Secrets
Part Seven
'Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming'
Marie lay back on her bed, eyes shut, one hand behind her head and one laying across her stomach as she listened to Simple Plan's 'Welcome to My Life', completely spent.
'No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you…'
She snorted, hand reaching over to swipe at the buttons on her CD player to turn it off and rolling over, curled up, eyes open now. Though the lyrics kept playing in her head. "I don't know what it's like? That song could be made for me…" She thought, lips curled in a bitter, angry sneer. Her frustration came out in bursts again as she half- sat up, punching her pillow before she came back down on the bed hard, tucking the pillow back up in an effort to get comfortable. But it was no use.
'Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding…'
Making a low sound in her throat as tears burned her eyelids, Marie punched her pillow again. The scene from last night over and over like a bad movie. Everyone turning their backs on her, Scott's cruel words, everyone turning their backs on her…. Even Logan. Then something hit her like a flash of lightning â€" reckless, impulsive, but sure.
'No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me….
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark…'
Determination set on her face and she leapt up, eyes almost feverishly bright as an angry energy filled her. "Fine," she fumed, They're gonna be like that, they don't want me here, then I won't stay here!" 'To think I've been up here most of the day, sick over this, over them,' she thought in self-disgust. 'As if what happened to me before wasn't enough. The universe couldn't allow me to be able to touch, to have those small summers away, to have that one night, and let me be. It had to have my home destroyed, everyone I cared for taken, be hurt in the process of saving them, find out I'm pregnant and lose control, almost dying the same night!' she ranted.
'To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like….'
The stripe-haired young woman yanked her travel bag out of her closet, slamming it on the bed, and furiously started ripping stuff off her hanger, not caring whether or not she broke them, and shoved them in the bag. All the while muttering, a scowl on her face and her mind so singly focused on her task she didn't notice that stuff was just flying to her now, energy crackling around her as her stolen powers resurfaced.
'No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like…'
Then she felt a kick. As if the small life inside her was trying to get her attention/make itself known before she did something dangerous and got it hurt- or as if it was trying to offer her comfort with its presence. Marie jumped about a foot in the air, eyes almost comically wide. Her hand flew to her stomach, task forgotten. "Holy shit," she breathed. "Holy shit!" This curse came louder- a mix of shock, panic, wonder, and something else. There really was something inside her. "Well, duh," a part of her said sarcastically. "What did you think? You're pregnant. You've known for months." But in her head she quickly tallied the months, mind going back to those dumb lessons in the required health course.
Well, she hadn't really been paying attention (rather, she'd been listening to music on her portable CD player in the back row and drawing aimlessly), but someone she'd previously absorbed had. 'Four months, seems about right,' she thought, chewing the inside of her cheek. Yet she hadn't expected this- it hadn't quite seemed real, despite the weird cravings and puke sessions ('which were mistakenly called "morning" sickness,' she scowled). Not until now. Still, her hand remained on her stomach as she stared down at it, mind shockingly clear, even now almost disbelieving as if demanding, daring it to kick again. But of course it didn't. Staying, as it seemed now, oddly silent. Either satisfied it accomplished its' goal or already defying her- as her own body had done so often before.
Shaking her head, Marie dropped onto the bed next to the travel bag woodenly, just sitting there, thinking. How was she going to do this with a baby? Because she had something, someone, else to worry about now, another little life to take care of. And in a few more month…. She sighed. How long could she/they last on two hundred dollars plus whatever was in her savings? She still had so much to prepare for, so much she needed. And where was she going to go? She didn't think she could 9or wanted to) go to Remy. Besides the lust, and the strange connection they seemed to share (and did she mention the lust?), she wasn't even sure just where they stood, or hoe she really felt. 'Liar!' that one part of her called accusingly.
'You know perfectly well how you feel about him! You love him. Didn't you just admit as much to everyone else? And he loves you! Does he really need to say it out loud?' It brought up Remy's unspoken words in the medlab and bits of his memories along with her own before she could protest its point. "Love," Marie scoffed, looking at the toes of her shoes, not really even able to argue with that voice- with herself. "I don't even know what it is. Not really. Much less what it means. I thought I did once…." For a second she looked wistful, tearful, before the anger returned , fierce as ever. "But that's over now."
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like…"
Sneer back in place, she jumped to her feet again and returned to packing with a vengeance. But a sudden kick made her stop once more. But she wasn't so much shocked this time as she was curious, annoyed really. "What—!" she started with a scowl. She froze. The baby. She still hadn't told Remy. Oh God. What was she going to say! How was he going to react…! She fretted for a moment. Something, some feeling or some little voice, told her he'd be happy- but the same voice also said he'd be furious. If only because she hadn't told him yet, because she left him before, and tried to a second time, all the while knowing. Biting her lip again without even realizing what she was doing, she shook it all off with a harsh reprimandment, frowning at herself.
