'But why did you kiss her Jay?' Amber asked him quietly. She was sat on the edge of his bed, opposite Patch who sat at his computer desk. They were both looking at him for answers, while he paced maddeningly across his tiny bedroom. They'd been with him since the early hours; since he'd screamed for help when Ebony had gone limp in his arms. Patch had come and gone, checking up on Ebony and then checking up on him, the poor doctor had been back and forth since dawn. Amber; well, he didn't really know why Amber was still here.
Her question caused him to stop pacing; it was like walking into a wall. No one had asked him that yet. He's been barraged with questions like 'what was she doing in your room?' 'How did she get up here?' How did she end up unconscious in his arms?' And he'd told them the truth; all of it, despite how awful he felt about it. But no one had actually asked him about the kiss, they had accepted what had happened and gone downstairs for an early breakfast. Of course it would be Amber who asked him about the one thing he didn't want to elaborate on.
He sank to the floor, pulling his knees into his body and pressing his hands into his face. 'I kind of thought I was dreaming at first,' He murmured sadly. 'Every night I dream that she comes to me and forgives me for what I did. Maybe a part of me knew that I was awake, I don't know. I just wanted her to be there, I just wanted to have her back. I didn't know she was hurt.' His throat felt hard. He dropped his hands from his face and looked down at his toes.
He heard Amber's sharp intake of breath. She let it out again slowly, saying 'It's ok Jay,' she moved from the bed to the floor beside him. He decided not to be rude and move away from her, even though that's what his body was telling him to do. He didn't flinch when she put her hand on his, even though his hand was straining to get away from hers. 'Nobody blames you for... missing Ebony. And nobody thinks you hurt her or anything; so don't beat yourself up about this. Patch has already told you that she popped those stitches coming up the stairs. And she's fine. She's not impressed that Siva yelled at her, but Patch has redressed her wounds and she's going to be ok.'
Jay looked at Patch for confirmation; even though he knew Patch had already told him this news three times that morning. He needed the reassurance; he was angry with himself. He'd pulled Ebony into a passionate embrace without a thought of how unwell she still was. He had, for the most part, thought she was a vision from a dream; but he still felt like he should have reacted better to the situation. It was only when she'd fainted and he'd seen her blood on his arms that he'd truly realised she was really there, and panic had overcome him.
Patch nodded his head, smiling tiredly. 'She's going to be fine. And nobody blames you for what happened Jay. Not even Ebony I don't think. She won't tell us why she came up here, before you ask; she's not really said anything.'
Jay nodded, his throat still feeling tight. I just keep hurting her. He understood what Patch and Amber were saying, but that didn't change the way he felt about last night. And it wasn't just last night; it was all his fault; every bit of it. If he'd not kissed Amber at the Eco camp then him and Ebony would be a million miles away from here, happy, and the baby... well, they would still be having a baby. He felt sick to his stomach every time he remembered what he had cost them; what he had cost Ebony.
He cleared his throat. 'Right well, if you guys don't mind I'd like to get some sleep. It's been a long night.'
Patch gave him a nod and headed for the door; the poor doctor looked so tired, Jay hoped he would be able to get some sleep this morning, rather than heading straight to the hospital. Amber seemed to hesitate slightly before following after Patch.
Jay let out a deep sigh; he got up from the floor and shut the door firmly behind them, pretending he didn't see Amber still lingering the hall. He didn't even want to know what she wanted; he felt like his brain simply couldn't take anything else today. He'd told them he was going to sleep, but he knew that wasn't going to happen. On top of everything that had happened in the last week between him and Ebony, there was still the fact that they were back in the city, and still very much in danger. Ram had locked down the city; so it was impossible for the Tribe to go out and gather food or anything they needed. They were working hard to ration the hospital supplies they had stolen from the Techno shipment so they wouldn't give themselves away by using too much; but more and more kids who'd been involved in Ram's game to capture Jay were walking into the Mall expecting help; and Salene was finding it impossible to turn them away.
