then make me understand. You're going to be stuck with me for God knows how long, so you might as well. I'm actually glad Hughes told me, because it feels like I got to know you a bit more now."
"I don't want you to understand, nor do I want you to get any closer to me. So just do me a favour and forget everything he told you." His voice softened a fraction and he backed away. "We're catching the first train leaving tomorrow, go to sleep."
I removed my foot from the door hinge as it shut in my face. His words stung but I also felt another kind of pain. For a moment there, he looked so sad and lost that I was almost angry at myself for being unable to relieve his pain.
Funnily enough, I didn't get any sleep that night.
.
So as promised, it's saturday and here's a new chapter! I'm finally going to post regularly again. Been a hectic week here for me, and writing has been my only escape lol.
Hope everyone is still enjoying the story - if you have any suggestions or criticisms then please share them. The whole point is for you guys to enjoy the story, so if you feel something is missing do tell me and I will try my best to fix it :D Also, sorry for the extreme amount of angst - as I said, my week has been really bad and I guess my writing sort of reflects it :/
xxx