That's Why I'm Here
By LizD
Written June 2011
Chapter Seven
x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x
Brennan arrived home after midnight. When she drove into the lot passed Booth's vehicle she had a very nice sensation. She actually smiled in spite of her utter exhaustion. He was there at home waiting for her. How long had it been since someone was waiting at home for her? Over fifteen years at least, probably closer to twenty. She tried to logic her way out of feeling more than she should. His being there was a practical solution to a problem - not a problem really - a situation. It would have been just as logical had they still been just partners. But if they were just partners it wouldn't have been suggested or one of them would have been on the couch or in the spare bedroom. A wave of worry washed over her. What if he was in the spare room? What if this was just a practical solution to a situation and not anything more? Did it matter if it was? Would it make any difference? Yes, that would imply something. She shook the thoughts away. Angela had told her repeatedly that she shouldn't go looking trouble; she now understood what that meant. Booth was not the kind of man to say more than he felt, typically it was less to a fault. There was no reason to doubt him. She caught her reflection in her window as she closed and locked the door. She wasn't doubting him; she was doubting herself. She needed to stop that too.
She let herself into the apartment quietly. He had left some lights on for her. Booth's coat was over the back of the couch. There was a bag packed. It occurred to her that they might be staying in the mountains for more than the day. That would be awkward with the other FBI agents and rangers. But as she looked closer at the bag, it was just his work bag – laptop and such. Of course he wouldn't want to leave it in the SUV and maybe he did some work waiting for her to come home. In the kitchen there were some dishes in the drainer that she hadn't left and her garbage had been taken out. She found the thought of him making himself at home in her home very ... nice.
She found it interesting that he didn't call her after he left the lab. It wasn't necessary. There were a few business e-mails, but he would hardly be expected to put anything personal in a work email. They had a plan and each would do the best they could to follow it. Trust with no second guessing. She found that refreshing – not unexpected, but refreshing. Often in the past men would try to crowd her. She was independent and self-sufficient. She didn't like being crowded and she didn't need to be coddled. That had ended many relationships before they got started. It was a point for Booth that he knew her enough not to crowd.
She eased over to the couch. He was not there. She went down the hall to the guest room. Empty. She changed quietly in the bathroom and got ready for bed. She would be fine with three hours. She wouldn't be driving, but she wasn't going to sleep in the car and leave Booth to drive by himself. There was a lot to go over about the case.
The door to her bedroom was open. His form was outlined in the moonlight. It felt ... normal that he was there. It felt right. He seemed so peaceful. She didn't want to disturb him. She stood for a moment longer just watching him when his sleepy voice cut through the dark silence.
"Come to bed, Bones," he said gently.
She hesitated not because she didn't want to go to him; she was enjoying the sight of him in her bed.
"Bones?"
It was so natural and comfortable to him to be sleeping in her bed, she thought. This is how it should always have been. She crossed over to her side, how he knew it was her side was something she would ask him in the morning. She was sure he would have some detective reason for knowing. She slipped under the covers. He rolled over and enveloped her in his arms, kissed her temple and let his breathing go long and steady again. He was completely relaxed. She had never known him to be completely relaxed.
"Do you want know what we found out?" she whispered.
"Everything, but not now." He pulled her tightly against him and then loosened his hold. "Now is for sleep."
Brennan settled back into him and soon found that she was very comfortable in his arms, comfortable enough to fall asleep quickly. They were in the same position when the alarm went off at three-thirty. Booth was the first one up.
x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x
Booth had arrived the night before sometime before eleven. He had done all he could at the office, had delegated responsibilities to some of the other agents and gotten his marching orders from the higher ups. This was a no screw-up case. Marx has already failed. Booth went home to shower and change. He was still in his clothes from that morning in Kansas. His apartment was cold and dark, dusty and musty. It was going to need a big cleaning before the next time Parker or Brennan paid him a visit. Booth normally kept his place squared away; the benefits of Army training. The last time he had been there was the night, THEE night after Vincent's death; it seemed so long ago – a lifetime. Everything changed that day, that night, that morning following. He hadn't taken a breath long enough to think about it in any kind of context; he was just moving forward in true Booth fashion.