Java had already been round, threatening the Mallrats for being involved with Jay and Ebony's disappearance. Jay had to hide out in his room most days, so that none of the kids from the game recognised him and it got back to Java or Ram that he was back. The last thing they needed was for the Techno's to come for them when Ebony was still so weak.
He'd been wracking his brain trying to think of ways that they could take Ram down, but he only seemed to be getting more powerful. With the promise of a new game, Ram had managed to quell the violence in the city and get the city kids back to work at the power plant in less than a day. The Mallrats were stuck. The only option he had was an old contact within the Techno's who he hoped he could convince to help them out. But even that was very risky, and he was taking some serious time to think about it. And with Ebony not being back to full strength he was putting it off; he hadn't even mentioned it to the rest of the Tribe yet.
He spent a long time getting showered and dressed, his brain on overdrive. He was exhausted by the morning's drama, and he was going crazy from being stuck in the Mall. If he could, he would have gone on a long walk to clear his head, but Ram's cameras were everywhere.
It was still early, the sun had only risen an hour ago, and the cafe was still empty. This was the only time of the day that Jay could walk freely around his home. The Mallrats didn't open the hospital until 9 unless there was an emergency, so most mornings he could at least have breakfast with his Tribe.
The cafe was deserted however when he reached it; he figured most of them had gone back to bed after being woken up by the commotion in his room that morning. He spotted a lone cup on a table, still full of tea, and picked it up to take over to the sink. His stomach rolled when he smelled that it was strawberry and ginseng; Ebony's favourite. She must have been here before she came to his room last night.
He stopped and looked at the cup in his hands, just an ordinary cup; he should be pouring it down the sink and washing the cup out. But it was getting harder and harder for him to let go of her. It was the little things, silly things really; he'd torn his room apart the day before looking for a hair clip she'd left on his bedside cabinet the day they'd left the city behind. The day before that he'd spent the day curled up in his bed with a shirt she used to sleep in; after he'd spent about an hour reading and rereading a note she's slipped him once while they were keeping their relationship a secret from the Techno's in those first days that he'd met her. He was pathetic, he knew it. But he loved her with everything he had; and she'd consumed him.
He emptied the tea into the sink abruptly, and turned the tap on full to wash the scent of the tea away as quickly as he could. It lingered in his nose and it made him angry. He could ask himself why all day long and still never come up with an answer. He asked himself every minute, how he could have not known that Ebony was the one for him, until the second he'd cast her aside for a woman he barely knew. He huffed out a breath and shoved himself away from the sink; away from the sweet perfume the strawberries had left in their wake.
He grabbed a quick breakfast and stomped back to his room in a dark mood. Usually his favourite part of the day was having breakfast with the rest of the tribe; it was the only part of his day where he wasn't hiding in his room alone. And since the frosty reception upon his return, things had gotten better with the others. He supposed it was probably because they could see the remorse all over his face; and because they knew he was suffering that they had decided not to be too harsh with him anymore. Even Siva had stopped glaring at him, and would occasionally let him know how Ebony was doing, if she was in a good mood. But today he'd heard the sounds of the Mallrats waking up and heading for the cafe, and he'd fled from it. He needed to be alone.
Patch had told him that nobody thought badly of him after what had happened last night but he wasn't so sure. And he really hated being the guy everyone was staring at and whispering about in the mornings. It had died down since that first day, but he was sure it would be back after what had happened this morning.
When he got back to his room he found Amber waiting for him, sat on his bed like she had been before. His heart sank; and he had to stop himself from turning and walking back out of the room; which was all he wanted to do now. So much for being alone today.
'I thought you were going to sleep?' she asked him softly when he sat down opposite her at his computer desk, trying to keep a polite look on his face.
'I decided to grab some breakfast instead.' He said shortly, hoping Amber would get to the point of her visit.
'Oh,' She said, clearly surprised by his abrupt answer. 'Um, I know you're not really in the mood to talk Jay but-' she stopped short.
He looked at her and saw that she was nervous about something. She was wringing her hands in her lap and averting her eyes from his gaze. She clearly didn't want to tell him what she had to say; which means it was probably bad news; the Technos most likely, or Ebony maybe.
