Author's Note: Thank you to all who have reviewed. I look all the time to see if I have new reviews beause it really motivates me and encourages me that I'm not totally off my wall here. I just want to give a warning for those who are reading, this chapter (like the others) is dealing with pretty heavy stuff. There is going to be violence, so parental guidance is recommended ;) Thank you again for all those who have reviewed, and please continue.
As much as I didn't want to leave Sea City, I was glad to return home. I enjoyed the long carefree days, the beach, the ocean and the sun but a part of me just wanted to back into the swing of things. One of the first things I decided to do after we unpacked was to call work to find out when my next shift was. I figured that as luck would have it I would have to work at opening on my first official day back. I called when Cary left to get groceries.
"Hey, it's Kristy Thomas," I said when I got through to my supervisor, Diane.
"Hey girlie," she answered, "How was your trip?"
"It was fun. I have a nice tan now," I laughed, "Anyway, just calling to see when my next shift was." There was a silence on the other end.
"Um, Kristy, when Cary came in to book off his two weeks, he told us you were resigning," Diane said.
"What?" I must have heard her wrong.
"I'm sorry, Kristy. I know Cary is your boyfriend, so I figured it was legit," Diane said, "But if wires were crossed, well, I don't think we have any openings but I'll see what I can do."
"No, no," I said quickly, "That's fine. I'm the one who is sorry. I hate to think you'd think I would leave on those terms."
"Cary said you'd come in yourself but you were busy with the trip. Are you sure you don't want me to see if I can you back in? It wouldn't be like before but until there is something?"
"No thanks, Diane. I'll talk to you later," I hung up the phone, stunned. How could Cary do that to me? What more, he didn't even tell me! I paced around the apartment until he came home. It seemed to take forever. I couldn't believe he would do that. There must be some horrible misunderstanding. Maybe he said I was requesting the time off and they thought I was quitting. He wouldn't have done something like that. I just couldn't believe it. Finally he came home.
"I called work," I said, as I grabbed a couple of bags from his hands, "Diane got the message that I quit," I began to take the food out and put it on the counter. He didn't reply, "Apparently, you told them that I didn't want to return after my holidays. I have a real hard time believing that."
"Do you?" Cary asked, grabbing the bread and putting in it in the fridge, "The way you are talking, it sounds like you believe I would do something like that."
"I doubt you would," I replied, grabbing the jar of peanut butter and putting it away, "It's just weird they got that impression, that's all. Either way, there is no work for me now." Cary stood in front of me, preventing me from grabbing something else to put away.
"Kristy, seriously, do you think I would quit for you?" he asked, "This is what I was talking about in Sea City. You keep expecting the worse from me. I can see it in how you talk, how you try to dance around certain issues. You keep thinking I'm going to turn back into that monster. Now you think I would try and control your life like that?" Immediately I felt bad. Diane was a bit of an air head. She often got her messages confused. I remember one day I didn't get a break because she thought I had gone already. It wasn't unusual for me to check over my hours to make sure I got paid enough. Diane was nice enough; just she made a lot of errors. I hugged Cary.
"I'm a doofus," I said, "I know you wouldn't do anything like that. Thinking anything else would be foolish." Cary squeezed me, resting his chin on top of my head.
"Guess this means you'll be out looking for work now," he said, "Bringing home the bread is up to me now." He kissed the top of my head and we returned to putting away the food.
"Cary," I started, grabbing a couple of the apples to put in the crisper, "I don't always expect the worse from you. I do believe in you and trust you," I hesitated, trying to find the right words. For a moment I thought how proud Charlie would be of me. He was always telling me I needed to think before I spoke. I knew saying what I was thinking wouldn't go over well. I doubted saying, "It's actually you who thinks the worse of me and it's not like you haven't reverted back to the man you once were." No, I had to say it tactfully. He touched my arm after I put away the fruit.
"It's like what I was talking about in Sea City," he said, "We haven't quite moved past what happened. We keep saying we want to start fresh but I can see it in your face that you haven't let go. I struggle too," he pulled me close into his arms. I rested my head against his chest, "We'll work on it. Just you and me."
We decided that the next couple of days we would focus on us. We turned off the cell phone and spent the first day at home. We talked about our future and what we wanted from life. Cary confessed he was trying to save money to buy an engagement ring. We talked about having children. We talked about moving away from Stoneybrook and starting fresh somewhere else. It was nice to know we still wanted the same things. It was reassuring to know we both wanted each other in our lives, despite our past.
