The school year wore on and her counselor upped the pressure machine. She hadn't even applied to a college yet and Maryann was worried.
Was it because of money? The divorce?
No, Irene seemed to feel enough of a parental debt to Sarah to pay for the car, classes, books. A hundred percent of the community college's tuition came out of Irene's trust fund. Irene asked her all the time about college, happy to chirp away about how great it was and the best time of your life, blah, blah, blah.
The hidden subtext was that people who didn't go to college were damaged, losers who would never amount to anything. Like her mother, whose biggest part had been the understudy to Grizabella in the Chicago run of Cats.
Most "kids" her age were already in grad school.
Out of obligation more than motivation, she applied to three different schools--one in San Francisco, one in New York, and one in Britain. The third one was completely on a lark, her only thought that she might be able to find Jareth's replacement, or at least a passing substitute.
Irene was delighted that she had applied to colleges.
"Well, you're going to have the time of your life. You'll have so many friends that you'll wonder how you'll ever find time to study."
Irene was wearing a black spandex bodysuit, as if she were either about to dance a modern interpretive ballet or accompany Jacques Cousteau to snorkel the barrier reef.
"I don't think I'll have that problem." Sarah had no friends in her current college; therefore she surmised that nothing about her situation would fundamentally change if she went to another college.
"You've made the right decision. Time to move on with your life." Irene was smug and self-satisfied, as if she was trying to imply that there was a parallel between her moving on from Sarah's father and Sarah's eventual flight to college. If there was was one thing Irene possessed, Sarah thought, it was nerve. Pure, unadulterated chutzpah.
"Can you babysit Toby tonight?"
Sarah felt a surge of obnoxiousness coming on. "Why are you even asking? You usually don't bother."
"You don't have to be snippy. Chad and I have hotel reservations downtown."
"Fine, I'll babysit."
"Thanks. You're welcome to have your friend over, you know."
"My friend?"
"Your friend . . . Seth." Irene looked at her with a naughty gleam in her eye. "He's cute."
"Glad you think so. I'll tell him for you." Sarah bounced off the couch and headed for the stairs.
"You do that, girlfriend." Irene smiled a mouthful of veneers and sashayed out of the room, her legs encased like twin black sausages. Sarah felt a headache threatening to come on.
Irene and Chad left at six forty five. By seven, Toby called to ask if he could sleep at his friend's. In loco parentis, she told him Toby stay the weekend at his pal's if he liked. She was left all by herself in the house. The thought of trying to conjure the goblins or their king again was just too damn depressing, so she called Seth.
"Where's Irene?" He asked.
"Where do you think? She's out with her boy toy."
"She's still going out with that douche?"
"No signs of stopping." She cradled the phone uncomfortably.
"How's your story coming along?"
"My sci-fi?" She played with her napkin. "Fine. I work on it in the mornings before school."
"Do you want to go out somewhere?"
"No. We can rent a movie."
"All right."
Seth came to her door of her house with a bouquet of flowers and a videotape.
"What are these for?"
"Because I like you a lot." He kissed her on the cheek. They kissed each other frequently now, whenever they were alone. Like him, she was addicted to it, the sensations it gave her.
She let him in and went to the kitchen to get a vase. He followed her.
"I'm considering joining the Marines." He blurted out behind her.
"Why would you do that? So you can go die in the Persian Gulf!"
"I won't get sent there. It's almost over anyway, and we're gonna win."
"Is that what they tell you at the recruitment center?"
"I might not even qualify, Sarah. You have to be in perfect health."
"You are in perfect health. Of course they'll take you." She hosed the water into the vase disdainfully. It sloshed out. She shoved the flowers in rudely.
"They'll pay for my college."
"It's bait!"
"Serving your country is bait?"
"I don't know."
"Look, Sarah, you're not going to be around here in a year and I have to think about the future. I'm not like you--my parents don't have money for a university. Hell, I paint houses every summer just to afford Bryce Community."
"What about loans? Scholarships? Can't you go to college without serving in the military?"
"I haven't made a decision yet."
Sarah knew she would be accepted into the three colleges that she had applied to. Of course she would. She had a 3.9 average at Bryce and her father and stepmother had plenty of money. As far as the college admissions people were concerned, what was there not to love?
"Seth, I don't know that I'll even go to university. Why should I?"
