Chapter Six: Sushi Suggestions and Electric Blue Speedos
Juugo and Suigetsu heard the explosion, and when the wall of flame evaporated they saw the large crater that was once the ground Sasuke inhabited. As for Sasuke, there wasn't even a hair left of him. They stood there, staring at the blackened ground, watching Deidara's bird fly away into the starry sky until it disappeared.
Suigetsu was the first to speak. "What do we do now?"
Juugo shrugged. They hadn't known Sasuke for that long, but Kimimaru died to protect him. He was more than a little disappointed that Sasuke had lost in a battle just because Clari had screamed "brotherly incest." It seemed a disgrace to Kimimaru.
"...Wanna go get something to eat?" Suigetsu suggested after a prolonged pause.
"Sure," Juugo said, following him out of the clearing. "Can we get sushi?"
oOoOoOoOo
Deidara let out a woot into the night wind. "Yeah! I killed Sasuke, un!"
"We killed Sasuke, you mean," Clari said from behind him. Her eyes scanned the area around her. The view from the sky was amazing. Long stretches of forest extended for miles to the indigo horizon, dimpled with cities and lakes. Behind them, Konoha was just a smudge in the landscape. Clari scowled. "Did you seriously blow up Konoha?"
"Only in order to find you, un," Deidara defended. "Don't worry, it was only a couple fireworks. They'll recover soon enough."
Clari shook her head and sighed. "Well, the view is nice from up here."
"You wanna see something really cool, un?" Deidara asked.
"Sure. As long as I'm not endangering myself in the process," Clari said.
Deidara chuckled before he moved aside and urged her forward. Clari blinked, astounded that the view was even more incredible. She could see everthing and feel the wind blow around her without Deidara in the way. For a moment, it almost felt like she was flying and not the bird.
That is, until Deidara suddenly made the bird drop ten feet to the ground.
Clari screamed and grabbed Deidara to keep herself from slipping off the rounded back of the sculpture. He rumbled with laughter. She looked up and glared at him. "That's not funny!"
"I think so," Deidara said, patting her head.
She redoubled her death glare potency. "Don't do that!"
"What? This - " he said, dropping the bird again. Then he proceeded to pat her head. " - or that?"
"Both!" Clari squeaked from the folds of his robe.
"Well, your not exactly discouraging me, un," Deidara remarked.
"Shut up!" Clari said, immediately letting go of him. She simultaneously slipped a little bit off the bird, but Deidara caught her before she could fall off completely. Clari sucked in a breath when his arm grasped her waist in his attempt to pull her back up.
"You okay, un?" he asked.
"Yeah, just a little bruised up," she said, showing him the bruises on her arms and explaining that she also had one on her stomach. As soon as she was done talking, he grabbed the edge of her shirt and pulled it up so he could see the bruise. He bent down to inspect it.
"Ouch, un. Looks painful."
Clari blushed vividly. "Y-yeah, kinda..."
He poked the purple area, causing a spasm of throbbing pain to ripple through her abdomen. She jerked away with a sharp "Ow!" and wrested her shirt back from Deidara's hand, letting it cover her stomach again. "Don't poke it!"
"Why, un?"
"Because it's a bruise! It hurts!"
Deidara rolled his eyes. "Sorry, un. I'm sure Kakuzu will have something to make it better."
"What happened to Zetsu?" Clari inquired, since Zetsu was the primary physician of the Akatsuki.
"He stayed back with Lily and Konan and Itachi," Deidara explained. "It's a long story; Pein'll tell you when we get to the hide out. More importantly, what happened to you, un?"
"I'll tell you when we get back to the hide out," Clari sighed, boldly resting her head on Deidara's chest and closing her eyes. It occurred to her that she really hadn't gotten a lot of sleep these past two days, not even at Shizune's house because Gai and Lee kept making noise outside. Already she could feel fatigue draining the adrenaline from her body. "So that way I don't have to tell the story twice."
"Okay," Deidara agreed. After another moment he said, "It's good to have you back, un."
Clari sighed contently. "It's good to be back."
oOoOoOoOo
Pein had to admit, he was surprised to see Deidara back so soon. In fact, though he would never actually say this, he was a little bit surprised to see Deidara back at all. Sasuke was a fierce opponent, and he had two other ninjas on his side.