We talked about our friends, both present and past. I confessed that I missed Mary Anne's friendship and that I wondered how she was doing in New York. I hoped the city of her dreams was everything she wanted it to be. I wondered how Stacey was treating her. We talked about Dawn and her path. Cary wondered if it would be wise to cut ties to her. He thought she was dangerous and she may even try to get me involved in her new lifestyle. I laughed it off, saying it would be a cold day in hell before that happened. I wondered how long it would take for Sharon and Richard to catch on to what their daughter was doing. We talked about Alan and his friendship with Cary. He admitted it was still rocky between them. Despite how they acted like best buds, Cary knew Alan was still into me. I asked if it matter, since I wasn't into Alan at all. It mattered to Cary, however. He wanted a friend he could trust and he wouldn't put it past Alan to put the moves on me.
Later that evening, we talked about our past. I told him about the kiss with Alan and how confused I was. I told him it hasn't meant anything, I was probably drunk. Cary forgave me. We talked about what happened in Sea City and we renewed our promises to start fresh with each other. We made love that night and with each breath we whispered how much we loved each other.
After that, Cary fell asleep. He snored quietly beside me. I couldn't sleep. I stared at the ceiling, thinking. I love him. I love him. I love him. How many times did I whisper that in his ear? How many times did he whisper it back? How many times that day did I feel like that exactly where I was supposed to be? So why did I feel so uneasy? I looked over at Cary. The sheets were gathered at his hips, showing his chest. I loved him. I love him. I rolled over and grabbed my cell phone. It told me it was three in the morning. I grabbed a shirt and walked out to the living room. I needed to talk to someone. I needed a friend. I flipped open the cell, my fingers debating between Dawn and Mary Anne. Would Mary Anne even talk to me? I pushed the green talk button, hoping that she didn't change her phone number. She wouldn't be happy to be woken up at this hour but I needed to talk to her. I had to talk to someone.
"Hello?" Mary Anne answered, sounding perfectly awake.
"Hey," I said, quietly. I looked down the hall, hoping I wouldn't wake Cary up. I probably wouldn't. He was usually a sound sleeper.
"Kristy?" Mary Anne sounded surprised, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I said, "I missed you. We never got to talk things out."
"It's three in the morning."
"I know."
"What's wrong? Is it Cary? Did he hurt you again?"
"It's not like that, Mary Anne," I said, sighing, "I love him. He loves me. He's changed."
"Then why didn't you tell me you moved in together? Why keep it from me? Why call me so late at night if nothing is wrong?" Mary Anne asked, "Kristy, I know you. I know you wouldn't be calling unless something was wrong. I also know you aren't the same Kristy you used to be. You used to be strong and now you let him control you. You would have never let me go to New York without talking to me. You would have called the next day and asked how things were with me and Stacey. You wouldn't be avoiding the topic, like you are now. Tell me, what has he been doing?"
"It's nothing," I insisted, "Things are better than before. He's such a great man, Mary Anne, he really is. We get along so great."
"But?"
"But he still doesn't trust me," I whispered, "He hit me again. I don't want him to be that man. I know he can be so different."
"Kristy, you have to face the fact that he is that man. He won't change over night. He can't. He may love you. He probably does but there is also something very wrong with him. If he loved you, like you ought to be loved then you wouldn't be up at three in the morning calling me. You wouldn't feel so confused. It would feel right."
"It does," I said.
"But not all the time, does it?" I didn't say anything for a moment. Tears steamed down my face silently. I hated that she was right. I hated that she was confirming my fears.
"I don't want to lose him, Mary Anne. I can't. I love him. I have never felt like this before."
"I know," she paused, "Stacey and I aren't together anymore. We are still roomies and we are actually public friends. We regularly go out for coffee but that's it. When I moved in here, I had a choice. I loved Stacey. I really did. I loved how I felt when I was with her and I loved how she made me feel. When she was the girlfriend I wanted her to be, she was the woman of my dreams. Stacey wasn't that girl all the time. As much as I wanted her to change, she would always be Stacey. I had a decision to make. Either I could allow myself to be used like that or I could end it. If it was meant to be, she'd respect that. She wouldn't try to force her way back into my life. She would work on being the girl she knew I deserved. Stacey isn't ready for that level of commitment yet. It's better for both of us. Maybe in the future, when she is ready, we'll try again but in the meantime, we make good friends.
"What I'm trying to say is, maybe that's what it needs to be with you and Cary right now. Maybe you can't be in that relationship, not yet. If it was meant to be, you'll get back together. He will be that man you know that is in there. If it's not, well, Kristy you have to get away from him before he destroys you. You know what he is capable of. This is your decision, Kristy," Mary Anne paused, "I'm going to be stick by you with this one. No matter what you decide, I will be there for you."