"Sarah, come on! To have a college education practically thrown at you? Do you know how lucky you are? I wish I could have it like you do." He said bitterly.
"I'm sorry!" The guilt of her privileged status ravaged her.
"Don't be sorry, just appreciate how good you have it for once!"
"For once? What do you mean by that?" She grew defensive, her eyebrows gathering over her eyes like thunderclouds.
"Be happy is what I mean, Sarah. Sometimes you just have to be happy."
"Do I have to?"
"Uh-huh. Because if you're not happy, they line you up and shoot you."
"Huh?"
"Let's watch the movies I got."
They watched their movies and drank too much cola. Their dietary choices had been markedly similar to Toby's usual fare, she noted with amusement as he helped her clean the mess from the coffee table.
He would have left if she had let him.
He would have gone home to leave her to another one of her lonely nights with a book or a hot bath or any one of a hundred diversions she had designed to avoid boredom on the weekends.
He didn't go home.
A goodbye kiss was intensified by too much caffeine and the idea that he was leaving her and vice versa. A kiss became a caress, a caress an embrace. Suddenly, all the things she had fantasized about doing to him (and letting him do to her) were coming true.
She never asked him to stop, not once.
She was amazed at herself these days. Unleashed, her lust got her into all sorts of trouble. She had been a passionate lover, ravenous for every touch. She had matched him in frenzy and ardor.
Her virginity was gone.
That lovely prize that she had wanted Jareth to claim had been wasted upon the local neighbor boy. She could feel the phantom Jareth cringing somewhere in remorseful pity, if only in her twisted subconscious.
She had officially grown up.
As Seth slept beside her, his dark brow solemn and angelic in slumber, she knew she should feel regret, but didn't. It had felt great. Everything he did to her. Her body reacted pleasantly with the thought alone. There were definitely rewards. She felt that she had been freed. Her virginity had been like an addiction that was no longer stimulating, not been a monkey on her back but close.
Wouldn't Tina be jealous once she found out? Let her be.
You always idealized what you couldn't have.
Seth stirred. She kissed him on his forehead. His eyes fluttered open, long black eyelashes pulling apart.
"Sarah." He murmured and smiled.
She bent to kiss him again.
"Noooo. I have morning breath." He turned his face from her.
She kissed his stubble cheek towards his mouth. "I don't care." She whispered.
"How are you feeling?" He looked at her appraisingly.
"Fine." She smiled. "Better. Glad that I let go."
"I was kind of reminded of the librarian who lets her hair down and you know . . . look out."
"Yeah, except I don't wear glasses."
"I love you, Sarah."
Damn, Sarah thought. She couldn't say it back to him. What had happened the night before hadn't been love, at least not to her.
"Seth, I . . . "
"Don't worry about it. You don't have to say it." He tried to be light, but she could see that he was crushed by her inability to reciprocate.
"I can't say it. It would be wrong."
"Okay."
"Thank you, Seth." She nuzzled his neck.
"You want another go?" He looked under the covers. "I don't know if I have the energy after last night."
"No, maybe later." With the promise of maybe later, Seth was cheered. They rose from her bed, where all of her dolls, bunnies, bears, and stuffed characters had watched the previous night's events. It was eerie.
Seth left in the afternoon after much kissing and deliberating. She was slightly tired and more than a little glad to have some time to herself. As she returned to her room, the memories of Seth still floating around like ghosts, she finally felt the sadness of what she had done. In her mind's eye, Jareth stared mournfully at her through the mirror, oh she of zero faith.
"Give me a little credit here." She said to the mirror, not amused by the fact that she was already talking to herself again. "I waited until I was twenty-two."
The mirror was silent and dark. Slightly sorrowful, she reached around the back of Shakespeare for the spellbook.
It was gone.
She knew she had put it there. The Labyrinth book was still in its rightful place.
Her mind immediately flew into accusation-mode. Had Seth found the book and perhaps taken it from her?
No, he wouldn't do that, she thought. Seth's not interested in magic. Toby, then? Or Irene?
She raged through her room, tearing books, stuffed toys, and ephemera from the shelves, throwing piles of junk on the bed. Instinctively, she knew the spellbook was gone. Two hours later, she had proved herself correct. Maybe it had never existed in the first place.
She cried bitter tears once again, sobbing until she had used half a box of tissues and her nose was red and her eyes were bloodshot. She was so sick of herself.
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