I'm so sad. One more chapter to go after this one. It's already written and revised, but I'm absolutely determined to save it and post it on my birthday. Cause it's coming up in like a week, so I figured may as well. I thought it'd be super cool, considering this will be my first time in a while where I've actually completed a long, multi-chaptered fic. So I'm proud, I guess. And what would make a better birthday gift to myself then posting something I'm proud of~
Bleh, I'll shut up. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and look forward to reaching the end soon~
Disclaimer: I don't own Inazuma Eleven or The Last of Us.
Chapter Six – Black World
December 2032 (WINTER)
Blood. The stench of blood was everywhere. It coated his hands, marked his boots, and was even smudged across the surface of his shirt. It was everywhere, even trailing in the tracks that he made within the snow behind him.
Saryuu's 9mm pistol hung in his hand at his side, and he approached the last cabin numbly.
It didn't click in that the group he'd been stalking all this time had simply been made up of survivors who were desperate not to starve. He'd always pictured them as monsters. Cannibalistic freaks with sick minds.
But those 'freaks' had only been desperate to survive – desperate to help their loved ones survive.
He pushed the cabin door open, realizing such in the horrified faces of the mothers and their children.
But that didn't stop him from pulling the trigger.
Perhaps he was the true monster for doing so, but it was their fault... His being alone was all their fault. They'd taken away everything that he held dear, so he'd do the same. He'd kill them all. No survivors. Not even the children.
Indifference written upon him, and a cold gleam in his eyes, Saryuu dropped his 9mm to the floor and then claimed his shotgun. The faces in the room seemed to move in slow motion, their eyes slowly filling with horror before Saryuu fired into the group of huddled survivors.
The gunshots were loud, though the ghastly screams that filled the cabin were even more so.
Heads were blown straight off of their bodies, the injured and the dead crashing to the floor as their blood was splayed against the cabin walls. It pooled underneath them, seeping into the cracks in the wooden floor.
He stopped only to reload, continuing until the room was completely motionless, the screams having faded into an eerie silence...
And that was when he suddenly jumped as he could hear footsteps from behind him... They crunched in the snow, alerting him of their presence.
Saryuu spun around, prepared to rid of any stragglers as his finger readied itself against the trigger of his shotgun. But that was when he gasped, frantically lowering the gun when he took in the captivating figure of a certain greenette who he happened to love.
He looked like an angel, dressed entirely in white. It complimented the green shade of his hair.
"Fey?" Saryuu stated his name questionably, confused as to why the greenette was currently present. He wasn't supposed to be here... "Fey, what are you doing here?"
He suddenly felt self-conscious of his state – of the blood that stained his clothes and skin. He could feel it as Fey looked him up and down, judgement in his eyes.
Fey frowned, "Saru... Why did you kill all of these people..."
Saryuu could only fumble with his words in disbelief. Both he and Fey had always had their secrets. But he'd never dreamed that the love of his life would look upon him with such distasteful eyes. It stung. "Fey..." he searched Fey's face desperately, his eyebrows knitting together as his mouth opened to say something, and then closed when he realized that he had nothing to say.
"Was it worth it?" Fey asked quietly, "Innocent blood stains your hands..."
Saryuu hesitated again, though soon growled, protesting angrily as he threw his hand out before him in order to emphasize said anger. Why should Fey question him?! He had no right... He'd been a Firefly. He'd killed plenty of people too, probably. He should've understood!
"They weren't innocent! They killed the only two people who mattered to me!"
"Don't I matter to you? If it weren't for their deaths, then we never would have become close. You wouldn't have been lonely, so you would have left me for dead." Displeasure left his face, replaced with sadness that swam so evidently in those mint tinged irises of his.
Saryuu wished he could touch him, to reassure and hush him. He wanted to make everything alright. But he found himself frozen in place, his eyebrows only furrowing more so at the dread of the conversation. He couldn't lose Fey... He couldn't let him hate him now...
"I-I wouldn't have!" Saryuu cried, "Fey, you're everything to me!"
Fey shook his head, the pain in his eyes worsening. His lip began to quiver, and Saryuu swore that he could see them glistening with building tears as he spoke thickly."No...no, I'm not. If you hadn't murdered these people, then I would still be alive."
"Fey, what are you talking about?" Saryuu knew that he was alive. But there was a tinge of uncertainty in his voice, fear overtaking him, "You are alive!"
The greenette took a step closer, doing what Saryuu had been unable to do. He extended an arm out, caressing the side of Saryuu's cheek. Saryuu nuzzled into the touch, a weak smile flickering to his lips at it's warmth. "See?" he assured him, his voice sounding rattled despite his words, "You can't be dead. You wouldn't feel so warm..."
"I am dead, Saru..." Fey murmured, their eyes locked. The pain within them... Saryuu's facial features couldn't keep from falling. "Your curse... If you hadn't killed these innocent people, then you wouldn't have been cursed. You bring fourth nothing but death. Did you really think that I was an exception?"
And that was when Saryuu lurched out of bed, sucking in a sharp breath once a strangled cry rose from his throat. He pushed the bed covers away, coated in a cold sweat as he took in the familiar room around him. It wasn't much, just a small, abandoned cabin. But it was cozy, and had a bed and a fireplace. Living in the middle of the forest was peaceful, and both he and Fey had enjoyed the time they'd spent there.
But most of all, at that moment, it's surroundings helped to remind him that he'd been sleeping.
It'd just been a dream...
Saryuu let his head fall into his hands once his rapid pulse calmed, and his heavy breaths steadied.
Fey stirred next to him, a furrow of worry written in his brow as he pushed himself up, speaking groggily, "Saru? Saru, are you okay?" He placed a hand on his shoulder gently, an attempt to comfort him by letting him know that he was there for him.
The snowy haired boy's head jolted from his palms at the touch, violet irises searching Fey's face uncertainly before he managed to recollect himself. It'd been nothing more then a dream, yet it somehow felt upsetting to look into those minty eyes, which had been plagued with heartache only moments ago in his realm of sleep.
