:: Lose Yourself ::

Kingdom Hearts

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts; rights go to Squaresoft and Disney. The plot is somewhat based off the book called The Voice in the Night by Dean Koontz.

Rating: R

Pairings: Riku+Sora, Sora/Kairi, Riku/Sora

Warnings: AU, suspense, horror, yaoi, adult situations, blood, murder, character death, language, multiple freaky things

Notes: This chapter took a LONG time to write, which was muchly frustrating. A lot of unpleasant stuff happened while writing the chapter, but nothing changed from the original plan. Which is good. ^^

Anyway, you can list "animal cruelty" under "multiple freaky things" now. If you like rodents, you may not want to read this chapter. ^^ Have fun! Constructive criticism muchly encouraged!

Chapter Six

Trials

Sora had been in his room since dinner, gazing at the ceiling with blank eyes, fearing the night that was to come.

The past week had passed by fairly uneventfully. Fairly. The most exciting thing that had happened was that he'd constantly caught Riku making Kairi that much more nervous through sheer false kindness; the redhead girl was so jumpy now, always seeking Sora out; to protect him, most likely. She knew nothing of Riku's sneaking up to see Sora occasionally. He could do it as often as he wanted, really, invite himself into Sora's room in the middle of the night. His parents never cared where he was or where he went, so the brunette had found out recently. And Sora's mom rarely found out. On the occasion she did, she asked no questions, and when Sora asked her why in private, she said it didn't bother her because Riku was like family. Sora remembered slapping his forehead, and her giving him an odd look.

All right, so maybe there was a bit more stress in his life than he wanted to realize.

He kept glancing down at his left hand. A long scab was there, marking where Riku had cut him. It was slowly peeling away, giving way to the flesh that tried to replace it. Unfortunately, it wasn't healing fast enough. Just a glance, even from the corner of his eye, reminded Sora of that afternoon in the Secret Place, being pressed against the wall, the sharp blade against his arm, Riku's warm breath washing over his face...

Sora shook his head slightly, fingering the red mark. The worst part of all (or was it really that bad?) was that he found himself irresistibly drawn to his best friend. Not just for the physical pleasure, but the strange thrill that Riku carried as he talked and raved of murder and death as though it were as precious as life.

One glance at his bedside clock told him it was time. Sora opened his bedroom window and clambered outside, trying not to make a sound. He was barefoot as he ran across the cool ground, white sand baring imprints of his feet. He noticed another pair of footsteps halfway to the Secret Place. Judging by their size, Riku was already there. There was no sign of Kairi so far.

That'd be just great, Sora grumbled to himself, knocking aside vines that tried to hide the entrance. To be stuck alone with him before she comes. The old Riku may never have done it, but there was no doubt the Riku now wouldn't have any problems with having some 'fun' with Sora before Kairi showed up. He might even possibly drag it out, intending for her to catch them.

He was surprised to see flickering light at the end of the tunnel, the signal of a fire having been started. Did he start already?

When Sora entered the gut of the cave, he saw that the candles had already been set up. All were lit. Riku was just finishing pouring the last of the lighter fluid into the circle. He didn't look up; though Sora was positive he'd heard the brunette coming.

Riku tossed the can away carelessly. He glanced up, smiling briefly. "Make sure she doesn't find the pictures."

Sora nodded slowly.

Almost as if it were her cue, Kairi stepped in, smiling. "Sorry. Am I late?"

"Just on time," Riku said with too much cheer. He strode forward and grabbed her wrist, easily pulling her smaller body toward the circle.

With a sense of dread overcoming him, Sora also stepped forward, eyeing Kairi, trying to assure her she would be fine. "Now what?" he asked.

"Now we need a torch," replied Riku. He gestured to a stick that had been propped up against the wall; one end was slightly damp. "Go on. Light one."

Sora complied, grabbing the stick and waving it cautiously over a candle. His back was to Kairi, and he was as far away from his friends as possible. The end of the stick erupted in roaring flames. He heard Kairi make a small, frightened noise. Sora turned back to them, the stick held cautiously in the air.

Riku nodded. "Good; that's fine." His grip on Kairi's wrist tightened, and he held her hand over the circle, her palm facing the ceiling. "Don't squirm," he said impatiently, pulling out his pocketknife. Sora's gaze was fixed on it, though he dimly realized he should have been watching Riku's expression instead. It was the very same knife Riku had cut him with.

"It'll just hurt for a little bit," Riku assured her, laying the flat side of the blade on the redhead's palm.

