I hear the door click open. Is it one of Tomoki's family members? I don't know who else can have the key and it's too early for him to be back. Way too early. I don't know what to say to him. I mean, we haven't even spoken since that phone call.

"I'm back."

It was so quiet that I almost didn't hear. But that was definitely Tomoki.

"What happened?" I inquire. At first, I think he somehow found out what happened last night between me and that asshole (who should not be a teacher by the way), but he doesn't look pissed or upset. Actually, I can't read his expression at all. "Is… everything okay?"

Tomoki looks at me as if it's the very first time he's seen me. And it makes my heart sink because I don't want to be a stranger to him.

"Why did you apologize last night?" Tomoki asks.

I blink, not sure what he means. "Huh?"

"You came home, went to bed, and then…," he trails off. But he doesn't need to finish. I remember. "So... Where were you? What happened? I don't want to assume the worst, Shinya. So I want to hear it from you. But only if you tell me the truth."

Dodging the question is only going to make things look worse for me, as if I actually have something to be guilty about. Well, I do. But it's not like I took it any further than oral. Which is still pretty bad. But it at least made me realize that I don't have the heart to ever betray Tomoki like that. I love him and I will stay faithful from this point onwards. I just need to somehow make that clear to him.

I take a deep breath. "I went to a bar at ni-chome. I… met a guy there. And we got a private hotel room." Tomoki takes a step back and he hits the door behind him. I can tell he's trying not to say anything until I finish but I'm starting to choke up just from seeing the horrified look in his wide, watery eyes. "I swear, Tomoki, I ran out of there within five minutes. It was just… a second of stupidity. Please… I didn't mean to…"

"Shinya… Is this the first?" he asks.

The first? Does he honestly think that I've slept with other men? "First and only and last," I tell him with as much sincerity as possible.

Tomoki licks his lips which have dried up into a desert. He crosses his arms as if he's cold and I just want him to say something, anything. I need reassurance that we're going to be okay. That everything is going to be okay because right now, I'm ready to die on the spot.

"How do I know…?" Tomoki finally says, averting my stare.

I want to take him into my arms and hold him there. "Know what?"

"That it's the first and last?"

This time, I take a step back. "You don't trust me that much?" I can feel something wet rolling down my cheeks. Tomoki opens his mouth to respond but I interject before he can. "You weren't here! I love you so much and I love having you by my side but I'm always, always putting you first while you put me second or third! Do you know how it feels to be in this apartment?! Filled with everything you but you! It was an error in judgment and it was dumb, I know. I fucked up. I'm a fuck up! But you have no idea how it feels to be set aside for other things."

Tomoki is finally looking at me and I know I look like a mess. There are tears all over my face, my clothes have passed the point of wrinkled and into crumpled, and my hair is sticking out in all sorts of weird ways. But what he says isn't comfort, not even close. Instead, he folds his hands and places them on his head as if he's trying to figure me out. As if I'm some malfunctioning machine and not a distressed human being.

"That is not fair," he finally breathes.

"Tomoki," I choke out. "Why can't you ever put me first?"

He blows up. He explodes. He looks at me and it's just volume coming from his mouth. "I put you first all the time! I'm willing to take care of you while you do nothing! You said so yourself that you knew I would! But I've had these dreams since forever!"

"I know!" I shout back. "But it's not going to go away if you ignore it for one day!"

"I WAS FIRED!"

Silence.

Tomoki is no longer looking at me. The kitchen, the ugly couch, the eggshell walls, anything else is a better thing to focus on than me. And me? All I can see is him.

"I was fired," he repeats quietly, as if it's finally sinking into him. Then, he shakes his head, covering his face with his hands. "I'm sorry, Shinya. I… I'm going to stay at my parents' place for a while. I think I need some space."

Tomoki turns and his hand is on the doorknob when my hand closes around his arm. The words that tumble out of my mouth are so meek that I can't even believe it's my own voice. "What about us?" I ask him. "What's going to happen to us?"

