Chapter 7:

About half an hour later, Sue ventured towards Johnny's bedroom. Jessica was sitting in Reed's lap on the couch, and they were watching something on the television which most children would find boring, but Jessica was watching as if in a trance. Ben and Alicia had gone out to tell a few of Alicia's family members and Ben's own family about the engagement, and probably wouldn't be back for a few hours. She knew that Jessica would be perfectly happy with Reed, considering she had followed him around most of that afternoon after he had 'given her a bedroom', as she had told Sue.

She knocked on Johnny's bedroom door, but didn't stand around waiting for him to answer her. She knew that if she did, he would just say that he wanted to be alone, or, in a worse scenario, he'd get up and lock the door. When she went into his room, she found him sitting in the centre of his double bed, eyes closed and occassionally facing the ceiling as he lightly banged his head against the headboard of solid wood behind him.

"I'd like to be alone." He said, not looking up to see who entered when he heard the door close again.

"I've given you time to be alone." Sue said, crossing the room, and sitting down on the edge of his bed. She was silent for a moment, thinking that maybe her presence would stop him banging his head, but he continued doing so. "You'll give yourself a headache doing that." She told him quietly.

"I've already got one." He replied simply.

She sighed. "Johnny-"

"Look, Sue..." He interrupted, stopping the banging of her head and sitting up properly. "I don't really want to deal with this right now." He said, propping himself up on his arms.

"You don't have a choice." She told him simply, bringing her legs up onto the mattress and tucking them underneath her. "You have a daughter to think about now. A beautiful daughter."

"A daughter I didn't want." He muttered.

"How can you say that?" She asked him, looking at him almost helplessly. "You're all she's got."

"I'm not cut out to be a parent, Sue. It doesn't come easy to me like it does with you."

"What about it do you think is easy?" She challenged him quickly.

He couldn't answer her, because he knew how badly she had fought to have the family she would soon have, and he wouldn't hurt her by passing it off as 'easy' for her, no matter how much of a mess he was in himself. He simply sighed heavily, shaking his head. "I can't do this." He told her. "I'm not going to do this."

"You have to." She told him. "She's your child, and you need to take care of her now, whether you want to or not." He looked away from her, focusing his attention on the other corner of the bed. "You can't run away from this, Johnny." She added more quietly.

"Who are you to decide what I do?" He snapped back quickly.

"You and Jessica are family." She pointed out to him, emphasising the word 'family'. "And families don't get to just walk away, they fight for each other."

"I didn't exactly see Hallie fighting." He countered.

"Then be the better person, Johnny." Sue replied quickly.

He shook his head again. "I can't do this." He insisted again.

"You won't have a choice." She reminded him.

"It's not a case of 'won't', Susie. I physically can't!"

She looked at her younger brother, seeing how desperately torn up he was inside. For a moment, she was even sure that she had seen tears in his eyes, but he had blinked them away too rapidly for her mind to register them. Johnny wasn't like this. Johnny took risks. Johnny brushed emotions off. Johnny never thought about others. But, she realised, Johnny now needed to change. He couldn't take risks when he had a life other than his own to consider. He couldn't brush of emotions when whatever he brushed off could make a huge difference to his child's emotional state. He couldn't go out at the small hours in the morning to a party, and come back at the same time the others were having breakfast, because he needed to be there for his child. He needed to be there to put her to bed, and Jessica needed to know that he would be there when she woke up, especially now. It was only so long until the fear of further abandonment began, and then, she needed Johnny more than she might ever need him in her life, and he would have to be ready for that.

"You have to try." She whispered to him.

Johnny was silent for a moment, remembering the fateful times he had said 'I'll try anything once, and twice if I like it' when faced with something new. "What if I still can't?" He asked, a fear in his voice evident. What if he really wasn't capable of looking after Jessica? What would happen then?

"Then at least you'll have tried." Sue told him, standing up from the bed.

"Sue-"

"Just...come out of this room, okay?" She asked him gently. "Ben and Alicia have gone out, so Jessica's just watching TV with Reed."

"Sue-"

"You just have to be there, Johnny." She told him. "All she needs you to do is be there."

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Just being there had been easier said than done, it turned out. Jessica had been more than happy curled up in her Uncle's lap, whilst Reed flicked through the channels, between some documentaries and the news channels, but when Johnny had made an appearance, and sat down on the other end of the couch, she had watched him for a moment, and then gone over to him. In her empty place, Sue had sat down, and, as usual, Reed's arm had snaked around her as she snuggled against him. Johnny didn't even have the energy in him to complain about the public displays of affection.

Jessica crawled into Johnny's lap before he could make any protest, and he simply let his arms fall around her in a loose hug. Sue smiled at him making an effort and went back to watching the television, but turned again when she noticed that Jessica was squirming a lot, and she let out a small giggle.

"What's so funny?" Johnny asked her suspiciously.

"Nuffin' funny." She told him, pressing her face up against his chest as she finally got comfortable and sat still. "Daddy warm."