Sora instantly started. For a little bit? How long is a little bit?

Kairi's eyes expressed the same doubt. She drew her lower lip between her teeth, not even trying to be brave. The knife seemed to terrify her, and for once Sora couldn't blame her.

Quick as a flash, Riku pulled the sharp blade over her flesh. Kairi jumped, looking only mildly surprised, before she stared in horror at the huge gash in her hand. Blood oozed out, free of its prison. She screamed.

Riku glared, jerking her back when she tried to bolt. "Hold still," he snarled, forcing her hand over the circle. He was stronger than her and did it easily, two fingers pressing into her hand to make more blood fall. Kairi's other hand was clamped over her mouth, her blue eyes wide in pure terror. She muffled another scream, but didn't try to run as she had before.

Sora's hand clenched on the stick; his arm trembled. "Isn't that enough?" he asked thinly. Riku didn't answer. "Riku, you said she would bleed the least! You cut too deep! Stop it!"

The silver-haired teen looked up, smirking. "I also said girl's blood was precious to the offering."

"You also said the oldest!"

"This way just guarantees it."

Sora swore, starting forward. "Riku, she's lost enough! Stop it!"

Kairi was pale; trembling; she looked sick. Tears slipped from her terror-stricken eyes, and she whimpered softly. The knuckles of Riku's hand were white, portraying just how much of his strength he was using on the girl.

"Damn it, Riku!" Sora cried in a voice higher than usual.

Riku paused, and then slowly released Kairi's hand. She stumbled backward, falling to the dirt floor. She pressed her vermilion-stained hand to her breast, trying to stop the blood, sobbing softly.

Sora dropped the torch, rushing to Kairi's side. He heard it clatter, and heard Riku calmly set the circle on fire. Suddenly heat blazed behind his back, making Kairi's tears shimmer. She looked so frightened, as though she'd just woken up from a nightmare. Sora shuddered and pulled her hand away from her shirt. He instantly went to work, desperately ripping his sleeve with his teeth to wrap the wound.

When he was done, Sora pulled Kairi into a protective hug. She clung to him, but he had to push her away to glare at his best friend. "You said just a little blood!" he accused. "You could have killed her!"

Riku flashed them both a not so assuring smile. "Believe me; it'd take more than that to kill her."

Kairi clutched Sora's shirt, burying her face in his shoulder. Sora shook his head, cursing beneath his breath.

In the crackling fire, Riku's face was highlighted and shadowed oddly. He looked like a savage demon, especially with that smile plastered to his face. His canines looked longer; the teeth glowed eerily orange, as did his eyes, which were narrowed to slits in obvious anger. There was no doubt he would have killed Kairi. The only question was... why hadn't he?

Sora didn't dare ask now, but he surely would later.

Shortly telling his friend that they were going home, Sora led Kairi out of the Secret Place. She was mute the entire time, shivering, looking like a frightened animal that had narrowly escaped death. Part of Sora wanted to hold her, to assure her everything would be all right... but how could he anymore? He felt horrible.

He stayed with her for a while, nearly half an hour, just sitting beside her outside on the porch. Kairi kept toying nervously with the end of her skirt. She looked as though she wanted to ask something, but always backed out.

Finally, she took his hand. "Be careful."

"Good night," he replied softly, not meeting her eyes.

Kairi wiped her eyes and stood. Sora sat still; emotionless; he didn't move again until he heard the front door shut firmly. Then he stood and fairly fled, running as fast away as his feet could carry him. He kicked up sand highlighted by the moon's white face; his lungs heaved as he sprinted as fast as he possibly could for the Secret Place.

He scrambled inside and skidded to a halt, panting, not surprised to see that Riku hadn't left. He was still feeding the fire, prodding it gently with a water-dampened stick.

He didn't look up, but he did smile strangely. "Welcome back."

Sora shook his head, unable to find words until he caught his breath again. Finally, he did manage to gulp in enough air to say, "What the hell were you trying to pull?"

Riku shook his head. "I wouldn't have killed her."

"Liar."

"Not tonight," Riku continued, as though he hadn't spoken. Finally he looked up and locked eyes with the brunette. "I was going to, but changed my mind. I had a better idea. So I just shook her up a little."

Sora glared. "Bastard."

"Close enough," Riku agreed, gesturing. "Come on over. It'll get cold if you're not near the fire."

"I'm going home," the brunette said stiffly.

"Suit yourself." He didn't sound upset, or regretful; simply acknowledging, with a slight nod and a faint smile that was tinged with madness. Sora hurried out as fast as possible.