However, only after an hour or two, Deidara landed his bird and carried Clari inside. At first Pein thought she was injured, and felt fear shoot through his veins. But when Deidara came closer, Pein saw that she was only sleeping.
"She fell asleep on the way back, un," Deidara explained. "Standing up. She must have been pretty tired."
"Should we let her sleep until tomorrow?" Pein asked.
Unfortunately, Clari didn't get this option. Jaye came bounding down the hall, screaming like a maniac. "CLAAAAARIII!" she shrieked, bolting past Pein and leaping right into Clari and Deidara. The three of them tumbled to the ground, forming a small pile of tangled limbs in the center of the floor. Clari, who was sandwiched between Jaye and Deidara, wore a confused expression. Deidara's face was equally bewildered, for he was not expecting Jaye to run into him too.
Jaye smothered her cousin in a hug, not bothering to stand in order to do so. "Clari! I missed you so much!"
"I-I..." Clari stammered, still gathering her surroundings.
Deidara interrupted her. "Get off me, un! I'm suffocating!"
"You're such a baby," Jaye scoffed, pulling Clari to her feet and leaving Deidara sprawled on the floor. She once again pulled Clari into a hug and squealed. "I'm so glad you're back!"
"Me too," Clari gasped. "But I need air."
Jaye let go and began pestering her cousin with questions.
"I'll tell you when everyone else gets in here," Clari said, grinning at Kisame and Kakuzu in the door way. A blur of orange and black shoved them aside and shot across the room, bolting into Clari and trapping her in yet another bear hug.
"TOBI WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT CLARI-CHAN!" Tobi squeaked, crushing the breath out of Clari's lungs and spinning around in circles. Over Tobi's whimpering she heard Hidan exclaim, "Finally, you're back! Maybe Bitch won't be such a pain now!"
"What was that, bastard?"
"You heard me, bitch!"
Hidan and Jaye launched into a well awaited argument, for they hadn't really bickered since Clari went missing. Hidan had attempted arguments, most of which were viciously severed by Jaye stomping away or growling ferociously at him to shut the fuck up. There had been something in her tone of voice that encouraged Hidan to do so.
"Enough," Pein said, putting a stop to their feiry debate before it spiraled out of control. "Let's sit down so we can talk."
"Good idea," Clari agreed, still tired after her long week.
"It is, but I have a question," Deidara said.
"What?"
"Can someone help me off the floor, un?"
After they peeled Deidara off the floor (the pressure of his, Clari's, and Jaye's bodies on top of the clay had softened it and stuck him to the ground) they sat and told their stories. Pein went first, but was constantly interrupted by Jaye until she was finishing up the story. Clari was shocked to learn that they'd have to stay for a couple more days, until Itachi finalized his security precautions in her world. She was also a bit touched to discover that they'd searched so hard for her, though she didn't voice this out loud.
When it was Clari's turn, they all listened intently to what she had to say. Pein, in particular, squeezed every detail possible out of her. She suspected he was using her to gather more information about Konoha, and she did not like it. But, if she had to choose between the Akatsuki or Konoha, she'd have to pick the Akatsuki. Deidara took over the story after Clari got to the part where he showed up. Jaye was exuberant that Sasuke was dead, but everyone else was surprised. That was, until Deidara revealed the means in order to defeat Sasuke. Then they all burst into laughter.
"I wonder what Itachi will say..." Jaye pondered absentmindedly.
"He doesn't seem to care about Sasuke too much," Kisame dismissed. "I'm sure he'll be alright. Hell, he might be pleased. That brat was always chasing after us, trying to get revenge or something. I don't know why Itachi didn't just kill him."
Clari and Jaye glanced at each other. Would Itachi care that Sasuke was dead?
Well, there was only one way to find out.
oOoOoOoOo
It was several days before the Akatsuki called again. Lily didn't want to call them, fearing that she would interrupt something drastically important and alter the fate of her girls, though Konan assured her that this was not probable.
Lily was getting ready to head out the door for work when the phone rang. She scrambled to answer it, gasping into the mouthpiece when she finally reached it.
