Although Toki grew accustomed to finding the occasional wet patch in his underwear come morning, it'd gotten decidedly worse since moving to Nedsjön. At first Toki thought little of what his dirty laundry consisted of, but the frequency soon embarrassed him. To avoid his mother seeing it, he first took to running the offending garment under the bathroom sink. Not long after, preventative measures meant Toki wrapped a tissue around himself, then flushed it down the toilet when he got up.

Finding the evidence afterward differed from being woken up by it, which, at three o'clock in the morning, worried Toki. His dreams were a confusing mess, cycling through people he knew but most often landing on Skwisgaar. There didn't even need to be anything special about it; sometimes, Skwisgaar remained out of sight although present, and that alone would settle Toki's heartbeat in his pelvic region. Waking up to his penis all swollen seconds before becoming sticky offered a moment of unfocused clarity toward all the changes his body underwent for the past year or so. However, he didn't know enough about it and was too ashamed to ask. He didn't want his parents to look at him in disgust, and who else could he approach? This sort of thing seemed less than appropriate to discuss. It was much too private.

For that, Toki deemed it best to hide. He'd done well so far too on obscuring the random times he gained an erection throughout the day. Come Friday night, as he and his father sat on the couch opposite the chair where Skwisgaar organized his notes for his speech, another one coming on forced Toki to lean forward over his knees.

"Have you decided how to divide all the things you want to say about Yeltsin into three categories?" Aslaug asked.

"I think so. It's important to talk about how he got into politics and all that, but I found a lot of stuff on what life was like for him, before. Do you think that's something I should put in there?"

"It's context. That's very important." Aslaug nodded. "So you have his background, his political career, and then what?"

"We learned in class the difference between communism and capitalism, so maybe I should talk about how his ideas have changed in the past few years. Since he's the president, it's important for what might happen to Russia now. Right?"

"Very important. With that all in mind then, how would you categorize everything you want to say?"

Until Skwisgaar reached the point where he'd have to practice speaking, Toki had no excuse not to work on his own. Left alone until they needed Aslaug, the two of them migrated to the kitchen table. Toki somehow found energy to put an hour toward this the night before after hockey practice, but that focus couldn't exist in the same room as Skwisgaar. While a hand held blond hair back from Skwisgaar's face and lips pressed with concentration, Toki glanced over frequently enough to make himself dizzy. With his back to the living room where his mother sat and with Aslaug out of sight in his home office, it didn't matter as much if Toki got so carried away. When finally his burning gaze compelled Skwisgaar to look up from the notes he dashed down, Toki puckered his lips. He tore a corner off his paper as quietly as he could in a daring moment, scrawled a short message, and passed it along.

Just as he hoped, warmth rose in Skwisgaar's cheeks before the note went folded and slipped into the pocket of his jeans. Toki's spine straightened when Skwisgaar repeated the process and passed along one of his own.

'I can't stop thinking about you either'

Intent to read it over and over again later when it was safer, Toki too stashed the note. For now, in order to avoid any suspicion from his parents, they needed to work.

In a sense, feeling this way toward a boy was superior than toward a girl in regards to his parents' strictness. They'd monitor Toki's behaviour and doings either way, but no chance in Hell existed for a girl to ever become this involved in Toki's day-to-day life. With Skwisgaar, Toki could play them off as growing best friends, and nothing more. If he continued to be as careful with his father's satisfaction, then eventually he'd be granted more liberties as to how he and Skwisgaar could be together.

"How's it going in here?" Aslaug asked as he passed through for a fresh glass of water. "Making any headway?"

"I'm just about finished my outline," Skwisgaar replied.

Toki hadn't made it so far. "I'm still figuring out what I want to say, in what order."

"Keep working at it," his father encouraged. "It's nearly eight o'clock, though. Skwisgaar, what time did your mother want you home?"

"She never said. I don't think she really cares, so long as I make it back eventually."