"I'm fine, Fey," he murmured, twisting around to properly face the greenette next to him. He raised an arm, lightly cupping Fey's cheek with his hand. His thumb made slow circles across it's surface before he leaned in to steal a tender kiss from the greenette's lips.
Fey reluctantly closed his eyes, unconvinced, though unable to resist him.
He accepted each of Saryuu's lethargic kisses, feeling as his hands slowly began to wander his body. Tanned fingertips tickled him, tracing across each artery in his neck, and then against the curve of his collarbone until eventually sliding across his ribs and hips.
A shiver ran up Fey's spine as Saryuu's hand winded around his hip until settling against his inner thigh. He began to massage it, escaping from where their lips were locked so that he could murmur into Fey's ear seductively, "I can think of a certain beautiful, green haired boy who could help me in feeling better..."
It was difficult when Saryuu's touch felt so nice. Fey's lower stomach ached as his body conveyed it's approval, oozing with sensuality. But regardless, the greenette dodged his next kiss. He shuffled back against the bed's mattress, breaking away from Saryuu's touch. "Saru, I want you to tell me what's on your mind. Don't try to distract me," blue-green orbs lingered on his own violet ones, their depths bright with emotion. Despite the added distance between them now, Fey extended an arm out so that he could clasp onto Saryuu's hand and intertwine their fingers. "You had a nightmare, didn't you? You can tell me about it... Don't runaway."
Their lazy morning sex was great. It always was. But Fey knew that Saryuu also used it as a source of comfort after enduring one of his nightmares. Fey was glad to be able to do such a thing for him – glad to know that he could comfort Saryuu using his body. But at the same time, he wanted Saryuu to be able to speak with him too. He wanted Saryuu to also seek refuge in his words. They needed to be able to talk.
He wanted them to be able to be open with one another, finally.
But Saryuu didn't seem to possess the same opinion as he looked Fey over, amusement flashing in his eyes as he let out a sarcastic laugh, "Why talk about it? It's already been forgotten." He leaned across the bed, smirking as he went to reclaim Fey's lips, "Stop talking nonsense. Come on – just kiss me. I want you, Fey."
"No!" Fey evaded him again, his eyebrows knitting together as his tone dripped with defensiveness, "You have to want all of me! But we can't even talk! Doesn't that make everything we are feel sort of artificial to you?"
Saryuu's advances came to a halt as he sat up straight, the first traces of frustration crossing his own facial features. "Why the hell are you being like this? How could you even say that!?" he shot back. He observed him watchfully for a few moments, waiting for a response. But when he never received one, he stood from their bed, rolling his eyes as he grabbed his lavender pullover hoodie, dark coloured jeans, and leather jacket and began to throw them on. "Whatever," he spoke sharply, "Just get dressed then. We should finally think about relocating, so pack your things."
Fey peered up at him in disbelief, a bitter laugh of his own just barely rising from his throat.
He chose to ignore the white haired boy, declaring the silent treatment upon him as he climbed out of bed. He took his folded clothes from the surface of his nightstand table, pulling on his underwear and black sweatpants before dressing himself in his white collared shirt. Lastly, he pulled on his orange hoodie, zipping it up. The collar of his undershirt peeked out, nuzzled against the side flaps that were his hood.
He threw his bag over his shoulders, his mood dark considering he and Saryuu still hadn't said anything to one another. He hadn't even tried to apologize, and that only infuriated the greenette more so. He was too damned stubborn. Well, they both were. But as if Fey would admit it.
It was as Saryuu continued to pack things into his own backpack that Fey couldn't hold his feelings in anymore and he broke the silence between them, despite being the one to have initiated it in the first place. He'd never been as talented in concealing what it was he felt.
"What is it that we're even doing, Saru!?" he suddenly exploded, his hands balled around the straps of his bag tightly, "Because I always wanted what's going on between us to be more then just screwing each other! I wanted it to mean something ; for us to be open with each other!" He turned to face his snowy haired partner, taking in the way his facial features flared. Seeing such only seemed to fuel Fey into speaking all the more loudly. "So what is it!? Is it all just for comfort? Physical intimacy? It's comforting, yes, but anybody would work. It doesn't need to be me... I mean, you've never even told me that you love me! Not even once!"
Saryuu lost it.
"You've got nerve even saying that to me!" he hissed, his arm lashing out against a lamp that sat on the small table against his side of the bed. It's bulb had already been broken at some point or another, and it's body already had cracks in it, but the force of the blow sent it to the ground – where it collided into it and then exploded into various, jagged pieces. They scattered across the floor with a thunderous crash. Fey shuddered, having never seen Saryuu so livid before. "You're the fucking world to me! So don't you ever talk to me like that again! You hear me, Fey!?"
Saryuu's voice cracked.
"Because that's bullshit! It's not as if you've ever said that you love me, you know, or do my feelings not fucking count for anything!? You're a hypocrite..." His tone quieted down as he bowed his head, his shoulders trembling. "When have you ever been open...?"
Fey could only stare at him, speechless.
He didn't expect it when Saryuu added, finally lifting his head after a long pause. He met Fey with wounded eyes. "...I never once viewed it that way, you know... I never thought of our lovemaking as 'screwing' or 'fucking' you... It was always my way of conveying my feelings to you. It was my way of showing you how much I love and trust you... I was always making love to you."
"...Saru."
The snowy haired boy witnessed the pain that flashed in Fey's eyes as guilt washed over him. But it didn't seem his guilt overpowered his stubbornness considering he shifted his bag against his back, heading for the door before murmuring, "It'd probably be best if we split up while looking for supplies today."
The wounded look in Saryuu's eyes dissolved, a sour tone returning to him, "Here I am 'being open,' just like you wanted, and you're still mad!?"
Fey didn't bother to look at him, responding flatly, "We both said some pretty hurtful things... Can you at least let me cool my head?"
"Whatever," Saryuu huffed, pressing his lips together stubbornly at what he noted next, "But there's no way in hell that I'm going to leave you alone. We stick together, and that's final."
Fey merely shrugged, making his way out through the door and into the snow covered forest that surrounded their cabin. It was beautiful, but he couldn't bring himself to admire the sight... not when he felt so down. He wasn't much of a fan of snow in the first place, anyway.
