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Numb.

Caitlin Snow was numb, unable to feel a single thing. She thought she would cry, maybe scream and throw her belongings across the room. But she did none of that, just remained seated with a neutral expression plastered on her face. She curled her fingers into fists, her nails creating crescent shaped moons on her skin. Not one muscle in her face twitched from the moment she left the office, to the moment she got home.

She was relieved when she didn't see her boyfriend in the apartment, his usual pair of converses gone. She wasn't ready to see him yet, wasn't ready to see anyone yet.

Hell, she couldn't even look at herself in the mirror.

Slipping off her shoes, she made her way into the bedroom, her movements almost robotic. It was as if she were having an out of body experience. Caitlin didn't know what to think, her mind so cluttered with disbelief. Maybe she was wrong; maybe the results were contaminated.

I'm a doctor, Caitlin thought to herself. I saw the scans myself. I have cancer.

"I have cancer," Caitlin muttered to herself, finally allowing herself to break down. The tears she had so desperately tried to hold back began to flow like a river, continuous sobs escaping her mouth. Falling into a heap onto the floor, she wrapped her arms around her legs and cried, cried, cried. She let herself scream in anguish, in pain, not caring if anyone heard her. Even when her throat was raw, she didn't stop.

She saw the signs, she knew the symptoms, and yet she ignored what her gut was telling her. No one knew of her ailment, not her best friend nor boyfriend. Caitlin didn't want to worry them, and she knew the second she broke the news, they would drop everything and focus on her and her alone. Though their concern would be appreciated, she found it unnecessary.

Despite the doctor's reassurances that because they caught the cancer fairly early, Caitlin had an extremely good chance at remission, she still worried and feared for her health. Her life. She knew how much an affect chemotherapy had on a body, and knew that she would get sicker before she got better. That scared her.

At the sound of the door slamming shut, Caitlin quickly pulled herself together, forcing her tears to stop as she gathered her emotions. She hurried to her feet, making sure her face was dry of any tears before plastering on a fake smile. She couldn't tell Barry, not yet anyway. He had been so happy lately, a feat that had become quite difficult in the past year. She wanted to see the smile remain on his face a while longer.

Taking in a large gulp of air, she stepped out of the bedroom, her heart racing as she greeted Barry with a kiss. She needed to act like everything was normal, like everything was okay even though it wasn't.

"Hey, how was your day?" He questioned, wrapping his arms around her and pecking her lips once more.

Caitlin hoped her smile didn't wobble. "It was fine. Just stayed home and had a relaxing day."

"Good. I know you haven't been feeling well lately."

She quickly buried her face in his chest, unwilling to let him see the tears welling up once again. "I'm feeling a lot better."

I'm sorry.

Xxx

Caitlin was to start chemotherapy immediately after her diagnosis, and despite her strong need for comfort during this trying time, she opted to not tell Barry and Cisco. Whenever she had a chemo appointment, she would make up some lame excuse that she would feel guilty about instantly. She would be asked by the nurse numerous times if she wanted to call any family, but Caitlin always declined with a polite smile. Having the two most important people in her life watch as she sat through her treatments, practically bound to a chair by an IV was not something she wanted.

It would only cause her physical pain.

Before Caitlin knew it, three weeks had passed and she had yet to tell Barry and Cisco of her cancer. She just couldn't seem to gain the strength to open her mouth and tell them the truth. Would they be mad at her for keeping it a secret? Would they shed their own tears like she had done so many times?

Caitlin found it hard to get out of bed some days, her body exhausted from the chemo. She was incredibly grateful for the short break she would be getting, hoping her body would recover before the next round of chemo. But her fatigue was so severe she barely had the strength to get out of bed, get dressed and head over to Star Labs. She was pleasantly surprised that she didn't fall asleep behind the wheel and crash her car.

Heels clicking against the floor as she entered the cortex, Caitlin glanced at her reflection in her phone and hoped she didn't cake on too much makeup. Deep purple adorned the bags under her eyes, and concealer was the only way to hide them.

"Finally, it's about time." Cisco called, barely looking up from his computer. He could clearly hear the noise her heels made as she walked. "We've been waiting an hour to start training."

Caitlin did a quick glance of the Cortex, noticing Barry's absence. "Sorry, I slept in. I haven't been sleeping well lately."

Cisco finally looked up from the screen, sending a worried glance her way. "Are you still sick? Maybe you should go to the doctor."

"I'm okay, really. Just tired."

Lie, lie, lie.

Plastering on that fake smile she had been using constantly, she clapped her hands together. They were trembling slightly. "Well, I'm here now. Where's Barry?"

It was as if his ears were burning, because the speedster himself flashed into the Cortex adorned in his Star Labs jumper and sweatpants. Caitlin's curled hair flew out of place. The guilt that was pitted in her stomach grew when he smiled widely at her. "Hey, you're finally awake." He leaned forward to press a kiss to her forehead. "I thought I'd let you sleep in. You kept tossing and turning last night."

His sweet and caring side was making her feel worse, and she was hating herself more and more. "Thanks, I really needed it."

Xxx

As usual, Caitlin was set to monitor Barry's vitals while they trained, his lightening practically illuminating the speed lab. No matter how many times she saw him run, it always amazed her. But with the side effects of the chemo hitting her full force, she could barely concentrate on her boyfriend and his vitals. Staring at the tablet was making her woozy, the brightness hurting her sore eyes. The nausea she had been feeling -another side effect of the chemo- was intensifying and she wasn't sure she'd be able to remain on her feet much longer.