"Well, you two have made enough progress for one night, don't you think? Why don't you call and see if your mother wants me to drive you home, or if she'd prefer to come get you?"

"What if Skwisgaar stayed the night?" It was probably a long-shot, but Toki asked anyway. The contemplative expression his father adopted offered fresh hope. "We could start on this again right away in the morning. I'll make sure I still get my chores done, and everything."

"I don't see a problem with that, but Skwisgaar'll need to ask permission from his mother, first," Aslaug agreed. "Also, if you need to go home and grab things for an overnight stay, I'll swing you by."

Serveta obliged before Skwisgaar could completely ask his question, sending Toki into a frenzy both internally and eternally. His excitement went channeled into bringing in wood for the fire and putting together a bed for Skwisgaar on his floor. Toki worried for Skwisgaar what Serveta and Aslaug crossing paths could possibly result in, but couldn't entirely concentrate on it for prospect of Skwisgaar sleeping less than three feet away from him.

It struck Toki again how boring his house probably was for someone like Skwisgaar, when his mother cross-stitched in the living room and his father would return to perusing his Bible. Music Toki only ever heard in church tapped Anja's toe and compelled her to hum along. Sighing in hopes that he himself would be enough to entertain Skwisgaar, Toki mindlessly tidied up while he waited for his father's headlights to wash over the living room wall.

Toki met Skwisgaar at the door, reading him carefully for any sign that he'd been embarrassed or put down during his absence. A smile told him otherwise, so Toki ditched his concerns in favour of leading Skwisgaar into his room. "Put your stuff down wherever. It doesn't matter."

"Thanks."

"I kind of realized while you were gone that we don't have very much to do around here. Do you like to play cards?"

Confirmation on Skwisgaar's part led to Toki dangling over the end of his bed as they went through their collective knowledge of games. Skwisgaar laughed when Toki walked him through one he'd claimed unfamiliarity with. "Oh, I know this one. My mom and I call it Dumb Norwegian."

"I wasn't going to tell you what I actually call it, but Dumb Swede."

"Here's an idea: how about whoever wins, best two-out-of-three, gets to decide what it's actually called from now on?"

Agreeing, Toki began to deal out. The music Anja listened to shielded them from being overheard, but he still lowered his voice. "I used to call you that, you know. Inside my head, I mean. Big Dumb Swede, that's who you were."

"When?"

"Back before we started palling around." Toki wouldn't elaborate if he didn't have to, that he referred to the bathroom in which they shared their first, unexpected kiss. "You were such a bully."

"A bully?" Skwisgaar repeated, baffled. "You think that's what I was doing?"

"What else would kicking my chair, poking me, and giving me dirty looks mean?"

"I thought it was pretty obvious. Kind of like when you hit me with the handball. Isn't that why you let me—?"

"Shh," Toki reminded him with a jerk of his head toward the living room. "I don't know what you're talking about. I got you in the face in gym class because you were making me mad."

"So then what about in the bathroom?"

"Revenge?"

Skwisgaar stared at Toki. "Huh. I guess I'm lucky you didn't think I was a weirdo and tell everyone. Really lucky."

"Honestly, I did think it was a little weird. I washed my mouth out afterward," Toki admitted with a smile. "But I wanted to do it again right away, so what does that say?"

"I would've been screwed, if you didn't."

"I wouldn't have told anyone, anyway. It's not my business."

"Even though I was being so mean? Or because you're religious?"

"What's either of those got to do with it? You don't deserve to be teased no matter what you were doing to me. And I think that being religious makes me more accepting."

"You'd be one of few, then."

They went through a few turns of their card game, during which Toki remembered what his father had said about Skwisgaar. Should a religious man say that a woman deserved to be deprived of her child, because she'd made bad decisions in life? Toki could see his point though, that Skwisgaar would probably be happier if he had a different mom and an actual dad to speak of. Trying to imagine his own life without one was very strange, since his father was such an influential force in the basic fabric of his days. Still, to say that a child should be ripped from their mother's hands? It didn't leave Toki with a very good taste in his mouth then, and that returned to full force now.