Saryuu followed after him, his gaze fixated on the greenette's back. He frowned, beginning to wish that he could take back what he'd said before. He couldn't stand these types of arguments ; any sort of argument, really. They left him feeling anxious. He didn't want to push Fey away, but he was too stubborn to open up... What was he supposed to do? What if Fey walked out on him someday, deciding that he'd endured just about enough of his crap? It wasn't even just his fear of ending up alone, but because Fey was his everything. He was more then what they'd started off as – two lonely survivors who'd sought comfort in one another's companionship. But now Saryuu loved him, and if Fey left, no one else would ever be able to fill the empty hole in his heart.
The thought all on it's own left his stomach performing violent flips.
For now, all he could do was respect Fey's space as he was eaten away by the unease that burned at him like acid. He didn't want to say something that would set the greenette off all over again... But he did feel a bit peeved over having not received any sort of apology at all... Maybe he'd admitted to himself that he'd been a bit harsh, but that didn't mean that he took back the meaning behind what he'd said.
Fey was a hypocrite... but then again, he realized that Fey wouldn't have been such if he himself had been open to begin with. Fey had only been trying to help him by looking out for him considering he had continuous nightmares. If it was the other way around, and Fey was the one who'd endured such, Saryuu would have been concerned for him too...
If that was how he felt, then how come he couldn't come up with the words for it right then and there?
Saryuu sighed, so very conflicted with both himself, and with Fey. He was so completely absorbed as they walked through the forest, just barely leaving the clearing where their cabin was situated when they were suddenly ambushed.
He picked up on it before the bandits swooped upon them, just a second too late.
Their entire argument was rendered insignificant, seeming so entirely meaningless as Saryuu was forced to watch his partner as he was only inches from death's door. He was caught off guard, yanked against the bandit's frame as four others appeared from the bushes, weapons raised.
Saryuu's shotgun was in his hands before he even realized it, his eyes flickering wildly to each of the targets before him. He was panic-stricken, his mind racing as he realized that he was completely at their mercy. But that didn't stop him from spouting threats, keeping his shotgun poised.
Fey's breath seemed to have caught in his chest as the bandit basically lifted him onto his tippy toes, the bandit's arm elevating him from the forest floor slightly as it wrapped like a bar of steel around his chest. Fey's hands grasped onto said arm, his grip the only thing keeping him steady. A blade dug into his porcelain throat, and the faintest motion would only increase it's pressure. Despite his state, Fey's eyes expressed everything as they met Saryuu's distressed gaze. Saryuu could read the regret in them – the way that they reassured him that he forgave him about their previous argument, and that he was sorry ; That he loved him, and that he would continue to no matter what happened. Even if he were to die right then and there. He desperately wanted him to know. He didn't want to leave behind any regrets between them.
That only fed Saryuu's desperation as he threatened in his most intimidating voice, "Let him go!"
"Give us your shit! Including that shotgun!" one of the bandit's yelled back. It seemed only one of the five had a firearm. The rest only possessed blunt weapons, which explained why they hadn't killed them both yet. They needed Fey alive, so that Saryuu wouldn't blow all of their heads off. They were lucky that they hadn't misjudged his bond with him – that Fey meant something to him. Otherwise, they would all be dead already.
A sardonic smile crept across Saryuu's lips and he laughed mockingly, "Oh? I don't think so. You've messed with the wrong survivor. Release Fey, otherwise I'll start taking your 'buddies' down one by one. And if you decide to kill Fey... well, you'll be dismayed to realize that I'll still kill you, either way. Without him, you won't have a shield, and I'll be sure to kill you first. Worse then that."
He was partially bluffing, as he observed the bandit with the firearm most closely. He'd be sure to rid of him first.
The bandit's hand twitched and the blade of his knife pressed into Fey's throat firmly, despite Saryuu's threat. Blood trickled from where the blade's edge made contact with his skin. "Give us your bag and drop the gun! We won't release him until then! Sure you can kill me, but I'll slit his throat and he'll die along with me! It's up to you whether you wanna risk that or not, asshole!"
"And if I refuse? As a ruthless survivor, should you not already know how valuable resources are?" Saryuu rose an eyebrow tauntingly in hopes of manipulating him, "Survival is more important then attachments. We should all understand that fact by this p-"
But it seemed Fey had the situation under control without Saryuu's help as he jabbed an elbow into his captor's gut.
The bandit instinctively moved his hands, and the motion caused by his shock drew the blade across Fey's throat. Saryuu wasn't able to determine just how badly it'd cut right away, instead taking the few seconds that he had to shoot the bandit with the firearm before he retaliated.
Hoping to save some ammo on his precious shotgun, he then grabbed for the 9mm pistol that rested in a holster at his thigh, ensuring that a bullet wedged itself into each of the foreheads of the remaining bandits. All except for the one who'd taken Fey hostage.
It seemed Fey was alright, as the moment the blade had withdrawn from him, though slashing him in the process, Fey had grabbed for the lead pipe that was attached to the side of his bag. He swung it into the man's side, probably breaking several of his ribs in the process. Saryuu swore that he heard a sickening crack.
Either way, the bandit crumbled to the snow covered forest floor, and without hesitating for even a moment, the ex-Firefly smacked him over the head, bashing his skull before dropping down next to him in a body search. He trusted that they'd maybe find some ammo, though he had higher hopes while searching Saryuu's kill considering he'd actually wielded a firearm.
Though Saryuu didn't let him complete his search.
He tugged the boy up by the arm, forcing him onto his feet roughly before chastising him. "How bad is it!?" he demanded, tilting the greenette's chin up so that he could inspect the cut along his throat more closely. "Are you stupid, Fey!?"
It wasn't cut open, thank god. But it was still the worst wound on the boy's neck that Saryuu had ever witnessed him sustain. And that was saying something, Saryuu couldn't help but think. Even he himself had once slashed the greenette across the neck, though only lightly. It'd been a play fight. But even still. It'd proven just how reckless he was.
"How many times must we go over this!? How could you be so reckless when having a blade at you!?" Saryuu basically screamed, releasing the greenette's chin harshly, "You could have died! Died, Fey! And don't you dare even say, 'but I didn't,' or I swear to god..."