It was nearing two in the afternoon when they finally took a break, and it seemed Caitlin was more exhausted than Barry. She practically collapsed in relief when Barry suggested they stop for a while, and she didn't hesitate in setting herself down in a chair. Her stomach was rolling around, and she could feel bile crawl up her throat.

Unable to force the contents of her near empty stomach down, she rushed to the nearest trash can and threw up the tiniest breakfast she forced herself to eat.

Barry was quick to rush to his girlfriend's side, Cisco not far behind. The speedster laid a hand on Caitlin's back and bunched up her hair, his forehead creased in worry. "Cait," releasing her hair as she shakily straightened her back, sweat dotting her forehead, he noticed the numerous strands stuck to his head.

Caitlin released a trembling breath as she turned around to face the two. "I-I'm o-okay."

"Like hell you are," Cisco said, resting the back of his hand on her forehead. "Caitlin, you're burning up."

Black spots dotted her vision, and she couldn't muster up enough energy to utter another lie. Because no, she was not okay.

She was on the ground, unconscious, in a matter of seconds.

Xxx

Caitlin knew something was wrong when she regained consciousness. She had yet to open her eyes, but her ears had tuned in to the sound of various machines beeping. Her back ached from the uncomfortable mattress she was forced to lay upon. Using whatever energy her tired body had -she felt like she had run a marathon- she pried her eyelids open, her blurry vision taking a moment to focus.

A full head of brown hair was the first thing she saw.

She couldn't help but let her lips twitch upwards in a tiny smile as her heart fluttered. Barry was hunched over his seat, a position that couldn't be comfortable. How he fell asleep like that was unbeknownst to her. Caitlin weakly lifted up her hand to card her fingers through his hair, effectively waking him up. And he must've been in a deep sleep, because he woke up with such a start he nearly fell out of his chair.

His eyes frantically searched the room, for what she didn't know, before his green orbs landed on her face. Her pale, beautiful face. She could see Barry's body physically relax, and her heart nearly shattered as he watched his eyes fill with tears. Before she knew it, he was burying his face in her stomach, sobbing as his body shook. Rather than try to console him, she let him be.

It was clear that he knew.

He knew she had cancer.

When he finally managed to calm down, his red and cheeks stained with tear tracks, he gripped her hand like it was his lifeline. "Your white blood cell count was low," he murmured. "How could you not tell me you had cancer? How could you not tell us you had cancer?" his voice broke, and that was enough for her to shed her own tears. He didn't hesitate in wiping them away with the pads of his thumbs.

"I didn't want to become a burden," she choked out. "Your only focus should be on your job at the precinct and your job as The Flash. I knew that once I told you, you'd drop everything."

"Of course I would!" Realizing he had said that louder than intended, he lowered his voice, disbelief crossing his features. "Did you really think I wouldn't be by your side through this whole thing? Through all the doctor's appointments and chemo?"

"I knew you would, but that's why I didn't want to tell you. Not yet anyway." She gratefully accepted the tissue Barry offered her, dabbing her eyes gently. "You're that most caring person I know, and I didn't want you to only focus on me when the city needs you, too."

"Are you forgetting that I'm not the only superhero in Central City anymore?" He asked gently. "Cisco and Wally can handle things from time to time. And as of right now, The Flash is on a short break. He needs to take care of his girlfriend."

Caitlin gave him a watery smile, closing her eyes for a brief moment as Barry leaned down to kiss her gently. Her lips were slightly chapped, her breath probably not the freshest, and yet he still made her feel like the most special girl on the planet with this simple kiss.

When they pulled away, Caitlin padded the space beside her, gesturing for him to lay beside her. He obliged, careful of the IV's attached, and maneuvered his way onto the mattress. Caitlin immediately nestled her head onto his shoulder. "How's Cisco?"

"Pretty shaken up," he replied, lacing their fingers together and resting them on his stomach. "When the doctor told us why you collapsed, he completely froze."

"He probably hates me." Though Caitlin would be absolutely heart broken if that was the case, she wouldn't blame Cisco. She had kept a secret from him for three weeks; a secret that landed her in the hospital.

"He doesn't hate you, Cait." Barry reassured his girlfriend, his voice soft as he kissed her temple. Like he reassured her, he needed to reassure himself that she was still here. He had never been so scared when he watched her collapse, eyes rolling to the back of her head. And when he was told she had cancer...he was sure his heart stopped. Out of all the things he could have been told, explained why she collapsed, hearing that Caitlin had cancer was not one of them.

He was not ashamed to admit he cried in the middle of the waiting room.

"Cisco could never hate you," Barry continued when she gave him a look of disbelief. "He's just worried about you." He brought his lips down to her forehead once again, unable to stop the small frown that graced his lips. "We both are."

Caitlin grabbed a handful of his shirt, fisting the soft fabric. "I'm so sorry for not telling you. I'm so, so sorry."

"Hey, hey, stop." Barry gently cradled her body against his as sobs wracked her body. He ran his fingers through her hair, doing his best to not cry when he pulled more strands of hair from her scalp. He needed to be strong, needed to be her rock through this difficult time. "You don't have to apologize, Cait. I'm not mad, and neither is Cisco. None of us are mad. All we care about is helping you through this."

"What if-" her chin wobbled, a hiccup lodging itself in her throat.

"No 'what ifs." He interrupted, a feeling of dread washing over him. He knew what she was going to say, and the thought alone was like a punch to the gut. He pushed his forehead against hers. Closed his eyes. Touched her skin. She was here. Her heart was still beating, she was still breathing. She was here. "You're gonna be okay, Cait. You're not alone in this; we're in this together. You hear me?"

Caitlin nodded, burying her face in his chest and they freely cried together. She didn't know what the next few months held in store, but as long as she had Barry and Cisco by her side, she knew she could get through this.