Chapter 7

Kurt needed to call Sarah, so he used the phone in the room. He and Remi were both still lazing in bed, relaxing beside each other. Remi looked at the apricot shade over the window, the sun illuminating it from behind and making it clear that they'd only been there a couple of hours. There was still plenty of time left to enjoy the weekend.

She listened with fascinated amusement while Kurt talked to his sister. She could hear some of the words emanating from the earpiece, realizing that much of what Sarah was saying involved yelling at her brother. Remi was also relatively certain she heard her name, and from the way he was blushing, and sneaking side glances at her, she got the impression that Sarah was giving him a hard time for seeing anyone other than Remi. No matter how unhappily Sarah griped, he didn't cave and tell her that Remi was the person right next to him.

Remi snatched the phone from Kurt's shoulder and said, "Hey, Sarah." The phone was silent for a few breaths, and Remi guessed that Sarah was trying to place the voice. "It's Remi," she continued. "I stole your brother for the weekend."

"Oh," Sarah replied, sounding pleased and surprised. "Why didn't he tell me?"

"We're being discreet."

"Mmm," Sarah said suspiciously. "Discreet because you have a boyfriend or a husband somewhere?"

"Nothing like that," Remi reassured.

"Then my lips are sealed," Sarah promised. "And tell him not to waste any more time calling me this weekend. I'll talk to him Monday."

"I don't think—" Remi began, prepared to argue.

"Bye now," Sarah quickly interrupted before the line cut dead.

Remi looked at the phone and said to Kurt, "She's even intense over the phone."

"Yea," he chuckled. "You didn't have to tell her you were here."

She hung up the phone and replied, "I think your sister likes me more than you do." Although she was smiling, his stare was heavy with unspoken thoughts. "You said something about food?" she asked. "They have room service if you want to try it."

"We don't have time for that."

"Why?" she asked, suddenly wondering if she'd planned on a full weekend together and he only intended on staying with her for a few hours. They hadn't specifically discussed a length of time for their stay.

"Thirty-six count?" he questioned. He picked up the box of condoms she'd brought, pointed to the label and said with astonishment, "I had no idea expectations were that high for one weekend. We don't have time for extra stuff like eating and sleep. I'll be honest…I'm intimidated." He nearly giggled.

"Shut up," she playfully snarled once she realized he'd been teasing, planting her knee on his chest to hold him down while she wrested the box from his hand. "Or you won't get to use any more of them."

"Who's that punish more, me or you?" he devilishly glinted.

It was hard to tell which of his many looks she liked best, but the troublemaking one was definitely one of her favorites.

"Speaking of punishments," he added, "how long are you going to disappear for this time?"

"That wasn't a punishment."

"It's gonna feel like one if I have to go a whole month again without seeing you." His mood turned more serious before he asked, "That is…if I even get to see you again?"

"Of course you will," she answered, smiling, but feeling like she could mourn as he looked through her. Of course he seemed to notice. How did such a fun day sour so quickly?

"I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be welcomed if I stopped at Shepherd's place to see you. I have no phone number where I can call you, hell, I don't even know your last name."

"I'll figure out a way for you to reach me. Just give me some time," she stated calmly. She hopped up, walking over to the desk. "I'm hungry," she said, searching through the drawer to see if there were any menus. She rifled through a hotel binder for a moment before she found the right page. "What, you not hungry?" she asked when she didn't hear a response.

He didn't answer, and she looked over her shoulder at him, seeing the way his eyes were glued to her back. She hadn't bothered to cover her body, forgetting about the large, dark bruise she'd gotten only two days earlier that had been hidden from his sight until that moment.

"Oh," she tried to explain, squelching her uncertainty as best as she could. She didn't care for the feeling of being taken by surprise. "I was at home and we were working on—"

He shook his head, clearly not wanting her to continue. Maybe he knew the words she was about to speak would be lies.

"Let me help you," he finally said, his voice so serene and kind that it stung in her ears.

"I don't need your help," she said, shaking her head. "I don't need anyone's help."

"I know you don't need my help. But that doesn't mean you couldn't use it. Did Shepherd do that to you?"

"No," she huffed.

"What's going on? Tell me what I can do to make you trust me?"