"No matter what could've happened," Toki brought them back to the initial topic, "I'm glad you did what you did. I really do like you a lot. Is it worth worrying, what might've happened if I wasn't into it?"

"I guess not." Skwisgaar sighed. "I can't help but think how stupid I was, though."

"That'll go away. I think you can guess what I want to do, as soon as my parents fall asleep."

The anticipation for it deprived Toki of fatigue, as he waited first for his mother to turn off the music she listened to and pop in to bid them both good night. Aslaug continued to rustle papers in his office, until he too passed with reminder not to stay up too late. Toki listened through his and Skwisgaar's whispered conversations for when his parents ceased rolling around, then suggested they too go about their pre-sleep routines. Paranoia that perhaps his mother and father simply laid awake or slept lightly forced Toki to tiptoe into the bathroom to brush his teeth and preemptively place some tissues in his underwear.

Returning to his bedroom, he found that Skwisgaar had just changed into his pyjama pants, exposing his back. His shoulder blades and untoned muscles shifted beneath smooth, pale skin as he put his sweater and jeans into his bag; the bedroom door quietly clicking shut brought his gaze back over his shoulder. "It gets cold in here if you close that, ja?"

"I'll open it again in a minute."

It suddenly struck Toki that he stood half-naked in his room with a boy of equal undress, whom he considered very differently than the other kids he saw like this in the hockey change room. His interest toward kissing other parts of Skwisgaar's body grew, although he was too scared to do it. Instead, he ran his fingertips lightly over Skwisgaar's upper arms, following where translucent skin displayed blue veins. "We finally have more than just three seconds to sneak this in."

"Do we?" Skwisgaar asked. "Your parents are right on the other side of the wall."

"So we'll be quiet then." Toki leaned up, trying to uphold that statement right through to when their lips parted. It wasn't as easy as he hoped, and he felt the kiss lost something. "I wish you could sleep in my bed with me."

"Who says we can't lay together for a little while?"

Pitch-black darkness and working with a twin bed posed a challenge, but minimal creaking and two-sided shushes eased them together under the quilt. Toki liked this much better, for the freedom to press their torsos together and run his fingers through Skwisgaar's thick hair. Breath and combined body heat restored all that was lost by cutting off the wood stove's influence. Really, Toki wouldn't care if they could see their breath, so long as he had this.

"We're lucky, aren't we?" Toki whispered aloud as the day's older thoughts returned. "If you were a girl, I bet you wouldn't even be allowed in my house."

"I think if they thought something was going on, they wouldn't have let me stay the night."

"I would've heard about it, too. That's not something they'd let go." Toki ran his thumb over the hollow in Skwisgaar's cheek, using its proximity to guide their lips back together. Lack of noise from his parents' room made Toki braver, leading to him feeling out the minute curve in Skwisgaar's waistline. While he managed to keep any and all extraneous noise obsolete, something warm, wet, and slippery sliding past his lips incited a groan loud enough to be embarrassed about even if they weren't trying to keep this to themselves.

He pulled back, clapping a hand over his mouth. "Sorry, I don't know where that came from."

Skwisgaar chuckled. "You've never kissed with tongues, before?"

"No." Toki pouted, cheeks warm. "You're the only one I've ever kissed. Don't laugh at me."

"I just didn't expect you to react that way. You want to try again?"

Now that Toki expected it, he curtailed his reaction to a certain extent. A pounding heart and needy lungs kept him for the most part from shoving his tongue as far into Skwisgaar's mouth as was possible; excessive enthusiasm had Skwisgaar pushing his chest in reminder to calm down more than once. Lips cut Toki off every time he attempted to apologize, encouraging him toward favourable intensity. Fingers curling in his hair, a body arching into him, and teeth nibbling his lips dropped a weight between his legs. The last shred of self-control Toki possessed pushed him to turn his hips away from Skwisgaar.

