Courage
The hardest part was having to face everyone who had worried about her, the friends who had spent hours out in the cold in search of her, and the villagers who had caught wind of something happening to her, but could only speculate about her reasons for running off into the forest by herself.
Kagome saw how miserable she felt about it, but the older woman knew from experience that there was no better and quicker way to overcome these awkward moments than to go out and face them with as much dignity as possible, without forgetting to be humble when it was appropriate to be so.
So she gripped Rin's arms firmly and supportively, looked at her with an expression that conveyed kindness and encouragement, and simply said: "Rin, just suck it up."
Rin didn't exactly understand the phrase, but she got the gist of it, and she left the young couple's hut two days after her ordeal with her head held high, but not so high that anyone would think she was proud of acting stupidly. The first meetings with each individual she met, other than the ones who had already gone to Inuyasha's place to see her, were painful for the first minute or so as careful questions about her well-being were broached, but became more relaxed when she proved that she was fine and back to normal.
Sango and Miroku were supportive and concerned, but sensible enough not to ask her too much, and the children were no less than delighted to see their regular babysitter again. It was seeing Kohaku face to face that proved almost impossibly agonising, but she was ready with what she had to say to him once Miroku and Sango left them alone, and she got the words out of her mouth as steadily as she could: "I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused, Kohaku. I behaved like a foolish little girl, when I should have known better. I've come to my senses now, and I want to assure you that you will no longer have to worry about how I feel – I was fond of you because we grew up together, but this incident has opened my eyes, and I will not act so stupidly again."
She could tell that he wanted to say something to her, but was struggling with the words. She really didn't want to hear it, anyway, for saying her piece had been painful enough. So she took the opportunity of his silence to bow fairly formally to him to emphasise her apology, then walked away, back to Kaede's hut.
She had not seen Koga yet, and she knew she would have to express her formal thanks to him, but she really didn't know how. She had been rude to him, and silent, and quite ungrateful that night, although she had uttered a few words of thanks – but he surely realised how much he had embarrassed her!
Koga had been spending his days in the woods discussing canine demon tribe matters with Sesshomaru and Inuyasha, and sometimes even bringing Shippo into the talks. But he had stayed in the village for the past few nights, at Kaede's abode. Now that Rin was moving back to Kaede's, it was understood that Koga would shift to Inuyasha's. Unlike Sesshomaru, who spent his time almost entirely out in forests or fields, never resting in a human dwelling if he could help it, Koga was used to having a cosy den to live in, and seemed to adjust better to mortal accommodation.
That evening, the wolf demon and Inuyasha returned to the village, leaving Sesshomaru at his usual spot in the forest, the one he occupied whenever he was in the area to visit Rin or his brother. Rin was back in Kaede's hut when Koga stopped by to thank the old miko for putting him up. As he came in, she knelt and touched her forehead to the ground before him, startling him, for he did not expect anything of the sort.
"Thank you once again for saving my life, Koga-sama," she said when she sat up, but kept her eyes lowered. "Forgive me for the trouble I put you through, and for being rude to you."
"Hey, don't even give it a thought," he said good-humouredly. "Just let me know the next time you decide to leap into a river – I'll be happy to save you all over again!"
With a chuckle, he left for Inuyasha's hut, leaving Rin more embarrassed than before.
.............
Koga had laughed off the seriousness of Rin's expression of gratitude, but in truth, it had made an impact on him. Apart from being moved by her effort to formally thank him despite her deep-seated fear of him, his demon instincts had been triggered into alertness by her posture of submission. The image of her with her head lowered to the ground, the back of her neck bared, appealed instantly and powerfully to him, all the more because he knew she had made the choice to bow to him.
When he had saved her, she had been unconscious, and then terribly frightened, and he had not been as aroused by her nakedness and proximity as he might otherwise have been. But now her simple and deliberate gesture made images flash in his mind of his teeth gently testing the creamy skin of that delicate neck, his hands roving over her body, his weight and strength pinning her to the earth.
He shook his head to clear the images away and took a detour before presenting himself at Inuyasha's hut, because the half-demon would smell what was on his mind.
"Koga-kun!" Kagome greeted him cheerfully as he stepped through the doorway. "You're just in time for dinner!"
She was stirring a stew of sorts in the cooking pot Kohaku had given them, and from the smell of it, it was packed with beef. Inuyasha was practically drooling over the pot, and Kagome had to nudge him back with her elbow from time to time so that his head wouldn't get in the way.
"Hey puppy, if you fall in, all the better – I used to be rather fond of dog meat when I was a cub!" Koga laughed.
"Oh, sure – you mean you enjoyed making out with whatever bitches you could catch because all your wolf females refused to stay in those bloody uncomfortable caves with your pig-headed pack of males!" Inuyasha scoffed.
"That's what you'd like to think!" Koga bristled. "I know perfectly well what puppy meat tastes like – cooked or raw."
"Bullshit," Inuyasha growled. "Even an ookami as uncivilised as yourself would know better than to eat a fellow canine."
"Don't be so sure. When times are hard, anything's fair game."
"Yeah – including Rin," Inuyasha grumbled.
"What?" Koga asked, wondering what he was referring to.
"Inuyasha, don't…" Kagome began.
"Well, he's got to know sooner or later, hasn't he?" the hanyou asked his mate.
"Know what?" Koga demanded.
