AN:Hello Lovelies! Golden here (lol sorry couldn't resist.) I meant to upload two - that's right, two not one - chapters tonight but I started um... idk about 3 hours late on account of getting caught up in reading on my kindle? Ooops. Sorry. Anyway I decided to fight and at least get one today. I've got to do a proper looksee for typos I may have missed so forgive anything my tired eyes miss until then. As always love and light for your continued support. Cheers xx.
Nate pulls Blair onto his lap and grabs your hand pulling you to sit very close to them. You wonder as to how much of a strain it puts on him to contain the two of you at once. He looks tired but also relieved and happy to see the two of you unscathed. Blair is disappointed not to see Serena and asks sadly where she is, if she is not as concerned as he is. Nate takes a moment to look at her face, his own expression soft, loving and placid. You've come to recognize this as his 'happy blair is talking' expression.
Your shoulders rub, it is pleasant and you listen to him tell Blair that he sent Serena on errands with Carter to distract her while you stare at the sky. The stars always shine brighter during Hot Lightning storms and you seldom get to see them. He goes on to say that their third paramour is positively beside herself with worry and Carter all but had to throw her over his shoulders. Blair's toes somehow end up tucked behind your knee and this moment, right now, becomes the most calm one you've had in years.
"She didn't set you on fire?" he takes one of your hands and turns it over in his own.
You laugh a little - as Blair mumbles 'I'm right here.' under her breath - and remind him that you are fireproof.
"You hear that B?" He pinches her in her ribs and she tries valiantly not to give in and smile but loses the battle when you wink at her.
Things have shifted a little more still.
/
3 Days after the caves I am with Serena who has insisted I come with her to Melody's for a movie night. She insists we would make fabulous friends, in a way that only her complete ignorance to the many complications of the situation will allow. Melody for her part does a better job acting naturally around me this time around since I assume she has come to think I would not have any real info about her and Dan's past.
She is long limbs, cool ash brown curls and skin that is the colour of pasteurized honey.
I feel stuck in their collective shadows as they walk up some stairs to a solarium that is at the back of her home and seems to be for entertaining. I am pleased to notice she has AC and wonder if Dan had anything to do with this since, I'd guess his ability and a glass room at high noon don't mix.
Melody has a very impressive eclectic selection and I tell her this, keeping my head down just after this announcement as Serena beams and pecks me quickly – happy that she is in her mind finding me a friend. She asks Melody for an update on her boy situation with someone called Ryan and twirls my hair around her finger as my back is to her side as I pull out the occasional title.
We decide to watch The Departed and reminisce on when Matt Damon was still alive and well.
Melody is noticeably intrigued by Serena & I's physical interactions and I am sure many people in the community have had lots to say about 'just what goes on' up there in that bungalow. Add Humphrey's reclusive Quasimodo like antics and you've got quite a picture to discuss. I am sure Serena either doesn't notice or is too content with our new life to care, she is a phoenix, shaking off the ashes of her rebirth. She seems more like she was in the in-between. Before the hysteria, the deaths, before – just before.
Melody averts her eyes quickly after I see her looking on as Serena bends her head forward and presses a long kiss to just below my eye when I tilt my head up and ask her a funny question about her once betrothed Leo Dicaprio.
"Mmmm... I've got you guys now, fuck that."
Ever loyal, our fair Serena.
/
Nate and Zach are at Carter's working on some plans, and discussing long term strategies while the girls spend time at Melody's. You decline their invitation with a smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes and causes Nate to take two short steps to you.
"Everything ok?" His fingers tap your elbow briefly. This time when you smile it's tired but genuine.
'Just tired' is all you say and slip a cigarette out from behind your ear. He is seemingly satisfied and tells you to call him when the girls get home to which you nod. From behind him you see Carter observe you two in a all too inquisitive way, Zach is already outside.
When you go on the deck it's actually somewhat cool, you take a moment to revel in this before lighting up. Your mind eventually makes its way back to the caves and the last 24hrs in them. To say Blair has lowered her walls a little bit would be accurate. You wonder at what this means, not just between you and her but for all of you. You hate the part of you that still yearns for her after all these years while knowing that everything has changed entirely.
You know you have every reason to let go. And you have let go of a lot. But you still are unable to let go of itall.
That last night you fall asleep before she does and you are surprised when you feel her nudge you and climb onto the cot all wrapped up in her blanket. At first she lays with her back to you and enough time passes that your lids get heavy again, but then she whispers into the dark.
"I want you to know, that... I know we're eventually going to have to have a conversation. I get it. I'm just not ready."