"He...hel..."
"Mom? Mom, are you okay?" Jaye's voice cried in panic from the other end.
"Yes, I'm fine," Lily said eventually. "I just had to run to get to the phone. I was getting ready to go out the door."
"Oh, okay. Well, I just called to tell you that we found Clari and everything so - "
"YOU FOUND HER?" Lily exclaimed. "PUT HER ON THE PHONE!"
"...Ow. Lily, you're on speaker and you just ruptured everyone's eardrums," Clari said.
"CLARI!" Lily cried, wishing that she could hug over the phone. Instead, she pelted her niece with questions, much like her daughter's second instinct was to do. "Are you okay? When did you get back? Why did it take so long for you to call? Do you know how worried I've been? Did anybody hurt you? Is Jaye okay? Has Hidan been bothering her? She seems weird lately. Speaking of which, has Deidara been bothering you? Oh, who am I kidding, they both bother you girls all the time! I'm just so happy you're safe! You are safe right?"
"Yes, Lily, we're fine," Clari assured.
"When do you think you'll be back?" Lily asked excitedly. The first week in November had already flew by, and she didn't want the girls to miss Thanksgiving as well as Halloween.
"Whenever Itachi gives us the okay, I guess," Jaye answered.
"I will be done with the wards within a week's time," Itachi said. "I'll call you when they are done."
"Good. And, um, Itachi...there's something we need to talk about..."
"Okay."
"Well...you see...Sasuke had already kidnapped Clari from Konoha by the time we went looking for her, so we had to rescue her and...well, in the process..."
"Deidara and I killed your brother, Itachi."
There was absolute silence on both ends of the phone. Lily blinked, glancing over at Itachi. She hadn't even known he had a brother, much less one who was capable of kidnapping a young girl. It didn't quite occur to her yet that Clari just admitted to murder, but she would get to that eventually. If her parental sanity would be able to handle it, that is.
Itachi stared at the phone. He cleared his throat. "How did he die?"
There was an uncomfortable silence on the other end of the phone. "Um...it was a...interesting battle, Itachi. He, uh...he..." Clari paused. "You know what, I don't know a lot about the ninja stuff. Why don't you tell him, Deidara?"
"Wha - um, he, uh...he was distracted and I...well, I blew him up. It was the only way to get away safely and...it was a quick death. Painless. Beautiful, un. A great work of - " it was at that moment that someone must have elbowed Deidara in the gut, because he stopped talking. Lily almost sighed at their poor comforting skills. She glanced over to see how Itachi was handling it (this Sasuke person was his brother, after all; no matter how emotionless Itachi seemed to be, it must have mattered to him somehow) but he had already fled the room.
oOoOoOoOo
After a conversation with Lily, Clari and Jaye said their goodbyes and hung up the phone, promising to call her tomorrow.
"Why did you drag me into it, un?" Deidara cried, after they were done talking.
"I wasn't going to be the one to tell him that we beat Sasuke by confusing him with the topic of incest," Clari said.
"I don't see why he should be upset at all," Jaye said. "You two did him a favor, if you ask me. Sasuke was just a pain in the ass. An angsty one, to boot."
Silence was restored.
Kakuzu suddenly snapped his fingers, making everybody jump. "Hidan and Jaye, aren't you forgetting something?"
The pair glanced at each other, wracking their brains for something that might have slipped their minds. After much evaluating, they both shook their heads. Kakuzu smiled slyly and told a story about a certain blue-haired ninja's outfit, which resulted in a certain argument on the way to school, and furthermore resulted in a bet made by Jaye and Hidan.
"We'll all judge," Kakuzu grinned after his story was over and his luminescent green eyes were twinkling from above his mask at the prospect of embarrassing the poor pair. "Who would make the best prostitute?"
oOoOoOoOo
When Lily came home from work, Itachi was walking around the room drawing strange shapes along the walls with what looked like a piece of chalk. Konan and Zetsu sat on the couch and watched in interest, following the Uchiha's every move with their eyes.
"What is he doing?" Lily asked them, plopping down beside Konan and taking off her heels. Bear joined her.