"Thank you," I whispered, "I don't know what I'll do. I love him so much but-" Suddenly the phone was taken from my hand. Cary grabbed it and threw it across the room. The light died as it hit the wall. Cary glared at me.
"Cary," I said, "I was just-" He cut me off again.
"I heard. 'He hit me again,'" he mimicked me. His voice was so cold, "The second I leave you alone, you run and call for help? Was tonight all a joke for you?" He stood right in my face, "Maybe you liked it when I forced myself on you, since this means nothing." He grabbed my arm and tossed me on the couch. He pulled my shirt up and climbed on top of me.
"Cary!" I cried, "No! It wasn't like that at all! I love you!" He slapped me across the face.
"That means nothing when you go calling whoever and telling them our secrets!" he snarled, "Tell me, Kristy, when I woke up, were you going to kick me out? Tell me it was over? That it was fun but you just didn't feel it anymore?"
"No!" I sobbed, "But it's moments like this that scares me! Cary! Please!" He hit again. I knew it would leave a mark.
"There wouldn't be moments like this if it weren't for you!" he said, "I love you, Kristen Amanda Thomas. I love you so much! I don't ever want to lose you," he pulled me into an awkward embrace, "You do things like this and I think I'm going to lose you. I need you." I didn't say anything. I was trying to calm down and stop crying. If he was so afraid, why did he keep doing these things? Why did he keep hitting me? He stood up and walked over to the phone. He picked it up. I pulled my knees close to me and tried to make myself as small as I could. My face throbbed from where he hit me. He knelt next to me.
"Your phone seems fine," he said, "The battery just fell out," he paused and touched my arm, "Kristy, talk to me?"
"How can I still love you when you act like this?" I whispered, "How can I still want to be with you when you hurt me so much?" He looked so sad and he wrapped his arm around me. His anger had disappeared and was replaced with regret.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I am so sorry."
"I've heard that before," I responded, pulling myself into a tighter ball.
My left cheek was discoloured in the morning. I could see the bruise underneath. My eyes were red from crying and my hair hung limp around my face, as if it had just barely survived the battle too. I stared at myself in the mirror. Neither of us had fixed the battery on my phone. I knew Mary Anne would be trying to call back. She would probably be imagining the worse. She would probably be right. I wondered if she would call and talk to Dawn, just to make sure I was okay. I sighed. Dawn and everyone were coming back from Sea City today. I knew they would want to come over and tell us about the rest of the trip but I wasn't in the mood to talk to people. I definitely wasn't in the mood to play with the cover-ups to hide the bruise.
Cary came into the bathroom and touched my cheek. He winced.
"Kristy," I held up my hand, silencing him. I'm so sorry.
"I know," I said, not wanting to hear it. It didn't change anything. The bruise was still on my face. He still hit me last night. He totally lost it. I looked into his brown eyes. I didn't know what to say to him. What could I say to him? I left the bathroom. He followed me.
"Kristy, we have to talk about this," he said. No, we really didn't. I could continue to avoid it. I went back to the living room. I had finally cried myself to sleep on the couch last night.
"It can't happen again," I said, trying to make my voice sound strong, "It simply can't. I won't be your punching bag anymore. I love you but we can't keep doing this." Cary sat down next to me and took my head. He rubbed a spot on my hand with this thumb.
"I know," he said, "Things will change," he squeezed my hand, "I'd die without you in my life," he looked at me and smiled, "We'll both work on this."
Cary made breakfast. I tried to push everything behind me. I told myself it was the last time. If it ever got close to anything like that again, I was gone. I would heal from a broken heart. Even if I didn't and I spent the rest of my life alone, it would be fine. I knew I couldn't allow Cary to continue hurting me like that. I couldn't allow myself to continue to be a battered woman. I wasn't going to allow myself to be weak. Mary Anne's words of how I changed haunted me. It bothered me that I was being seen as weak. I wasn't going to be weak anymore. I was making a decision and I was going to stick with it.
By the time breakfast was over, I found myself relaxing some. The tension between us was fading. We fixed my cell phone. I had a couple of text messages from Mary Anne, begging me to call her back. Cary didn't say anything. I quickly responded that my phone battery died and I needed to recharge it. I promised to call her later. I knew I wouldn't. I didn't want to lie to Mary Anne about what happened and I knew, despite her promise to stick by me, she would be disappointed by my decision to stay with Cary.
The next few weeks were weird. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I think Cary felt the same. We were trying to put the past couple of weeks behind us. We tried to act as if nothing happened. It took a while for me to relax in Cary's arms and I know he flinched every time he saw my face. As the bruises faded, we began to interact normally again. I could almost pretend everything was normal between us.