Fey frowned, melancholy washing over his facial features as he murmured, "Saru... I-I'm sorry... I-"
"Shut up..." Saryuu's anger vanished just as quickly as it had appeared, his voice and posture softening as he displayed his relief for Fey's safety by taking the greenette into a tender embrace. He swallowed thickly, his fingers curling around the fabric of Fey's orange hoodie. "All I could think about was that our final moments together were spent arguing, and being spiteful to one another. Fey..." he rested his chin against his partner's shoulder, pulling him closer, "I can't bear that sort of regret again."
He felt Fey's arms snake around him in return, and he pet a hand through the back of Saryuu's hair. "Me neither... I'm not afraid of death. I have all of these amazing memories... But to know that we could've been creating even more memories instead of spending the last moments we had left so... so meaninglessly... well, that's when I'm scared. When I die, I can't be wondering if you hate me or not. Or whether you'll be okay. Cause I know if I had to watch you die, that I'd never be able to forgive myself for spending the time we had left like that. I'd never stop blaming myself... And to think that I could've done that to you today... I just -"
"Fey," Saryuu cut him off firmly, withdrawing enough to just grasp onto Fey's shoulders and look into his face as he decided that he was unwilling to let such things eat away at the greenette. He'd fix all of this right then and there. "I hate it when we fight, Fey. I hate it so much that I feel sick. If talking about 'feelings' and cozy little things like that keeps us from getting mad at each other, then I promise that I'll try to be more open with you."
Even if it meant caving, and telling Fey about what had happened in his past... It would be hard, and apart of him was still stubborn about it. But apart of him also shivered in anticipation at the thought of sharing such a heavy memory. He felt lighter somehow, at finally concluding that he was going to talk to Fey about it.
The ex-Firefly's eyes lit up, "Really, Saru? Me too! I'll try to be open too!"
The snowy haired boy withdrew, offering his arm out to him. "Then come. Walk with me. We'll talk as we head for the city. If I remember correctly, this forest lays on the outskirts of a nearby city. On our way there, I'd..." he hesitated, "I'd like to tell you about... parts of my past. You deserve to know what my nightmares involve after all this time."
Fey took hold of Saryuu's arm with both hands, seeming to nuzzle into his side. "When I ask you to be open, that isn't what I mean. If you want to talk about it, then I'd be more then willing to listen. I want to understand you, Saru. But when I ask you to be open, I mean for you to be truthful to your feelings. Your nightmares for instance... You don't need to tell me every detail about them, but when I ask you if you're okay, I don't want you to push me away. If you feel scared, tell me so that I can help. Don't just tell me that you're fine."
"And when I think open, I want to understand you, as well," Saryuu voiced his own opinion on the matter, his tone slightly unyielding on the subject, "Our pasts shape who we are. You don't quite have issues displaying your feelings, but I'd like for you to be open about your past. I want to understand you, and know of what you've endured... Like why you left the Fireflies, for instance. It might help me appreciate aspects of you that I couldn't before."
Fey nodded his head. He didn't seem completely thrilled, but he noted thoughtfully, "I'd never really thought about it that way before. That's a nice way to put it. I hope talking about all of this only makes us stronger. So if you feel up to it, go ahead. If it's painful, we'll have each other for support, right?"
"I've never quite shared so much of myself with someone before... I'd like you to be the first person that I... do this charade with. I trust you, and like you stated, we find comfort in one another. We'll be fine."
The greenette suddenly came to a halt, turning to face his partner as his hands slipped into Saryuu's palms. Trees surrounded them and sunlight filtered through them, and onto the snow covered forest floor. Snow fell from the treetops like dust around them.
"Before you begin, would it be okay if I said something first?" Fey cocked his head, a pleading look written in his facial features. "It's overdue, but it's been bugging me... and if we're gonna try to be open now, then I want to tell you."
Saryuu searched his face before nodding slowly. He swallowed thickly as he awaited for Fey to continue. Had he done something wrong? He thought back to anything he might have said... This whole 'open' thing was a somewhat frightening process, as it allowed for his mind to race as he awaited a reply. It made him realize that Fey may call out every upsetting thing that came out of his mouth.
Fey didn't look away from him as he spoke, though it was more then obvious that his gaze wanted to be anywhere but on Saryuu as he spoke earnestly, "I didn't mean what I said before... I never thought of it like that at all... What I said before – about what we had being nothing but 'screwing'... It was always more then that to me. It was always special... and... I love you. I love you, Saru."
Saryuu blinked down at the greenette, his heart fluttering. He thought he might melt.
Once recovering, he gently took both of his hands back, though only to place either one on each side of Fey's face. The thumb of his right hand performed affectionate circles across his cheek. "I know," he smiled, guiding Fey into bowing his head slightly as he leaned in and kissed at Fey's eyelids. "I love you too, Fey. So, so much."
Fey beamed, his eyes quivering open once Saryuu's lips withdrew. He threw his arms around his partner's neck, basically tossing himself forward as he captured Saryuu's lips with his own.
Saryuu automatically hugged at Fey's waist, drawing him closer to him as his eyelids squeezed shut and he kissed Fey hard in return.
Warmth swelled in both of their chests, and Saryuu delicately raised a hand and placed it against Fey's arm. He coaxed it into leaving it's spot around his neck, drawing his fingers through porcelain ones and clasping their joined hands towards his chest fiercely. It was as if he was encouraging the greenette to feel his heart- to know how strongly it beat for him. Such warmth lingered as they continued to press small kisses against one another before gradually drawing apart.
"That can be our promise kiss. Our promise to be more open," Saryuu whispered, all contact between them broken as he stepped back slightly. Fey's hand suddenly felt empty, and his lips lonely. But his heart continued to throb in his chest as Saryuu's violet orbs remained fixated on him. That alone kept him warm.
A delicate shade of pink continued to lightly coat his cheeks and a sweet smile graced his lips, "And an 'I love you' kiss." It'd been the first time they'd been able say such to one another, after all. It'd been a bit overwhelming for him, hence the way he'd practically leaped at him.
"That too," Saryuu smirked.