He reminded himself that he and Amber had agreed to be friends, and despite the fact that he was going through a tough time, so was she and she deserved his courtesy. He'd been rude to her, and even though he knew he probably didn't want to hear what Amber had to say, he owed it to her to at least listen to her; she'd been nothing but helpful when they were looking for Ebony and he wouldn't have made it back to the Mall without her help.
'Sorry Amber, I'm letting my bad mood do the talking. Please, don't think that I don't want to talk to you,' he smiled at her as best he could, and nodded at her encouragingly 'Whatever it is, you can tell me. Even if it's bad news, I can handle it. Is it about Ram?'
'What? No,' she said, startled. 'It's about, well... I don't even want to ask Jay, but I have to know.'
She was looking anywhere that wasn't him; and she was clearly uncomfortable. Jay was beginning to feel the same. She took a deep breath and looked up at him finally.
'I have to ask Jay, if you still have feelings for me?'
All the oxygen in Jay's body made a dash for it, leaving him and his brain desperately stupid. He blinked in surprise. That was the very last thing he'd been expecting her to ask. They'd agreed in the woods that whatever had been between them was over.
He coughed, mostly as an excuse not to have to talk. She was looking at him imploringly, her eyes shining with unshed tears. He wished she would speak; tell him what she wanted from him.
'Amber,' he said quietly, 'we talked about this already, after what's happened, I don't think it's a good idea to be going over it all again.' He'd hoped to appeal to Amber's rationality, she knew that they'd already had this conversation; surely she must remember what they'd agreed.
'I know Jay, I know, but... I need us to talk about it again.' She was talking so softly, Jay had to lean forward to hear her. 'I know that you still have a lot of love for Ebony, and that you're not over what's happened.'
He was going to reply, but she carried on. 'But I know what that's like Jay, holding on to a love that you can't get over; even though part of you knows that you're never going to get it back. And that's the truth Jay; you have to know that Ebony will never forgive you.'
Her words were like a knife in his chest. Yes, he knew that, but he didn't need her to remind him. He needed to be alone with his grief, not have her shove the truth in his face before he was ready to accept it. He was getting angry with her.
'Yes Amber, I am aware that I completely ruined my relationship. What I don't understand is why are you telling me something I already know?' he'd raised his voice without meaning to, and she looked at him shocked, but then she nodded her head in understanding.
'I know you're angry Jay, of course you are. But you need to accept that it is over with her.' She whispered.
'What? Seriously Amber, what kind of person does this? Do you honestly think this is what I need right now?' he growled. He knew he was being foul tempered but what did she expect. You can't come into a broken man's room and rub salt in his wounds.
'I'm not trying to hurt you Jay,' she snapped at him. 'I just think you should accept that there is no future with her, and save yourself months of wallowing in self pity over a relationship that she certainly won't be mourning!'
'Excuse me, I think I'm allowed a little wallow time Amber; I didn't just lose Ebony, I lost our child! And if I'm not mistaken you're still pining after Bray, so forgive me if I don't take 'how to move on' advice from you.' He snarled back.
'I didn't come here to argue with you Jay,' she yelled at him crossly, her cheeks red.
'Then why did you come here?' he spat, folding his arms with impatience.
He saw all the fight leave her then; she sank back onto his bed, sighing. 'Because I think I'm in love with you.' She whispered.
The silence stretched long and tense between them. This time she looked to catch his gaze but he was the one who wouldn't look at her. How could she say this to him now? After everything that had happened? He knew that there had been something between them, of course he did, otherwise he wouldn't have kissed her. He and Amber had so much in common, they cared about the same things, they both wanted the same things out of life, and her passion for a better world had always stirred something in his heart, it probably always would. And she was beautiful, there was no doubt about that.
But he couldn't look inside himself and find those feelings anymore; who knew if they were still there? If they were, they were buried deep down under layers of guilt and remorse, and heartache over Ebony and the baby. He had no access to any of his other feelings anymore; he was consumed with what he had done, what he had lost and how he was going to ever be ok again. His feeling for Amber couldn't be farther out of his mind. And now she was saying that she loved him... Did he even believe that she could love him?