"Maybe. . ." Toki whispered when they broke apart for their next breath. "Maybe you should go lay on your own bed."

"Do you think they heard?"

"No, but they might."

Despite his issue, Toki regretted letting Skwisgaar go. After Skwisgaar situated on the foam mattress allotted to him, Toki dangled his hand over the bed's edge as open invitation to hold. He did his best to ignore the aching throb in his underwear, as well as that the tissue he'd placed in there already gained a taste of liquid.

"All right everyone, settle down. Who wants to go next? Any volunteers?"

The number of presentations come Monday slowly whittled down. Toki did himself a favour and volunteered to go first; he'd hoped that showing Skwisgaar how small of a deal it actually was would help, and the Saturday spent with Aslaug truly seemed to help him overcome a good chunk of his nerves. However, he was still one of the last presenters to be called upon.

'You did great, one of the best for sure :)'

Toki set the note on Skwisgaar's desk in passing during math to sharpen his pencil, smiling when he passed again to see pride and relief cohabiting in Skwisgaar's features. After school, the self-control necessary for Toki to not relive Friday night over and over again in his daydreams came in handy as he fought the urge for a congratulatory hug. "How's it feel?"

"Better, now that it's over." Skwisgaar heaved a sigh. "I don't know what I would've done, without your help."

"Anytime you need it, you only have to ask."

Rather than go straight home, they headed again for the church. Aslaug expressed keenness at breakfast to hear how their presentations went, so it should reasonably be all right to postpone bringing in wood. Unlike their last journey here, no queue existed.

Aslaug cut to the chase as soon as they announced their presence. "Well? How'd it go?"

"Good. I mean, I guess it did." Skwisgaar glanced at Toki, hands shoved into his pockets. "I did what we practiced, and I stayed inside the time limit."

Toki gave him a sign anytime he sped up too much, compelling Skwisgaar to take a deep breath, collect himself, and then press on at the rate he'd practiced in front of Aslaug over the weekend. "He did better than a lot of the other kids. You could tell most of them weren't ready."

"That's too bad for them, I suppose." Aslaug leaned back in his chair, sizing up both boys. "Toki, would you give Skwisgaar and I some privacy? I'd like to speak to him alone for a moment."

"Uh. . .sure." Nerves sprung up, but Toki had little choice but to back out of the office and close the door behind him. Unable to sit in the hallway, just in case this resulted in something negative pertaining to Friday night, Toki drifted toward the nave. A few other people praying held him at the back, silently begging God that this wasn't what he suspected. Could his father keep so calm though, if he knew his son was kissing boys under his roof?

When Skwisgaar found Toki, confusion furrowed his brow. He shook his head when Toki cast him a questioning look, then hummed when they headed back down the street toward their usual parting place. "I'm coming over to your house on Wednesday."

"What for?" Toki's heart leapt, but nerves still existed.

"I guess while I was getting my things together on Friday night at home, your dad got talking to my mom. She mentioned that she was going away soon, so your dad talked to her again today to find out what exactly that meant. So. . .long story short, while she's gone, I'm going to be staying at your house."

"Really? That's what my dad said?"

"He insisted, said someone my age shouldn't stay home all by myself." Skwisgaar shrugged. "Not that I haven't before, for longer, but I won't argue. I feel bad though, that your parents are going to feed me and all that. I hope mom's going to give them a little bit of money, and I told your dad that I don't mind doing chores when I stay over."

"Cool." Toki bumped their shoulders. "You can help me."

"That's what your dad said."

". . .As it reads in Habakkuk 1:5, 'look at the nations and watch—and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.' Consider current events in the world, how this shadow looming over Europe for decades has crumbled thanks to its godless foundation. A nation without God is a nation doomed, for He will see to it. We shall soon see, if relinquishing the shackles of atheism will free the Russian people from their misguided government. . ."