Fey looked into his face, smiling cheerfully before they reluctantly decided to get back on track.
They left their spot, trekking through the forest further. To be honest, they were headed for the city, but Fey wouldn't have minded it if they'd stayed in the forest for a longer amount of time. The cabin had been nice. It was too dangerous to head back now, however, as they'd been discovered by bandits. Who knew if there were more of them. But asides from that, it'd been peaceful. The forest itself, was peaceful. It almost reminded him of the forest they'd camped within back in the summer – where Saryuu had taught him how to swim.
He liked it, and wasn't in any hurry to reach the city.
Fey wrapped his hands around the straps of his bag, looking up towards the trees and the bright sky. Saryuu walked next to him, his hands jammed in his pockets considering the winter air had chilled them.
It took a few passing moments before Fey quietly asked – it seemed he'd been struggling to speak the entire time, though hadn't known how to ask until now, "...If you still wanted to talk... uh, about what it is that gives you nightmares, I'm right here, okay?"
It wasn't the most flattering statement after sharing such a blissful moment, but he needed to reassure him. He wouldn't let Saryuu re-think it. He could be fickle, after all. It was irritating at times.
"Right. We said we'd talk about that," Saryuu's lips quirked faintly at his sheepishness, "I was planning to bring it up... I suppose I'm just nervous."
Fey stole Saryuu's hand from where it'd been crammed into his pocket, taking hold of it so that they continued through the forest hand-in-hand. "Don't be. You can stop whenever you want to."
Saryuu inhaled the winter air steadily, his breath leaving his parted lips in an icy cloud.
Where was he supposed to even start? The beginning?
"My nightmares... they always involve death. And loneliness," Saryuu began, his violet irises fixed ahead of him, taking in the placid winter around them. He could feel Fey's attentive eyes on him. "I don't know... I've been alone for as long as I can remember. My parents didn't want me." He chuckled darkly. "I suppose I don't blame them. A baby would be a burden to anyone."
Fey's hand shifted against his, as if reassuring him that he was there. But Saryuu couldn't forget, even if he wanted to. The greenette's presence was the one thing giving him strength.
"I'm sure you're more then aware of the treatment of orphaned children in quarantine zones," the snowy haired boy breathed, his nerves seeming even more unsettling as they stirred in his stomach at what he was about to say. He feared Fey's thoughts. "The military took me in, and they trained me."
It took a moment for Fey to process it. He blinked through his disbelief. The military had been the enemy of the Fireflies, after all. Why would Saryuu have helped him back then? He'd seen his Firefly pendant...
"Wait..." Fey's brow crinkled as he asked with caution, "You were with FEDRA? You didn't ever have to kill any Fireflies, did you?"
He was relieved that there was no judgement in his tone. Only surprise.
"No," Saryuu said flatly. He understood why Fey might be surprised. But it wasn't as if he were still with FEDRA... and it wasn't as if Fey was still a Firefly, either. Still, he needed to ask. His curiosity had been piqued despite his absolute trust in Fey. He already knew Fey's answer, but he needed to hear it. "But what if I had? Would you hate me, Fey?"
Fey's eyes widened and he shook his head frantically, desperate to convey to him that hate was the last thing he'd ever feel for him, regardless. "No! No! That's not it! I left them, remember?" Saryuu could feel him tugging at his hand and he stopped, turning to face him. "That should show that I'm not all too loyal to them... I mean, I had people I cared for there. Some of them died." His tone softened, losing it's alarm. "So I was just thinking about how if you'd been the one to kill them, that it must have been the universe's way of pulling some kind of sick joke on us. And I'd be the center of the joke, because even if you had, by this point, it wouldn't matter. There's nothing you could do to make me hate you."
Saryuu frowned, despite feeling appeasement at Fey's words.
"The sentiment is nice, but I'm glad that I left the military before that could happen," Saryuu mentioned, his free hand gently tucking a piece of hair behind Fey's ear. He didn't know what he would have done if he'd done such a thing, and then to fall in love with Fey... He couldn't have put him through that. "What I did was kill Infected and dictate martial law. But I didn't agree with their methods, so I ran off. I left the quarantine zone without authorization, confident that I could take care of myself considering I'd done so well in my training. Two others who'd been in the same program as me also found that FEDRA was corrupt, so they accompanied me. Meia and Giris..."
He paused for a long while, their names just barely escaping his lips and disappearing into the cold air.
Fey could imagine why. He believed to know where the direction of the story was headed, considering Meia and Giris were no longer around. He could only nuzzle into Saryuu's touch as he continued to tuck pieces of hair behind his ear. It seemed he wasn't even aware he was doing it any longer, lost in his words instead.
The greenette peered into his face, green-blue irises empathetic.
Saryuu continued gravely, "Eventually, others joined us. I made it my policy to take in anybody who was alone. I didn't want them to suffer the same loneliness that I had growing up."
His lip began to quiver, his mouth opening, and closing, and then opening again. Fey squeezed at his hand in hopes of comforting him.
"It's my fault that they're all dead..." Saryuu's voice trembled, "It was a gradual process, but a few years down the road, I was alone again. A group of cannibals had killed Meia and Giris, my only two remaining friends by that point..." He paused, his hand leaving Fey's face and instead fishing it's way through a pocket on his leather jacket. When it withdrew and he laid his hand out flat before the greenette, Fey took in a silver ring laying against his palm. "This was Meia's... Giris had given it to her as a symbol of their engagement. They were supposed to be happy..."
Fey stared down at it sadly, though before he could say anything, Saryuu suddenly pried their hands apart so that he could force the ring into Fey's palm, clasping both of his hands over top of it as his eyes flickered to Fey's, locking with them. "I want you to have it."
"What!?" Fey protested immediately, shaking his head as he tried to steal his hand back. But Saryuu's hands only tightened, and Fey didn't have the heart to fight him. "Saru, no! It belongs to your friend! It feels wrong for me to keep it! It's precious to you."
"Exactly," Saryuu insisted, his voice smooth, "Isn't it only normal for me to trust my most precious possession with the person who is most precious to me? I mean, it isn't as if I need to bestow you with a ring in order to promise to spend the entirety of my life with you. We already made such vows long ago. But..." his tone softened, "it is a rather nice sentiment."