It was weird for him to go to work while I stayed at home. I had made my resume to send out but I needed copies of it. Cary took my USB key with him so he could make copies. Every day so far he had forgotten. The days were long and boring. Claudia and Dawn were back in school, and Erica was attending Stoneybrook University. I didn't feel close enough to call up Austin to hang out and hanging out with Alan seemed out of the question. It wasn't that I couldn't hang out with him, but at the present moment hanging out with just the two of us seemed to inviting trouble. So I became the perfect housewife and a part of me hated me because of it.
I hated not going to school or work. I hated not doing anything with myself. Cary would wrap his arms around me and promise me that the next day he would make the copies for me. When I offered to do it myself, he would kiss my forehead and said that he was near the copier store and that he would do it.
One day I was bored to tears. It wasn't like me to sit there and do nothing. I knew the television would provide me no entertainment so I decided to leave the apartment early and try to convince Dawn or Claudia to skip a day. I knew it wouldn't be hard to do that. I took the bus to Stoneybrook High and waited for them by the front doors, knowing they would sneak in the last second. I was right.
"Kris!" Dawn screamed and ran up to me, wrapped herself around me in a hug. I felt bad. I hadn't called or hang out with them since they came back from Sea City, almost three weeks ago.
"I almost thought Cary had eaten you alive," Claudia said, smiling, "You two have been wrapped in each other, eh?" I shrugged.
"Just focusing on us," I said, "We realised we have been distracted by a lot of other things lately." Dawn smiled at me.
"Whatever! You are here now," she put her arm around my shoulder and led me away from the school, "Where shall we go?" Claudia followed us.
"Anywhere!" she cried, "Not here!" We left the school property, laughing. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, just by seeing my friends. We began walking, without a plan in mind.
"Mary Anne called me last night," Dawn announced, "She invited me up this weekend to see her new apartment. She also wants me- get this- meet her girlfriend!" Claudia tripped on her feet.
"Mary Anne is a fucking lesbian?" she cried. The three of us were so loud.
"Apparently, so," Dawn said, flipping her blonde hair off her shoulder, "Sharon and Richard darlings don't know so she asked me to keep it a secret," Dawn looked at me, "Aren't you shocked? I mean, Mary Anne likes the girlies! Oh! She's sickening happy with this one too! Apparently they met in some intro to psych class and just clicked. Something about being out of Serendipity, they apparently were grabbing the same book and whatever. I spaced during the details but her name is Ashley and Mary Anne wants me to meet her."
"You going to go?" I asked, wonderin why I didn't get any notice of Mary Anne's new girlfriend. We had made up. I pushed the logical answer out of my head. I never did call her back.
"Totally," Dawn said, "I get a free weekend in New York! Just imagine the clubs!"
"Yeah," Claudia grumbled, obviously still upset about Mary Anne, "Just imagine all the money you can make." Dawn sighed, her smile disappearing.
"Whatever, Claud," she said, "I'm not going to let you ruin this for me."
"What?" I asked, looking between the two of them, "Did I miss something?"
"Lots," Dawn said, then took off running to the park on Locust Avenue. She ran to the swings and began to swing, pumping herself high into the air. Claudia and I walked over. Claudia sat down on the swing, still pouting. I wondered what her deal was.
"Erica and Austin are offically over," Dawn said, as she swung past me, "Erica decided that she actually wants to do well in University and didn't need Austin's drunkiness and cravings for sex to distract her. Austin called her stuck up. So don't expect Erica to hang around with us for the next while," Dawn suddenly jumped off the swing and landed on the grass. As she stood up, I noticed grass stains on her jeans. She didn't seem to care, "Claud and Alan have hooked up. Again. That happened in Sea City but didn't share until last week. Our dear artist is in a funk because Alan actually wants a relationship and Claudia doesn't know if she can give that to him."
"Oh shut up, Dawn," Claudia said, "It's not that at all. Alan is just Alan, you know? I have an amazing time with him. He's like one of my best friends. I can tell him anything but when it comes down to it, I just don't see myself with him forever. I don't see him being the One. How can I commit myself to a relationship when I knew it's going to end?"
"Then don't," I replied. I laid down on the grass, shading my eyes with the sun, "Don't limit yourself and don't string him along."
"If it was always that easy, Kristy," Claudia said, "I don't want to hurt him. Plus it's not like I don't have feelings for him. I have all these unresolved feelings for him and I feel wonderful whenever we hook up but it's the long term I have trouble seeing."
"You'll both get over the heartbreak," I said, "You may be blocking someone amazing from coming into your life by tying yourself up with Alan." Claudia nodded, looking glum.