There was nothing wrong with that. Booth lived on instinct. His instinct told him that this new direction was the right one. He hadn't planned it. He didn't maneuver the situation to meet a desired end. He didn't wake up that morning and say, 'Today is the day that I'm no longer angry and will pursue a relationship with Bones.' That could be said for most of the decisions – the de facto decisions he made in his life and there were a lot of them. He never set a goal to be a sniper. He just kept following the process, doing his best and excelling at everything he tried. Eventually he found himself considered one of the top five snipers in the US Army at the time. He was probably still in the top ten. It wasn't his plan to work at the FBI either or use that job to balance the scales of his actions in the army, but it worked out that way. He found meaning and purpose as he went along. He didn't intend for Rebecca to get pregnant, to partner with Brennan or to meet Hannah. Those were all events that just happened in his life. He was the type to make the best of the situation he was in and make it work to his advantage - typically. There were the years when gambling took his attention, but they were short lived and behind him now. There was no use bemoaning the past or a future that was not open to him. He was a lot like Brennan in that he accepted reality pretty quickly and moved on with it - typically.
When he arrived at her apartment it was a little strange at first. He had spent the other night there, but that was only one night and she was there. Being alone in her place felt ... decadent. Booth wasn't a snooper in his personal life; he had enough of that in his work life, but he rarely got a chance to just take in her space without her being there. She had some fascinating art, some trinkets from countries that he couldn't pronounce and furniture that fit both form and function - something he was never able to accomplish with his overstuffed leather couch and now these seats from a stadium long ago destroyed. He felt comfortable enough after a little while to get himself a beer, forage for something in her fridge that he could eat and sit down at her table to get some more work done. He worked until eleven thirty; then he really needed to sleep. He cleaned up. Put all his stuff away so it would be ready in the morning and went to her room.
Everything smelled like her. It was the height of decadence to crawl between her crisp cotton sheets without her there. She was coming home soon. She was coming home to him. She would slide in next to him and they would sleep unmolested and safe from the outside world for a few hours at least. The first word that came to mind to describe his mood was happy - in spite of the work that had to be done. But what he was feeling was more like contentment. Not content like it was good enough, but content like he didn't want any more for now.
He wasn't sleeping an hour later, but he was shut down and resting. He heard her come in. He heard her change. He felt come to the doorway of the bedroom and pause. He was in too contented a space to want to disturb too much. He called to her and she came. They fit together like pieces of a puzzle. He slipped back is zone easily and fell into a deep restful slumber that due to the time, was more like a long powernap. He woke refreshed and prepared for the day. He reluctantly pulled away from her and went to dress giving her another ten minutes while he was in the bathroom.
x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x
Brennan didn't take the extra time. She was used to catching sleep in bits and pieces. She wouldn't have said she was refreshed and she was very disappointed when Booth slipped away from her, but she was ready for the work day. She got up and started the coffee and put some fruit, bread and cheese into a bag for the road. There wouldn't be time for a proper breakfast and it was anyone's guess as to when they would get lunch or dinner. As if they had been doing it for years, the dance they did getting ready was choreographed to perfection and all without words. Brennan took Booth's place in the bathroom. He dressed and finished with the coffee - two cups and a large thermos. She was dressed and they were on their way out the door by three fifty-five. They were not morning people – at least not four in the morning people, but they didn't need language just yet.
Before the door was opened and the world and work intruded, Booth caught her eye and smiled. It was a very mixed emotion. He would rather not be headed off to find three more dead girls (which was the mostly likely scenario), he would have preferred to sleep a few more hours particularly if she were there next to him, but to have her by his side and to have them so close took the edge off. Brennan returned the smile and the sentiment. She leaned into him as much as the bags over their shoulders would allow. With his free arm he pulled her close and kissed her.
"Morning," he said with his smile widening into a genuine grin.
"Yes, it is."
"You a grumpy girl?" he teased.
"There are at least two other activities I would rather be doing at this hour," she admitted.
"Heard that." He kissed her again. "Let's go, so we can get back and talk about what those activities might be."
She smiled. "Neither of them involved talking ... much."
"Even better." He stepped back and let her go out first and locked the door behind them. She had had her keys at the ready. She stuffed them into her bag feeling very attended to. It was nice. It was better than nice. It felt good.
x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x
The first twenty minutes was spent with Brennan catching Booth up on what they had discovered the night before and vice versa. The remains that were discovered were not of the Senator's daughter. There was a sixty-five percent probability it was the friend, Cee Cee Carroll. Until they got the dental records they could not state it definitively. She was shot by a 20 gauge shotgun from a distance of approximately six to eight feet but it was a glancing shot; she did not receive the full load. She would have lived approximately three hours after being shot before she bled out. She did not die where she was shot. Brennan had a whole host of other information about her. Booth retained the ones that were important – which is not to say he didn't listen to everything she said. She had been exposed to the elements for at least three days with no shelter. She was severely dehydrated. She had a hairline fracture of her right ankle and she had been favoring that side. Further she had a Colles fracture on her right arm. Brennan was sure that there was other damage, but would not be more specific until she was able to see the bones.