When he did look at her, she had tears rolling down her cheeks. He felt some of his anger melt away; she was suffering too. Perhaps not in the same way he was; but she too knew what it was like to love someone who wasn't coming back to you.
'What about Bray?' he asked his voice hoarse. He leaned forward in his chair and clasped his hands on his knees. He squeezed his knuckles together tightly, his body humming with tension.
She smiled softly, as though she was relieved he'd finally spoken. 'Well that's just the thing; that's why I came here. Lex and Pride are talking about ending this thing with Ram. God knows what they are even thinking, so don't ask, but, it made me think. If we can take down Ram, and we can get back those that were taken from the city...' she hesitated, biting her lip as though she was annoyed with herself, 'It made me think, do I want him back Jay?' Tears spilled over her cheeks and she sobbed, pulling her arms around herself.
Jay was reeling; he'd thought for sure that bringing Bray up would make her be rational about this, but he couldn't believe that she was questioning her relationship with Bray. From everything he'd heard from Ebony, and the rest of the tribe, and Amber herself, her and Bray were the ultimate soul mates, written in the stars, destined for each other and all that. Ebony had told him that she'd tried everything to win Bray for herself, but he'd only ever had eyes for Amber.
Amber looked so heartbroken sitting there, sobbing on his bed. He almost reached out to her, to take her hand or put an arm around her, but then he thought better of it; he didn't want her to get the wrong idea. Instead he tried to comfort her with words.
'Amber, surely you don't mean that. You love Bray I know you do.' He said slowly. Cursing the fates for putting him in this situation. He clearly couldn't hold his own relationship together, how on earth could he be expected to help Amber with hers? And now, after what she's said to him...
'I do Jay, and I always will, but he's been gone a long time, and I've found myself moving on. I have feelings for you too, strong feelings.' She paused and looked at him almost apologetically, 'Believe me, it's the last thing I want Jay.' She laughed softly, wiping some of the tears from her face. 'Forgive me, I shouldn't have just barged in here and told you to get over Ebony, that was... well, let's just say I'm not accustomed to feeling so out of control. What I meant to tell you, really, is that I care about you Jay, more than I care for Bray, and I would appreciate it if you would think about maybe, the possibility of us having something in the future.'
Jay gaped at her stupidly, fully aware that he looked like an idiot. He just didn't know what to say to that. He didn't think that he cared for Amber anymore, at least not in the way she said she cared about him. But, she was right, Ebony was never coming back to him and he couldn't be alone forever. It would take him some time to get over Ebony of course, but what then? Could him and Amber be a possibility in the future? They certainly had a lot in common. But then, if Bray did come back... And if Ebony were ever to change her mind... His kiss with Ebony last night flashed up in his mind; he could still remember the feeling of her lips on his, the taste of her and the softness of her skin. It pushed out any thoughts of Amber. And he was sure that's the way it would be for a very long time. He couldn't contemplate the idea of anyone else when he was still so in love with Ebony.
Amber was studying his face as he thought, and he saw understanding in her eyes. She smiled at him and got up. 'You don't have to say anything Jay; not ever if you don't want to. I just, I needed you to know how I felt. I just want you to know that if there's ever a day where you feel like you can move on too, then I'll be there. And in the meantime, I will be here too, just as a friend.' She laughed and shook her head. 'I'm so sorry, I've never really been very good at confessing my feelings. I'm sorry about those things I said.' She looks at him earnestly. He hadn't moved in some time; he was still processing.
'I'll talk to you later Jay,' she said, wiping her face one last time and then quietly shutting his door behind her.
Jay slowly leaned back in his chair, pushing the air out of his lungs in a deep sigh. He ran his hands through his hair in frustration; he'd thought he was dealing with a lot before, well, now it was twice as bad. Amber had pretty much told him she would wait for him to be over Ebony; but he wasn't even sure if he wanted to be with her. Had he given her the impression that he would change his mind eventually? He hoped not; he had no idea what he was feeling now, never mind how he would feel tomorrow, or next week, or next year. God how had his day had become this? It wasn't even noon yet.