Lucid Dreams

Rant: Wthell is with MS word's obsession with Calibri font and size 11... Could have picked a much better default!

Too many distractions in Korea =_=

Dream 7: Liars and Lovers

The previous four (brief) entries have been crossed out to be unreadable. Tear drops, pencil slashes, and tears in the paper of the journal further contribute to its illegibility.

Renton Entry #10:

School was the same as usual. Almost to the point where I can't even remember if I had gone at all today. Nothing sticks in my memory anymore… but it doesn't matter. I think I've run out of tears by now, or at least I'm hoping that I've no more tears to cry. Eureka changed her schedule completely with the office at school. We only have biology together and even then we sit as far as physically possible from each other at the same desk. I wonder if Holland knows what happened… No, I doubt he would… He'd have murdered me by now for touching Eureka like that…

In a sense, I guess I got what I deserved. I was too impatient, too greedy… Of course Eureka wouldn't be ready for any of that. She just moved here and even then she's still so unaware of so many things. I'm such an idiot. Gidget and Moondoggie never seem to mention her after that weekend… I'm glad for that. But I wish someone would tell me what to do. But then again, what can I do? I have to keep my distance from Eureka… I've caused her enough stress as it is.

The worst part about all this? I don't even dream of her at night anymore… Even when I dream, I dream of nothing but of a white, empty world. I'm alone… No one's around… I want Eureka so badly… I need Eureka so badly. But she doesn't want me, or need me. I barely catch her smell these days. Sometimes I wake up and my window is open… The wind blows in and I catch something sweet… and then I start crying. When I sit next to her in the morning that same smell taunts me… I don't know how much longer I can last. I feel like I'll break down just being near her…

Gramps and Diane have been bugging me a lot, lately. They keep asking me what's wrong... but I could never tell them. There's no need for them to know. It felt kinda nice having them both yell at me for being so inconsiderate. It distracts me. I'm sure they'll keep bugging me for a while, and, maybe, I'll tell them one day. But if I do it now, I'll just end up crying and breaking down. That's the same reason I could never talk to Gidget or Moondoggie about Eureka...

Am I depressed? Maybe I am. Am I being a stupid, typical teenager? Maybe I am. All I know for sure is that it hurts... so much. I know if I could just hold her again, this pain will go away. Everything would be okay then. Everything would go back to normal. I could be happy again. But there's no way I could do any of that. She's the one who said no... She's the one who said we should spend time away from each other... It's all because of her...

I don't hate her… but all this pain she's caused me… I don't know what to do with all of it. No one can tell me what to do… Will I ever get to talk to her? Will I ever get to hold her again? I want to be upset with her… to hate her… to hurt her as much as she's hurt me… but I can't… Why do I get this feeling that I don't regret falling in love with her?

I want to at least see her in my dreams. If I can't hold her in reality, I want to at least be happy when I sleep. Can I at least be given that? I want Eureka… I need Eureka…

Eureka Entry #6:

It's Saturday night. The date last night went well. Today… No… I'm sorry, Diary, but I don't want to talk about it. Don't worry, Diary. Everything's okay. It doesn't hurt…

Eureka Entry #7:

I just finished all my homework. Not much else to do. Not much else really happened. Everything's fine though, Diary. Don't worry about me… I'm perfectly fine. It doesn't hurt…

Eureka Entry #8:

I had the front office change my schedule so my classes are all differently timed now. I still have bio first thing in the morning though… And I'm still seated next to… No, I don't want to talk about it. School is very lonely for me these days… But I'm fine. It doesn't hurt...

Eureka Entry #9:

It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt…

Eureka Entry #10:

Diary,

I need help. I need this pain to stop. I lied. It hurts. It hurts me so much to be away from Renton… to never talk to him… to never be in his arms… I miss him. I want him. I need him… These days I don't even want to wake up. I've never felt so lonely before. Why do I feel this way? I've never felt this way before in my life. And it hurts, so much. I want it to stop. Make it stop... How do I stop the pain? What do I do? What can I do?

