THE NEXT MORNING
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"I have wonderful news, everybody!" Keigo shouted, pounding his fists on the teacher's desk.
"Uh, what is it?" Tatsuki asked warily. The last time Keigo told her that he had "wonderful news" was when they were at a waterpark. He was shouting excitedly about how some "cool, hip-looking older guys" gave him their unwanted alcoholic beverage. Three minutes later, he had vomited all over her legs on the 'Super Splashy Fall of Death' ride. She was still bitter.
"Well, Tatsuki-chan! As a class … wewillputonaplay and THEN WE WIN A FABULOUS PRIZE!" he answered, hoping his cleverness would pay off and no one would question him.
Unfortunately, then the shouting began.
"What?" Ichigo yelled. "You seriously said that we're putting on a play? As a class?"
"And winning a fabulous prize!" Keigo corrected him. "You forgot that part."
"How did this happen, Keigo?" Tatsuki asked, suspicious.
"…Er." His mind blanked. How could he not have foreseen this question? No doubt, many of his classmates would take a while to warm up to the fine arts, so, acting selflessly, he had quite loudly insisted to the theater director that the next school play would be performed by HIS wonderful class and taken care of by HIM. But how could he explain this to such an excitable group?
"The theater director informed me that we had no choice," he finally said. Thankfully, no one seemed to question him further.
"Bad luck," Renji said, shaking his head.
"But don't worry!" Keigo assured everyone. "I have this completely figured out, top to bottom! I will do everything I can for my classmates!"
"I can help write it," Shuuhei raised his hand and offered helpfully. What an opportunity this could be! How long had it been since he'd had such a chance to write? This would look fabulous on his resume.
"You should include lots of sex scenes so it doesn't get boring," Rangiku suggested.
"What's the play?" Ichigo asked.
"ONLY THE BEST ONE EVER!" Keigo shouted, unable to contain his excitement.
"And explosions, alcohol … cute animals, like red pandas … " Rangiku continued to list off thoughtfully. "Otherwise it'll bore everyone to tears."
"So, like, uhhh … " Shuuhei had to think for a minute. "You want porn in a bar at the zoo while bombs are being dropped..?"
"Yes, that's what I want-"
Fearing he was losing control over the classroom, Keigo quickly cut in. "- There is romance, drama, passion, heartbreak, crying, love, laughing, EVERYTHING! Oh, and romance, too," he added, and then waited for it to sink into Ichigo's unloving, unmoved, shriveled heart.
"… So what's the play?" Ichigo repeated.
Keigo smiled so broadly that his cheeks still hurt the next morning. "HADES AND PERSEPHONE!" he announced joyfully. "What do you think, my best friends? Grimmjow! Share your thoughts!"
Grimmjow yawned loudly, having been woken up from his nap by Keigo's shouting. "Plays are fuckin' faggy."
"Grimmjow," Hinamori whispered to him. "Take this. Take a role and you will get full marks for good behavior for the next two days, I promise."
He looked bored and then began cracking his pencils in half, smiling evilly at the sharpest-looking points.
"I'll buy you a bottle of sake," she rushed. Anything.
At that, he looked mildly interested. "Fine. But if you give me some sissy bitch role-"
"You can be Heracles!" Keigo interrupted.
"Who's that?"
Keigo's eyes were shining. "Heracles is the greatest, most majestic, manliest warrior of all time! His feats are legendary and have been passed down for thousands of years! There has never been a stronger man than Heracles! You, as my best friend, would be perfect for the part!"
Grimmjow casually flicked one of the pencil halves and watched as it penetrated a good four inches into the wall. "What-the-fuck-ever."
Orihime raised her hand.
"Yes, Orihime-chan?"
"I would love that part as well, Keigo-kun!" she said happily.
"I want it, too!"
"T-Tatsuki-chan? You, too?"