"Next topic please!" Dawn proclaimed, "Kristy, what have you been doing? I went by the store and was told you aren't working there anymore." I told her about the store's misunderstanding and how I was looking for work. The topic of my life quickly died. I had nothing to report. I barely left the apartment for the past three weeks.
Suddenly my cell phone buzzed. I pulled it out of my pocket.
"Where are you?" It was a text from Cary.
"With D & C," I responded and put the phone back in my pocket. Dawn, clearly bored, began to tell a story about something that happened at school the other day.
"What? I didn't know you were going out," Cary sent another message. Half listening to Dawn's story, I typed my reply back.
"Last minute plans. Got bored in the apartment. Be home by the time you are."
"I got out of work early. I wanted to do something special for you."
"Aww. Cary, you are so sweet. I'll be home in a few hours, okay?"
"I guess. I just really want to see you." Dawn tapped my shoulder.
"Hey, spacey, when you are going to pay attention to my story?" she snapped.
"I was listening," I said. She rolled her eyes.
"Argh, Kris. You are so wrapped up with your lover boy," she grabbed my cell from my hand and quickly typed out a message to Cary. She kept twisting, preventing me from getting it from her. I finally grabbed it as she hit sent. "Making out with hot boy. Come back later," it read.
"Dawn!" I cried, "How could you do that?" I jumped to my feet. How long would it take to get home, I wondered.
"Relax, Kris. He'll get it's a joke," Dawn said.
"I got to go," I said, and began to jog off the field.
"Kristy!" I heard my friends call. I ignored them. I had no way to contact Cary. He was probably texting from the cellular company's webpage. When I responded back, I knew the messages were going to his email inbox.
As I ran, I punched in "That was Dawn. I'm on my way home." I kept checking my cell every few seconds for a response but Cary didn't answer. I pushed myself faster. I wasn't looking forward to going home but I knew I had to clean this up before it blew out of control.
As I ran, I wasn't sure what was worse. The fact that I was so worried about how Cary was going to react or how I had to worry how he was going to react and how I ran from my friends. I also know you aren't the same Kristy you used to be. You used to be strong and now you let him control you. Mary Anne's words echoed in my head. I thought about who I used to be. I could barely remember a time without Cary in my life. Were things always like this? I remember there would be time in grade ten when I was cancel plans with Mary Anne to hang out with Cary or I would skip the occasional practice to be with him. Did it start back then? Or did I simply want to be with him? Were things so different between us? We always used to get physical with each other. We used to wrestle all the time. Was that just a different form of what was going on now?
Or was it completely different because I was terrified of what I was going walk into once I got home? Would he hit me? Would he listen to me? Or did he have it in his mind that I was cheating on him? Would he call me a slut? Would he try to reclaim his dominance over me? I hated thinking like this. This was Cary, for Pete's sake! I could trust him. I loved him. He was my best friend. He was the only one who understood me, who would listen to me. Why was I so afraid now? Was I really as weak as Mary Anne said?
I came home, my heart pounding. Cary had turned off the computer and was sitting in the living room when I burst through the door.
"Cary!" I cried, "Please!" He looked at me.
"I bet it was Dawn, wasn't it?" he asked, "It seems like her stupid style of fun." I guessed he didn't get my last message. I walked over to him and sat next to him on the couch.
"It was Dawn," I said, hesitantly. He took my hand and smiled at me.
"This is me working on trusting you more," he said, "I believed you when you said you were with the girls. I believe that you won't cheat on me. Can I have you trust me that I'm not going to lose it?" I lowered my eyes, feeling ashamed. Nothing would change in my mind if I didn't believe him. I thought about my decision to myself, if he ever hit me again. That's was the problem. I kept thinking he would. I kept expecting the worse from him. It was just like before, how I jumped to the wrong conclusion. I rested my head on his shoulder. How could I ever hope we moved past the dark days in our relationship if I kept walking around with an umbrella over my head? I felt bad, so I leaned over and kissed him. He put his arm around me. He trusted me. I didn't need to panic. I curled up with him, breathing deeply, telling myself that I was just being silly.
Cary seemed like two different men. Some days he was the king of romance. He would take me to dinner, buy me tickets to a local baseball game, and just generally romance me. He was kind, considerate and loving. He would hold me, comfort me and we would have fun. One autumn day we took a walk in the park. The next thing I knew we were wrestling each other, throwing leaves at each other. We were laughing to hard that we were crying. I remember looking at him, thinking it was like the other part of him didn't exist at all. It was moments like that were the reasons I stuck around.