"It's not only a matter of trust. I like you too much to let you get involved in this," she admitted. Her voice sounded angrier than she'd intended, but she needed him to know she was serious.

"And I like you too much not to get involved," he argued.

She felt a boiling turmoil within. She was angry at him for bringing this up. Angry at herself for letting him so close. But most of all, she was furious with herself for even considering trusting anyone. She was losing control, letting emotions roam freely in her head, and yet she didn't seem to want to do the right thing and walk out of there.

With mounting irritation, she dropped her hands at her side and said, "We don't have much time together. You want to talk about this stuff? You want to talk about things that might make you hate me, or pity me? I don't want to talk about them. I want to have fun. I want to laugh and fuck around. I want to eat room service for the first time in my life. I want to forget about everything outside of this room. Can't we do that? Can't we just be together and have fun?"

She didn't understand why his head bowed a bit and he looked away. Wouldn't almost every other man on the planet be thrilled with an offer like that? His shoulders looked heavier, like it took a little more effort to breathe. Holding out his hand, he asked, "Pass me the menu?"

She handed the binder to him, feeling relieved that he agreed and determined to enjoy these hours of freedom with him. She jumped onto the bed, taking a few long steps before she flopped next to him. He went through the motions, without a guilt trip or sulking, but he just seemed different, sadder. He offered to pick up the food bills since she'd paid for the room, and when she told him it wasn't necessary, he said, "Seems fair," in a way that sounded much more laden with subtext than the words had made it seem.

He got up and grabbed a clean pair of jeans and a shirt from his bag, and she disapprovingly stated, "You don't have to get dressed."

"I'll get the door when the food comes," he answered. Trying to jest, he added, "I answer the door naked, and that poor waiter is just gonna feel bad about himself for the rest of his life."

She smiled even as she scoffed, noting that he was trying to joke around like everything was fine, but it was easy to tell that something had changed.

Kurt answered the door when the food came, and Remi dashed into the bathroom with some clothes as well. He took the tray and carried it in, silently reproaching himself for feeling so hurt. Remi had no reason to trust him, and he had no right to harbor deeper feelings for her after such a short time. He told himself that this was only some adult version of puppy love, and he shouldn't take everything so seriously. But damn, all he could hear in his head was her insistence that they should just "have fun together" and it became clear that his emerging feelings were completely lopsided compared to hers.

As if that didn't hurt enough, part of what was really gnawing at him was the realization that her life had probably been far worse than what she'd led on, and it wasn't like she'd painted an ideal picture to start with. She had a strange scar below her shoulder that he thought looked suspiciously like a bullet wound. There was a gash on her stomach that had been long healed, but he could feel the mass of scar tissue beneath, and knew it must have been a very deep cut. Those things that he could attribute to her past were unsettling, but when he started to realize that many bruises and injuries were newer, he wondered how much danger she was still in on a regular basis.

He sat on the desk chair and looked at the reflective silvery covers over their food, wondering if he should stay or go, but even though it was going to hurt in the long run, he didn't want to give up his time with her.

She came out of the bathroom, dressed but more for bed than to leave, which was some small relief to him. She sat on the edge of the bed, very near his chair, their knees only a few inches apart. He pulled off the food covers and surveyed the plates, asking, "Want me to move the tray over there?"

Remi appeared to be giving the question more thought than what should have been required. Kurt picked up a potato wedge and took a bite. She sighed so deeply that he realized her thoughts weren't on the food. "Have you ever wondered if someone or something you believe in, something you've built your whole life on, is wrong?" she asked.

He bobbed his head, dusting the salt from his fingers, and truthfully responded, "Yea."

"I need you to promise me that you won't say anything to anyone about this conversation. And that you will never use it to go after Roman or Shepherd."

"Of course," he started to answer, but noticed that his reply didn't seem to be sufficient. "I promise."

"I don't want to lie, but there are things I can't tell you, so I won't. It's for your own good. If you try to push me for more, the conversation is over."

"Okay."

"Shepherd gave us purpose," Remi confessed. "Roman and I were angry and confused, full of rage when she took us in. We were monsters. And…she helped us channel that. She told us we could make a difference, be heroes instead of monsters. I believed her for a long time. And now…I don't know what the truth is. I don't know if I should believe everything I've been told. I can't trust anyone anymore. Not Shepherd or Oscar. Sometimes I'm not sure if I even trust my brother. My brother means everything to me, I mean everything to him, but he looks up to Shepherd. He really sees her as his mother. She's very good at manipulating, especially him."