Renji raised his hand as well. Before waiting to be called on (the one part of the equation he hadn't yet mastered), he spoke. "I want it. And sorry, but girls can't play a guy. Not even macho, flat-chested chicks." He smiled to himself, satisfied and pretended to ignore the sparks of red-hot anger emanating from said macho, flat-chested chick sitting behind him.
Through the ensuing din of flying desks and chairs and awful, mean-spirited shouting (oh, how it distressed him so!), Keigo noticed that Ichigo had also raised his hand.
"Ahh, Ichigo! You want the part as well?" If Keigo were as open and straightforward with his feelings as, say, Tatuski-chan, he would cry and tug at his hair at the frustration of it all. All of this stress and clattering and noise was unbearable!
"No! And stop bawling and pulling your hair!" Ichigo shouted. "I just wanted to ask, what the hell does Heracles have to do with the story of Hades and Persephone? He's not in it! At all!"
"Cram your shit, Kurosaki," said Grimmjow. "You don't always have to be a whiny pussy."
"Artistic license, Kurosaki," Ishida pointed out.
Keigo blew his nose in his hanky. His blue-haired best friend had come to his rescue, just like a true Greek hero would! "Then it is decided!" he yelled. "The part of Heracles will be played by Grimmjow!"
Ichigo made a strangled sound and looked over to Rukia, who was busy coloring a picture of something that appeared to be a bear or a raccoon or maybe even a whale. "Like I care," she said and then casually ducked as a chair flew over her head. ("Idiot pineapple-haired loser!") Clearly, she would offer no support.
Keigo pound his fist on the front desk. "Order! I need order!" He then turned to the blackboard and began writing.
"Don't Abarai-kun and Tatsuki-chan bring out each other's lively sides?" Orihime said happily to Ulquiorra.
He gave her a peculiar look and paused for a minute before answering. "'Lively' is a misnomer," he said flatly, watching as Grimmjow delivered a sharp kick to Renji's back that catapulted him back into his chair.
Keigo spun around dramatically from the blackboard and looked touched by Grimmjow's 'help'. "You!" He pointed at Grimmjow. "Are truly my best friend!"
"I don't fucking care."
"Now!" Keigo continued. "We must work together as a class to assign the proper roles!" Written on the board were the names of assorted Greek gods and goddesses. After 'Heracles' was written 'Grimmjow'. (To be more precise, Keigo had written 'GRIMMJOW JAGERJAQUES!' with little sparks and fireworks drawn around it.)
"As I have said, this is the myth of Hades and Persephone!" ("And Heracles," muttered Ichigo under his breath, but no one cared.) "Therefore, we must assign them first! Any nominations for the role of Persephone?" Keigo's eager eyes were shining brilliantly. "She's the young, beautiful, happy maiden goddess who runs around painting flowers and capturing the heart of Hades!"
After a minute of silence, Orihime's hand was first in the air. "I nominate Tatsuki-chan!"
Renji laughed loudly.
"Eh, I don't want it!" said Tatsuki, reminding herself to stay Zen and not clobber his face. "So I nominate Orihime-chan!"
"Yes! Yes!" Keigo was nodding vigorously. "Orihime-chan would be perfect! Congratulations, Orihime-chan! You are our Persephone!" He applauded enthusiastically.
Tatsuki pat her best friend on the back and whispered, "I can't wait to see your costume!" To herself, she promised, 'We're gonna have them make it totally sexy.'
"Now then!" Keigo continued. "What about our leading man, Hades? He's dark and serious and gloomy and surrounded by dead guys and throws the most awful parties, but he's not that bad! Nominations?"
Again, there was silence.
Keigo began to grow nervous. Being the popular guy that he was, it was almost impossible for him to count the number of best friends he had. But he had to say, Orihime-chan was one of his closest and most favorite best friends. Therefore, he needed someone trustworthy and honorable to play Hades. No one was going to take advantage of the delicate and lovely Orihime-chan! Not on his watch!