The excitement of having inspired his father's sermon was overshadowed by whom accompanied Toki to church that Sunday. Serveta wasn't due home until the next evening, which left Skwisgaar little choice but to tag along. Toki never saw him dressed in anything other than the worn jeans and thin sweaters his mother provided; preparation for this day meant Anja dropped Toki off at hockey practice early on Thursday evening so that she could take Skwisgaar to the shops. Sunday clothes did him good, although Skwisgaar tugged often at his tie and shirt cuffs. Anja attempted to fix his hair before they left home, but there wasn't much to do when the blond strands rejected a wet comb. His bangs escaped first, setting off a chain reaction.

"Well, what did you think?" Toki asked after the blessing, when the pews closest to the back filed out. "Not so bad?"

"I guess not." Ritual took precedence over content for Skwisgaar, it seemed. He watched everyone else closely to ascertain when he was needed to sit or stand, fumbling through anything requiring his participation. Toki didn't help; while Skwisgaar relied on him to show the ropes, he was distracted by Skwisgaar's presence. "Kind of. . ."

"Hm?"

"Eh, probably not something I should say here."

Letting it go in hopes not to revisit later, Toki filed out behind Skwisgaar and Anja. Before he could reach the back, where he craned to see what kind of hot drinks were offered today, he earned a poke to the shoulder.

"Gonna come out and play a game with us?" Espen's thick, dark hair already curled against his forehead; Roar's ash blond strands somehow remained plastered to his head, from where his mother slicked it back. "Hugo's mom said he's sick, so we're not gonna have a goalie. We need you."

"Um. . ." Toki sized Skwisgaar's comfort level up, to see if he'd be fine left alone for a little while. He relied on Sundays just as much as recess and lunch at school to exhaust the competitive fire burning away inside him. Thank goodness, the Nedsjön Vargarna U14 team would play their first game in Hindås on Saturday. "Sure."

Skwisgaar seemed content to latch himself onto Anja's side as Toki left with his other friends. Toki felt bad to ditch him, although wished he'd follow in order to watch.

While elongating legs and arms made Toki clumsy at inopportune moments, he didn't have it as bad today as the others. Karl face-planted onto the concrete to raucous laughter, while Toki maintained control of his feet well enough to stay upright even when sliding on unexpected patches of ice. Natural inclination to hang around the net kept him from scoring many goals, though he would've given it a good shot if he had someone he needed to impress.

"What do you guys think of Ella?" Acke asked when they took a breather. "I'm thinking of asking her to go with me."

"She probably won't," Karl broke with an apologetic shrug. "She likes Leo, Signe said."

"What the heck does Signe know?"

"They've been hanging out a lot this year. She said that Ella won't stop talking about him."

"Ugggh, just shut up." Acke pouted. "That sucks. She keeps passing me notes in class, I thought she wanted me to ask her."

"Doesn't hurt, right? Or do you think she'll get weird about it?"

"I don't know. . ."

Toki remained quiet through the talk about girls, more than ready to get back to the game before his buddies could question him about who caught his attention. Admitting Skwisgaar would probably amount to social suicide. Toki wasn't stupid; him liking boys wouldn't go over well when they all needed to undress in front of him at least twice a week. It was just better to keep quiet about it, although Toki could lie if need be.

Their parents plucked them out of the game one by one as they headed home, until too few were left to carry on. Migrating back inside, Toki caught up to where his father had crossed paths with Anja and Skwisgaar.

"I'm glad to see you aren't playing in your Sunday clothes," Aslaug observed. "Where are they?"

"Mama gave me the car keys, to put them away."

Sitting in the backseat with Skwisgaar felt weird, coming home from church. He still urged to spend the rest of the afternoon together, maybe sneak off to the woodshed where they'd discovered a place unseeable from the kitchen window or any of the neighbours' houses, but nerves accompanied it. Palling around with a group of boys that behaved in the way expected of them made Toki feel bad about the intensity he regarded Skwisgaar with and how that manifested in affection. What could he do though, if these feelings occurred for a boy? What did it matter? Maybe someday it would change, and a girl would catch his fancy in even stronger fashion. Until then, he should enjoy what was in front of him.

