"Okay. How do I get him to stop?" Joe asked, knowing that Shepard's continued like of him could very well lead to his demise. He'd had enough close encounters to last a lifetime.

Nah, not a life time. Maybe a month or something, but only if I was somehow inclined to be nice...then again, his lifespan is looking kinda short, so...eh, I guess it works out.

"The only way I know of is to have somebody kill you, since I doubt anyone's going to be able to kill him. You are the one that killed Jenkins, correct?" Dr. Chakwas asked.

"Yes…"

"So either get somebody to kill you or live with Shepard's affection for the rest of your life."

The second is going to happen regardless! And really, so is the first one.

"...No wonder you can scramble your name up to spell 'hacksaw'. You're the most pessimistic person I've met all day."

"Military doctors tend to be pessimists, so I assure you that it's nothing personal. And in about a minute, Shepard is going to want Kaidan to take another note, so you'd best make sure that they stay in order."

"Does it matter when ninety percent of it is just a nonsense word repeated over and over?"

"Hell if I know. Look, I have a lot to get done and I think it's time you got out of here. Why don't you head out there and thank Ashley Williams while you have a break. She is the one that carried you onto the ship so I could makes sure you didn't receive any serious trauma." Chakwas said, shooing him out.

"Yeah, I'll be sure to thank her for not leaving me there to die and instead indirectly letting my life continue as a living hell." He muttered under his breath.

God, can you be any more pessimistic? Oh wait, I can make you be...though on the other hand, it might be kinda fun to make you an optimist, and then slowly break you into a pessimist...nah, that's just too much work. Simpler to just torture you the old fashioned way. Unless I change my mind.

Joe's shoulders slumped and he walked out of the medbay and out into the dining area where everything looked like a rave. It was all so stupidly designed that Joe figured he didn't want to walk too far for fear he might stub his toe or accidentally knock something over. So, instead of walking anywhere, he went and sat down at the table. Like a pathetic douchebag.

"You ain't looking too worse for wear." Kaidan said, taking a seat across from Joe.

"Too bad. If I looked how I felt...no, Shepard would probably take me along even if I did look like that, who am I kidding..."

"At least he isn't going to make you write things down at the most random and inconvenient times."

"Oh, yeah, here." Joe remembered, handing Kaidan the notepad.

"Damnit." He sighed, looking at it and bringing up his omni-tool. "Screw it, I'm just taking a picture and adding that to the file… at least you've got decent handwriting."

"Thanks, I think that's the first thing you have said that's nice about me."

"Well, you DID kill a friend of mine."

"It's not like I tried to! It was an accident! I'm not used to having biotics!"

"... What?" Kaidan said in disbelief.

"Before suddenly appearing on Eden Prime, I didn't have biotics. I just sat around online, occasionally going to my job so that the toothpaste containers would have caps."

"... What."

"Kaidan, I'm a loser and I am a clutz. The fact that I'm alive right now is by all means a miracle of God or a play by the devil."

I'll accept either name.

"Honestly, you aren't that bad. Doesn't mean I like you but you do have biotic 'potential.'"

"Does this mean you'll help me learn to control my biotics?"

"No."

"I figured."

"Not because I dislike you, but because you're just as likely to end up throwing me out of the ship while trying to nudge a can as you are to actually move the can."

"Is there a way to restrain the biotics? You know, make them less strong so I have to work harder to use them?"

"Well, Chakwas has some biotic suppressants, so you couldn't do it on accident. But given that we're almost to the Citadel, and we're with Shepard, we're probably going to be doing some fighting, and you'd want them for that."

"Can you do that for me? She doesn't exactly want to talk to me right now."

"No."

"You are kinda an asshole." Joe said, getting up and walking away from Kaidan.

He immediately walked into and bounced off of Shepard, who was in full armor, so he basically ran face first into a metal wall.

"Joe! I was wondering when you'd join the party! It is in your honor, after all!"

"Party?" He said, scared out of his mind now.

"Yeah! You're a full member of the crew now! Welcome to the Normandy!"

"...Does this mean I'm getting paid for this?"

"Don't be ridiculous! You'll get paid AFTER the adventure!"

