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Chapter 7
I haven't seen Nahuel in days. I haven't even heard from him. It bothered me at first, but now that Jacob and I were cool again, I didn't need Nahuel anymore.
It was really mean which is why it took me a while to admit that to myself. That I only wanted Nahuel around to help fill the hole left by Jacob when Jake was avoiding me. But now that I had Jacob, I felt as though I didn't need Nahuel.
Once I accepted this, I began to have an extreme case of the guilts. Because this was more than being mean, it was being selfish. I used Nahuel. I took advantage of him, and neither one of us realized it then.
Now I feel bad for reacting they way I did. I should have known how he felt about me. But I guess I had known; I was just denying it. I saw the way he looked at me, the way he always wanted to be close to me. I saw how even when we were just sitting and talking he would try to hold my hand. I noticed all of this, but I was scared that if I told him in the beginning that I didn't have feelings for him, he would leave and I would be alone. And so I didn't tell him, and I let him believe that we felt the same way. Like I said, selfish. And I thought I was a good person.
I feel like such an idiot. I could have stopped this, if I wasn't so egotistic. Nahuel's been there for me when not even Jacob was, and I repaid him with a slap in the face. Nice.
I sighed and rolled over in my bed. When did my life get so complicated? Why did my life get so complicated? I remember the time in my life when things were perfect. When I didn't have to worry about anything; I didn't have to make big decisions about anything. I never realized how happy I was. I never realized all the things that I've been taking for granted.
There was a knock at my door. Come in, I thought. But the door stayed closed. It must not be my father.
"Yes?" I said. The door opened slightly and I saw my mom peak her head inside.
"Can I come in, sweetie?" She asked. I nodded and she walked slowly and sat down at the edge of my bed. Looking at me for a few seconds, I saw her expression turn sympathetic. "Rough week?"
I laughed once without humor. One week. That's all it took for my life to go from bliss to despair. "You could say that."
"I know what happened," she said, her expression turning more sympathetic.
I wondered how she knew she knew what happened between Nahuel and me when I hadn't told her. I hadn't told anyone but Jacob.
She smiled slightly, knowing what I was thinking. You didn't have to be a mind reader to know a girl's thoughts. You just had to be her mother.
"Your father heard what you were thinking last night," she explained. "He still hasn't calmed down yet."
I didn't answer. But I can imagine how my dad must be reacting. He's probably tracking Nahuel right now. I don't want him to; this whole episode was my fault. If anyone should be punished, it should be me.
"I wanted to talk to you about this," she said slowly, like she was weighing each word before she spoke it.
I sighed. I really don't want to talk about anymore. I want to keep everything all to myself.
"I know you don't want to, but I think it'll make you feel better if you had someone to talk to."
But I did have someone to talk to. I had Jake. And he was all I needed for this.
"Please, sweetheart? I can help you. I know what you're going through."
My head perked up at that. She sounded like she was speaking from a personal experience. I feel like what she's saying that she herself has been through what I'm going through. Had she really?
She smiled. "It's a long story. I'll tell you it later. Right now, I want to talk about you."
I sighed and waited for her to continue.
"Well, first off, I just wanna know something," she said, slowly, hesitant. She had been looking down before but now she looked up, straight into my eyes. I was shocked for a second when I saw pain in her eyes. "Why didn't you tell us? Your father and me. How come we had to find out like this?"
I stared at her. She sounded like I hurt her when I hadn't confided in her. But I hadn't meant to hurt her.
"Even now," she continued without really giving me a chance to answer. "You're so guarded. It's like you don't trust me." I could hear the pain I caused her in her voice.
Aww, now I felt twice as guilty. I never wanted to hurt my mom. That was the very last thing I wanted to do.
"Mom, I do trust you," I reassured her. "I just wanted to be alone with this. And I knew you and Dad would find out soon, so I didn't think of it as keeping it a secret." I don't know how convincing my argument sounded to her. I just hoped it wasn't as bad as it sounded to me.