She rolls over and puts her face close to yours, her eyes are more vulnerable than you've seen since you've all been reunited. She waits and looks at you.
You sigh and tell her, last you checked she wasn't much for talking and that's not a big deal to you. She weighs these words, trying to decide if it's meant in a good or bad way, so to let her know you lift your arm and ask her if she's cold.
She says no and scoots closer anyway.
\
Then – just like nothing... Somehow, you are in the loft, the loft as you remember it. The experience is jarring and confusing. You sit up, on edge, and unsure. You are wearing comfortable sweatpants, they're black and no shirt. The sun is bright outside the closed window that you can see.
You leave the living room and go to explore your old room. Your eyes and sometimes hands roam over book spines and surfaces. For some reason Cedric is in your bed, it takes you a few seconds but then you realize.
You are dreaming.
This brand of displaced dreaming has only happened since you've become an alter. You mostly dream about New York this way. Your dreams are often of memories and past events of a specific nature. They sometimes play out with minor differences, or exactly the same only... you are aware this is not real anymore.
The door slides open.
Blair breezes in, her hair is still brown. She is fully dressed up which leads you believe today is...was... a day of work for her. She spots you in the doorway and her face breaks into the most beauteous smile. You have forgotten that she could be this way... that you could make her feel this way.
"I got asked to consult on a mui mui campaign for next year!"
You only smile, trying to take in this moment.
She sheds her jacket and heels and dashes over to you and throws her arms around your neck pulling you into a kiss that makes you feel the kind of hot you now consider a curse.
You ask her if she wants anything, forgetting manners for a second. Her reply is simple.
"You."
The word comes out in a whispered breath. You remember this day.
This was a good day.
You haven't dreamt of a good day in New York in 2 years.
She pushes you onto the couch and stands over you and reaches to the side of her skirt. Ah yes. You loved this skirt, it was chartreuse – a colour you only knew by name before upper east side girls made homes of your heart – in her preferred cut; pencil. But unlike all her other pencil skirts, this one had giant brass coloured buttons that ran up the side.
As she unbuttons the 3rd one and you take in her deep plum sheer blouse you realise she is dressed for fall.
"Are you just going to stare?"
You nod and bite your lip because you know the sight of you doing that drives her crazy.
She straddles you a few seconds later, emptying her want and need into your mouth. Her hands find your hair which is a little longer, your hands pull the hem of her blouse out her skirt and slide up her back slowly. She moans a little into the kiss at the sensation. She likes how you touch her she has said.
You expertly unhook her bra without so much as a though and she smirks and nibbles your lip in response. You never could understand how this would amuse her after all the times you'd been together. But now, you smile back, and make a pleased hum as she does that magic thing girls do and slides it out one of her sleeves.
Her phone will ring soon, interrupting the beginning stages of what ends up being some of the best sex you've ever had together, it will be Serena calling to congratulate her. You will, annoyed that she has answered at all, proceed to – as punishment – slide her lace panties off and whisper in her other ear that she is not to get off the phone until Serena ends the call.
Then you will slowly, firmly and hungrily eat away at her in the best of ways while she struggles to maintain her composure during Serena's ramblings. Sweat will cover her neck and chest, her bottom lip will be plump from her biting on it to hold back little mewls. You will find the sensitive nub between her folds and suck with a gentle pressure while gliding your tongue from side to side and her eyes will roll shut as she sucks in a silent shuddering breath.
She's just pulled her blouse off her head and found your mouth again, gasping as your cold (a word you lost in the fires of the future) hands palm her breasts with a familiar ease.
"I love you." she whispers into your ear, this is when Serena is to call, before you can answer.
Only...
This is one of those dreams.
Your phone rings.
Nate's face is on the screen.
Huh.
/
"Do you realize that's the first fun thing we've done without Natey in years? I mean like outside of wherever we are living at the time...like a social outing?"
It's dark, Serena is bubbly but tired. A contradiction only she can pull off organically. We're walking up the hill leaving Melody's home and she is swinging our entwined hands. I nod serenely in response. She's right, of course we have spent time without Nate in the last few years but we haven't had an a plan separate from him together longer than I can remember.
Years spent on 5th avenue seem like stories from someone else's life. Nights at supper clubs. Balls, benefits, galas... how many times did we get ready together, share lipstick and flutes of champagne?
It all seems so painfully and impossibly long ago.
She pauses then and asks me whether I want to go down by the boys or go and take advantage of the alone time? She's leaning against a giant Karri tree that is the central point of four homes, we can continue up to the bungalow or veer right to pass the shorter but more difficult route to Carter's home.
