Author's Note: I wasn't planning on updating quite so soon, but I feel like I glossed over Bates' marriage a little bit in the last chapter, and didn't give Anna a proper reaction. I hadn't planned on having Bates' past discussed so soon, but I decided to change things up just a bit. We will get back to happy memories in the next chapter!
Chapter 7
She was in a courtroom. She could feel her heart pounding and the tears in her eyes. John was in the front of the room standing up and looking at the judge. She looked across the room at the jury, and tried to guess what the verdict might be. She glanced back at John and noticed how pale and nervous he looked. She couldn't control her lips from quivering as she fought back the tears. She watched as the foreman stood up and got ready to read his verdict.
"Guilty."
Anna yelled out. No, this wasn't possible. This wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to be found guilty. She looked at the judge as he read the sentence; a death sentence. Her husband was going to be hung. She felt herself stand up and shout out about how wrong this was. She glanced at her husband and noticed the tears on his face. She looked at him as the judge ordered the officers to take him away. She saw how shocked he looked and watched how he fought the officers as they tried to drag him away. He looked at her and shouted her name. Anna stared at him, helpless. She watched as he was led away and then he was gone. She couldn't stop crying. This was all so wrong. She felt someone shaking her. Was it Lady Mary?
"Anna. Anna! You have to wake up." Anna shot up off the couch with a start; it took a moment for her to realize she was in the cottage. She looked up and saw John staring at her, concern in his eyes. "Are you all right? I knocked but you didn't answer and then I heard you cry out. I'm sorry. I used my key to come in."
Anna stood up and wiped at her eyes, trying to process what she had dreamed. Was it a memory or just some sort of nightmare? Certainly John had never been on trial for murder. The man she was married too, even if she didn't remember it, wouldn't have been accused of such a heinous crime. Could he? She had to be honest, even though she felt comfortable with him and had the instinct to trust him, she didn't really know him. She couldn't remember him except for his first few months here. She turned to look at him. "I had a dream. I have to ask you something, but I am not quite sure how to ask it."
John interrupted her. "Anna you can ask me anything? What is it?"
Anna looked up at him, tears in her eyes. "I dreamt we were in a courthouse and you were on trial. You were sentenced to death. I watched them drag you away." She looked up at John and saw the shock in them, she saw the fear. She saw the truth. "Oh god. It was a memory? You were on trial for murder? Who was it? Who were you accused of killing?"
John closed his eyes. After the wonderful morning they had, he never expected to come back to the cottage and find Anna like this. To see her crying with fear and shock in her eyes. He had hoped to spare her the pain for a little while longer. Or had he just been afraid? Had he really had Anna's best interests at heart, or had he been afraid if he told her the truth she wouldn't want to see him anymore. The old Anna, his Anna had believed in him without reservation, but this Anna, she barely remembered him. Would she have the same instincts? Or would she send him away? He had no choice now, he had to tell her. He had to tell her everything. He sat on the couch and gestured for her to do the same.
"Why don't you sit down? I better start at the beginning." Anna nodded and sat across from him on the chair. John's heart constricted. He already felt the distance. This morning she had been more than willing to sit next him, to even hold his hand, and now she wouldn't even share the same space with him. He took a deep breath and looked down. He was afraid to look at Anna. He was afraid of what he would see in her eyes.