Booth countered back with the information that he received. Linda Monroe, Senator Monroe's daughter had just finished her freshman at the University of Virginia. She and three of her friends went up to the cabin a week ago Sunday, were to return the past Sunday afternoon or night, but have not been heard from. The Senator had called the Park Rangers to do a drive by of the cabin on Monday and that was when Cee Cee Carroll's remains were found. There was nothing else around to indicate that the girls had ever made it to the cabin. Linda's car had not been discovered. It was as if they disappeared on their way to the cabin.
The work portion of the program was done.
They were in comfortable silence for a short moment. Booth asked for more coffee from the thermos and she was happy to take care of it. There was at least another hour before they got to the cabin. Her mind had been full again of the things that she wanted to discuss with him so she decided that since they had time it was a good opportunity to get the conversation rolling. Given that there was limited time the conversation could not get too far away from her before they once again had to focus on work.
"Angela's very anxious for the baby to be born," she offered.
"I'll bet," he returned.
"They seem very happy in spite of the risk."
Booth shot her a look. He had heard about the twenty-five percent chance that the baby could be born blind. He and Hodgins had talked about it a little bit. "A baby is a miracle, Bones and worth the risk."
"You think so?"
"Yes, when the baby gets here – blind or not – they will love him or her and feel completely blessed."
"Is that how you felt with Parker?"
He nodded. "And still do every day."
"In spite of the trouble with Rebecca and not getting enough time with him?"
"Yes." Booth was a proud papa. He took another sip from his coffee.
Brennan felt comfortable enough to address her issue directly. "I want to have a baby," she blurted out.
"Whoa … Yeoow!" He spilled hot coffee on his lap. "Jeez Bones, you can't just come out with stuff like that or you'll be looking for another donor." He wiped at his lap.
"I don't want a donor, Booth" she said.
Her comment registered, but he would have to come back to it. There was a bigger issue to deal with. "Where did that come from?"
"I spoke to you nearly three years about having a child."
"Yes, yes you did." It felt like decades ago.
"As you know it didn't work out then but my desire to have a child has never gone away."
He nodded remembering the whole experience from the request, to the donation, to the hallucinations, to the tumor, to the dream. It was often fresh in his mind three years later and he had to actively push it away. "Still feels … I don't know … sudden. Out of the blue."
"Not really," she corrected. "Since we are now engaged in sexual relationship it's a topic that should be discussed in order to be responsible." She paused hoping he would say something but he was struck dumb. "I'm not suggesting that I want a baby now – or nine months from now. But I do want to have a baby and my child bearing years are rapidly decreasing."
"Ok?" He still didn't know how to respond. She wasn't really asking him a question.
She shot him a look. "If this relationship ... our relationship continues, is that something you would be amenable to? … Having a baby? … With me?"
He swallowed hard and stole several glances at her. "Yeah … sure … you know, sometime … someday … in the future... sure."
She seemed to be contented with that.
He wasn't but should have been. He ignored the voice in his head saying, 'Warning, can of worms ahead.' "Where did that come from?" he asked.
"I mentioned to you a week or so ago that once Angela's baby is born, I would be the only one without a child."
"Ok." He was waiting for the connection.
"You commented that once I saw Angela's baby that I would become pregnant because of a hormonal imbalance. That's not how it works."
"I'm aware of that and that's not quite what I said," he corrected but he really couldn't remember what he said or what he was thinking. "But why bring it up now if you aren't ready now?"
She studied him for a moment. She knew there would be resistance to her reasoning. She turned to look out the windshield. "Because you asked Hannah to marry you," she said flatly.
"AAAAAAAAAAAANT." He bleated like a buzzer on a game show. "Gonna have to get a ruling from the judges on that one." He shook his head trying to make light of it. "What does one have to do with another?"
"Hannah told me that she didn't want children. I'm sure she told you the same thing."
"So?"