Chizuru rubbed her hands together evilly. Finally, an opportunity to work closely with Orihime! They'd memorize their lines together and then she could see how perfect she and Ichigo would be together, and then Ulquiorra would notice how dutifully Chizuru memorized her lines and then … then … Standing up, Chizuru announced, "I will! I will play Orihime-chan's husba-"
"NO, CHIZURU-CHAN! ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Keigo screamed. He would NOT trust her! "We need someone surly and unpleasant to be around! I know! Ichigo!"
"W-what?" Ichigo was startled. Him? Playing Hades? He looked to Rukia for guidance and she ignored him, as she was too busy sorting her candy-coated, Chappy-shaped chocolate candies into happy, color-coordinated families to care.
Before Ichigo could answer, Keigo interrupted him. "No, I take it back! Your orange hair is too bright and cheerful to belong to a death god! No one would take you seriously! And I want historical accuracy here! But no one is contributing any nominations, so be quiet and let me think; I must be thoughtful for a minute."
Nel settled her face down on her desk and prepared to nap, and Keigo stole glances at her until he remembered what he was supposed to be thinking about. Orihime was wondering what Ichigo would look like as the death god, Hades, and eventually wound up contemplating whether or not dead people would be slimy to the touch. How many showers would you have to take each day, if you were ruler of the dead? Would your food get all slimy? Grimmjow was folding an origami sword. Rukia was solemnly asking herself whether or not she could bear to eat those darling, chappy-shaped candies. (She could.) Renji was studying the rapidly-forming bruises on his arm and muttering how he was going to win next time. Tatsuki made a face at him, and he flicked her off. Rangiku and the teacher were deeply absorbed in the women's magazine, and debating quietly whether or not these tips would really work on a man. And through it all, Keigo kept his eyes closed and a hand stroking his chin, thoughtfully. This was his "thinking pose" and he would not emerge from it until he had come to a solution.
Finally, Keigo spoke. "I have come to a conclusion! I have decided all the parts. We do not need to vote, because they will be perfect, I can assure you! Ulquiorra, my best friend!"
"…What?"
"I enjoy your company immensely and I find you to be an amazing best friend! You are a wonderful person, Ulquiorra!" Keigo had to wipe his eyes. He felt as though a tidal wave of emotion was crashing into and reshaping the shoreline his heart, depositing little shells of good will and generosity. It was time for him to give back to the world!
Ulquiorra felt mildly uncomfortable. "…And?" he asked, hoping that there was a point and that this wasn't another one of Keigo's emotional outbursts.
"And so," Keigo continued, "I want you to know that you are nothing like your character! I do not want the fact that I have cast you as the ruler of the dead, Hades, to depress you! I have done this out of confidence, Ulquiorra! I know that you will rip our hearts to shreds with your acting! Combined with my script, of course!" he added with a wink.
Ichigo wanted to rip his hair out. Of course Keigo would be writing the script to this. Of. Course. Breathe in, breathe out.
"I see," Ulquiorra said slowly. Keigo's large, hopeful eyes were watching him intently. Obviously, he was expecting more of a reaction. Ulquiorra recalled the list of superlatives Orihime had made for him to use in conversations and narrowed in on one: "… I find this development to be … delightful."
Keigo's eyes shimmered and glittered with unspilled tears.
Orihime reached over and lightly tapped Ulquiorra's shoulder. "This will work out nicely, Ulquiorra-kun! We can practice and learn our lines together!"
He nodded. Memorizing a script would be easy. He was excellent at following orders. This would be simple and prevent him from receiving poor marks. He would not be placed back in jail.
Keigo pointed at Rukia next. "Rukia-chan!" he said. "You shall be … Queen Hera! Queen of all the Greek gods! The husband of the mighty Zeus, who cowers under your will and might! You have this man wrapped around your pinky! He is whipped, Rukia-chan! Completely whipped!"
She nodded. "Yes, I think this is an appropriate part. Who will be my husband?"
"There was only one option! The one with hair the color of the rising and setting sun is the only logical choice to portray the king of the sky: Kurosaki Ichigo, of course!" Keigo looked immensely pleased with himself.