"That's not the point," she said, getting frustrated. "You should have came to us when you were hurt. We're you parents! You should always come to us!" She started to shout. It wasn't loud, but it was loud enough for me to cringe at her fierceness. She was scary when she wanted to be, but this is the first time I've been scared of her.
"Mom, I'm sorry. Really I am. I never meant to hurt you."
She sighed, as tried to calm herself. "I know, sweetie. But from now on, I want you to tell us everything, ok?"
I looked at her. She wanted me to tell them everything? Somehow, that didn't sound right. Surely, I should be able to keep things to myself at rimes, right? I'm my own person. I shouldn't have to tell my parents every little thing or risk hurting them. That didn't make sense. But despite all this, I agreed.
"Ok, Mom. I promise."
That night, my dad finally came home. I was pacing back and forth in my room, waiting anxiously for him to arrive. I kept wondering what he was doing that was taking him so long. Mom had said that when he found out about Nahuel he left, furious. I had suspected he went to find him. But he was gone all day! What could Dad be doing to Nahuel that would take all day? The possibilities were horrifying…and endless.
But finally, at 8:00 at night, I heard him come in. I ran down to meet him.
"Dad!" I said, as I ran into him. He pulled me into a hug. Looking up at him I asked, "What happened?"
My Dad looked at me. He had a blank expression. Usually this meant that he was trying to hide from me what he was really feeling. I just hoped it wasn't anger. But then I thought that it probably was anger.
"Funny, I was about to ask you the same question." His tone implied that I was in trouble.
I pulled away from him, looking at the floor when I spoke. "You already know what happened."
"Yes," he said carefully, like he was trying to control his anger. He most likely was. "I also know that you had no plans on telling your mother and me. Care to explain why?"
I sighed. This would be the same talk from this morning. I just shrugged my shoulders. I didn't want to explain myself.
"Look at me," he said, roughly. Putting his finger under my chin, he tilted my head up, so that I was looking in his eyes.
This was exactly where I didn't want to look. His eyes were hard. He was very angry.
I cringed away from him, backing up and dropping my gaze to the floor again.
All that time pacing upstairs waiting for Dad to come home, now all I want is for him to leave. I didn't want to deal with his anger.
I heard him sigh, probably in a reaction to what I just thought. I'm hurting everyone today. Mom, Dad, Nahuel…
"I'm sorry, Nessie." His voiced changed. He didn't sound angry anymore. He sounded…tired. Weird because he doesn't sleep. I looked up at him and his expression confirmed it. He looked weary. He walked to me and out his hands on my face. He kissed my forehead. "Really, I am. I just don't want anyone to hurt you."
"I know, Dad. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
"Renesmee," he said. My full name again. "I want to protect you. Do you understand that? I want to make sure that no one hurts you. But I can't do that unless you tell me everything."
"I know."
"Do you know, Nessie? Do you really? Do you understand how much I love you? Do you understand how I need you to be safe? Do you realize that I feel like my hearts being ripped out whenever someone hurts you?" He was staring to get frustrated.
"I'm sorry, Daddy. But I felt..." I didn't want to tell him, but I had to. "I felt ashamed! I shouldn't have hit him. I should have told him before that I didn't feel for him. But I didn't. I-I-" I started to cry.
Dad wrapped his arms around me. And I cried into his chest. "I'm such a bad person, Dad. How could I have been so selfish? How could I have not seen this coming?"
"Shh, Nessie no," he said. "You can't blame yourself for this. This isn't your fault."
"Why is my life so complicated?" I asked him. "Everything is so difficult now."
"I know, love," he said. "I know. But that's part of life. You're growing up. All of your challenges are going to pay off."
"How?" I asked him through my tears.
"Because, your going to grow up to be a beautiful, strong, capable, independent, woman. And I'll will always, now and then, love you and be proud to be your father."
Yay! Finally. Sweet Reviews. Love those Reviews.
Sorry if this was too mushy, but I felt like I needed some parents and child bonding.
Tell me what you thought and what you wanna see in future chapters.
Oh and MERRY CHRITMAS. Since I'm out of school, I'll be writing more often. So you'll here from me soon BYE!