BLUE SCRUBS
First of all thanks to A V Mabs for your very positive review. To be fair, I think if I'd explained that this was a musical and the first chapter was nothing but a cast list with a little background detail, it might have been better, but it was great to have the support. Thanks for the constant support from Gypsy Abby as always, and for the guest reviewer who asked for more Zax, try this next scene.)
ACT ONE SCENE TEN
THE CANTEEN, HOLBY PRISON
(To Mrs Bateman's obvious disapproval, male and female prisoners are encouraged to sit with each other as part of the new reforms by Mrs Beauchamp. The Jeffs are serving, a task they're both proud of. Sorry, more Gilbert and Sullivan to start with. (I'm old!) This is to the tune of the raffle song from Patience. These can all be found on You Tube, or just feel free to make up your own tune.)
JEFFS: Come walk up, there's porridge with some sugar in-
Robyn, do stop dreaming, love, and let some other bugger in.
(Robyn moves up hastily.)
Sorry we can't serve it with an overflowing mug o'gin-
We'd get told off for it and it isn't worth the pain.
Scrambled eggs and bacon and HP sauce for the hell of it,
If you're scared to eat it, then feel free to have a smell of it.
We're such stunning cooks one day the history books will tell of it,
Such an opportunity may not occur again.
(Zoe sits down with a bowl of porridge and a mug of tea. Max sits next to her with a full English and she gets up to move away. He grabs her hand.)
ZOE: Don't you touch me, con-artiste!
MAX: Please don't make a scene or Mrs Batemean will be round and then we'll get no breakfast at all, will we?
ZOE: Oh, sit where you like. I suppose you eat like a pig too.
MAX: Why don't you like me? Is it because I'm not a good little vegetarian like you?
ZOE: Why don't I like you? Let me see…
(She sings to 'What is this feeling' from Wicked:)
ZOE: What is this feeling, so sudden and new
That I felt the moment I laid eyes on you?
MAX: (Holding her hand to his heart, which sadly doesn't impress her one bit.)
MAX: Feel my heart pounding, my head is reeling.
ZOE: (Disgusted.) Hell, you're astounding. What is this feeling?
What's this fervid flame? Does it have a name?
YES!
Loathing, unadulterated loathing, for you, reptile in man's clothing.
Let's just say I loathe it all, every little trait, though big or small
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl with simple utter loathing.
MAX: (Undeterred.) There's a wild exhilaration
In your total detestation,
You're so tough, so strong.
Though I admit it came on fast,
I believe my love will last.
ZOE: (Bashing him over the head with her tray.)
I will be loathing, loathing you my whole life long.
(Mrs Bateman seizes Zoe, Jacob seizes Max and they are dragged off to report to Mrs Beauchamp.)
CALVINO: Ah, she likes him. Today the bop on the head. Next year, the wedding bells!
(He sings a very tuneful bit of the Wedding March. Ethan comes over smiling.)
ETHAN: A letter for you, Angel. I mean, Calvini.
CALVINO: Ah so you like the boys? I have to tell you I like the girls.
ETHAN: No, you don't understand and I'm not surprised. Angel was the perfume worn by my ex girlfriend. Yesterday that thug Bonnie was wearing it when she tried to plant drugs on Ben, as you know. Now I have Angel on my mind day in, day out.
(He sings to the tune of 'I Can Hear the Bells' from Hairspray.)
ETHAN: I still feel the smells,
Plundering my nose!
When I smell that scent,
My self control just goes.
Okay, I loved my first love, I wish she was still there,
But she left me. Who said that life was fair?
But now Lily was in here yesterday
And that perfume came walloping my way.
And then she saw me, yes she looked straight at me,
And I want her, my lady of Tai Chi and my
Heart burst, now I know what love's about,
I adore her, though that perfume knocks me out.
I can smell that smell, my head is spinning,
I can smell that smell, my life's beginning,
Everybody says a man as meek as me
Could never win her love but let's wait and see for
I can smell the smell, ooh it's so rich and
I can smell the smell, I want that bitch and I'm horny!
Corny, but I can smell the smell.
(As usually happens in a musical, only Calvino is able to hear him.)
CALVINO: I shall do all I can to help you get together with the fragrant Lily. Well, I suppose I should open my letter.
(He opens it and the blood drains from his face. The letter falls to the floor.)
CALVINO: They are coming for me on Friday.
END OF SCENE TEN
SCENE ELEVEN
CONNIE'S OFFICE
(Max and Zoe sit there like naughty schoolchildren.)
CONNIE: I'm not going to send you down the block this time but I warn you Zoe, you'd better stop channelling your inner Anne of Green Gables and whacking people on the head if they say something you don't like. And you can stop smirking, Max, you're far from innocent. Now get out, the pair of you.
(They go out and then Max puts his head round again.)
MAX: Calvini's waiting outside. Shall I send him in?
CONNIE: Yes. Thank you. And be off with you!
(Max scuttles off and Calvino comes in. Connie can tell from his face that something is badly wrong.)
CONNIE: Sit down, Calvino. Is that a letter to show me?
(He hands it over like a naughty boy in trouble. She reads it.)
CONNIE: Coming for you, Friday, are they? Rita!
(Rita emerges from under the desk. Calvino doesn't look at all surprised.)
CONNIE: Rita, tell Doctor Keogh I need to see him now.
RITA: I'm scared of Doctor Keogh.
CONNIE: Stop being a baby; off you go.
(She hurries off and comes back looking scared out of her mind. Dylan strides in. Before either Calvino or Connie can speak, thanks to our wonderful special effects team, he suddenly turns round and is dressed in a top hat and tails, surrounded by adoring female reporters who have appeared from nowhere.)
REPORTERS: Oh oh, Doctor Keogh, we're all his.
He's our hero you know, and ooh what luck for here he is!
DYLAN: I don't care about a huge TV, Internet, games for free,
No no not me, all I care about's my dog,
My Dervly Wurvly.
I don't care about a big posh car, groping down Zoe's bra, no no not me,
All I care about's my dog.
Picture two eyes of brown, softly pleading 'hose me down',
When I see her splashing free, keep your knighthood, that's enough for me.
I don't care about big fat cheques, satin sheets, kinky sex,
No no not me… all I care about's my dog!
(The scene fades and he's wearing his normal doctor's uniform.)
DYLAN: How can I help?
CONNIE: We need you to fabricate a horrible highly infectious disease by Friday morning!
(Calvino kneels and kisses Connie's feet.)
END OF SCENE ELEVEN
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