Sora had to admit, he was starting to get suspicious when nothing out of the ordinary happened for a couple days. Well, ordinary by the standards that had been set over two weeks ago, before his life had started spinning out of control.

Thinking back, he wondered if it had been out of control ever since Riku started killing. For six years, then? That was a horribly long time.

Kairi was unusually jumpy and nervous, alarming a few kids, but only Sora and Riku understood why. Riku seemed to be enjoying it. He acted as though the two were the best friends a guy could have, and no one else seemed to notice the cold gleam in his eye when he looked at Kairi.

However, at the moment, it was just the two of them and Selphie. Selphie was chattering animatedly, and Kairi did her best to listen, smile, and chatter back. Her efforts were strained, but the other girl didn't seem to notice. Sora only half listened, and the rest of the time his eyes were wandering. He saw the ocean rolling in toward them, attempting to tickle their toes with salty water. He saw Wakka helping Tidus adjust to fighting with the sandy-haired boy's left hand. Wakka knew little about fighting with objects like poles and wooden swords and the like, but he did try, and it was touching to see him acting like a big brother.

However, this time, Sora couldn't bring himself to smile. So he just watched, only partially aware of his surroundings.

He started when Kairi leaned against him, sighing softly as though she were exhausted. He felt the slightest twinge of guilt, accompanied by a strange mixture of annoyance and reluctance. He edged away, not meeting her eyes when she looked at him in question.

What was wrong with him? A slow headache was beginning to build behind his eyes. Sora shook his head, rubbing harshly at his eyelids, and inwardly cringing as he heard a voice call him.

Jesus Christ, he thought. I can't believe I have to deal with this...

Something hard knocked him on the back of his head; a rock. After he yelped in pain and turned to see who had thrown it, rubbing the sore spot, Sora heard Riku say, "What the hell's wrong with you? You're so spacey."

"Hi, Riku," Selphie said cheerfully.

Riku nodded once in acknowledgement then returned to Sora. "I want you to come over for a while."

Sora frowned. "Why?"

Riku shrugged. "Why not? Just to hang out. You can afford to spend an afternoon with your best friend, can't you?"

Neither boy noticed Kairi's darkening expression. She was angry at being so bluntly ignored, but she said nothing out of sheer terror. Sora couldn't blame her, though part of him wished she'd stand up to Riku. She only seemed to do it when it was the most stupid, and never endangered herself simply because she knew she couldn't fight him back. Sora wished she would try.

Fanciful thinking, but he really did wish it.

"Sure," he agreed amiably, getting to his feet and dusting off the back of his shorts. He turned to the girls, flashing a brief smile. "I'll see you guys later."

"Okay, have fun," said Selphie cheerfully, waving them goodbye. Kairi said nothing, and Sora knew she would be no help. He turned and followed his best friend.

Sora wasn't surprised to learn Riku's parents weren't home. He half expected Riku to jump him the moment the door shut, but the silver-haired youth didn't do any such thing. Instead he went straight for the kitchen, very casual, asking if Sora wanted a drink. Sora was startled and suspicious, but he accepted.

"Why did you really want me to come over?" he asked quietly after Riku had given him a canned root beer.

His friend gave him an odd look. "Just to hang out. I hardly get to see you anymore."

Sora almost said, "Bullshit," but reflected quickly and shut his mouth; he did still tend to spend a lot more time with Kairi than Riku. He decided not to say that it was because they were a huge comfort to each other.

Riku pushed himself away from the kitchen counter, grinning, tilting his head to the side. "So, what should we do now?"

"I dunno. You dragged me here."

His friend raised an eyebrow, opening his mouth to answer, but a muffled snap! from another room caused them both to fall abruptly silent.

"What was that?" Sora finally asked, almost afraid to find out.

Riku smiled a strange, wicked smile. "Come and see," was all he said. Unease made his stomach coil and uncoil viciously, but Sora put down the soda and obliged. He followed his best friend to the back of the house. There was a door held shut with a chair. Riku moved it out of the way and opened the door, flicking on a light switch. A dull yellow blossomed down the stairs, and he went down without a word. Sora did likewise.

Sora had never been down in Riku's basement before; honestly, he'd never really paid attention to if they had one or not. It smelled musty, and a thin layer of dust covered nearly everything, as though it hadn't been disturbed in weeks. Boxes were all over the place, most empty and folded, a few with labels and items hanging from the ragged sides. Sora noted one with Riku's name on it, saw that some pale, moldy cloth was poking out from a corner of the box.