"So you were prepared to marry and spend the rest of your life with someone who didn't want children."
Booth leapt ahead to the next part. "And by extension you thought I didn't want children," he concluded for her.
"I want to be honest, Booth."
"Back to the honesty thing, are we?"
"Yes." This conversation was not going the way she had planned. "If you are not interested in having children then our relationship is fated to end. And ..."
"And what? We should quit before we even get started?" She didn't answer but that was exactly what she was thinking; rather quit before any damage gets done. Booth scrambled for something to say. "I thought you didn't need a man to have a baby ... outside of the donation, of course."
"I said that, yes," she agreed. "And I felt that way at the time."
"But you don't anymore?"
"No," she said. "I've changed."
He snorted a laugh. "You can say that again."
"Did you not hear me? I've changed my opinion on the matter." He waved her off. "I bring this up now because it will have a bearing on our future. I wouldn't want there to be any misunderstandings like you had with Hannah."
"Enough with Hannah, Bones."
She felt scolded but continued to make her point. "I'm not looking for a donor, Booth." She shot him a look. "Not just a donor. I would like the biological father to be involved - with me and the child."
He ran a hand through his hair. "Wow, for a woman who hates change you're doing a complete one-eighty."
She paused for a moment. "I'm not suggesting that we have a child immediately."
"Well that's good," he said almost laughing. "Don't want to hire a sitter for our first date."
She didn't understand him. "In the interest of our future relations, whatever they might be, I want to be upfront so we don't have any misunderstandings between us." She left the last part implied. That she didn't want him to walk away from her when some misunderstanding between the came to light - like say a marriage proposal that was rejected because one of the parties had no intention of marrying.
Booth knew where she was coming from. Brennan has been the one who suffered the most from his 'misunderstanding' with Hannah; that is most after him and maybe Hannah, of course. But Brennan put herself in the way of that fall out. It was her choice to stand by him and take his anger that was often directed outward and since she was the only one standing there, she got it in spades. Further, to a certain degree she suffered from their misunderstanding two years ago, but she was no innocent victim in that scenario either. It took several months and a great deal of reflection - something Booth wasn't very good at - for Booth had to admit that in both cases he pushed an agenda of his and left no room for compromise - less so in Brennan's case. The words he said to Brennan that night - I need to move on - plagued him and pretty much painted him into a corner particularly after she posited the Maluku scheme. Move on. Bah. What a joke in light of recent events; the joke was on him.
"Alright," he relented. "I get it. No misunderstandings ... as much as anyone can agree to that." He reached over and took her hand. "Relationships are about compromise, Bones. We'll get there." He pressed her hand and smiled warmly at her. "Step by step, we will get there." He hoped that would be the end of it. How 'bout those Phillies, anyone?
She returned the smile but wasn't in agreement with his compromise statement. They were silent for a while as she considered what she wanted to say.
"I need you to explain something to me," she said after a long moment. She went on without waiting for the go ahead. "Compromise is a settlement of differences by mutual concessions. A concession is a point or position yielded."
"I know what compromise and concession mean, Bones," he grumbled in that way he does when he feels that she is talking down to him. "What's your point?"
"You say relationships are about compromise. What was the mutual concession Hannah made for you to yield your desire to have a child?"
Booth was floored. She was using some twisted super squint logic. She probably didn't know what point she was arguing.
"Or was it not a compromise? Are you ambivalent about having another child and will allow your indecisiveness to be swayed?" She paused, waiting for him to speak, but he didn't. Another idea struck her. "Or were you hoping that she would change her mind? Are you expecting that I will change mine - now that you have seen that I'm amenable to change?"
The conversation was spinning out of control. Booth pulled over to the side of the road, threw the vehicle in park and got out. She got out too. He walked a little way away and held his hand up indicating he did not want her to follow him. He turned and looked at her with his hands on his hips; clearly he was forming his rebuttal but to what. She waited.
He took a deep breath in and then let it out. This was going to be his life with her - he knew that. Brennan was not being any different than she always had been using logic and reason to work her way through any situation even situations that had little logic or reason about them. This was what he loved about her, he reminded himself. The fact that she was different from any other woman he had ever known and he liked that was freshly remembered. Most of the issues he had in relationships were when either the female or he got an idea in their head about the other and started making decisions based upon that interpretation.
"Is this wrong?" she asked. "Am I doing something wrong?"
"No ... no ... not at all." He smiled and shook his head. "It's just a little different having this kind of discussion at the beginning."