Nothing makes sense to me anymore. These days I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't even want to wake up. But not even sleeping helps the loneliness… it's so empty and lonely in my dreams now. Why? Is it because I told Renton that we should stay apart? Why did I say that? What was I thinking? I'm such an idiot...

Those times that we're next to each other, I want to just talk to him... to just touch him... but that'd be selfish of me. I ended it... I have no right to run back to him... I don't deserve him... he deserves better. But to just imagine the idea of Renton being with someone else... I think I'd cry... I want to be with him again. But I can't. Maybe this is what I deserve... to be lonely, forever. It's why he won't look at me. I deserve it. But I hate it. I want to change it.

If I could have one wish, it would be to talk to Renton again… To take back those words I said and to just be with him forever. I was too scared to do that… too stupid to just accept him… What was I afraid of? I hate myself.

I can barely write anymore. My mind can barely think of words to say. Is it fatigue? Is it pain? I'm not sure, but maybe sleep will help me feel better... I get the feeling that it won't... Please, let me dream of Renton tonight. Just a dream… Let me be in his embrace and be happy again, like I used to be. Let me feel warm again… Let me be free of this loneliness…

Goodnight, Diary.

They were quite well acquainted with this scene now; a white, empty world. Their dreams for the past few days (if they had dreamt at all) had this setting. Renton and Eureka sat back to back and stared out into the vastness. It was so lonely, so cold. Neither was quite aware of each other at that moment, much like their first dream. Both were too caught up in their loneliness and angst to notice the other. Perhaps it had always been like this; the two believed that they were alone in this world the past few dreams, but were in fact simply facing away from each other at those times. Regardless, things were different now.

"I want to see Eureka."

"I want to see Renton."

The couple stood up and turned towards each other. There was no denying that they were aware of each other now. This was it. They had wished for this; to see each other and to be able to at least be happy in their dreams. But they stood still. Words failed them both and neither could think of how to end this silence. It was taking too long. Someone needed to act. Someone needed to take the first step. But who would do it?

"I've hurt him too much… That's why he never looks at me anymore… It'd be selfish of me to start…"

"I've hurt her too much… that's why she said we should stay apart… It'd be selfish of me to start…"

It was a standstill. No one was going to say anything. Too much time was passing them by. Too much time was being wasted. Eureka opened her mouth to speak. Words failed her as her voice died before it escaped her lips. At that moment, a thick, glass wall materialized and separated the couple. Sky-Fish fluttered around impatiently at Eureka's side. Things were different. Sky-Fish was black now. And odd, cruel aura hung around it as it spoke to Eureka.

"So you got your wish, and you're not going to do anything, Eureka?" It fluttered around Eureka's head and rustled her hair.

"I don't know what to do… I don't know if I'm allowed to do anything…" Eureka closed her eyes and fell to her knees. Her hand was pressed against the wall as Renton mirrored her hand with his, attempting to comfort her. She couldn't hear anything he said and he couldn't hear anything she said. Eureka wasn't even aware of Renton at that moment.

"You just couldn't handle the way things were going, could you? Everything was going perfectly, wasn't it?"

"It was going too fast… I was scared. I still am."

"And why are you scared?" Renton was pounding on the glass wall from the other side now. He hopelessly tried to tear it down and reach Eureka. She still wasn't looking at him; she remained woefully ignorant of anything beyond her space.

"I've never felt this lonely before in my life. I've never felt this much pain before… I don't know how to make it stop!" Eureka cried.

"What do you feel when you think of Renton?" Eureka looked up, her tears momentarily stopped.

"I… I'm not sure… I feel warm and happy… I feel safe when I'm with him. I feel like everything's right when I'm with him. I feel like nothing can go wrong when I'm with him." Eureka bit her finger softly. She still wasn't looking through the glass at Renton, despite how he tried his hardest to get her attention.

"So you loved him?" Sky-Fish spoke simply as Eureka simply nodded. She thought she understood love at this point. "And yet, because you loved him, you find yourself in a painful situation that you wish would end. That love is why you feel so much more pain now then you ever have before. Without it, what could hurt you?"