The floor showed marks that someone had clearly been here recently. Riku followed these marks, and Sora noted several much smaller ones scattered in random places.

"Um... d'you have rats or something?"

"Close. Mice."

"Really?"

"Yup." Riku made his way to a corner the weak light barely touched upon. "Damned place is infested with 'em. Mom refuses to do anything about it, and the old man's too lazy to do anything himself. Poor bastard." His voice was flat, carrying no sympathetic tones.

Sora watched as his friend knelt in the corner. He could hear loud squeaks, but he ignored them. "You don't get along with your parents well, do you?"

"We have our disagreements," Riku agreed evasively, turning back to him and getting to his feet. Dust tickled the brunette's nose, but not enough to make him sneeze. The high-pitched squeals continued, and Sora finally took note of the squirming rodent in his friend's hand. He frowned.

"Um... what're we gonna do with that?"

Riku pretended not to hear the question. "I came down and set up mouse traps the other night. I thought this would come in handy, I just didn't think it would work so soon."

"That's great," Sora said impatiently. "So now what?"

"You're going to kill it."

Sora blinked, allowing a few moments for the bizarre statement to sink in. Finally, he said softly, "What?"

Riku smiled; the flicker of madness was back in his features. He squeezed the mouse gently, eliciting more inhuman squeaks and squeals. "You're going to take the damned thing and snap its neck, is what I'm saying."

The brunette shook his head. "Wait, but... why?"

The elder of the two continued to smile patiently. "If I asked you to kill a person, would you do it?"

"No!"

"Exactly. So we'll start small." Without warning, Riku grabbed the smaller boy's hand and forced the struggling rodent into his grip. Sora ended up with the mouse in both hands, his fingers curled beneath its kicking legs. Its tail lashed as his chest, but in futile effort. His thumbs were at the base of its neck, ready to apply pressure and snap its weak bones. Sora was beginning to feel queasy.

"I don't want to," he whispered faintly.

"Sure, you do. You want to snap the bastard's neck and hear that satisfying crunch."

Sora shook his head, but kept his grip firmly on the near-rabid creature. "No..."

Riku sighed, folding his arms over his chest. "It's easy. Just snap it. It's going to be a damn pain anyway; since it just helps the others reproduce like bunnies. So kill it for me."

Sora didn't answer, but he didn't release the mouse either.

"Go on."

He shook his head weakly.

"Do it."

Sora hesitated.

"For Christ's sake, just do it!"

Almost as though they had a will of their own, Sora's thumbs slowly began to apply pressure. He watched, horribly fascinated, held by wonder and awe and fear all at once. But when the mouse's squeals reached his ears, he winced and assuaged the pressure.

"I... I can't..." he stammered.

He heard Riku growl softly. "For fuck's sake," the older teen hissed, and then Sora's hands were grabbed. Before he could protest, the older boy fairly slammed his hand over Sora's thumbs. The mouse emitted one final squeak, cut short by a loud, sickening crack. Sora stared at the dead animal, feeling it twitch a bit before it finally stopped moving altogether. It had only taken a second, maybe two, but to him it seemed like minutes.

"Shit," he whispered faintly, the ends of his nerves tingling horribly.

Riku's hands didn't leave his own, nearly covering the poor animal. Finally, almost reluctantly, they slid away. "See?" he said. "Was that so hard?"

Sora just stared at the mouse's broken neck, mesmerized by the sheer fact no bones could truly bend that way without being broken.

He almost didn't hear Riku talking. "However, it's not enough. You're going to have to do it by yourself next time."

Sora glanced up, brown hair falling in his eyes. "By myself?" he asked thinly, realizing that a fine tremor had taken over his body.

Riku stepped forward, wrenching the tiny corpse from the smaller boy's hand and tossing it aside carelessly. There was a sick, barely audible thud and then his hand on Sora's face, cupping his cheek, bringing him closer and closer. His eyes were utterly calm, without a trace of insanity, and that made what he said all the more unnerving.

"You need to learn to hunt and kill alone. It's part of the thrill, you see. Once you can kill a mouse on your own, we can move to bigger things; funner things. It'll be a real popper, you'll see. And when we finally get you on to people..." Riku's lips brushed Sora's, gentle, teasing, seemingly incapable of forming such words. "Then it'll just be you and me, and we'll be all each other needs."

Then he engaged the other boy in a suddenly passionate kiss, pressing him against the dust-covered wall. Sora's hands immediately grasped for something to hold on to, trying to regain a sense of balance, and he barely noticed that he clung to the other boy, responding, kissing back.