"What changed?" he asked.

"I was dating this man, one of Shepherd's ex-army buddies, in secret. We were all in a meeting, one of the first I'd ever been invited to. He and Shepherd disagreed about how to handle something, and she asked what I thought. I sided with him because I thought he was right. I thought the information we needed was worth the risks. She washed her hands of the whole thing, told us that we were on our own, and that I would have to accept the consequences of my decisions. It was probably the only time she really let me make an important decision."

Remi continued, "He asked me to go in with him for the exchange…these weren't nice people, I knew that, but they had information that we couldn't get from anyone else. He gave me a large yellow envelope, and told me I'd be responsible for paying. When we got there, they started talking, and something didn't feel right. I looked in the envelope, and the only thing inside was a pile of blank index cards. The envelope wasn't the payment."

"What do you mean?"

"I was the payment. He traded me for the information he needed."

"Wait," Kurt shook his head, feeling suddenly very un-hungry, "You can't trade people."

"The leader of that group had seen me before at a meeting with Shepherd. He didn't want money. Before my so-called boyfriend left, he told me that it was 'for the greater good' and that 'difficult sacrifices had to be made.' He told me I was a hero. But he walked out alone with the intel for Shepherd, and never looked back."

Kurt reached out to hold her, terrified for her because of the things she'd been through, wanting to offer comfort. But she put up her hand, clearly unable to accept such an offer at that moment. His hand fell to her knee as he faced her, though, and she allowed it to remain. Taking a steadying breath, she put her hand on top of his.

"Shepherd came to find you?" he asked, hoping that was the truth.

Remi shook her head slowly. "I was on my own, tied up in some basement, barely dressed, with these guards. Later that night, they were ordered to move me to another location. They were all disgusting, leering at me like…god," she closed her eyes for a moment before she shook the image from her mind. "They were all around me, holding me tight against them, wouldn't give me any room, I could barely breathe. They were supposed to take me to their boss, but one of them decided that they deserved to 'have their turn' with me first. I don't think I ever felt so trapped, like there was no hope that I could ever get away. I figured that, eventually, they'd kill me. But death sounded like the better option, you know? The guard standing behind me, he had his arm around my neck, but loosened it for a second. He was messing with his zipper and I think it was stuck or something. But he was distracted, and that gave me my chance. I was able to free myself and get away."

"That's amazing," Kurt said, still horrified, but elated that she'd managed to get free. Her strength was as beautiful as the rest of her.

She shook her head, closing her eyes as he saw a singular tear dampen her eyelashes, but it didn't fall.

"I killed him," she blurted out. He could see the anticipation on her face, the moment when she expected him to begin to hate her. "I snapped his neck with my bare hands. Still think that's amazing?"

"Yes. I do," he said, his voice full of sorrow.

"You look at me and you see a normal girl that you can date and take home, and I'm not that person."

"I have never looked at you and seen some 'normal girl,'" he said, leaning closer. "I'm sorry you had to do that, but you were protecting yourself. Do you really think I'd expect you to let them keep you there, to let them rape and kill you without putting up a fight?" Keeping one hand on her knee, the other moved to her face, one finger directing her to look at him. "I'm glad you fought them. If I would have been there," he vowed, "I would have done whatever it took to get you out of there. That's what you did…you did what you needed to do to survive."

"You should know what I'm capable of…some of the things I've done."

"What did Shepherd do when she found out the guy, your boyfriend and her ex-army buddy, traded you?" Kurt redirected.

Remi shook her head, facing another difficult memory, "She said she warned me. She was right. Said I chose the wrong side, and that, just like she warned, I had to face the consequences. Then she welcomed me back home, told me that she was proud that I survived. An hour later, she was talking about my next job."

"You're not still seeing him, are you?" Kurt asked, feeling a growing hatred for a nameless and faceless being.

