Typical Disclaimers Apply

Typical Disclaimers Apply

A/N: Dear readers, before I say this, please remember that I'm not complaining or threatening, but rather begging on hands and knees. I've noticed that, for my last few chapters, I've received no reviews. ZERO!! Which makes me somewhat sad. And I know I do actually have at least a dozen readers (and you're awesome, because you put up with me) so it would be really, really nice if you could maybe just click the little button in the corner? Please? For Snape? It doesn't even have to be a nice review; it can be along the lines of "This story's terrible. It's full of angst." But really, I don't know how much longer I can write without getting some sort of feedback.

On that note, whoever reviews this chapter will get the entire fifth story, Teacher's Guide to Dictatorship Rebellions dedicated to them.

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"I feel as though we should be worried," Sirius said plaintively, looking up from his book suddenly.

"Is this about that girl who got possessed by a necklace?" Esme smiled kindly at her husband.

"Well, no. I'm more worried about Mundungus stealing priceless heirlooms that are still legally mine and selling them on the street. I mean, I didn't go to the Grimmauld Place for one summer…" he trailed off, looking angry.

"Oooh, I see," Esme said, nodding sagely. This is a territory issue."

"I'm uncomfortable with thieves therefore I have 'territory issues'?" Sirius snapped.

"Yes," Esme said, placing her hands in front of her in prayer position. Sirius grinned.

"That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever."

"Yes it does," she said peacefully. "You couldn't give a shit about whatever he's selling. Last year you were ready to throw it in the trash. Mundungus, who is constantly broke, is probably just selling it so he can eat this week. You, on the other hand, would have let that junk collect dust while you lived a comfortable life in the castle."

"You're alarmingly optimistic."

"And I'm always right."

"You do realize that he's probably selling my family heirlooms to feed his addictions, right?"

"Again, as the wife, I am always right, or you go back to sharing a room with Slughorn and Sev."

"If I just stop talking, will you stop responding with threats?"

"Wonderful. It learns."

--

"Soooo, are we just being polite, or is someone finally going to bring up Dumbledore's dead hand and the fact that he's completely disappeared from the grounds?" Esme asked, eyeing the empty chair at the Head Table.

"I don't think it's courtesy. I think it's just forgetful writing." Snape and Esme turned to stare at Sirius, who smiled innocently back at them. "Just an idea…"

"Um right," Snape said slowly. "Well, Esme, I feel that we should not ask Dumbledore about his personal life, you know, out of respect."

"Pfft. If men's body parts just randomly shriveled up and died there'd be a hell of a lot more unsatisfied women in this world." She smiled innocently at her husband. "Though I don't include myself in that category…"

"That's okay Esme. I know you'll only keep us around until you decide which one you really want, kill the other one, and then kill the first after you realize that we're not fun unless you're toying with our emotions." Sirius sighed dramatically, "Some days I like to pretend that when you said 'I do' you meant forever. I've stopped drinking since then."

"For such an upbeat, um, bride, you two are a stunningly depressing couple."

"Yeah, I'm thinking of opening up a course for the young ladies of our school. Breaking Boys: It's not a Privilege, it's a Right. Think Dumbledore would approve it?"

"Don't you think you've done enough to traumatize each and every student in this school personally?" Snape massaged his temples dramatically.

"With this school's wonky teaching schedule, I don't think I've even taught, much less traumatized all of the students. Ooh! New end-of-year goal!"

--

"You know, I actually miss Ministry infiltration. It was irritating, but it gave us something to talk about. Everything's running too smoothly this year," Esme mused.

"If all goes as planned, they'll be back again next year, and you'll have to people to pull mind-fucks on," Snape said coolly.

"Well, I'm not going to ask any questions, but if anyone shows up at the castle and tries to hurt the children, you'll be dead at my hands."

"Seems appropriate. Care to go watch the Quidditch game?"

"Sure!" Esme giggled. My baby brother's playing today." Snape grinned at her, running his fingers through his greasy, graying hair.

"The one who never wins anything?"

"He won Hermione Granger."

"Ah, yes. Sometimes I forget that, to you, significant others are just cheap trophies."

"Damn straight."

--

"Fly little child, fly!" Esme cheered, cuddled between Sirius and Snape. Gryffindor was beating Slytherin and Ron was actually performing well. He'd already saved four goals. Esme was enthralled, but Snape seemed strangely apathetic. Well not strangely, more like characteristically. However, Esme's cheering regime was rudely interrupted by Hermione.

"Professor Black, I have horrible, horrible news!" she shrieked, her face flushed and sweaty. Esme turned and looked at her, arching an eyebrow.

"If it's about Harry, we probably already know."

"No! It's about Ron!"

"Ron?" Esme gasped. "But he's the one brother I care about!"

"I know! I think Harry slipped him some Felix Felicis so he'd win the game!"

"Oh, is that all? Well, I have no ethics whatsoever; therefore I'm not the best person to tell. Talk to Severus."

"Not caring," Snape said flippantly from his seat.