Cary had a darker side that he was constantly struggling with. He was trying to make amends with his family, but they would have nothing to do with him. I heard his mother on the phone one night telling him that he would never change. He would always be like his father. She told him that he was destined to be like his father, an abuser who would end up in jail. She would never let him around her children again. Cary cried that night. He seemed so broken. I couldn't imagine how it would feel to be so utterly rejected from my mother. I held him close, telling he was nothing like his father. Cary stroked my cheek, remembering past bruises and whispered that he was just like his father. He pulled me close, saying he never wanted to hurt me, he loved me and he didn't want to lose me.
Yet he struggled with his dark side. I knew things were happening around me that were warning signs but I also saw how hard he fought it. Things like he told me that he liked the idea of me not working, then he knew I was safe. He continued to say that he didn't like it when I worked so late, sometimes practically on my own. He knew that there could be some shady characters come in and he didn't like me exposed to them. It felt to me at first it was more of so he knew where I was but I also understood what he meant. There had been the occasional time I had worked until midnight, or later, and buses weren't running then. I would have to walk home. I knew I could take care of myself and that Stoneybrook was relatively safe, but the worry was still there.
Another was when he started taking my cell phone with him to work. It started off innocently enough, saying he needed to make a few phone calls. After that he started taking it with him every day. I never said anything but it felt controlling in some ways. He had limited my way to contact others.
Or another was the fact that we started hanging out with Dawn and the others less and less. I wasn't sure whose fault that was. Dawn was getting caught up in her world. She was skipping school and had started failing her courses. I knew, from the rare time I talked with Claudia, that her parents were extremely worried. She would come home at all hours of the night and she often talked with Claudia about getting her own apartment. Finishing high school didn't seem like a priority to her anymore. She was losing control. I didn't know how to help her. None of us did.
I noticed all these little things Cary would do, as if he was trying to keep his eye on me, waiting for me to mess up. He would make snarky comments. He always needed to be with me. The only time I had alone was when he was at work. Yet he would present these comments in a strange package. Like the need to be with me, he would present it that he missed me and just wanted to be with me. It confused me. I wanted to believe what he was saying but I couldn't deny what I was feeling.
I hardly slept at night. There were times I wondered if I was losing my mind and wonder why didn't I just leave if I felt like this? Cary would understand, if it was meant to be. This apartment was driving me insane. I was driving myself insane. It was worse than last time. Before that fateful night, I was in complete denial. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I believed he was having just an off day. Day after day, event after event was just a bad day. He wasn't really like that. Now, I wasn't so sure. I didn't feel so strong in my convictions that Cary wasn't really a bad man, that he wasn't really crushing my spirit. I hated thinking like that but sometimes, after an argument with him, I didn't know what else to think. I knew I had to make a decision but I never knew the right answer. There was something nagging me, asking me what if I was wrong? What if I was being over sensitive? What if I was giving up the man of my dreams over something we could work through together? How could I be so cold to abandon him?
It was two weeks before Thanksgiving and I was feeling stir crazy. I hadn't left the apartment in over a week. I hated being stuck in the apartment. I didn't have my cell so I couldn't call anyone to see if they wanted to go out for a few hours. We were low on cash, due to the fact I wasn't working, so we stopped our internet service. I waited, impatiently, for Cary to come home. By the time he got home, I was feeling snappish.
"Let's go out tonight," I said, as soon as he walked through the door.
"I have to work early in the morning," he said, taking off his shoes. I heaved a big sigh.
"Cary, I'm in the apartment all day. I'm bored!" I exclaimed. I was in a whiny mood.
"I worked all day," he replied, "I'm tired. I was looking forward to coming home and cuddling with you. I was looking forward to spend some time with my girl. I missed you so much today." He pulled me close for a kiss. I moved out of his hold, not wanting to stand still. I was bored. I was restless.
"Please?" I asked, "Just for a couple of hours. Or you stay here and I'll call Dawn or Claud or someone. I just need to get out of here. I'm losing my mind." I was practically jumping from foot to foot, acting like how Karen would. Cary frowned for a moment then pulled me into a warm embrace. He kissed me sweetly.
"Let's stay home," he whispered in my ear, his hands travelling under my shirt. I pulled away.
"Let's go out," I repeated. A look of annoyance past through his face.
"We aren't going out tonight," he said, sitting on the couch, "I want to rest. We'll go out this weekend." He grabbed the TV remote and began to flip through the channels. I wasn't content and grabbed my cell phone from his coat pocket. I began to dial Dawn's number. She was always up for something. Next thing I knew Cary grabbed the phone from my hand and whipped it across the room.
"Kristy, are you hard of hearing?" he snarled. I glared at him.