I think of Nate and Humphrey outside the caves and it's a pleasant warmth like wine drank too fast but she's right. This, just the two of us, is too great to pass on. I grin and look at the bungalow and she pulls me to her using our clasped hands and begins to kiss me.
Kissing Serena is and always has been different than kissing any of the men I've shared the act with. Nate's kisses are true, steady, almost healing...sometimes I get high on how pure he feels. Chuck? Well that's easy, they devoured me, it was sparks, passion, fear, getting lost. Carter was a dangerous distraction at the time... I wouldn't be surprised if it was completely different here and now over a decade later.
Dan Humphrey's kisses would make me dizzy, immutable most of the time they managed to find a nice balance between Chuck and Nate. Tender yet aggressive, he pulled at me, coaxed, stripped away and then honoured, always honoured. I struggle to remember the others, Louis' chaste dignified affections, Marcus is a blank altogether. To accurately categorize what this is between Serena and I … it is hard...
Symbiotic, intuitive... soft and ripe. I wonder if kissing all women is this way, if we kiss each other perfectly because we know what feels best by experience...one day maybe I will ask S.
I often - when we get really into it - have had moments wherein I forgave Nate and Dan their indiscretions of the past. Had I known this is what her lips felt like; I probably would have had a few of my own.
I feel the need to note; the kiss in the closet when we were 11? Not even close to this.
I am wearing one of Nate's exercise tanks of days past, with a scooping neckline and sides that hang very low with a small bandeaux underneath, she quickly pulls me as close as she can get me and slides the tiny top down. Her hands sneak in the sides easily and she pushes my breasts together tearing her mouth away from mine as her lips and tongue trail hotly and wetly down my throat and begin to lave at my nipples.
I flip the hem of her short flowing dress up and tug only one side of her panties down - roughly. That's all I need... and I know she gets extra excited whenever I am bossy and take charge with her, I think it has something to do with our old rivalry. I expertly place my hand over her, my middle finger pressed along the length of her and I wait.
A few second pass and I kiss her neck, nibble her shoulder and sure enough she moans and pushes against my hand, lowly crying please somewhere into my bared cleavage. I dip my finger in, only past the first joint, keeping the rest of fingers pressed flushly against her and she pushes against me again...and again... and begins to build herself up on my soon two fingers. My nipples strain against her own administrations and one of her hands caresses and rubs one of my tits pleasantly.
She stops after about a minute which confuses me and drags my hand up to her mouth before grabbing me and kissing me all wet and hot with short breaths.
"Come on, I wanna taste you on that couch. Now B."
The door is unlocked and the boys left a few of the lights on, we stumble in, our hands grabbing whatever we can on each other. Instead of going straight to the couch Serena has me hop up on the island in the kitchen. She pulls my ringer shorts off easily and my underwear along with them and begins to make a meal out of me. She has openly confessed to Nate, granted in one of her coy seductions, how much she loves going down on me. That she worries she wasted all those years with men.
He usually sees fit to restore her faith for the evening.
The combinations of her warm tongue and the cold marble under my ass feels divine, her fingertips dig into my thighs and I groan her name out between, "yes right there." and "just like that."
I vaguely consider becoming bossy again and insisting we go to the room instead so we can 69 properly when she pulls her head up and nips the back of my thigh with her teeth.
"Couch Waldorf." She always says my last name all flirty and cute, it's an amusing contrast to that of Dan or Carter or pretty much anyone else for that matter.
The highlight reel of the couch features the usual - heavy, hurried petting, naughty words, scissoring. We don't bother to take anymore clothes off – except Serena's underwear. From where we are we can hear the front door if it opens and still have enough time to run to the room and surprise Nate.
But the real surprise is when Dan stumbles bleary eyed off the balcony rubbing one of his eyes with a raging sleep hard on sticking out from under his shorts.
Serena is on top me, angled so that her back is to him so I spot him just after he has seen us and mumbled huskily "Holy fuck."
All I can say is "Eeep."
Serena stills and shuts her eyes, willing the moment to go away, biting down on her lip.
A few beats, three at most.
He looks at me, lust all over his face, and I don't see the point of hiding my own.
My free hand that is not on Serena's chest ever so slightly lifts to him as I bite my lip.
Well?
He takes one step, his hand squeezing at his erection and he groans a little, clearly fighting with himself. Serena turns around without noticing my hand and finds him this way, she is beyond relieved. I'm not sure what she thought he would be other than turned on by his two ex-girlfriends together.
He looks between the two of us, and then she speaks "room for one more."