"I wouldn't worry, child," said Esme as she reached up and patted Hermione on the head. "If Ron gets in trouble, he probably won't get tried as an adult." Hermione glared at her.

"You know, you've always been the greatest source of comfort."

"I try."

--

"We've been invited to Slughorn's party tonight," Sirius said flatly. "Should we go?"

"I have to," Esme moaned. "He's been boasting about it for over a month. I promised I'd go just to get him to shut up." Even with Esme's Dark background, Slughorn had still taken a shine to her. It might've been because she just happened to let slip she was a "distant" relative of Harry's.

"Have fun," Sirius said, with a somewhat wicked grin.

"Oh no. You're not getting away that easily. You're my date. Now put some nice robes on."

"You know," Sirius smirked while he got dressed, "I've been to some of Slughorn's parties. He's just going to gloat about his old students and about how he 'taught them all they know.'"

"Fun. Does he realize that you were one of his best, but now you're just a lowly teacher?"

"He'll gloat about how, with his training, I was able to marry a daughter of political power."

"He trained you how to be spongy and spineless?"

"No. That was mostly good old Mum and prison."

--

"This is boring," Esme whined.

"We could go tease the vampire," Sirius mused. "You look rather edible." He smiled at his wife, who was wearing soft, green robes with holly stitched around the cuffs. She was beginning to regret wearing anything flattering.

"I'd rather not."

"We could get drunk…"

"Not in front of the students," she snapped.

"It's nothing we haven't seen before," giggled a group of fifth years behind her.

"Right," she said slowly. "Oh look. Slughorn's calling us over. Ciao for now, girls." The couple rushed over to the spot where Slughorn, Snape, Luna Lovegood, and Harry were standing about uncomfortably. "You summoned?"

"Yes. You've met Harry Potter, I assume?" His heavy mustache twitched, along with Sirius' eye.

"I'm his godfather," he said tightly.

"I'm his half-sister! His father had a fling with my mum, the daughter of the most evil man in French history, when they were young."

"Oh," Slughorn said awkwardly. "You—you didn't tell me that."

"The Dark Lord Voldemort is my legal godfather!"

"Oh."

"I was raised by Death Eaters!"

"How come you waited until now to tell me all this?"

"Seemed like the right time."

"Yes, well, we were just talking about what a wonderful—HIC—student Harry is."

"Really? I hadn't noticed. He always seemed to busy staring at…things…"

"Harry's studying to be an Auror!" Slughorn boasted.

"Oh look! Filch is dragging some poor student by the earlobe!" Slughorn ran off to deal with this, releasing Snape from his grip.

"Thank you," he mouthed.

"No really," Esme said, gesturing towards the back of the room, "it's a mini-Malfoy. One of my many brothers."

"You know, Professor Black," Luna said cheerfully, "have you ever wondered whether or not you have too many families?"

"No, Luna. I think three is just the right amount. If all of my siblings die before me, I get all three inheritances!"

"You don't see this as unethical?" Harry said nervously. While everyone else was talking about how much money Esme would eventually inherit from James, the Malfoys, and the Weasleys, Snape managed to slip away after Draco.

"…but I really think it's best if you simply buy off Voldemort with your inheritance. He's getting pretty old; he probably just wants to retire in comfort—Esme?" Sirius asked, watching her stare off into the distance.

"Did anyone see where Sev went?"

"He went after Draco," Luna said dreamily. "Neither of them looked very healthy. I hope a Lorgan Gampick isn't infecting them."

"Siri, stay here. I've got to go." She rushed after them; Harry at her heels. She stepped out into the dark hallway and hissed, "Stay back Harry!" She was about to say more but stopped when she heard voices.

"I'm risking my life for you! Do you understand that?" She recognized the voice as Snape's.

"I understand!" That was Draco. "But I don't understand why! Can't you just leave it to me? Can't you just leave and let me do it on my own!"

"I promised your mother I'd protect you! Do you understand the power of the Unbreakable Vow?" The voices were coming closer.

"Harry—get back in the party now, or I swear I'll suspend you!" Esme hissed.

"Fine, I'll go. But tell me everything!"

"Just go!"

"I have a plan!" That was Draco again.

"Does it involve getting expelled? That's certainly what it looks like you were trying to do tonight!" Esme knew this was the right time to turn and run. She knew it. However, being Esme, she couldn't leave until she knew exactly what was going on.

"Maybe if you just let me be with Crabbe and Goyle I could finish him off without your help!" If they were to light a candle, they could have easily seen Esme standing there.

"Get back to the party, Draco." Snape reached for the door, but instead of grasping the handle, he caught a handful of Esme's robes. "Well," he said dangerously. Esme could hear Draco run back down the hall and into the night. "What have we here?"

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A/N: Pretty please review with sugar on top! And, for everyone who didn't get turned off by my rant, quotes from the next story! (Not necessarily quotes of people talking…)

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"Then she spat in his face."

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"You told them I was dead?"

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"Bellatrix, darling, you're the devil!"

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"…and then Esme slapped her as hard as she could."