"No. You want to stay home. That's fine. I'm going out," I tried to pass him but he grabbed my arm. I pulled back, trying to get free but failed. With a quick moment, he had me pinned against the wall.
"We are staying home," he said, staring into my eyes. I took a deep breath, telling myself to calm down. He needed to calm down too.
"Stay home," I said, "but it's unfair to expect me to stay home 24/7. I'll be back in a few hours."
"So it's unfair to expect my girlfriend to want to spend time with me? It's unfair to expect my girlfriend to stay home and be happy when I come home? It's unfair to expect her to not want to escape the moment the damn door is opened!" he cried.
"You have it all wrong!" I protested. He grabbed me by the hair and threw me to the ground. I landed on my stomach. I started to get up and he kicked me back down. I tried to roll to get out of his way but he placed his foot on my back. I was pinned again. He pushed down, making it impossible for me to get out from under him.
"Cary!" I screamed, "Let me go!" He knelt down, his foot still on my back.
"So you can run away?" he hissed. He grabbed my hair and yanked, forcing me to look at him.
"I do so much for you, Kristy and this is how you repay me." He flipped me over on my back.
"Cary!" I cried again, "Don't do this!" He laughed bitterly.
"Bitch," he spat then punched me in the face. I was shocked as my face exploded in pain but he wasn't done yet. Twice, three times he hit me. I saw black stars dancing in front of my eyes. I blinked fast, trying to clear my head. He stopped and walked back to the couch.
"Fucking bitch," he said again. I pulled my knees up to my chest, my side aching where he had kicked me. I didn't want to move yet, I still felt so dizzy. I wondered if I had a slight concussion. I felt so exhausted at that moment. I pulled myself into a tighter ball, as my eyes dropped shut. Maybe I'd wake up and find out this was a horrible dream.
It wasn't. I woke up, still on the floor. The living room was dark, only the dim moonlight was coming through the windows. I saw up slowing. My whole body ached. My side hurt from his kick. I rolled up my shirt, gently, and saw a faint bruise. My face hurt the most. I gingerly touched it, feeling dried blood. My lip, I knew, had spilt open. I looked around for Cary. I didn't see him. Carefully I stood up and walked to the bathroom. The light hurt my eyes but I needed to see what he had done. I looked at my side first, afraid to see my face. A black bruise greeted me. I touched it lightly and winced. I had gotten injuries in the past from playing sports, but nothing hurt quite like that one. Finally I looked in the mirror. Both eyes were blackened from the punches. My lip looked terrible. I looked pale and sickly. I looked like someone who was beaten. I was someone who was beaten.
Memories flashed back from that fateful night. I told him I just wanted to go home and do some homework. He smiled and told me how hot I looked in that little skirt. He pushed me on the bed, kissing me. I smiled but told him I couldn't. I needed to try to catch up. He told me I was such a tease, coming to his home looking like that. Didn't I understand he had needs? He kissed me again, I struggled from him, telling him no. He grabbed my wrists, holding them above my head with his one hand, while the other pulled down my underwear. I wanted to scream but instead I begged him not to do this. He kissed me again, still holding my hands up, saying that I wanted this. Why else would I have come to his place? He whispered in my ear that I was his little slut. He undid his pants. He was already hard. I couldn't believe that he was turned on by this. I was crying, still begging him to stop. He didn't.
I remembered how he looked tonight. Anger flashed in his eyes. He was like someone I didn't recognize. Again he held me down and did whatever he wanted. I stared at myself in the mirror. I didn't look like Kristy Thomas. I looked like some pathetic girl who was lost. I also know you aren't the same Kristy you used to be. You used to be strong and now you let him control you. Cary had destroyed me. I had to get out of here.
The bathroom door opened and Cary stepped in.
"I didn't want to move you," he whispered, "I was so afraid. Are you okay?"
"Leave me alone," I said. I tried to push past him but he touched my arm. I flinched. Apparently I had another bruise there, "I just want to go to bed." Cary looked hurt but nodded. I went into the bedroom and crawled into bed, leaving my clothes on. I couldn't leave yet. I didn't want to try. I had to wait and plan it out.
Cary followed me into the bedroom and crawled into bed. He inched closer to me slowly until he was right behind me and wrapped his arm around me. I tried to pretend I was asleep. We both knew I wasn't.
"Kristy," he whispered, his voice barely audible, "I'm so sorry. The words don't even mean enough anymore. I'm just losing myself. I need you. I can't keep going without you. Please don't leave me. Please." I didn't answer. I found myself getting drowsy again. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the pain, trying to ignore the fact that Cary was behind me, trying to forget everything.