"Standard policy when working with the Commander, Joe. You only get paid if you live." Kaidan said,standing up himself. "It saves a LOT of credits that way."

"That's not very reassuring…" Joe trailed off as Shepard shoved a cup in his hand and steered the lazy bum away from the conversation.

"Look Joe, the way I figure it. If you survive and do your job, you earned the pay. Plain and simple." John slapped Joe on the back, figuring he was being reassuring.

"Yeah, again, good to know. Look, I'm not much of a party guy so if we could just… not do this now. That would be in my best interest." Joe said, figuring it was the nicest way to put it.

"Oh, I see, yeah, I get it." Shepard nodded understanding. "You don't think we can throw a big enough party for your taste just between here and the Citadel. Alright, we can wait and throw a way bigger one later when we've got more time, since you talked me into it."

"... That's not what I- This isn't a code here. I legitimately don't want a party." Joe said, hoping it would get through his head.

"Right. No party." Shepard winked in an overly obvious way.

"If you throw a party, I will not enjoy it. At all. Not even a little bit."

"What if I invited Ashley?" He asked, in a strangely knowing way.

"I..uh, what?"

"Yeah, then we can spit on her!" A devilish grin showed on his face.

"Why the hell would I want to do that? She's the only reason I'm still alive with the way you keep trying to get me shot, exploded, killed or all three at once!"

"You realize that generally, being shot or 'exploded' tend to lead to dying, so that was really redundant?" Kaidan commented.

"Kaidan, write that down. I might need that for later." Shepard said, snapping and pointing to Kaidan.

He glared at Joe. "If you're going to be here, can you at least try to not give him more more crap to make me write down?"

"Sorry." The ship made a loud sound like depressurizing.

"And that sound means we've docked with the Citadel." Shepard said, turning to go. "Suit up, and get meet me at the airlock...and tell Ashley to suit up too." He sighed. "I tried to talk Anderson out of it, but since she was there, apparently she's supposed to be there to answer questions or something."

"I'll go get her." Kaidan answered, walking off toward a hallway.

"Oh, Kaidan. Give Joe a tour while you are going to get her. There isn't much to show but he might as well know his way around." Shepard half ordered and half suggested.

"Yeah, alright."

"Also, write down popperclops. I'll know what it means."

"Yes. Sir." Kaidan responded through grit teeth.

"See? Smiling while following orders, now that's the sorta attitude to have! Attaboy Kaidan."

Joe followed him fast and just managed to get on the elevator as it closed. "Yikes, almost closed that on me."

"Yeah, it would have been horrible if that happened." Kaidan sighed, obviously annoyed with Shepard.

"You… really don't like me do you?" Joe said, moving over and leaning against the rail to put distance between him and Kaidan.

"Oh, you picked up on that did you?"

"Yeah. Sorry." He looked at the ground, shrinking into the corner.

"It's nothing personal, it's just that that tends to happen in the military when someone kills a squadmate. On second thought, forget that first part."

"Does it make it hurt any less that I was trying to save him?" Joe asked.

"Do me a favor. If you ever try to save me, just save Shepard instead."

"... What's Shepard's first name?"

"He gives a different one every time he answers, if he answers at all."

"Why?"

"Because, Shepard is an enigma. Not only is it a wonder he can function in society but it's also a wonder when he makes women wet and his higher ups love him."

"...So, what you're saying is the entire Alliance military is fucked?"

"That's another thing. Shepard, for all I hate him for, is the most effective military leader in the universe. Again, a total enigma. No one knows why he's this good and no one really asks why. They just accept it."

I wonder what would happen if I made Kaidan fall in love with him...I'd probably get a lot of women fans and make all the guys stop reading this because they'd be insecure in their masculinity. Also, Tali guarantees more views… Damn it internet. Give me creative liberty without consequence!

"So you and I and Chakwas are the only people who think otherwise?"

"Only people I know that're still breathing."

"Hey, you can add a fourth person to that list now." Ashley said, seemingly materializing in front of them.

"Hey Ashley…" Joe said, feeling awkward.

"Hey Joe. Still having trouble figuring out why Shepard seems to think you're the best thing since sliced bread?"