Fey remained uncertain, though Saryuu was pleased when he accepted the ring as he fondly placed it upon Fey's ring finger.
The greenette frowned, eyeing the ring before uttering, "But... I don't have one for you."
He appeared extremely bothered by that fact, and Saryuu opened his mouth to assure him that it was okay. But that was when Fey's facial features suddenly lit up in realization. His hands worked at delicately removing his Firefly pendant from around his neck, and he then offered it to his white haired partner.
"It's kind of lame compared to your ring... But it's precious to me. So I want you to have it. View it as the other half of this ring."
Saryuu blinked down at it before gently taking it between his fingers. He flipped it, taking in it's engravement of Fey's name. Fey Lune. Back when he'd taken the pendant into his hands for the first time on that February evening where he'd stumbled upon the greenette, he'd never even imagined that Fey Lune was his soulmate.
He fondly placed Fey's Firefly pendant around his neck.
"Thanks, Fey..." Saryuu grasped onto it, as if holding it towards his heart. He'd always known that the pendant must have been meaningful to him considering he'd always worn it, despite claiming that he could never go back to the Fireflies. Saryuu had concluded that Fey had kept it, as he associated it with his papa.
"No," Fey murmured, peering down at the ring on his finger before his minty coloured irises flickered up into Saryuu's face thoughtfully, "Thank you, Saru. Thank you for being open with me. I know it must have been hard to talk about... and you're completely right about me being a hypocrite."
"Fey -" Saryuu opened his mouth to state that he'd been harsh, and that it was okay, but Fey cut him off with the shake of his head.
"Don't," the greenette pleaded, "Don't stick up for me. You were right. I've been pushing you all this time when I myself always believed that it was best to move forward. Talking about the past would only hurt me, and in turn, hold me back. It would make me weak when I needed to be strong. And you know what, maybe that's true. Putting survival ahead of everything else is the best coping mechanism we've got, and it will keep us from getting killed, maybe..." He paused, sucking in a shaky breath as he seemed to search the forest floor. He was clearly at conflict with himself. "Being open means being emotional, and being emotional means forming attachments..."
A faint smile flickered over Fey's lips. "I always believed that. But even without being open, I'd say I've become more then attached to you. Maybe it makes us weak... Maybe we worry about each other so much that it can be hard to approach deathly situations with cool heads and cold hearts. But at the same time, I think it makes us stronger somehow, too. It's given everything I do meaning. It's helped me clasp onto hope, and the idea that there's a better tomorrow. It feels more fulfilling than living selfishly for only myself. You know? Besides... I'm sick of feeling lonely. If being lonely is to be strong, then I'd rather be weak, anyway..." He lazily raised a hand, just barely brushing his fingertips up and down Saryuu's arm. "Now it's my turn. I want to be open with you."
Saryuu's gaze was steady as he asked, taking hold of the hand that travelled across his arm. "Do you mean about what happened with the Fireflies?" When Fey silently nodded his head, biting at his lip, Saryuu squeezed at his hand encouragingly. "I'll listen to every word. But first, I wanted to let you know that what you said was very lovely. You're lovely. And you're stronger then you give yourself credit for. Even without me, you had dreams and ambitions. You didn't need companionship in order to obtain hope. You've always had hope, despite everything. In my opinion, that is strength. You were strong, while never burying your emotions in the process. You let yourself feel things. You haven't let this world change you." He smirked, adding teasingly, "On top of these things, you're more then capable of taking care of yourself. Anybody who says otherwise, well, you'd smash their skull, I'm sure."
That earned him a light giggle from the greenette, though he quietly murmured that Saryuu shouldn't make such dark jokes.
Saryuu ignored it.
"But I suppose I'll get to the point," the snowy haired boy chuckled quietly, rubbing his thumb across the surface of Fey's porcelain knuckles, "You're a caring person, Fey. You're both caring and strong. I'm the weak one. A coward. That's why, before you share anything about yourself, would it be okay for me to confide in you about the nightmare that I had last night?"
The ex-Firefly's eyes scanned his partner's face keenly. He was more then glad with what Saryuu had already done for the sake of their partnership. But he didn't want him to push himself. "I want us to be open, Saru, but like I said earlier, that doesn't mean that you have to tell me absolutely everything. I'm sure there are some things that we need to keep to ourselves. I only wanted you to tell me before because I couldn't stand to see you suffer in silence like that. But now that you've told me about your past, I think I can understand what you're going through more. You don't have to tell me. Only if you're comfortable. But so long as you are, then you can confide in me about anything."
Saryuu was a bit relieved. Emotional conversations like these on a daily basis would be too much on him. But this was something he needed to talk about. "This is something that I can't hide from you," he lowered his gaze, "You deserve to know... I... I've done some rather unsettling things. You should know the truth."
Fey frowned, "Saru, we've all done awful things." He tilted his head to look up into Saryuu's downcast eyes, their violet depths plagued with guilt. Fey had also taken notice of the fact that Saryuu's thumb had froze against his porcelain hand. "Hey... you're not afraid of what I'll think, are you? I already told you – there isn't anything you could do that would make me hate you."
At that, Saryuu tried to tear his shame away as if it were a band-aid, stating what it was he wanted to say immediately once he was given Fey's permission. His tone was apathetic, but his emotions ran rampant in the depths of his eyes.
"The cannibals who killed Meia and Giris... I killed them. I killed every last one of them."
Fey went to question how such a thing was any different from when they'd slaughtered groups of Hunters. Vengeance was different from doing so solely for supplies, but even so. They'd murdered Saryuu's friends... he could hardly blame Saryuu. Fey didn't even know how he'd feel if something so horrid were to happen to any of his own loved ones... Saryuu's actions were harsh, yes, but such was the world they lived in.
Saryuu ensured that he had no time to interrupt however, sharply adding, "I stalked their group of survivors across the country before murdering them all in cold blood. Including children."
He fell silent, watching as Fey processed the statement.