I didn't wake up until morning, when Cary got out of bed. I stayed still until he was about ready to leave for work. He kissed me gently on the head. I still didn't move.
"Kristy," he said, with a sigh, "I'm so sorry. We'll talk tonight, okay?" I laid in the bed until I heard the door shut behind him. I still didn't move. I still ached. My eyes were sensitive to the light. I didn't want to move but I knew I had to. I had to leave before Cary came back. I forced myself to get up and shower. The hot water only soothed my sore body a bit. I dressed in a pair of blue jeans which were too big for me and a large t-shirt. I grabbed my coat and threw my still wet hair in a ponytail, covering it with a hat. I grabbed my keys and wallet and left the apartment. As I walked down the hall, I wondered where I would go. I had no money. I couldn't go to Claudia or Dawn, without explaining the whole story. I couldn't go home. I couldn't face my parents like this. My head still felt woozy.
Mary Anne. The thought entered my head. I could call Mary Anne. I pulled out my wallet and checked my change. I had just enough for a quick call. I found a payphone and quickly dropped the change in, praying Mary Anne would be there.
"Hey, Ash, you called early," Mary Anne purred into the phone.
"Mary Anne," my voice cracked as I tried to choke back a sob.
"Kristy?" Mary Anne asked, immediately sounding alarmed, "Are you okay?"
"No," I whispered, barely getting the words out.
"What happened?" I didn't answer right away, "Where are you?"
"By the mall," I said, "Mary Anne…" I couldn't finish my sentence as I began to cry. The tears burned down my face.
"Stay where you are," Mary Anne commanded, "Ashley and I will be down as soon as we can."
"Thank you," I whispered.
"Actually, go into the mall," Mary Anne commanded. I could hear her running, "Sit at the food court. We'll be there as soon as possible." I hang up the phone and walked like a zombie into the mall. I pulled my hood over my head, trying to hide my screwed up face. Tears streamed down my face and as hard as I tried to control my tears, they wouldn't stop.
The two hours dragged by. I felt so paranoid. Why if Cary came here? What if he left early and saw that I had left? What would he do? I kept walking around the mall, trying to prevent myself from crying. I never felt so low in my life. A part of me wanted to die. Finally, I saw Mary Anne and an unfamiliar girl. I started to walk over then stopped. Maybe I could avoid them. They didn't have to see how bad things had gotten. They didn't need to know. I could just disappear.
"Kristy!" Mary Anne cried, running towards me. I lowered my head, wanting to hide. She ran over to me and wrapped me in a tight hug. I winced, my bruises protesting. I looked at her. She seemed horrified at first then hugged me again. I could hear her cry.
"Oh, Kristy, I'm so sorry," she whispered. The other girl, who I assumed was Ashley, touched Mary Anne's arm.
"This probably isn't the best place to do this," she said, "Let's go back to the car?" I followed them to a black VW Beetle. I crawled into the backseat, pulling my knees up as close to me as possible. Ashley sat in the driver's seat, while Mary Anne twisted around to talk to me from the passenger's side.
"Kristy, what happened?" she asked. Tears welled up in my eyes again.
"Cary," I whispered, "I just wanted to go out. I hadn't been out of the apartment in weeks and he lost it. He started hitting me and hitting me," I started to sob again.
"What are you going to do?" she asked. I took a deep breath, trying to regain control. What did it matter? I had lost control of everything else.
"What can I do?" I asked, "I can't stay in the apartment with him but I have no where to go. I have no money. I've alienated myself entirely." I closed my eyes, wishing for sudden death. How could he have done this? How could this have happened? Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't things just have been normal? Why couldn't I have a normal relationship with Cary? Why couldn't he just love me as I loved him?
"Come back to New York with us," Ashley said. Her voice was soft. I looked up at her. She had short brown hair that framed her face in a bob, much like how Mary Anne used to have. She was very feminine, wearing a little make up that brought out her bright blue eyes. She was short and petite, like Mary Anne was. She seemed like my best friend's matching pair.
"That's an excellent idea," Mary Anne said, "Come to New York for a bit. He won't get you there. Once you have healed a bit, then we can decide what to do. Right now you need to get away from him." I nodded, agreeing to anything. Ashley and Mary Anne decided they would go back to the apartment and get my things. I would stay in the car.
Within the hour, I was in the back of the Beetle, with a couple of bags of my stuff next to me, driving down the highway to New York City. I knew within an hour or two, Cary would come home and see that I had left him. I wondered what he would do. I wondered if he would try to come after me. Did I even want him to? I didn't know what I wanted. I rested my face against the cool window and listened to Ashley and Mary Anne talk softly to each other. I closed my eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted. Within minutes I was fast asleep.