Of course, he realised, she could feel his warmth radiating from him. Now that his body temperature was over two hundred degrees on a normal day, it would be more than comfortable for a child to curl against and bask in the warmth. He shook his head slowly, but didn't move from the position. He didn't want to risk her kicking up a fuss again from him moving her out of his arms, so he let her stay there, ignoring the smiles that Sue and Reed exchanged because of this.

He paid no attention to what was on the television, as he had no intention of being remotely interested in it. He knew that they only watched the news incase there was some emergency that they didn't know about, and Reed only ever watched documentaries otherwise. He knew enough to know that the one he was watching was about animals, so that was probably why Jessica watched it as contently as she did. Kids like animals, after all. So he simply stared at the screen, doing the thinking that he'd rather have been doing in his room, like he had done before he'd been interupted.

His first thoughts immediately drifted to Hallie. Hallie had been his best friend since kindergarten, although then, he'd not considered her his best friend. No, she'd been the girl who always second guessed him, and who always turned out to be right. Her friends started to hang around with his friends, and when he was there to show off, she was there to put him in his place, whether they were five years old and climbing trees, or seventeen years old and drinking shots in their friend's kitchen. He couldn't count the amount of times in his teenage years that his father had been called to the hospital, and he would find Hallie at Johnny's side, being the first to sign the cast on his wrist, telling him what a dork he was for showing off again.

She'd always been there, through the good and bad. He remembered standing at his mother's funeral, he on one side of his father, and Sue on the other, yet never feeling more alone. However, once the service had started, he'd fought so hard not to cry. At eight years old, he was sure that he was too old to cry, and that he'd look silly, even if it was his mother he was saying goodbye to. However, it was the way that Hallie stood beside him, and slipped her hand into his, squeezing it tight the whole time, that gave him strength, even when he'd watched his father and sister falling apart more than they'd ever done before. He hadn't cried at all that day, and he never did until a month later, when it finally hit him that his mother wouldn't be there at his next football game. That had been what set him off. And it had been Hallie who found him hiding behind the tree at the bottom of the school field, and she'd sat with him whilst he cried, and she even promised him that she wouldn't tell anyone about it. She never did, either, even to that day.

He couldn't remember a time when she'd not been there for him, which had always made him feel bad about the times when she'd lie about being upset, because it meant that he couldn't be there for her. Even when they were younger and it was uncool to talk to girls, he would find her hiding away to cry, like he had done that single time, because the other boys had picked on her, and she hadn't told him about it.

That was how he got into so many fights at school; standing up for Hallie.

He wasn't sure he still believed what was going on. A part of him wondered if this was still a cruel joke on him, to make up for four years of no contact. He felt bad about it. He'd tried to find her, but she'd moved house, she'd changed her number, and so had her sister, Cassie. It was impossible to find her, and he was ashamed to ask any of the others for help. But still, this wasn't like Hallie..

She was the girl who would take care of him at a party, when he had drank too much too quickly, and had ended up throwing up into someone's parent's bedding plants. She was the girl who helped him pass his exams when he seemed doomed to fail. She was the girl who always let him copy her math notes, even though they always got in trouble for it. She was the girl who never told anyone about the time that he cried. She was the girl who would tell him that his hair was getting too long. She was the one who would tell him when he needed to put more suncream on. She was the one who was always at his side, the first to tell him that he was doing something wrong. But then again, even though she was, she was still the girl who would then show him how to do it the right way.

She wasn't the girl who would get scared and abandon her child in less than twenty four hours. That wasn't her. That wasn't Hallie. No one could change that much in four years.

Because of this, a part of him hated her. Although, he wasn't sure whether it was because he felt this was unfair on him, or whether he just hated her because of the act she had committed. Child abandonment. It was the sort of thing you saw when you flicked onto Oprah, and for a moment, you told yourself that whatever the situation, it would always be wrong, and that a child should always be with your parents, but that was just for the moment, and then you'd change the channel again.

There was no changing the channel now.

He felt a burning in his eyes, one that didn't come from the familiar tingle of flames licking his body, but rather, the oncoming sensation of tears that he had fought off all but that single time. He couldn't cry over this. That would be stupid, and he didn't even have Hallie there to tell him that. So, instead, he forced his attentions onto the girl in his arms instead. He didn't want to, because he didn't know what, if anything, to think, but he knew that Sue was right, and he would have to think about it sometime, so why not do it now?

He had to admit, there was something about the child that binded them, a feeling he couldn't describe, but it was clear that she had captured a part of him already. Being a father had never been part of the plan though. He'd always imagined himself being the seventy-year-old man who was still jumping dirt bikes and, knowing him, still setting himself on fire and flying. He'd never considered the fact that he might have settled down with a particular girl and raised a family. How can you consider that option when most of the girls don't even hang around for breakfast afterwards? Now, in less than six hours, he had become a father to a three year old. He'd always have to make time for her, and take her to the park to play. He'd have to be at school productions and parents night, something that he'd always hated himself. He'd have to be at her side when she was sick, and to cheer her own when she was doing well.