"I…" Eureka trembled and started crying again. She hid her face in her hands as her heart slowly crumbled and broke apart. Renton was yelling frantically as he persisted in breaking down the barrier. Cracks were forming slightly now. Just a little longer and Renton could...

"It is because of Renton that you are worse off than you ever have been before. It is because of Renton you feel such an emptiness threatening to consume you!" Eureka was shaking harder now. "Given the choice you made that resulted in so much pain, would you do it all over again?"

"I… I don't think I have it in me to love again…" The wall finally shattered. Eureka kept her face buried in her hands as the tears slowly dried up.

Renton walked towards Eureka and fell to his knees in front of her. For a moment, he didn't speak nor move. Why was he hesitating?

"Eureka…" She didn't answer immediately. "I…" His hands slowly moved towards her. She seemed so delicate, so fragile.

"Renton, don't touch me." Eureka felt Renton's hands reaching for her shoulders before they touched her. "Don't come any closer." He stopped short and pulled his hands back.

"Eureka, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine."

"Eureka… that's a lie." Eureka stiffened. She refused to look Renton in the eye as they knelt together. "Please just tell me what's wrong. I... I've wanted to talk to you… I've wanted to just be able to be like this with you."

"Why?"

"Please... just tell me what's wrong. What was that thing saying to you?" He glared at Sky-Fish who was fluttering away at a distance.

"It doesn't matter..."

"Eureka..."

"Why do you care?" Eureka's question had a harsh, yet soft tone, despite the sound being slightly muffled by her hands.

"Because…" Renton paused. He recalled that moment he couldn't tell her those words. "I could never say this when we weren't dreaming… and I'm sorry. I still can't tell you… because we're still dreaming… I'll say it again, Eureka…" He gulped. "I love you." Silence enveloped the two.

The conversation with Sky-Fish echoed in Eureka's mind. She wanted the pain to end. She wanted to never feel this way ever again. Why couldn't Renton understand that? Was this a test? It was, after all, a dream. If she could get through this, maybe the pain will end. She had to get through this. It was just a dream, but it was the first step to recovery. Eureka would be able to move on after this, she thought. She summoned her courage and finally spoke.

"I… I don't love you, Renton." Eureka lowered her hands from her face, but still wouldn't look him in the eyes. Renton felt himself go cold at that moment. He trembled as a familiar pain returned to his chest. It had returned with much more intensity this time, however.

"Eureka…" His hand reached for her again, trembling.

"I don't love you, Renton." She said it again with her voice slightly shaking.

"Eureka, look at me! Please!" Renton pleaded. He grabbed her chin harshly and lifted her face to lock eyes with her.

"I don't love you, Renton!" Eureka yelled defiantly as she glared into his eyes. She held firm as long as she could, feeling that she would crack at any given moment.

Renton's hand fell from her chin as he slumped. His eyes broke away from Eureka's just before they lost their composure and started watering. Eureka started to tremble, but Renton's gaze was at the ground, away from her. It was impossible for her to know what Renton was thinking at that moment. She didn't want to imagine it. She couldn't afford to be weak now. She had made up her mind to never be hurt so badly again. She couldn't love anymore. She didn't love anymore.

Eureka stood and slowly walked away, leaving Renton behind on the ground, silent and motionless; he was utterly broken. The world went black at that moment. Neither one of them could see each other now. Eureka took advantage of the moment and collapsed. She curled up as she erupted into tears and clutched at her chest desperately. Her cries of pain would never reach Renton. They could never reach him. Not now, not ever.

Renton finally burst into tears. The pain had become unbearable for him. He wished for it to all end. He wished for the ability to not feel anymore. He wished to die at that moment. Feeling the utter sense of worthlessness and helplessness grip him and hold him hostage, he despaired and anguished over his broken heart. He cried for all of it end. He cried for someone to rescue him. He cried for an angel; one who could caress him and take his pain away.

But his angel didn't love him anymore.