"No," she vehemently answered. "It's over now. I—I gave myself to him. He was my first. I'd gone out on a few dates with guys before, but he was my only boyfriend. Everyone looked up to him, said what a great man he was and a wonderful leader. He was charismatic, so easy to follow. I believed him when he said he loved me. I trusted him completely. It was all a huge mistake. I hate him. I hate myself for being fooled, for believing in him and for thinking that I mattered to him at all. I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with anyone ever again. And I didn't. Until…" she glanced up at Kurt, a myriad of subtle emotions crossing her face. "Until you," she confessed. "I know you can see how fucked up I am. I'm cold. I need to be in control, all of the time."

"You aren't cold, you're cautious. It's completely understandable," he affirmed, but he knew how important it was for her to feel in control.

He felt many things in that moment, intense fury for the things she'd been subjected to, the desire to take her and run as far away from there as they could go, and most of all, a sense of responsibility and privilege that, for whatever reason, she'd chosen to open up to him.

And then he started to do the math, realizing that she would have been even younger at the time that her boyfriend traded her for information. He also realized that the man who'd betrayed her, whom Remi had referred to as one of 'Shepherd's ex-army buddies' was likely much older as well. Kurt felt all of the hatred he'd harbored for his father combine into this rage toward Remi's betrayer. Taylor was much younger than Remi had been, but she was still young, and whoever that man was, he destroyed a part of her.

"Shepherd," he began, trying to tame the seething rage he felt, "she cut ties with the guy, right?"

Remi shook her head. "Part of what really bothers me…is that I've always questioned if she had some idea of what was going to happen. Like a test or maybe to prove a point, to make me fall in line when I was starting to question things. I tried to forget the idea, push it out of my head. I had no proof, so I assumed I was being paranoid. But then again recently, I did something she didn't like, and she tried to put me in line again. Now I don't know if I'm being paranoid because I can't trust anyone or if…if the woman I've followed and trusted for almost a decade betrayed me, too. I handle a lot of business for her because she knows I can get any job done. But my work…it's dangerous."

"So stop working for her."

"If I won't do the jobs, she'll send Roman."

Kurt tried to swallow his frustration, but his throat was dry and tight. "Can't you both leave?" Kurt asked, wanting nothing more than to make sure she never stepped foot on that farm again.

"Shepherd would find me. I know things…things that she doesn't want other people to know. And what about Roman?" she asked, the worry on her face making him realize that she'd probably considered this many times before.

"Take him with you."

"Shepherd keeps him under control. Roman's…unpredictable. He needs a lot of structure."

"If there's one thing I've learned in the military academy, it's structure," Kurt offered. "I could help."

"Sure," she sarcastically answered, "the three of us could all sleep in your bunk…no one would notice."

Kurt's mind was racing, trying to think of any way to get them out of there. "I'll come up with something."

"You can't talk to anyone about this," she reminded.

"I won't. I swear. I will not break your trust, Remi. I'll prove it to you…I'm not like Shepherd. Or that…guy," he spat the last word. "I'm not like any of them."

"I know," she answered, blinking slowly, her voice so clear and certain that the honesty dripped from each word. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't. Even though I believe it, even though I want to let go and trust you, part of me can't. I still always feel the need to have the upper hand. To be in control because I'm scared of what will happen if I stop."

He could still see the fear behind the mask, the self-doubt that made her wonder if she had been making a huge mistake in trusting him. She misunderstood his expression and said, "I told you, I don't want your pity."

"It's not pity," he shook his head. "You're strong and you seem like you never give up. Why would I pity someone like that? But that doesn't stop me from hating the people who've done those things to you. And…I'm worried."

"I can handle myself."

"But you're not invincible," he calmly replied. "And that mark on your back isn't old."

She got up and straightened the covers, like she'd flipped a switch and the discussion was over, and they hadn't just shared an incredibly personal exchange of information. He wanted to know more. What was Shepherd really doing, and what were these runs and exchanges? What the hell had happened to her as a child and how did she learn to snap necks and fight off multiple attackers successfully? Would she even be able to fully trust him and run far away from Shepherd if he found a way?

He had his own obligations to think about as well, to Sarah and the military. And it wasn't like he had a ton of money lying around, apart from the money he'd saved for Sarah's education. Not to mention that he couldn't just leave the academy for a few months and return at will.