The greenette seemed stunned, and perhaps a bit breathless. His eyes fluttered, his brow knotting ever so slightly before he managed to focus on Saryuu's face again, his lips faintly parted. He took a sharp breath.
"...Saru." All he could do was softly speak his name. He wanted to think up some way to justify it, but his eyebrows only furrowed more tensely, a puzzled look overcoming him. He was desperate. He needed to express the fact that he couldn't blame him for what he'd done, despite the shiver that ran through him at the thought of those poor children... Would he have done the same? What if a group of survivors took Saryuu from him? Would he kill them all, including the innocent? It hurt to even try and imagine the overwhelming amounts of grief that Saryuu must have been feeling back then. Loneliness was excruciating.
His struggle to speak must have looked like disappointment in Saryuu's eyes. Saryuu must have thought that he really did look down on him for what he'd done, despite claiming that nothing he did would ever do such a thing.
He needed to say something. Anything.
Anything to help Saryuu's shame go away. Even if it meant exposing his own sins.
"I killed my papa," he said in one cold breath.
Saryuu's head rose, blinking orbs flickering to him as the prior shame dissipated and was replaced with disbelief – as if he wasn't sure whether he'd heard Fey properly. "Fey?" he spoke questionably, concern swimming in his violet hues. He finally felt a shred of what Fey had probably been feeling all this time. Fey had watched him endure his own pain, unknowing of what was truly going on beneath the surface. And now Saryuu couldn't help but feel awful... Had Fey been living with such heartache all this time?
"So please don't let the past make you believe that you're a bad person, or that I'll think you're a bad person..." Fey continued in a murmur, his gaze not really focusing on much of anything. They seemed to be someplace else. Somewhere far away. "We've all done unforgivable things. But you're a good person, Saru. I know you think I'll say that either way, because I love you. But you proved it when you saved me back then. A cruel person would have let me die..."
"...Fey," Saryuu brought both hands to the greenette's face, and he bowed his head so that he could press his forehead against Fey's. "Thank you. But let me listen to you now. Tell me about what happened with your father." Fey was so intent on helping him, but now Saryuu felt a sudden surge to encourage the same from him. Fey's words eased his mind, and it felt good to finally express his torment. Also, Fey's reaction was that final push that he needed to ensure that the greenette truly would never look down on him. He felt secure, ridding himself of anymore doubt. Never had he felt so content in fellowship.
Fey faltered, nuzzling into Saryuu's forehead some more before carefully wrapping his hands around each of Saryuu's wrists and removing them from where they'd wrapped themselves along Fey's jawline. He gave him a sort of weak, sheepish smile as he asked, "Okay. But could we walk and talk?" He was happy to have helped Saryuu, it appeared. But he felt that for himself, it would be easier for him to talk about it as he walked. If Saryuu continued to look at him like that and lavish him in all of these affectionate gestures, then he knew full well that he'd probably end up a sobbing mess in Saryuu's shirt.
Saryuu slowly accepted, watching as Fey directed a reassuring smile at him before taking the lead. His boots crunched in the snow beneath them, filling his ears. Concentrating on it, as well as the way the air felt cold on his lungs as he breathed it in, made the knot in his stomach feel more distant.
As usual, his hands found their way to the straps of his teal and black bag once he shifted it's weight against him.
Before he found it within himself to speak, he noticed a bright line ahead – a blanket of light that flooded the nearby clearing. It seemed they'd just about made it to the forest's edge.
Emerging from the final line of trees, the two shielded their eyes from the gleaming sun, taking in their surroundings. Skyscrapers lay further ahead, towards the heart of the city. For now, they found themselves within a park. It was surrounded by smaller buildings. The outskirts.
A frozen pond lay to the side of them, it's icy surface glittering madly with the golden beams of the sun as if it were some sort of enchanting mirror. It was pretty, and Fey found himself eyeing it before realizing that Saryuu had walked ahead of him.
He peered back at the ex-Firefly.
In order to fight off the sunshine, he'd pulled his goggles from his head and over his eyes. A crack ran across one of it's pale yellow lenses (an injury it'd sustained when he'd taken a brick to the head back in the spring time), and Fey wondered how he could even see through them. But he seemed to be maneuvering just fine. That only made the greenette curious to try them on, though he shook his head of the thought, promising himself to stay on track. He'd agreed to talk with Saryuu. Saryuu had shared personal experiences with him, so now it was his turn.
They made their way towards the heart of the city as they spoke, staying wary of their new surroundings as they did so. Saryuu's hand just barely stroked the holster of his 9mm pistol.
In preparation of speaking, Fey instinctively went to clasp onto his Firefly pendant, though the ring that twinkled on his finger sheepishly reminded him that it now adorned Saryuu's neck. He smiled to himself at that, his tone fond when he finally decided to talk to the partner who patiently awaited his words. "I was raised at the Firefly's main base of operations. It was safest there," his smile widened as Saryuu fell back beside him, glancing towards him every now and then, though always watching him from the corner of his eye, "The Fireflies were like my family, always looking out for me as I grew up, and sheltering me during attacks and stuff... Papa was very important, so I guess that made me important too."
"I'm positive they would have cared for you, regardless," Saryuu said. And though his eyes were concealed via his goggles, Fey knew that they flicked towards him as he spoke, adding with a slight smirk, "I bet you were a cute kid."
Fey blushed slightly, shooting him a look before he continued, seriousness settling within him. His smile had left his lips, and his facial features only seemed to drop more and more as he continued.
"While papa was away on missions for long periods of time, different Firefly members would look after me. It was hard on me growing up, because some of those same people wouldn't always come back home when it was their turn to complete a mission... They'd been lost to us." Fey trailed off after that, biting at the inside of his mouth. Saryuu frowned, his eyebrows furrowing as he draped an arm around Fey's shoulder, his hand resting at the back of Fey's neck. His fingers lightly caressed the tips of flippy hair that swept to the side. Only then, did Fey pick up from where he'd left off.
"Once I was at a decent age, the Fireflies taught me how to fight," the greenette mentioned, concentrating on the way Saryuu's hands tended to his hair. It was comforting. And he'd need it with what was coming up. "And then when I turned thirteen, they finally let me take part in Firefly operations."
He paused.