"I met Vera when I was 23 years old. I was enthralled. She was beautiful; she made me feel like I was the only man in the room. Unfortunately I didn't learn until it was too late that was how she was with every man. She told me a sob story about how her father abused her, but she couldn't leave because she didn't have anywhere to go. She told me how brave I was, how strong I was, how she knew I could protect her. She was a good actress and I believed her. Two months after we met, we were married. I got a job in a pub, I wasn't bringing in a lot of money but it was enough to rent a small flat. We were happy those first few months, but then the real Vera began to appear. She wanted more, she wanted pretty dresses and to eat in fancy restaurants; things I couldn't give her on a bartender's salary. We were both miserable those first few years of marriage. I think I hated her by then, and I know she hated me, but I was her husband, I had taken the vows and I took them seriously. For better, for worse. I couldn't stay there though, so I joined the army. I thought it was the best solution, I would make enough money so I could give Vera more of what she wanted, and at the same time I could be away from her and all the negativity. It all worked for a little while, but then the war broke out. I came back with horrible memories of seeing friends die in unimaginable ways, a drinking problem and a bad leg. Vera was disgusted by my injury. I couldn't work, not until my leg healed completely, so she had to find work, which meant sacrificing the things she had been used too. We argued all the time and we both turned to other things. I turned to the bottle, she turned to other men. Honestly I don't remember much about that year after I returned from the war. I found solace in the bottle and thankfully it made me forgot how much of a failure my life had turned out to be. I realized one morning after waking up in the gutter with no memory of how I had gotten there, with my money gone and smelling like I hadn't showered in days that I had to make a change." He stopped as Anna cleared her throat. He finally looked up. He was relieved to see that while she looked sad, she didn't look disgusted. He waited for her to speak.
"What did you do?"
John took a deep breath. "I confessed to stealing from the Army and I went to prison." He heard Anna gasp.
"You stole from the army?
John shook his head. "No, I didn't. Vera did, but I confessed because I knew this was my way to get out of a horrible situation. I could get sober and when I got out I could secure a job and try to make my marriage work. I was determined to be a good husband. I thought if I could just get sober then I could make it work with Vera. Vera had other ideas though. While I was in prison she took off with another man and disappeared. I was in prison for two years. In those two years I gave up drinking and promised myself I would be a better man. I realized if I wanted to be a better man then Vera couldn't be a part of the equation. We were toxic to each other. We brought out the worst in each other. So I knew the marriage was over, that it could never work. I didn't worry about finding her and getting a divorce because I promised myself I would never fall in love again. I would never marry again. A few weeks after I was released I wrote to his lordship and asked him if there was a position in his household. He wrote back offering me a job as his valet, and well you know what happened after that. I came to Downton. I met you, and I fell in love and all those promises I made to myself just flew away. You opened up my heart again. It was unexpected, and I fought it for a long time, but eventually I realized that you were what I had been waiting for my entire life." He silently cursed himself for speaking those last thoughts out loud. The last thing he wanted to do was make Anna feel uncomfortable.
Anna shook her head as she tried to process all John had told her. She couldn't help but be touched by what he had said. How she had opened his heart again. However there were still so many unanswered questions. She needed to know everything. "What happened with Vera? I assume since we are married that you found her and you were able to divorce her?" She looked at John and saw him shake his head.
"You don't remember this, but there was a war that started in 1914. After the war started it made me realize that I didn't want to hide my feelings anymore; time was so precious back then. I knew that I couldn't be with you completely unless I found her and asked her for a divorce. She was long gone by then though, and I couldn't find out any information about her, much less her whereabouts. Then my mother died, and Vera showed up at the house. She realized my mother had left me a large amount of money and she wanted back into the marriage. That was the last thing I wanted though, I wanted you. I wanted a life with you. So I told Vera if she granted me a divorce she could have half of what my mother left me. That was when I came back and you and I started planning our future. However, shortly after that Vera came back and told me that she didn't want a divorce anymore, that she didn't like living on her own. She blackmailed me with a story about Lady Mary. it would have tore the family apart. It would have brought a huge scandal to Downton."
Anna interrupted him, "What story?"
"It was a story about Lady Mary and an affair she had with a Turkish gentleman."
Anna gasped, "Lady Mary had an affair?"