It wasn't as easy as saying that, though. Hiding something so monumental from his parents came with a thrill, but Toki had someone bigger to consider. As result, through working with Skwisgaar on their chores, homework, and then helping his mother with dinner, Toki avoided touching him. The want still existed, of course, but Toki did his best to ignore it.

While sitting in his room after drying the dishes, Toki was joined by Skwisgaar. He sat on the floor before Toki's bed, watching his fingers fret through the latest hymn he attempted to master. "What's up?"

"Nothing."

"You've been weird all day."

Toki considered trying to talk about it, but wound up shrugging. He had no idea what to say.

"Are you mad at me?"

"Why would I be?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking. Is it because I didn't like church as much as you thought I would?"

That was far enough from Toki's mind to necessitate a moment of thought. Ditching him to play hockey and then being strange when they got home was weird, he supposed. "You can like whatever you want, or think whatever you want about it. It doesn't matter to me."

"So then why are you like this?"

"Like what?"

Skwisgaar sat quietly on the floor, waiting for Toki to stop staring at his instrument and give him an answer. Eventually, he sighed and stood. "Whatever."

The only thing that could make Toki feel worse was Skwisgaar's dejected tone. He didn't ask for this, and he deserved to know about the doubt nagging at Toki's gut. However, how did Toki break it gently to him, if at all? To only make things more difficult, Toki wished more than anything to curl up with Skwisgaar in his bed and relish the affection he'd accustomed to each night before they fell asleep. The tension thickening as they took turns getting ready for bed drove Toki out of his mind. He couldn't concentrate on reading when Skwisgaar mirrored his discontent a few feet away. Toki could swear, if he ever chanced a glance at his long-faced friend, that his eyes failed to scan the words. Not once did Skwisgaar turn the page before dogearing it to set aside for tomorrow. Putting his back between them offered Toki greater opportunity to contemplate the small network of freckles and faint moles he'd worked toward memorizing.

Toki laid awake, equally as guilt-ridden, when he'd turned the lamp off. Not long later, he closed his eyes intent to steel himself. "Skwisgaar, are you awake?"

A short grunt came as response.

"Will you come over here?"

"Why?"

"Because I want to say I'm sorry."

Skwisgaar hesitated before speaking again. "You won't even tell me what happened."

"I'm still not really sure, and I feel really bad about it."

"So then what're you saying sorry for?"

"For making you feel bad."

"Whatever."

"Don't just say that. Come here."

Rather than crawl into Toki's bed, Skwisgaar kneeled beside out of reach. Toki sighed quietly, propping up on an elbow. "All my friends like girls."

"Ja, so do mine."

"And we're supposed to marry girls when we get older, right?"

"Probably. Why're you thinking that far ahead?"

"I don't know. I don't want to." Toki pressed his lips together. "I like this, but I'm scared."

Any minute change in Skwisgaar's demeanour couldn't be read in his shadowed face; instead, Toki needed to rely on tone. "I wondered when you'd say that."

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Toki. Being Christian and gay don't exactly go together."

"I'm not gay," Toki immediately refuted. "Don't say that."

"The things we've been doing are pretty gay."

"Shut up."

"So you like making out with me even if I'm a boy, but you're not gay?"

"I don't know." The anxiety that circulated throughout Toki ever since church transformed into fear. Being gay was a horrible prospect. If it was only a choice that got him this deep with Skwisgaar, then why couldn't he remember at what point he made that? Was it when Skwisgaar kissed him?

"You're done with it, then?"

"I don't know," Toki repeated. He hated the idea that he did wrong by God, but he couldn't ignore that sometimes the love he felt in his heart was stronger for Skwisgaar. "I don't know what to do."

"I don't know what to tell you, either."

Toki wished he could just ignore it. Embarrassment trickled in as his eyes grew heavy, for he'd never felt so damned, not expressly by God but completely in general. "It's no good, either way. I don't want to have to pick sides."