"To be honest, I feel a bit bad for how I left things with the Fireflies... Those who'd been close with papa loyally looked out for me, and I hope they don't blame themselves or feel as if they let papa down. They probably feel like they failed to take care of me in papa's place." Fey's hands squeezed around his bag straps, his gaze fixated on his boots and his jaw clenched before he uttered, "I left them when I turned fifteen. I..." he hesitated, trying to keep his tone flat, "I discovered that papa... papa had been Infected."
Saryuu pressed his lips together even further. His hand left it's spot against the boy's green hair, instead lowering so that his palm could rest against Fey's back. "So you killed him, Fey...?" the snowy haired boy asked cautiously.
Fey's past actions at times suddenly made so much more sense to him right then. Saryuu had noted to himself that Fey seemed to have an easier time killing people over the Infected. With the people they had come across, Fey had been ruthless when needed. But Infected scared him. And now he understood why. Killing the Infected only took him back to when he'd had to kill his father. It'd scarred him.
"You know how the Fireflies are the only group said to still be searching for a cure?" Fey finally turned to meet Saryuu's face. Pain was in his eyes at the reminiscence, but he forced a weak smile, regardless. "I always respected that. But... did you know that they experiment on live test subjects? The Fireflies were using papa as a lab rat for their experiments after he'd been Infected... I... I walked in on them. It's kind of a blur. I just remember screaming at them. Screaming that they were making papa suffer." He swallowed thickly. "They forced me out of the room, but I sneaked back in a few nights later so that I could say goodbye to him... And that was when I put him out of his misery before taking off."
Saryuu had lost his fair share of loved ones, but never had he needed to 'put them down.' He couldn't imagine the weight that Fey carried upon him because of it. All he could do was be there for him.
He took his hand away, tilting his head as he spoke firmly – hoping that he'd be able to get through to him. "Fey, you did the right thing. I'm sure that seeing him in such a state was incredibly upsetting to you. You didn't want to see him suffer because you love him. What you did was an act of such love."
"We both have our reasons for the sins we've committed," Fey continued to watch him, his own minty orbs desperate to reassure his snowy haired partner. "Saru, if you can look me in the eye and mean what you said, then you need to accept your past, too. You killed those people because you were upset too. You were in a dark place. You'd lost everything after gradually building your family from nothing."
Saryuu still didn't feel as if he deserved such compassion towards what he had done, but his selfishness kept him from denying it. He didn't care what anybody thought. Maybe he would sometimes look back at it and ooze with guilt... but knowing that Fey was there for him made his past feel faintly insignificant.
With hopeful eyes, Saryuu spoke, "...But now you're my family. Right, Fey?"
Fey beamed over at him, and he was happy that even after their heart-to-heart that Fey was capable of that. He'd been worried that the conversation had brought him down. But if anything, the brightness in his eyes, and the motions in which he walked – it all seemed lighter, somehow.
"Oh?" he teased, raising an eyebrow at him as a playful smirk played upon his lips – a gesture that Fey used in order to convey to his partner that he was at ease now. "Did my acceptance of your ring not already seal that deal?"
Saryuu laughed. "Pfft, as if I know how it all works. I'm not very familiar with marriage, nor it's customs. All I know is it's complicated."
"Yet you know all sorts of name meanings?" Fey's amusement grew.
"Shut up," Saryuu chuckled.
"I'm beginning to wonder if you made all of those meanings up," Fey winked before quickly leaning in and pressing his lips to Saryuu's cheek. He spoke more so genuinely as he withdrew from the survivor, who blinked over at him through the lenses of his goggles, the faintest shade of rose coating his cheeks considering he hadn't been expecting it. "Engagement is nice. But we said so before – we don't need anything like that to know that we're committed to one another. We've been family this whole time, really. We've always had each others' backs."
Saryuu craned his head back, looking up into the bright sky and letting his breath drift from his mouth and into the cold air above. The tops of skyscrapers filled his vision, as they'd travelled deeper within the city. Snow covered everything, burying the streets, and sitting upon the hoods and roofs of some of the stationed cars.
Fey wasn't sure what it was, but there was something odd looking about the scene before him. Some cars seemed to be buried deeper in snow, almost as if wind tunnels created by the surrounding buildings had unpredictably tossed the snow about – making it appear deeper in some areas, whereas some lacked much at all. Something in the back of his mind told him to be wary...
"That we do," Saryuu breathed, redirecting his gaze from the winter sky and cheerfully back to Fey, "So now that we've gotten all of that out of our system, what do you say we stargaze tonight? We can find a safe apartment to crash at, and watch the skies from the roof. Based on how the moon looked the other night, I think it's supposed to be a full moon tonight."
Fey opened his mouth to respond, but that was when realization struck him like lightning.
He stopped, taking in his odd appearing surroundings yet again. But even just that mere second of hesitance allowed Saryuu to walk too far ahead of him, and it rendered his realization too late.
The snow had concealed it.
The vehicles weren't buried in snow – they were submerged into the ground.
And that was when the ground underneath them groaned as it began to crack.
"SARU!" Fey screamed at his partner, snatching for his arm, though it was too far out of his reach by that point, "THIS AREA WAS FLOODED! IT'S FROZEN! WE'RE STANDING ON ICE! WE-"
And that was when the ground gave away beneath Saryuu.
He was pulled into the water, swallowed up entirely by it's piercingly cold, black depths. That's all there was. Black. Black all around him. He'd hardly even registered what'd happened. All he knew was that the cold embraced him, feeling like death itself.
'What's going on!?'
He gasped involuntarily, and he could feel it as cold water filled his lungs, increasing his level of panic.
'It's so cold! I'm going to die!'
His heart hammered so wildly at the shock that he was surprised that it hadn't exploded.
'I can't move!'
He couldn't even think to kick his legs, his mind racing wildly as he instead sank further and further into the black depths of the frigid waters.
'Fey...'
I hope you all don't mind a cliff hanger. I don't think this story has ever really had one. Dx Anyhow, thanks for reading, and any reviews would be highly appreciated. Also, I'm sure Fey would very much appreciate a prayer circle for Saru. Wow I'm not funny.