He'd have to grow up.

He didn't think he knew how to be a grown up and a father, not like Reed did. Reed would work for a living, for a start, whilst Johnny just seemed to drag the people around him from one disaster to the next. Reed read scientific journals, whilst Johnny read magazines about bikes and cars, and other things that didn't bear mentioning. Reed woke up in the morning and had a healthy breakfast with his coffee. Johnny woke up around lunchtime and had leftover pizza for breakfast with a can of soda or a beer.

Johnny went to parties and got completely slaughtered. Johnny jumped off dirt bikes performing stunts that most movie stunt men wouldn't attempt. Johnny also regularly jumped off building and set himself on fire. Johnny brought back numerous amounts of women into his life. Johnny played music loudly from his stereo, and the lyrics were usually explicit. Johnny drove sports cars that were more designed for looking good and going fast than safety. Johnny left dirty clothes on his floor until Sue yelled at him to pick them up.

But now, that would have to change. He couldn't go out all night and make as much noise as he did when he got in, because Jessica would be asleep. He'd actually have to give a damn about his health and safety because of what might happen if he were to come to some mortal harm, and then Jessica would be left without a father. He couldn't play music that would more than likely leave Jessica needing a shrink before she turned five. He couldn't drive around town in one of his cars with her in the back, because it wasn't safe enough for her.

God, he was going to be a terrible father.

It was the way Jessica looked at him that made him feel the most useless. It was the same way he'd looked to his parents when he was that age. The expectance, waiting for guidance, wanting to know everything that they had to offer because they were the guiders, the protectors, the parents; and in a child's eyes, parents knew everything. Yet, at the same time, her eyes were the exact replica of the woman he loved. Once they locked on something, like they had done earlier, with a hopeful, yet dejected expression on her face when she realised that her mother wasn't there.

Now, he discovered as he cast his gaze downwards, those eyes were drooping. He recognised what was happening. She was exhausted, and when he saw the time on the clock on the news, he saw that it was almost nine-thirty, and that he had, in fact, been sitting there for over two hours now, in complete silence. Beside him, Sue was already asleep, her head resting on Reed's shoulder. Johnny felt guilty for a moment, because he'd relied on her so heavily that day, and being pregnant, she didn't deserve to have his whole world on her shoulders. Reed was still focused on the television, his fingers lightly stroking Sue's shoulder through the material of her top.

Johnny turned his attention back to Jessica, who was still fighting sleep. He was reminded of himself as a small boy, on Christmas Eve, trying to stay awake and keep his eyes open for as long as possible. He always loved Christmas. Even after his mother had died, it had always been a day when nothing bad ever happened, so he'd try to stay awake on Christmas Eve, and then he'd wake up hours before dawn on Christmas morning, and then he'd repeat the same slaving process of fighting sleep that night, trying to make Christmas last just that extra hour longer.

Nine-thirty, it seemed, had become the latest possible time for 'bedtime'.

But, Sue was alseep, and Reed was acting her pillow. Ben and Alicia weren't home yet. That left him to cover the first bedtime, and he didn't even know what he was doing. He thought it through, what had been his before bed routine? Bath first, usually, but it was too late, and she was too tired for a bath. Next had been pyjamas. She must have some pyjamas in the bags in the spare room. Oh, and brushing the teeth. They could skip that for a night, he couldn't bare the thought of fussing around in the bathroom for hours just to get teeth clean. She'd have to do it first thing in the morning anyway. Then it was into bed, lights off, and job done.

Easy enough.

He tightened his arms around Jessica, who responded by getting more comfortable, and then he stood up with her in his arms. Reed looked up at him questioningly, and Johnny shrugged at him. "Bedtime." He said simply, before turning and leaving the room.

He sat Jessica down on the edge of the spare room bed, a double bed that Reed had pushed up against a wall so that they could put her in the far side, and she wouldn't fall off. It was good thinking, and he knew that he wouldn't have thought of this. He grabbed one of the bags that was filled with clothes, and managed to find two pairs of pyjamas; one thick and full length nightgown, and a set of shorts and t-shirt cover in yellow rabbits. He chose the short and t-shirt set, and handed it to her, because even he knew that she would be too hot in the nightgown.

He helped her out of the clothes she was wearing, and then slipped the t-shirt over her head, and helped her step into the shorts, and then he lifted her back up onto the bed, watching as she crawled over onto the other side. She settled beneath the blanket, clutching the same old doll that he remembered she'd tried to show him earlier, when he'd ignored her. He pulled the blanket up over her, and watched as she buried her face in the pillow with a sigh.

"Nu-night, Daddy." She told him through a sleepy yawn. "Love you."

Catching his breath in his chest, he was silent for a moment, and then managed to choke out "Night, Jessie," in the final moments before she fell into sleep.