Riku pulled back, his face slightly flushed, eyes excited, his breath quick. "Okay," he whispered, smiling. "You're doing very well. Very well."

Sora couldn't think of anything to say. So he walked around the older boy, slightly dazed, and began his search almost absentmindedly. He took a while to recollect his thoughts and slowly piece them together.

"Hey, Riku?" he asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Yeah?"

Sora cautiously peered around a stack of boxes; nothing there. "Remember when you were stuck inside with a cold or something a few years back?" When his friend didn't answer, the brunette looked up to see sea-green eyes watching patiently, and he realized that Riku expected him to clarify. "It was a while ago, and I wasn't allowed to visit, but Kairi was," he prompted.

Riku smiled slightly. "I believe I know what you're talking about."

Sora nodded, more to himself than to Riku. He took a slow step backward, listening, dropping his voice to a low whisper as he strained to listen for the merest scratching noise. "Well, Kairi came back really tense, and you two haven't been at ease since."

"Yeah."

"How come?"

Riku tilted his head to the side, folding his arms over his chest. "How come what?"

"Well... you must have said something to make her be like that," Sora replied. "She was almost... scared."

Riku grinned. "She was fucking terrified."

"Yeah, I guess."

"You want to know what I said to her?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

Sora was getting irritated. "Yes."

Riku opened his mouth to answer, and then paused. His eyes slid sideways, and Sora followed his line of vision. There was a small squeak and then a light scuffle. Sora could barely make out a small gray mouse making its way cautiously into the open from between a stack of old, dusty boxes. Neither boy spoke nor made a sound; Sora momentarily forgot how to breathe. The air was tense; Riku was waiting expectantly, and Sora knew what he wanted him to do.

He had a strange want for Riku to approve of him. Sora couldn't explain why, because he knew they were best friends, but he also knew this was an important thing to Riku. Sora's decision of what or what not to do was going to affect their futures, both together and separated.

Without giving it another thought, Sora darted forward. He heard the mouse make a small, high-pitched squeal as it noticed him. His reflexes were amazingly fast; his hand shot down toward the floor and wrapped around the small rodent, lifting it. The body fit snugly in his hand, and it was easy to wrap all his fingers around it. In leaning forward so quickly, Sora also lost his balance and went crashing to the carpetless floor. Dust flew up and he sneezed; the mouse did as well, barely a tiny little sniff, but he kept his grip on it.

Sora winced as pain flared in his elbow and right side. "Damn," he groaned.

He felt strong hands beneath him. Ignoring his protests, Riku helped him to his feet. He was smiling again, this time a bit strangely.

"One part done," he said calmly, pulling something from his pocket. He unfolded a penknife and offered it to Sora. "Now finish it."

Sora blinked. He slowly reached for the offered weapon, his hand feeling unlike his own as his fingers curled around the base. The blade gleamed dully in the poor lighting, and as though sensing its fate, the mouse began to wriggle and squeal and shriek in a frightening, inhuman way.

"Go on," Riku said softly. "Kill it. Stab it. Crush its head. Slit its throat. I don't care how; just do it on your own. Go on."

Sora closed his eyes briefly. "After this... then what?"

He was amazed that Riku responded so patiently, so calmly. "We'll gradually work our way up."

"How?"

"We'll just kill larger things. Until we get to people."

"What then?"

Riku grinned. "Then it'll just be you and me against it all."

Sora briefly pondered that. Just him and Riku... he knew it excluded Kairi, but thinking back, he remembered that she had been annoying him lately. Even if it had been the correct way of thinking, Sora would have preferred to not have to say, "You were right." What guy did?

Just him and Riku.

Just me and Riku...

In one sudden, vicious movement, Sora brought the penknife down and slit the mouse's belly.

Just me and Riku... it won't be that bad, will it? Because we're best friends. We're closer than anyone else. Even if it's this way, he says he can get me used to it... and then I won't be afraid, either.

Riku took the penknife from him; Sora hadn't realized he was gripping it so tightly. But the silver-haired boy gently wrestled it from his grip and set it aside, dripping blood on a musty old box.

"You're getting there," he assured his friend. "We're a lot closer now than ever. Just a few more steps and it'll be time. Just you and me."

Though he was trembling, though the feel of blood on his hands sickened him, though the sight of the dead creature made him want to scream, Sora found it within him to smile and nod. There was no other choice but to accept, and he figured he might as well make the best of it.

Besides, it would get better. Riku had promised.