John nodded, "She did, and I will tell you all about it, but first I think I should finish telling you about Vera. Is that okay?" He saw Anna nod, so he continued talking. "So Vera blackmailed me and I left, I left you crying in the courtyard. It broke my heart to leave you, but I thought I was doing what was best for everyone. We lived together for a few months, it was miserable, and I finally discovered that Vera had been unfaithful. I went to a divorce lawyer who told me that I would have to move out to prove that it had broken the marriage. So I did, I got a job at a pub in Kirkbymoorside, so I could be close to you. One day you saw me and through Lady Mary found out where I was working and you came to the pub. You were angry at first. You were mad that I had come back and didn't tell you. Of course you were mad that I had left in the first place. We talked about everything and eventually you forgave me for leaving you. His Lordship asked me to come back to Downton and I did. We began to plan our future. I began the process of divorcing Vera and when she continued to be difficult we decided to give her everything we had. We just wanted to move on and be together. The money and the house didn't matter, as long as we had each other. Vera came back and tried to force me to leave with her. I refused and she went to the judge and told him that I had offered her money for a divorce. I knew I had to go to London and try and convince Vera that it was in all our best interests to agree to the divorce. So I went to London one morning and I had it out with her. I admit we got into an argument. She got physical and she hit me, cutting my face with her ring. I admit I got angry and I said some horrible things, but I swear to you Anna that I never hit her. As much as I hated her, I could never have hit her. I left her screaming in my mother's house and I took the train right back home. The next morning I got a telegram stating that Vera was dead.
Anna gasped. "Dead? How?"
"At first it was believed that she killed herself by taking poison. However she left no suicide note and the police weren't convinced that Vera took her own life. They began looking at me as a suspect. A few months before she died Vera told me we had rats and asked to by rat poison, the same poison that killed her. She had written a letter to a friend saying she was afraid of me, that she had never seen me so angry. The police knew I wanted to marry you and that Vera was being difficult. It was all circumstantial, but it was enough to be charged and the police arrested me and I was put on trial for murder."
Anna took a deep breath and looked at John, "So that was a memory then? You were found guilty and sentenced to death?"
"Yes, but it was commuted and I was sentenced to life imprisonment."
"So what happened? How did you get released?" She looked at John surprised to see a smile on his lips.
"You got me released. You never doubted my innocence. You spent months and months looking for evidence to prove my innocence. Finally you were able to prove that Vera did indeed kill herself and I was released shortly afterwards."
Anna looked up in shock. She had freed him? She tried to imagine herself doing all the things John had told her about, but she found it hard to believe. She didn't know what to think or how to feel. The man sitting across from her had been in jail twice, had been an alcoholic and had been accused of murder, and yet none of those things had frightened her away. She must have really loved him. She corrected herself, she must really love him. And he had been innocent. He wasn't a murderer. She looked at him. He looked scared, like he didn't know what her reaction would be. She had to admit she didn't quite know how to react, but she did know she cared about him and she wasn't afraid of him. She made a quick decision. She stood up and walked over to the couch and sat down next to John. He seemed surprised.
John was surprised to see Anna get up and come over to where he was sitting, and was even more surprised when she sat down and reached for his hand. She squeezed it gently and looked into his eyes. "I'm sorry that you went through all of that, and while I admit this is very hard to process, I know that you are a good man, and I know that I care about you." John couldn't help the tears that filled his eyes and fell down his cheeks. Anna hadn't turned him away. He was a fool to have even thought she would have. Even if she didn't remember their relationship, she was still Anna. She was still his Anna, the woman who always believed the best of him. He never should have doubted her. John wiped his eyes and smiled.
"Even now, you don't doubt me. Even though you barely know who I am, you still see the best in me."
Anna smiled and looked down at their clasped hands. "I can't explain it, not yet anyway. I just know you are a good man. I can just feel it."
John wished he could take her in his arms and kiss her and lead her upstairs and show her how much she meant to him. He wanted to, but he knew he couldn't, it wouldn't be right. He noticed how tired she was. His story had drained whatever energy she had. He squeezed her hand and stood up. "I think I should go. It has been a long and emotional night."
Anna nodded and followed him the door. He turned back and smiled at her. "I'll see you in the morning, okay?"
Anna nodded, "Yes you will and thank you for telling me all of it. I am glad you did."
John smiled, "I am too. I am glad it's all out in the open. We can move forward now and we can start talking about some good memories. Good night Anna."
John smiled one last time and shut the door behind him. He walked down the pathway feeling pounds lighter. If he could have skipped he would have. He already knew what memory he would share with Anna. He would tell her about the night he confessed his love to her. That was a very happy memory indeed.