Chapter 7: More Research

Cas had again been gone during the day. When he showed up at night, Dean just shook his head. He was not in the mood. As a matter of fact, he had never been less in the mood than right now.

"You are aware..."

"Yeah, I know," Dean cut him off. "Just taking the night off." Then he demonstratively turned up the volume on the TV.

"Sam has called me," Cas said.

Dean ignored him. Of course Sam had called. Dean would have been surprised if he hadn't. When Dean hadn't picked up, he had turned to the next logical source of information.

"I told him that we're working on it."

"Well we're not, not tonight."

"So it seems. What shall I tell him next time he calls?"

"Tell him to get drunk, tell him... I don't care. Just don't tell him the truth."

Cas remained for a few moments longer, then left with a flutter. Good riddance.

-oOo-

The next morning Dean regretted his bitchiness.

None of this was Cas' fault. Not that he'd been transformed, not that the sex didn't work, not that Dean felt caught and cornered. But when Cas showed up in the evening, apprehensive, yet determined to give it another try, Dean was bitching around again. He just couldn't help himself.

"I am not the one who wants to change his sex," Cas said coolly after hearing out another of Dean's rants. "I do not have to do this. It is you who needs this... who needs me."

The truth of the statement stung. Dean prided himself on being self-sufficient. He was the one who helped, not the one who needed help. To know that he depended on Cas' mercy now was terrifying, was intimidating. "I can always go out there and find me some random guy!" he claimed.

"You wouldn't."

And, damn, if that wasn't the truth again. Ultimately, maybe, he would. But as long as Cas was here and willing...

"I'll be back tomorrow."

"What? You mean we're not gonna give it a shot tonight?" What had that been about Cas and being willing?

"You clearly couldn't get into the mood. It will be better tomorrow."

-oOo-

It was better the next day, though not by much. But they did give it a try. It was frustrating and not leading anywhere except pain for Dean. Which lead to two more nights without tries. Because Dean really wasn't a wimp, he could deal with pain just fine. But this was not just pain, it was humiliation and violation on top of it. And Dean had always been having a major problem with those two.

He knew he couldn't go on like this forever. Sooner or later Cas would leave him to sort out his fate on his own, and bad as trying it with Cas was, doing it with a stranger was even worse. The mere idea made Dean's skin crawl.

He was determined to make up with Cas when he showed up tonight. Because Cas was the only man he trusted with the matter.

Sam called. Again. He called more and more often now, and meanwhile was up to calling about every other hour. Dean never answered. He texted at best. For what could he tell him? "Sorry, still a girl, 'cause I'm too queasy to fuck"? Yeah, that would go over really well.

Cas fluttered into the room. Was it really that late already?

"How are you feeling tonight?" Cas asked.

Dean sighed. Truth was, he felt lousy. But he had to make up with Cas, so he shrugged. "Fine, I guess."

Cas wordlessly mojoed off the newly repaired street lights. The popping sounds were somehow comforting. Like at least something was still normal. Dean turned off the TV and Cas the main lights.

Dean heard Cas move over, heard him rustle with his clothes. Damn, he really started to hate that sound.

"I hope I won't upset you," Cass said softly, as he got under the covers. "Again."

That made two of them.

"I'm sorry I'm not better at this," Cas went on to apologize.

Dean's heart leapt when he realized why he only trusted Cas. It wasn't just that he was the least bad choice. He probably was even the best. How many other men would put their partner and her – respectively his – needs behind their own for days in a row? How many men would take so much bitchiness and still be back every night? Not many. "Thanks."

"For what? So far I haven't accomplished anything."

"Which isn't your fault," Dean admitted. "I just don't know how to handle this."

Cas put a finger to Dean's lips to shush him. "Don't worry, we'll sort it out. Sooner or later."

"Sooner would be nice."

"When the time is right."

Dean hated that attitude in Cas, but he didn't want to disturb the calm. So he put it in a joke. "I know that time is pretty dismissible for you angels. But me, I'm just a human, and we have rather limited life-spans."

"I am aware of that," Cas said. "Which is why I've done some more research."

Dean laughed. "More porn? Why, Cas, we're gonna make a man out of you yet!"

"I thought I already was one. As you said: I have a dick attached to my body."

"It takes more than that."

"It takes porn?" Cas sounded truly confused.

"No. It takes... Men, we... we gotta be dicks, sometimes, okay? It's in the job description. Women are bitchy, men are dicks. It's the way of the world."

"I can't imagine my father having that in mind when he created you."

"Well maybe not, but it's the way we turned out to be. Get used to it."

"I'm trying."

Cas' Hand on his waist made Dean jump, despite them being naked and in bed, and sex being the only purpose of their get-together. But Cas just left it lying there.

"Uh..."

"Familiarizing," Cas explained lazily, like he were on the verge of falling asleep.

"That's not gonna get me anywhere."

"Oh, I believe it will," Cas contradicted with an audible smile.

-oOo-

TBC