Rukia closed her eyes and nodded again. "All right."
"W-what?" shouted Ichigo. "I'm her h-hus-… She's my wi-w-wi- COME ON, KEIGO!"
Keigo ignored him. "Moving on! The part of Persephone's mother, Demeter, will be played by … Tatsuki-chan!"
"Okay," Tatsuki said and shrugged. Fine by her.
"Hinamori-chan!" Keigo announced joyfully. "You have a part, as well!"
Hinamori binked. A role in a play? This would be … new. Supposedly, the number one human fear was public speaking, rather than the more-expected response of death. She'd already experienced them both. Hopefully it wasn't too large a part…
"You," Keigo shouted, pointing at her, "will be Charon, the ferry-person of the underworld and Hades' best friend!"
"Oh," she smiled rather nervously. "Thank you, Keigo-kun."
"I suppose I shall be supplying the costumes," Ishida assumed.
"A-and, Nel-chan …" Keigo suddenly became uncharacteristically shy. One hand was scratching the back of his neck and the other was using the chalk to doodle on the desk. His posture was uncertain; his foot seemed to be trying to dig a hole in the floor and he refused to meet anyone's eye.
"Ahh, my part!" exclaimed Nel. She smiled. "What's my part, Keigo-san?"
"Eep!" She was looking. Right. At. Him. He had not prepared in advance a suave, manly response to such an unexpected action on her part! He looked at Tatsuki and begged her with his eyes: What do I do?
Tatsuki rolled her eyes. She remembered their "role-playing" that morning.
'P-pretend you're Nel-chan!' he had instructed her. 'Say hi to me!'
…This was so stupid. Did she really need to copy his math homework that much? Eh, whatever. '…Hi, Keigo.'
'I-er, that is, ummmm…" He looked lost. "We need to try again, Tatsuki-chan! We will work until we get it right!'
Keigo was never going to get laid, Tatsuki decided.
He swallowed audibly. Nel was waiting politely for him to finish his statement. "N-Nel-chan will be portraying Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty. I-I mean, that is, if you want that part…?" He trailed off and looked at her nervously.
She nodded eagerly. "Yes, it sounds like a great part, Keigo-kun!"
He nearly swooned at the mention of his name. "Class dismissed!" He said dreamily. "Everyone who has a part, I'll deliver you your scripts later. Bye!" And with that, he walked into the wall.
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Renji was unhappy.
"Look at this!" he stated to the rest of the group that was lounging on the school lawn with him. "I only have four lines! This is ridiculous!"
"Yeah," responded Ichigo as he flipped through the script, "Same here. We should be thankful…"
Renji snorted. "Yeah, whatever. But it's stupid, since all my lines are with her." He nodded in the direction of Tatsuki and Orihime in the distance. They were on all fours and seemed to be searching for something on the ground. Several boys walked by and stopped to wolf-whistle appreciatively, prompting Tatsuki to yell something incomprehensible and throw rocks at them.
Renji shook his head and shifted, trying to find the most comfortable position against the tree. He closed his eyes. "I don't understand what Orihime sees in that idiot friend of hers."
Ichigo ignored him.
Nel was lying on the ground, leisurely flipping through her script. "Keigo-kun sure included a lot of romance."
"Really?" Rukia wanted to know. "Hey, Ichigo. Think we're going to have any romantic scenes?"
"Mild domination and submission themes, but no bondage," Nel continued, mildly disappointed.
"Wh-what?" Ichigo was mortified at what Rukia and Nel had both said. "No! Absolutely not!" Keigo wouldn't do that to him, would he? (…Yes, of course he would.) Ichigo tore through the pages like a hurricane, looking for any scenes that would even slightly imply romance between him and Rukia. The fact that they would be portrayed as married and that his father – God, anyone but his father – would be in the audience was enough to make him contemplate running away to Antarctica forever.
Okay, that was an extreme reaction. It wasn't that bad. Whatever. He could do this. Hell, it might even be some fun.