"It's getting cold," she said, interrupting his thoughts as she pointed at the food.

She placed a clean towel over the sheets, like she was setting up a picnic. "Is this okay?"

"Yea," he answered softly, carrying the tray over.

She stopped, hands on her hips as she very authoritatively stated, "If you want to call this off, I completely get it—"

"I don't," he interrupted.

"Seriously, I'd understand. Just be upfront. I can take it."

"I don't," he said so loudly that he nearly yelled. "I'm not breaking it off. I don't even want us to leave on Sunday, okay? But I know I can't convince you otherwise…and I have nowhere to take you even if I could convince you."

"You know I have to go back."

"Yea. But do one thing for me."

"What?" she guardedly asked.

"Promise me you'll think about it. Maybe think about leaving, if we can figure it all out."

"Kurt," she cautioned.

"I'm just asking you to think about it. That's it."

"I'll think about it," she answered. "But I don't see how you're going to find a way out for me and Roman."

"I will," Kurt said, deciding then and there that he wouldn't stop until he figured it out.

She lay awake in bed later that night. Her mind argued, as it often did, between whether she was crazy for not trusting him or a fool for even thinking about it. She'd been taught time and again, from some of her earliest memories of childhood on, that she had to protect herself first. And the only time she'd forgotten that, she'd been horribly betrayed. Thinking about trusting someone again was sheer insanity.

Still, she found herself smiling as she watched him rest, the way his lip moved when he exhaled with the relaxed tempo of deep sleep. She'd smiled often when she'd thought about him during the last month.

She rolled on her side, her back to him, to look at the clock. Almost as soon as she'd moved, he rolled on his side to follow her, his arm wrapping her up. There were a few moments when her survival instincts kicked in and she felt the rush of adrenaline that sped up her heart and told her to run. Closing her eyes, she slowly blew the air from her lungs, calming her nerves as she somewhat awkwardly told herself to lie still.

Once she did, his arm seemed to automatically tighten. His hand moved to the center of her chest and placed pressure against it, encouraging her body closer to his. A few more steady breaths lowered her pounding heart rate, and with great determination, she leaned her back to his chest and closed her eyes. For a few minutes, it was terribly uncomfortable. His arm over her felt like a cage, and the fact that she couldn't see behind her made her mind prepare for the worst. But she wasn't ready to quit. After all, her rational self knew that at that moment he was sleeping, completely nonthreatening, and more cuddly and comfortable than dangerous. She believed fully in the importance of self-preservation and protection, but there was a fine line between acting in self-protection and acting out of fear. Remi was never one to allow fear to run her life. As difficult as this was, he seemed worth it. And if she was wrong this time, well, at least she'd know that she tried, refusing to let fear get in her way.

It took much less time than she'd anticipated to start to relax. She began matching her breath to his, feeling the steady cadence of his heartbeat against her back. A satisfied sigh rumbled in his chest. After a few moments, when she felt she'd successfully put fear in its place, she rolled and faced him, taking a moment to study him. The only light in the room came from a fixture near the door, barely illuminating their bed, but enough to make out the lines of his face. As her eyes focused in the dark, she took in his handsome features, and felt her heart whispering its affirmation of her choice.

She steadied herself for a moment, entwining her legs between his, wrapping her arm around his back and pulling him toward her. There was a momentary panic as some of his weight pushed her side down into the bed. His arm reached around her, his shoulder resting in the center of her chest. She was just getting used to it when his eyes fluttered open. He groaned and pushed his palm to the bed to lift away from her, mumbling his apologies.

She tightened her arms around his chest and shook her head. "Stay here?" she requested.

Although his expression was uncertain, he carefully lowered back down, and she could feel the way he still tried to hold himself up. He waited, his nose resting against her jaw, the backs of his fingers climbing her ribs each time he stroked her side.

After a little time had passed, he asked, "Should I move now?" before he pressed a kiss below her ear.

She shook her head, letting one arm curl around his neck to hold his head in place. "No," she answered. "I think—I think this is okay."

Just a few seconds later, she could tell he was sleeping. And it actually felt…good. As hard as she'd worked to remain unattached to him, she started to think she was going to miss the feeling of him beside her, and was grateful that she still had another night to spend like this before they'd have to go back to their separate lives.