"We don't know, but I have a feeling we're getting ready to find out," Konan whispered back. Itachi had stopped walking and was checking the marks made on the walls. Absently, Lily wondered what it would take to clean the marks off.
She didn't have to worry about this for long. Itachi made several quick seals with his hands and said words too fast for her to comprehend. After he was finished, the shapes on the walls glowed brilliantly and just as quickly faded out of existence. Itachi blinked.
"That wasn't supposed to happen," he said.
"What do you mean...?" Lily said hesitantly.
"It wasn't supposed to do that."
"What do you mean it wasn't supposed to do that? What did you do?"
"It was supposed the be a ward on the house. It doesn't feel like it worked though," Itachi explained.
"Then what did it do?" Lily shrieked.
"I don't know."
"You don't know? It must have done something! The shape thingies did something! What did you do?"
"If I may, I believe your friend Itachi here granted me the ability to communicate with you in a language you understand," said a voice coming from Lily's feet. Lily slowly turned her head to look at Bear, who was staring at her with intelligent brown eyes. The dog opened his mouth once more. "That just an hypothesis, seeing as I can actually speak English now."
Lily's face went red, then purple, then blue, then white, a series of colors that couldn't have been healthy for her at all. She shot an accusing glare at Itachi, who was also staring at the dog in a face as close to shock as he got. "What did you do?"
"I thought I just explained that," Bear said in exasperation.
"MY DOG IS TALKING TO ME!" Lily screeched, gesturing to said dog. "TALKING! DOGS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO TALK!"
"I...I don't have anything to say," Itachi replied honestly.
Bear stood and shook out his fur. "Would you mind getting me a flea collar? I think I might have one or two on me."
"I-it's okay, Lily," Konan reassured. "We'll find a way to get Bear back to normal. Right, Itachi?"
"I suppose so," Itachi agreed.
"No! I like being able to talk human!" Bear cried. "I can still act like a dog when people are around! Please let me keep my voice!"
"I don't know...we'll wait until Jaye gets home. You are her dog, after all," Lily said uncertainly.
"Yes! My Queen will most definitely let me keep my voice!" Bear cheered.
Lily gave the dog a look of disbelief. "Your...Queen?"
"Yes. My Honorable Queen Jayden, who rescued me from my sisters." Bear shuddered. "I am forever in her debt."
Lily could only say: "Wow."
oOoOoOoOo
"This is humiliating."
Clari scowled. "Stop moving! I need to fix your eyeliner."
"Why did I agree to this again?" Jaye inquired for the hundredth time, squirming despite Clari's complaint.
"Because you're headstrong and won't refuse any bet," Clari said baldly. "Particularly ones against Hidan."
Jaye huffed.
"Stop! You're going to make me mess up and then you'll lose! Do you really want Hidan to be the better prostitute?"
Jaye sighed. "I guess not."
"Then stop moving!"
Clari finished applying her cousin's makeup and appraised her work. The Akatsuki hide out had limited resources, but Jaye still looked a lot like a prostitute. She had on one of Konan's shorter black dresses and fishnet tights, with boots that could only be described as the stripper kind. That was paired with makeup done with a heavy hand and hair that was curled wildly around her face.
"How do I look?" Jaye said sarcastically.
"Like a prostitute," Clari admitted.
"Faaanastic."
"I think Hidan will be okay if he loses."
"You mean when he loses."
Clari chuckled and left the room to see if Hidan was ready yet. He was on his own with his prostitute outfit, because everyone refused to help him. Clari knocked on the door. "You ready yet?"
"I was fucking born ready!"
Clari alerted Kakuzu, who was the announcer for the event, and sat back to watch the proceedings with Pein, who denied his position as judge. The judges were Deidara, Tobi, and Kisame. Hidan and Jaye would enter the room, and whoever got two out of three votes would be declared winner. Loser had to grant one request from the winner without complaint.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" Kakuzu said, really getting into his announcer role. "Presenting Prostitute Number One: Jaye!"
Jaye entered the room, walking with as much confidence as she could muster in a stripper outfit. This mainly involved resisting the urge to cross her arms and shield as much of her exposed skin as she could. The judges seemed impressed.
"Next, Prostitute Number Two: Hidan!"