"We are hardly at the beginning, Booth. We have known each other for almost eight years. You know more about me than anyone else and I suspect I can say the same about you ... in most areas."
He nodded and his smile lit of his eyes. "In every way that counts, Bones." His smile faded. "That should get me a little trust then, don't you agree?"
She nodded by she didn't fully agree. "Up until two years ago I would have agreed with that one hundred percent. But as concerns a personal ... romantic ... sexual relationship between us, I believe that trust will need to be earned and tested for each of us."
"Really?"
"Yes." She swallowed hard. "I tend to remove myself when situations become too emotional. You have experienced that often in the past eight years starting with the fallout of our very first case."
He nodded. "Your flight response is very honed."
"Upon returning from Maluku I vowed not to do that anymore."
Booth was dying to ask why she didn't contact him in those seven months, but felt that that conversation would take them in a whole other direction. "And you have stuck by me with no regard for the injuries you were suffering even when I all but told you to go away."
She nodded and was grateful that he had acknowledged that. "You, on the other hand, tend to let things fester in your mind when you are making a decision. When you finally do speak there is no compromise or discussion. All or nothing."
That was a little unfair. He had to qualify that her remark. "In our case, I would not have chosen to go to Afghanistan if you did not go to Maluku." He paused. "And we would have remained partners, at your request."
"But you would have moved on," she pressed.
"It would have been more difficult to do that seeing you every day, but yes I would have. Given that you typically don't change your mind, I would have had to."
"I understand and appreciate my contribution to these last two years. I truly wished for your happiness and believed that you had found that with Hannah. I was happy for you."
His looked soften. "I know you were. It meant a great deal to me even if I didn't show that appropriately at times"
She paused and swallowed hard. "I loved you, Booth." He stepped toward her. "I loved you that night ... you know ... the night after Sweets -."
"I know the night."
"I loved you then and for a long time before that." She paused to control her emotions. "I truly meant what I said about protecting you. I knew you wanted more from a woman ... from me. More than I felt that I was capable of giving ... at the time. I'm still not sure I have all that you are seeking." Her eyes filled with tears. "I never wanted to hurt you. I know I did and for that I'm truly sorry it was never my intention. I have tried to be the best friend you could have hoped for."
He stepped toward her again. "You are, Bones. Don't -."
She stepped back. She didn't want to be comforted ... yet. "I will not remove myself, Booth." She glanced away briefly. "I will not run away from you or form this anymore or from situations that are extremely emotional that I don't know how to manage." She looked down again. "That is the most I can promise and be certain that I will not fail."
He smiled. "That's enough for me, Bones." He too needed to promise something. "I will not let things fester. I'll be open with my ... fee - with what I am thinking and not make assumptions about what you are thinking?"
"If we were more communicative, that would be enough."
"With everything else we have going for us that will be all that we need." He closed the distance between them and wrapped her up in an embrace. She was not going to be an easy lover, but she was going to be worth it. He pushed her back, smoothed her bangs to the side and kissed her.
She held on to him for a long moment grateful for the safety of his embrace and the sound of his beating heart. She was not exactly sure what was resolved on, but it felt like enough for the morning. "We need to get back on the road."
He laughed. "We do ... how about we play a different game on the rest of the way."
"Different game?"
"Yeah ... how about the alphabet game. Do the alphabet in the license plates we pass."
"Booth we haven't passed another vehicle since we got on this road."
"So it will be a slow game." He led her back to the SUV and opened her door for her. He walked around the front feeling closer to her but not like anything had been resolved. A baby, huh? I little Bones baby and Booth daddy. Nice. Really nice. In a year or two. He had always wanted another chance to have a kid and he promised himself that if he ever did, he would do it the right way - marriage first, no surprises. The right way.
He pulled the vehicle back on the road and tried to make up some of the time they had lost. Something occurred to him. The first time they were together, there was no protection used. The second time it was a condom. Was she on some kind of birth control? He stole a look at her. She smiled back. Should he ask? What were the odds that she wasn't? She was an adult responsible woman, not some dumb kid in the back of a VW Beetle. Didn't matter anyway. What were the odds that it would happen the very first time? He stole another look at her. He considered their open communication agreement that was not three minutes old. He tabled it until they had more time.
"How about a banana, Bones?"
"Sure."
x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x x|x
A/N: Happy Fourth of July Everyone!