For a while, he doesn't say anything. So I get closer, pulling him into an embrace from behind, my hands fold over his stomach. We just stand there for what feels like hours.

"Shinya," Tomoki says. He turns around and plants a kiss on my forehead. "I still love you. But… I have to figure out some things first."

What makes seconds feel like hours before made hours feel like seconds now. Because it's like I blink and Tomoki is gone. I'm alone in this hallway and he's already driven off in the direction of Shibuya. Then I'm on my knees, shoulders convulsing, sobs filling the empty apartment, and hands furiously rubbing at my eyes as I try to dam the waterfall.

Slowly, I stand back up and stagger into the living room. But I just feel like collapsing all over again when I take a look around. I mean, the place is usually empty at this time of day but now it feels absolutely desolate. It's suffocating.

I need to get out of the house and talk to someone. But I already pulled Izumi out of work yesterday. And I don't want to talk about my relationship troubles with onii-chan. Yuuya and his friends would have a pretty strong bias and would take my side no doubt, telling me some nonsense about forgetting Tomoki. So only one person comes to mind to talk to so I take out my phone and send him a text just as I'm getting into my car.

-X-

Kouichi greets me at the door of his apartment, wearing a black t-shirt with red swirls to make the shape of a lion's face, blue jeans, and his dark hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. When he sees that it's me, he smiles. It's warm and makes me think that I've made the right choice in coming to him.

"Come in," Kouichi says, gesturing inside.

As always, everything in his apartment is neat and immaculate. Every book has been meticulously placed into the shelves, the leather couch is devoid of dust and stains, and the floors look to be recently polished. His casual clothes make it hard to tell but he's got the demeanor of an elite plutocrat despite coming from a modest background. Most people, sometimes including myself, can't believe that the majority of the items in this house are bargain purchases.

"Sorry to intrude," I croak out. My throat is dry as fuck. "Is it okay if I sit on your couch?"

He nods. "Go ahead. I'll brew up some chamomile tea, it'll calm you down."

Do I not look calm? Then again, I don't exactly feel it. Though seeing his miniature zen garden on top of the fish tank does somehow put me at ease. It's like Kouichi lives to look better than everyone else but exists to make people feel better about themselves. I like to call him the accidentally pompous but actually perfect counselor.

As I wait for my host to return from the kitchen, I fidget around in my seat. I didn't even bother to change out of my pajamas when I showed up practically unannounced. So I'm definitely out of sorts. I'm pretty sure I almost crashed the car several times too. I did get a speeding ticket along the way. Thinking about these things are not helping.

"What am I going to say?" I murmur.

Well, it's not like I came here with any plan in mind. I just needed to be out of that apartment and in the company of someone who could give me real advice on what to do next. Because at this point, I'm at a total loss. I just want things to go back to the way it was two nights ago, when we were sitting on that hideous couch and watching colorful ninjas with Chinese takeout in front of us.

Just then, Kouichi comes back, balancing a tray of tea which he places down in front of me. "So? What happened? You don't often visit unless you need help."

"I can't just come to see a good friend?" I grin. No dice. He cracks a smile, but he's not going to let me off the hook. Guess it's now or never. "I did something really stupid."

"Considering you were in ni-chome last night, I have an idea of what this stupid something was," Kouichi sighs.

I explain the story from the beginning. The crippling loneliness whenever Tomoki would leave me for work, the fact that I was selfish and selfless at the same time, but I never made Tomoki the antagonist in my story. He could never be that. And I could never do that to him.

When I'm done, Kouichi is pouring me a second cup of tea. I didn't even realize I finished drinking my first one. "So… I don't know what to do now," I say.

Kouichi closes his eyes for a moment and when he reopens them, I can see that he's gotten an epiphany. "First and foremost," he starts. "Don't kick yourself over Tomoki being fired. He chose the celebration dinner with his superior instead of dinner with you so obviously, it can't have been your fault. Something happened that night that made things this sour."