Hidan entered the room in his regular Akatsuki robe, though it was buttoned all the way. He strutted across the room and, right before the judges table, he ripped the robe off.
Revealing nothing but an electric blue speedo.
Jaye and Clari both slapped their foreheads and, in Jaye's case, turned beet red. Most of the Akatsuki roared with laughter. And just when they thought it couldn't get any worse, Hidan wheeled around and strutted across the room. When he reached to the place where Jaye was standing...
...He bent over and slapped his ass.
When he took his place beside a very flustered Jaye, he was confident of his victory. He would accept this humiliation in exchange of the prize.
After the Akatsuki finally stopped laughing, the judges gave their votes.
"Hidan," Deidara gasped. "Sorry, but that was too funny, un."
"Jaye," Kisame said. "Hidan's act was too disturbing. And I'm not gay, like Deidara."
"I'm not gay, un!"
Everyone turned to Tobi. His vote was the deciding one. He sat thoughtfully for a moment, considering the two competitors. He cleared his throat to speak. "Well, Hidan-san gave a performance, so I don't think that's fair to Jaye-chan. If she can do the same, then Tobi will vote her."
"What exactly do you want me to do...?" Jaye squeaked.
As an answer, Tobi tapped his lap.
Silence filled the room. Everyone's eyes were like saucers, disbelief and bewilderment written on every face. They thought they would never see the day when Tobi, of all people, would request a lap dance. Jaye's shock quickly turned into degraded rage. Hidan, too, looked more than a little bothered.
"FUCK NO!" They roared at the same time.
"Then Tobi gives his vote to Hidan-san," Tobi said.
"HIDAN IS THE WINNER!" Kakuzu announced. "Jaye, you have to obey one request from Hidan."
Amidst the fits of giggles and hoots coming from the Akatsuki, Jaye scowled and turned to Hidan. "What the fuck do you want?"
Hidan thought for a moment. Finally he looked at her and said, "Go on a date with me."
Surprised silence was restored, even more so than before. Jaye seemed the most flabbergast; she'd never, in a million years, thought that Hidan would ask her out on a date. In fact, she was having trouble comprehending it.
"W-w-what? You want me t-to..."
"Go on a date with me."
"Why?" Jaye shouted.
Hidan shrugged.
Jaye wore a deer-caught-in-headlights sort of expression. Damn him! She couldn't refuse, not even if she wanted to! It seemed like cheating. But it couldn't be too bad. They had lived under the same roof for a while, after all. How much worse could it be?
"I guess I don't really have a choice," she grumbled finally. She looked him over. "You're not wearing that, are you?"
Hidan grinned and struck a pose. "You know you like it, bitch."
"I'm leaving now."
Clari stumbled after her, at a loss of what else to do. Honestly, she was too disturbed to do much of anything. Hidan and Jaye on a date...Jaye and Hidan dating...Jaye...Hidan...Date...
When they got to Konan's room, Jaye slammed the door behind her and grasped Clari's shoulders, shaking her back and forth. "Clari! You have to come with us!"
"What? No! I'm not gonna be the third wheel on your date!" Clari cried.
"You have to! Or better yet, bring Deidara and make it a double date!" Jaye begged. "Please, Clari! I'll never ask you for anything again!"
"Yes, you will."
"Okay, I will, but that's not the point! I can't be alone on a date with - with - " Jaye started twitching.
Clari, a bit frightened by Jaye's nervous spasm, hastily agreed to the plan. "Okay, fine! I'll go!"
"Really?" Jaye exclaimed, swallowing back her last gag.
"Yeah."
"You have to bring Deidara too, or else Hidan'll get suspicious."
"Whatever."
"I owe you one."
"You owe me one-hundred."
"Yeah, yeah," Jaye said dismissively. Clari shook her head and sighed. A double date with Jaye and Hidan and her and Deidara.
What could go wrong?
oOoOoOoOo
I'll answer that question: Everything. *insert evil laughter here*
Sorry it took so long to publish this chapter. The holidays offered little in the means of computer access. However, I think the awesomeness of this chapter makes up for it. Bear speaking, a prostitute contest, an upcoming date...Anyway I'm back now, and chapters should be published just as fast as before. Also...
HAPPY NEW YEAR! :D