"No one ever explained to you before why Rin's so afraid of wolves, because they didn't want to rake up ancient history. But it's only right for you to know – she's terrified of you ookami because almost seven years ago, you set your wolves on her and the other villagers at the place where you took back a Shikon shard from the guy who stole one from you. She was only a child when your pack killed her, Koga."
"Killed her? I don't understand. How…" Koga asked, confused.
"Tenseiga – Sesshomaru revived her with his Tenseiga – after your pack mauled her to death. That's why she's so terrified of wolves."
"Inuyasha," Kagome said softly, to stop him from going on. "Koga and his pack have changed since those days, and he had no idea Rin was involved in that incident."
"I didn't know," Koga said quietly.
"We know you didn't," Kagome responded gently, turning to him as Inuyasha hoisted the pot off the fire and set it down on a coaster of pleated straw and rags behind her. "Now come and eat while the food's still hot."
He sat down and ate with them, and he and Inuyasha argued no more that evening, tacitly agreeing instead to banter about other things. But delicious as the food was, and amusing as his companions were, Koga found his mind constantly going back years to the village his pack had destroyed, trying his best to recall if he had seen a girl-child among the adults, and wondering if he would have held his wolves back had he seen the terror on her little face.
.............
"Ah, so now I have to save you from deadly splinters, do I?" Koga's voice came at her from outside the firewood shed.
Kaede's little pile of firewood for cooking had dwindled, so Rin had gone out to get some from the shed in which timber had been stacked up during the warmer months in preparation for winter – at least half the entire shed's supply had been cut down and chopped up by Inuyasha in the summer.
As she gathered an armful of sticks, however, a splinter had pierced her left thumb, and she had dropped the bundle, narrowly missing her toes. And of all the people and demons in the village, Koga had to be the one to be nearby when that happened.
It was three days after she had bowed to him in Kaede's hut, and in those three days, she had seemed to run into him everywhere she turned. It was almost as if he was following her around.
She didn't answer him verbally – a silly remark like that didn't really deserve a proper reply – but she did give him a polite nod to acknowledge his presence before turning away from him to gingerly prod her thumb. She tried to feel where the splinter was, for it was evening and the shed was dark, and she couldn't see the sliver of wood.
"Here, let me have a look," he said, approaching her and taking her small hand in both of his significantly larger ones.
She felt herself blush immediately as he turned her palm upwards with his left hand, bent over it, carefully closed around the splinter with the claws of his right thumb and index finger, and drew it out. As the wound beaded over with blood, he drew her thumb into his mouth and licked off the blood.
Rin gasped and tugged her hand away from him. She turned and quickly bent down to pick up the wood she had dropped. But he stopped her, saying: "Don't do that – you'll only get more splinters in your hands. Your skin's too delicate for this kind of stuff – you really should bring a thick piece of cloth along next time as a shield."
"No, it's fine – I do this all the time –" she began. But he reached down, scooped up all the firewood at her feet into his arms, and added on a few more sticks from the heaps beside them.
"Are these for Kaede-sama's hut?" he asked, turning out of the shed.
"Yes – but please let me carry them – I'm really quite used to it!" she protested.
He wouldn't let her, though, and only turned his eyes to look at her petite form trotting to keep up with him over the icy ground. Laughing, he told her: "Do allow others to help you without putting up such a fight every time. I'm sure my shins are still bruised where you kicked them in the den."
That made her go quiet, and she walked in silence beside him till they reached the hut. He strode indoors, put the wood down in a corner, and greeted the miko.
"Oh, thank you, Koga," the old lady said in surprise, glancing from him to Rin. "It's very kind of you to help us."
"Don't mention it," he said. "Anything else I can do for you?"
"No, thank you," Rin said at once.
But Kaede spoke at almost the same time she did, saying: "Didn't you say you would be leaving tomorrow, Koga?"
"Yes, I did, and I am," the wolf demon answered.
"Rin, I'm almost done with the cooking, so I don't need your help right now. Why don't you go back outside with Koga so you can say goodbye to him properly? He'll be leaving so early in the morning that you won't be able to say more than two words to him then."
It was on the tip of Rin's tongue to reply that two words were more than she had to say to him, but she bit her tongue to shut herself up and quietly walked back outside with him.
They stood in the space between Kaede's hut and Inuyasha's – awkwardly on her part, and silently on his, until he said to her: "Inuyasha told me what my pack did to you when you were a child. I'm sorry. I didn't know. We were… different then, facing desperate times, and I wasn't averse to letting my wolves treat humans as food. We don't do that any more. I'm sorry that you suffered at my hands."
A shiver ran through her. His words made so real the memory of those jaws crushing her flesh and bones, that she crossed her arms defensively over the front of her body and shuddered, as if she was horribly cold, even though this was a mild evening.
"I'm so sorry," Koga whispered, not quite knowing what to do for a moment, before making up his mind to be bold in his attempt to repair the situation.
He stepped right up to her and took her into his arms. She made a sound of protest – an almost animal-like whimper – and tried to push him away, but he had demon strength, and she was such a petite girl, and he held her easily until her resistance eased, and she rested her forehead against his chest.
Her arms, now unfolded, had stopped pushing him away, but her hands were still pressed palms-out against his body to keep him at what little distance she could. Between her brow bent to his chest like a lover's, and her hands putting up a feeble but unbreakable barrier between them, they stood together in that ambiguous place where paths can be found or closed off, and dreams of the future may live or die.
When they heard Inuyasha walking across the floor of his hut towards his door, Koga kissed her once on the cheek, then let her go.
In the morning before the sun rose, he left the village, with a promise to be back in spring.