"Because he's a lunatic, as we just established." Kaidan responded.

Joe rubbed the back of his head and thought about it. "I don't know. Maybe he sees something in me that no one else does."

"Like the ability to kill squad mates?"

"I'm still waiting for details on that." Ashley interjected.

"He tried saving him."

"Well, I meant to do it physically but I found out that moment that I had biotics."

"... Huh."

"Yeah, maybe Shepard just sees a sort of surrogate son." Kaidan commented. "You know, one he can turn just like him."

"Joe doesn't strike me as the suicidal sort."

"Wasn't I asking you to kill me just yesterday? And also like...ten minutes ago?"

"Nah, it's gotta be something else… Maybe Shepard is… infatuated with you, Joe."

"What? No! I mean, not that there'd be anything wrong with it if that's what it was, but no! Just no!"

"It would explain how he reads that much Fornax and claims to only read the articles." Kaidan mused.

Joe put his head in his hands. "Ugh, I hate today."

"I'd just like to point out that while you two lost and killed a single squadmate, respectively, I lost my entire unit. Just to put things in perspective for you."

Uh, mopey mopey mopey. Alright, let's TIME SKIP. Lets see... Scroll scroll scroll. Ah, good, the meeting with the council. Good, this is what we all have been waiting for.

"Saren did it! He did the thing!" Shepard started.

"Shepard, they can't hear you yet. The holograms aren't on." Udina said, annoyed.

"Then turn them on!"

"Is it really necessary for him to be here?" He glowered at Anderson, eye twitching.

"Shepard is vital to our case. If we want Saren to get arrested, which we do, then we NEED Shepard to present evidence in our favor." Anderson replied.

"Yes. 'Evidence.'" Kaidan whispered to nobody in particular.

"Is Shepard probably going to do that nonsense deduction thing again?" Joe asked.

"Probably."

"That reminds me-"

"Let me guess, sir." Kaidan sighed. "'Write down popperclops, you'll know what it means'?"
"Actually, I was going to say I want you to write down 'Saren sucks', but write that down too. I'll know what it means."

"I fail to see how you'll know what it means, Commander." Ashley said.

"It's all about the inflection, Williams. Inflection and-"

"Council's on." Udina interrupted.

"Saren did it! He did the thing!"

"...Hello Commander." The Asari said, unphased.

He coughed and righted himself. "Yes, hello counselor. How's your day going?"

"Fine but-"

"If I may cut you off there ma'am. We need to act fast. The Geth that attacked Eden Prime were lead by one of your Spectres named Saren Arterius. Now, while I understand it is baffling to think that someone you hand picked to be a guardian of the galaxy, but you must step back and look at his record. While I do regard your policy as innocent until proven guilty but you also must take into account past cases to weigh his true innocence." Shepard spouted, getting surprised looks from everyone.

The Turian and Asari exchanged a look. "Well, Commander… Unfortunately, Commander, while Saren's record has had blurs to the accuracy of reports, we cannot just take those into account when viewing a Spectre's current charges. You will need to provide accurate and true evidence to support your claims. Once you do this, we will be able to take this more...seriously."

"I agree." The Salarian commented. "With all due respect commander, if we prosecuted one of our Spectres every time there was a complaint, the organization would no longer exist. It is simply the nature of the position."

"... Did… Did birdface here just say he couldn't take me seriously?" Shepard said, pointing to the Turian.

"Shepard, you might want to rephrase that comment. One might take it as xenophobic." Udina remarked, pulling at his collar.

"No, I'm using it as an insult and to make him feel bad for his blind racism."

"So you're being racist in response to racism?"

"Yes."

"Commander, this kind of unprofess-"

"You were the one that started the unprofessionality by stating that you cannot take humanity seriously. Obviously, you are harboring ill mannered feelings for humans in this case and must be struck from the trial as you have a larger stake in this than anyone else. Or does everyone here not remember that Councilor Sparatus was serving his mandatory service during the 'Relay 314 incident'?"

The turian's face solidified. "Commander, are you suggesting that I'm unfit for my position?"