"I can't compete with God, when that's important to you." Skwisgaar shrugged in the darkness. "Like I said, I figured this would happen. Doesn't make me happy, but. . .I don't know what to say. You're going to decide what you're going to decide."

Toki's vision blurred as Skwisgaar retreated to his bed. He hardly had time to pull his blanket up over his shoulders before Toki slipped out from under his comforter and curled up to Skwisgaar's back; terrible as he felt under God's watchful gaze, He wasn't here to hold Toki through crippling guilt. "I'm sorry. I don't want you to think I don't like you."

"That doesn't really matter. Anyone but me's going to tell you to work through it. And pray, or something."

"Don't tell me what everyone else is going to say. What do you say?"

"I don't think you can help it, so there's no point getting all messed up over it."

"Maybe He's testing me."

"It's kind of a stupid way to test someone."

"You can't question God, though. He has reasons that we can't understand."

"Did God himself tell you that, or someone speaking for him?"

"God can't tell me anything directly. We don't belong to the same world. I have to trust the Bible, I have to trust the people He trusts to speak."

"Can't you trust someone that says you aren't going to Hell for who or what you like?"

"There isn't anybody." Miserable, Toki rested his forehead against Skwisgaar's upper back. "Nobody says that. It isn't natural. God made one woman for each man, and one man for each woman. It's what He intended."

Skwisgaar sighed. "Look, Toki. . .there's only so much I can help you with this. I'm okay with myself, but I can't tell you what I believe because it's very different from what you do. I hope you figure this out, whatever it means for us."

"You don't believe in Him."

"No, but I think if God did exist, He'd want you happy. Look at you, right now. Are you happy?"

Toki shook his head, fending off a sniffle.

"What would make you happy?"

"For this to be okay." Though he hesitated at first, Toki wrapped an arm around Skwisgaar's middle. "I want Him to accept this as my truth. I mean. . .if God is testing me, then what exactly is the test? But. . .everything I know, everything that's in the Bible. . .I'm dishonouring my parents already, by sneaking around with you. What if I go to Hell?"

"No offence, but sounds like you're kind of already there." Skwisgaar looked at Toki over his shoulder. "And by the way. . .there are churches that say it's okay. Just not here."

"How can you know that?"

"Because I'm allowed to see things outside of this tiny part of the world."

"But what if I'm not gay? What if I'm just having gay thoughts?"

"That's why people experiment: to find out if they're just curious, or if this is who they are."

Grabbing at slippery ends of the rope resulted in a long, thin sigh. Toki never felt more alive, nor more like himself, when all of these bad thoughts stayed away and he laid with Skwisgaar in his bed. That felt like home, more than walking in the front door after school everyday did. "I'm sorry."

"What for, now?"

"That I'm like this. I like you, and I want to be able to like you. I'm so scared to screw up."

"I don't see it like you are. You're doing what you want, and this isn't hurting anybody."

"Nobody but ourselves, if we're wrong."

"I'm willing to take the risk."

"I guess I already have." Toki ignored the nagging thought that it was better to stop, now that his faith had caught up to his doings. "I don't want to go to Hell for this. You're sure that people somewhere else say it's okay?"

Skwisgaar nodded. "Maybe your test is being who you are, no matter what you've been told. I mean. . .having a dad for a pastor is like a double whammy."

"What about the fifth commandment?"

"Honouring thy mother and father, right?"

"Mhm."

"Since when does honouring mean you have to do everything they tell you to?"

"I have to obey."

Skwisgaar fell quiet again for a while. "You have an answer for everything I say, because that's what you've been told. If this is so hard for you, then let me make it easy: go away. Let me sleep, so that I'm not junk for school tomorrow."

That hurt more than anything Toki could remind himself of from past teachings. Bottom lip trembling, he didn't trust himself to speak a response. He wished that Skwisgaar wasn't here, so that he could properly mourn whatever light in his life he stood to lose in all this.