"Oh, by the way," Rukia added, "nii-san said that he was going to stop by with several other captains. This is an opportunity they do not want to miss."
Oh, for the love of-
"Urahara-san just texted me, saying that him, Yorouchi and Tessai are all looking forward to this play." Renji shook his head. "How the shit did he find out…?" he muttered.
Then he heard Ishida speak. "Stand up, Kurosaki. I must take your measurements in order to create your costume."
Antarctica was not far enough, Ichigo decided. It was time to start looking for other hospitable planets.
"W-what kind of costume are you making?"
"What? Are you doubting me, Kurosaki? Should I have you make your own?" Seemingly out of nowhere, Ishida had produced a measuring tape, a pen and a notepad. "Now then, stand straight with your legs spread."
"HA!" Renji was pointing and laughing. "Look at the little bitch Kurosaki! 'Stand straight with your legs spread! I bet that excites yo- OW! What the FUCK?"
"Shut it, Abarai. It was a tap to the head. You'll recover." Tatsuki had snuck up on him, apparently. "Anyway, you're the one who seems all excited here. Sicko." She shook her head in mock-pity. "Oi, Ishida. I can't stick around too long; measure me first, alright?"
Ishida looked rather bothered by this whole display, but he acquiesced. "Fine, come over here. A-and, ummm, stand straight with legs spread and arms out."
She smirked at Renji. "What, no clever comment? Silence suits you, Abarai. Your face looks far less stupid when you're not talking."
Renji could only gape at her, appalled, as Ishida took her measurements. If he were a rake, he'd make some sort of comment about how this would probably be the first and only time a boy would ever touch her, so she should enjoy it while she could. Yeah, that would show her. He probably would have said it, too, except that Ishida was now measuring her bust and – an awful coincidence, really – just then Renji's mind went blank.
"Bust …. 36 …" Ishida muttered to himself while jotting it down in his notebook.
"No, make it a 34," Nel suggested. "I don't want boring costumes."
"W-what? No, that's not right, that'd be too tigh-"
"Nel's right! Damn right it'd be too tight! That's the point, Ishida! You think that just because I'm portraying a mother, that I don't have any sex appeal?"
Renji opened his mouth just as Tatsuki wheeled around and sharply poked his chest. "Shut it! Your so-called 'wit' isn't needed here!"
She turned around to face Ishida again. "Where was I? Ah, that's right! So you heard me! I want this costume short, tight and sexy! In fact, you made a great point! 34 would be a joke! Bust size is now recorded as 32!"
She looked very proud of herself.
Nel sat up and raised her hand. "Me too, Ishida-kun. I would like a costume like that! Make mine a 32, as well."
"I, uh - a 32? On you?" Ishida was appalled and embarrassed, his face as red as a beet.
Rukia, sensing where the wind was blowing, chimed in, as well. "Yes." She nodded. "I also will be requesting one of these garments for myself."
Ishida had to sit down for several minutes to organize his mind and stop these embarrassing thoughts racing through his head. Finally, he spoke. "Well, I-I, errr … this will be a, err, different sort of challenge than I normally face, yes, b-but I suppose I can g-go along with your wishes." He walked away, quickly and on rather shaky footing.
Tatsuki and Nel were beaming at each other. Rukia had the rather obliviously self-satisfied expression of someone had no idea what they had just agreed to but didn't really care, anyways.
Renji and Ichigo tried to not look at anything. They made eye contact once, and they hastily looked away and tried to focus on the ground and not think about this stupid play anymore.
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this chapter is dedicated to Keigo and his return.
^ spoiler alert.
author's notes: here's where the reeeeeal crackiness starts. the closest thing to the plot this fic will have: A PLAY. Ulquiorra as Hades and Orihime as Persephone. (For obvious reasons.) Written by Keigo. i have A LOT of this written and i had faaaaar too much fun with it.
REVIEW OR I WON'T UPDATE EVER AGAIN and then you'll never know how the play goes