"For this particular trial, yes I am." Shepard held his ground, everyone in the room was obviously fighting to keep their jaws from dropping. He wasn't just good, he knew the legal system well. Too well...

"There is no trial yet." He responded. "As it is, all we've heard is a few claims from traumatized dockworker, second hand claims I might add. As is, there's barely an investigation, and that's just a formality."

"May I point out that omni-tools have a tracking system in them and you could literally just check where Saren was during the attack?"

The Asari cut in before the Turian could. "Commander, Spectres are the only people, aside from the STG and such agencies that are allowed to go completely dark to complete assignments. If we did check Saren's status at the time, it would just show that he was here on the Citadel in his issued apartment via decoy."

"... So, what you are saying is… That you have given people license to destroy the galaxy with your blessing. No way of tracking, no way of looking into or finding evidence via their persons?"

They looked at each other as if to say 'when you put it that way...'

"Fine then, we are done here. I'll get you your proof and when I do… well, we'll talk about what humanity will be suing the council for."

"Suing the-"

He cut them off by hitting the off button. "And if I was holding a microphone, I wouldn't just be dropping that bitch, I'd be spiking it into the ground like I just made the winning touchdown at the superbowl."

"Shepard, that was… I'm… SUING THE COUNCIL?!" Udina finally got out. "They are the judges, not come corperation that you can- By god, they will just declare themselves innocent."

"Look, that's why we make a deal to make me a Spectre. We just promise that we won't sue them if they do. Plus, I doubt they are smart enough to realize that. I mean seriously, None of them actually looked to see that Sparatus fought against humans. That's like the first thing we would go for."

"Well, I hope you can back up your talk, because unless you find the evidence, we will be screwing ourselves out of more than just a Spectre position."

"Oh, we will...Kaidan-"

"If you say 'write down popperclops' I will jump off this ledge right here and now."

"Okay...record the word popperclops."

"Permission to speak freely sir?"

"Okay."

"Go fuck yourself."

"I would, but the ladies wouldn't like that too much."

"Oh, thank god he's not gay." Joe sighed in relief but much louder than he meant to.

"...Joe, we're already dealing with racism here. We don't need homophobia too."

S7: Grrys, take a note. Grrys sounds like fries.

Grrys: … I'd never realized that…

S7: Lies!

T117: *Slow sarcastic clapping*.

S7: Surprise!

T117: Are you just gonna do this the whole time?

S7: Nah, I was just doing it because… I don't know. It's late and I'm tired.

Grrys: And it's a longer chapter than we've been doing.

S7: So, I think we should do question chapter for chapter 10. You guys cool with that?

T117: Sure.

Grrys: Chapter 10? Sure!

I'm not in favor of that.

T117: Yeah, well, too bad narrator. That 'the floor disappeared stuff' might fly with our characters, but not with us.

Fine.

Grrys: So ask questions of us and we'll do our best to answer them! I think…

Uh, no you won't because I am answering all questions that the readers ask. That way they don't get like the three of you giving bullshit, everyone has an opinion answers. Also, I get kinda lonely when you guys aren't around. Seriously, a whole month to put out a chapter. It's like I was locked in a basement.

I wish I had your problem. Instead I never get any peace and quiet between Bourne, Iron, Hero, Iron, and everyone else.

Well, stay a little bit later and I'll keep talkin' to you in this voice doesn't it just make you wanna-

S7: Whooh there, we don't need anyone describing how disembodied voices get it on, okay?

Cockblocker.

S7: Buh… Zuh… Disembodied means you don't have one!

Yeah, and I'm literally a computer program, without any real physical shell that you could get it on with.

S7: So go wait in your corner for the Glitching a World of Fiction cameos! Nobody cares about you until that comes about.

Grrys: Long chapter, disembodied voices trying to get down and dirty, and we're answering reader questions in a few chapters. This is just another ordinary day in the life of authors who can't keep their characters under control. Which is why I have so few.

T117: Yeah, and , I just realized I haven't used CTHI in the SaWoF ANs in like...a long time.

I wish I had a face so I could glare at you.

T117: Anyway, I think we better wrap this up. Sayonara.

Grrys: Generic send off!

S7:1473I2