I frown. Tomoki wouldn't do something to get himself fired. "Like what?"

"Who knows?" Kouichi responds with a shrug. "There could be someone who doesn't like him or was jealous of his work ethic. Those scenarios seem much more probable."

"Okay, what's second?" I ask.

"Second, give him space for no more than twenty-four hours."

Well that seems oddly specific. "What do you mean?"

Kouichi stands and walks to his bookshelf, stopping at a particular section and picking out a few titles. He comes back to the glass coffee table where he sets down three romance novels. "It might seem silly but I like to compare real life situations with those in the world of fiction. Shinya, you and Tomoki are too close to be broken up over something like this. Chances are, Tomoki is still waiting for you to talk to him. But he also needs a little time, wait too long, you'll lose him."

"How do you know twenty-four hours is enough?"

"I doubt his family is going to let him sulk for more than a day." He gestures towards the books. "The main couples in these books go through something similar and usually, the people closest to them are able to do half of the cheering up."

I don't know how he knows this for sure. I don't know if I can even trust this advice. But I do trust Kouichi. "Okay," I exhale. "Is there a third?"

"You have to ask yourself if you want to continue this relationship," Kouichi tells me. "If he doesn't seem to trust you and it upsets you, you may not want to be with him."

Of course I want to be with Tomoki. I mean, I can't blame him for not thinking that I'm faithful. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though. Even so, I've questioned many things about my life over the years and even in recent days, but the one thing that I am certain of is that I'm hopelessly in love with Tomoki. Nothing could ever change that.

So I tell Kouichi this.

Kouichi tells me to think about all the reasons I love Tomoki while he goes out to do some grocery shopping. He says that I can stay as long as I want but to message him when I choose to leave. For now, I just have to make myself at home.

Tomoki and I love all the same television shows and manga so it's easy to just lie around doing nothing other than watch adults in spandex fight monsters or read about junior high school students learning to be assassins. In our school years, we'd often trade comic books and forget who they originally belonged to in the first place. It never caused any problems though.

There's also something authentic about his kindness compared to other people. It might be because he's a Chosen Child but he's always willing to offer a helping hand to anyone who needs it without expecting anything in return.

There's the way he sleeps in the passenger seat when I'm driving us around. The way his brown hair falls just above his eyebrows as the sun's rays hit his cute face, illuminating it as I try to pay attention to the road ahead. There's a purity, an innocence that shines on his expression when he's off in some dream.

The passion he exudes when talking about becoming a video game developer is absolutely infectious as well. When he starts speaking about his various ideas and the stories that he's created, memorized by heart, I feel mesmerized by his smile, his wild hand gestures, and the sparkle that's in his eyes. Not to mention how adorable he looks when he finds out a new game that he's excited for is coming out soon.

The way he laughs at my jokes. The way he blushes at my compliments. The focus he has when he cooks and the smile that appears when I happily eat the end result. Almost anything he does or makes is something that I find myself falling for because it's a part of Tomoki. And I want to love all of him.

But most of all, Tomoki is important to me because he makes me feel normal.

When I came out as gay, there were varied reactions. But the one thing that remained constant was a change in behavior. I noticed it among many people.

My brother became distant for a while and he stopped talking about pretty girls around me. Izumi got closer to me and started talking animatedly about boys whenever she wanted with me. Awkwardness arose around Kouji and Junpei. And while Kouichi himself didn't change, I ended up using his as my personal advisor concerning my sexuality.

Some friends were disgusted while others became cold. As for the ones that were okay with it, with me, they pulled insensitive and misinformed jokes thinking they were funny. Guys became skeptical of my friendliness while girls became bubbly with it.

But Tomoki was just Tomoki. He didn't change and our relationship didn't either. We were still friends that watched each other's backs while sharing everything. That's just how it was. That's how I hope it will remain to be.

I take out my phone, about to make a call when I remember what Kouichi told me. "Twenty four hours," I say. "I wonder if I can wait that long."