His eyes go back to me and I can see the question in them.
I nod and smile a tiny smile.
But then Serena speaks again, "Daaaan." Sings his name out. And his entire demeanour changes. He drops his shoulders, yawns and rubs his face.
"God knows I really want to... you have no idea but...uh.. I can... shouldn't. Sorry for uh interrupting."
...
Serena yanks me up after we hear his door and grabs our clothes in the kitchen and we run down to our room and turn on the shower.
"What was that?" She all but wails while looking torn between tears and punching the wall.
"S..." I push her wet hair back and lean up to press a short kiss to her mouth. "He's probably in shock."
"But I don't get it... he knows about all of us now... do you think it's the history?"
"Which *one*?" I ask pointedly and reach for the body wash.
I begin to slowly and firmly rub it into her chest hoping this provides enough of a distraction, where the fuck is Nate?
"Fair enough. Think he's not over the Chuck thing?"
I think about it for a second and shortly after I come to the conclusion that he probably on some level isn't but decide that his alterism is what eats at him more than anything – it dawns on me. It's Serena, he's afraid of hurting her.
"Hmm... it probably is the Chuck thing."
Liar, Liar.
\
Of course we all had plans to make breakfast together the next morning, and of course it takes Nate all of 15 minutes to realize the loud threesome we had last night is not the cause for awkwardness.
He laughs, uproariously at us all. No really, he cries. He laughs so hard that he fucking cries.
We all glare at him.
Serena looks to be holding back tears of her own but they're obviously different.
Dan sees this and reaches out and clutches her hand on the counter and slaps Nate on the shoulder quickly.
"Dude." he hisses while I stare at their clasped hands against the same marble she ate me out on last night.
Nate wheezes something resembling an apology before adding, "Sorry I just don't see the big deal! Don't you all get it? HELLO!? We have all slept with each other! We've seen everything there is to see... and what little we haven't done is just inevitably going to happen at this point isn't it?"
It takes the other two a few seconds to realise what he means, to which Serena blushes happily for exactly two seconds before Dan catches on and drops her hand without looking at her.
I don't know if he was hoping she wouldn't notice but she did.
The next few weeks go by without any noteworthy incidents, I have heard Zach mention that within another month our home will be ready. It's obvious all the tenants of the bungalow are reconsidering the move all together.
But...
There is the now ever present awkward, tense air filling every moment, and every glance. We swing back between trying to find a new rhythm and forth to avoiding each other for different reasons. Dan broods and gets close then pulls away, Nate bounces between being direct and unapologetic to contemplative and observant.
Serena has just not been herself, I am genuinely surprised that she took the other night so poorly. I can't understand why it is Dan, after all this time, managed to get under her skin this easily.
They left things in a purely platonic way years ago, she has dated many times, been engaged (twice), not to mention I'm pretty sure her and Carter may be occasionally hooking up or well on their way to. So... then... why now? All these years later?
Nate and I spend one evening breaking her apart in bed when Dan has a shift at the watchtower. We take her to the edge, over and over again, she fists the sheets, begs and screams until her voice cracks.
But the next day, I can see, even if Nate can't when Dan kisses her cheek goodbye as she is coming in when he leaves for a run – it is not enough.
I would never admit it out loud, but for the first time since our life has been set on this morbid trajectory... there is something I don't want to share with Serena anymore.
/
You run once, maybe twice a week.
You work hard, so you get other exercise, the run is usually to clear your head and blow off steam.
Since walking in on Blair and Serena you now run a minimum of 3 days.
The sexual tension in the house is like a rubber ball in a windowless room. It bounces off every surface, no exit or point of release in sight. There is nowhere safe to go. Sometimes you have moments of weakness and linger but most often you wonder how this happened so suddenly. Just one week ago your biggest concern was that eventually you and Blair might have to have a conversation...as in talking.
Blair and Nate together presented some vague buzzing in your mind, Nate's question on their first night of whether it was dark in your life took on some new weight. Was he asking for you or for them? But nothing seemed pressing, or definitive. Nothing seemed urgent.
Now you feel like there is a clock planted in the center of the bungalow – just ticking away.
On Fridays you run early in the morning, you've just gotten to the road and stretched out your legs and ran maybe 7 paces when you hear your name.
Serena has scurried over. In a sports bra and small shorts.
God save the fucking Queen – why?
You stare dumbly at her for a second then recover asking her what she's doing.
"Would you believe going for a run together?" You frown deeply and then she drops the pretence.
"Ok, we're going to talk about why it is you only touch me when Nate is around."
Well fuck.