Why did she care so much? It wasn't supposed to be like this, wasn't supposed to be anything... But it was, a quiet voice interrupted from nowhere. And instantly she felt shamed for thinking she'd run off, especially with his child and no explanation, without him even knowing. She felt ashamed for feeling as she had. But the hardened part came in again. 'He doesn't have to know. Why should he?' The gentler voice entered in again, aghast, Of course he should, he deserves to, think of his feelings. This is way more than a one night stand and far from casual. Which of course the other side argued with. Marie groaned. Look at her. No she was schizophrenic. She was going to tear herself apart, she didn't need all those other voices/personalities. She shook her head to clear it and sighed. The voices stopped.
"Looks like its just me and you baby," she said wryly, quietly, touching a hand to her slightly rounded stomach. She allowed herself a tiny moment of wonder, of tenderness. "Baby." And it was inside her, it was hers. Then there was a soft, answering swish inside her accompanied by a sudden warmth as Remy's image floated to the front of her mind, as if to ask 'what about daddy?' And she tried to push that away too. But something else came to her. With a combinations of Logan's enhanced senses, Jean's telepathy, and her own sharp instincts, she heard/ knew Kitty was coming down the hall towards her room. With Scott, she noted with a low growl. 'Traitor,' a voice inside her hissed.
But before she could decipher that, she suddenly sensed Remy nearing the mansion, breaking in through the main gate, making his way across the grounds, with a new sensitivity. Even without her stolen gifts, she recognized the prickling of the hairs at the back of her neck and her heart seemed to skip a beat, blood hot. Not to mention that certain tightening within her... And it seemed the tiny life inside her sensed its father too, since there was a new fluttering there, like butterfly wings, and soft ripples, movements. 'Remy,' came the inner sigh. Her heart swelled, as though full to bursting. Finding it a bit hard to breathe all of a sudden, she glanced back to her door, then to her balcony again. Something like desperation rose up. Along with a fierce anger.
She could hear Scott's voice speaking to Kitty almost now, and she tuned it out with a hard glance at the solid oak. Her fists clenched, already wanting to get to him. But now was not the time to fight, some voice of reason piped in. Not with Remy a breath away from her and Scott and Kitty just outside. Mind hastily making a decision for her, she grabbed her coat off the desk chair, checking for her wallet, and snatched her travel bag off the bed in one split second. Then she teleported away, a violent wretch inside her as if in protest; an instant before Remy swung in, looking confused and frustrated- and a moment before Scott and Kitty entered, shocked.
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like….
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life.'
Even after Jean had followed him to his room the night before, appalled at his behavior though she agreed with him on most levels, and even after their talk, after she blew him away with her insight/realizations, Scott had found it hard to let go of his anger. He'd found it even harder to let go of his feelings of betrayal and come to terms with what Jean had said/had revealed about him that he hadn't even wanted to admit to himself. Though it still took him until just now to accept that he needed to apologize to Rogue. "Marie." He mentally corrected himself, denying the warmth that stole across him at that. He ran a hand through his hair, ignoring the looks and whispers as he entered the girls wing, passed Jeans' room. But his face tightened in resolve.
"Scott, where are you going!" he heard from behind him, along with footsteps hurrying to catch up. The field leader of the X-men winced at the tone, turning his head slightly to look even though he knew who it was. "Marie's room," he said, though the answer was obvious, stopping. His gaze on her was direct, firm. He was going to do what he had to do with or without her allowance. The brunette's brow eyes narrowed, arms crossed, quick to her friends' defense and placing herself slightly in front of him. As if she was going to stop him. As if she could. He would've found the thought humorous if not for the seriousness of the situation and the fact that this slip of a girl could probably phase his still beating heart out of his chest.
"Scott, don't you think you've done enough?" she asked snidely, warningly, her anger apparent and her normally friendly eyes accusing. That hit him. He sighed, dropping his gaze for a moment before meeting her stare again, face sober. "I was going to apologize." Kitty's frown lessened, but her look was still fierce, expression clearly stating that she didn't think that was good enough. "A little late, don't you think? You know how bad she hurt because of that? A simple apology isn't going to cut it." "Kitty…." Scott started, face pained. He closed his eyes behind his shades, hands clenching and unclenching helplessly, his voice holding a desperate note.
"I was wrong. So wrong. I know that know. I want to try and fix things. I have to try to fix things. And—" She held up a hand with a sigh, as if knowing what that had cost him, as if she had seen/heard what she needed to. "Fine," at his face brightened slightly she cut him off again, "You're not getting off, lightly or otherwise, not with me and likely not with Marie. But it's up to her whether or not she wants to hear her, that choice will be hers alone. But I'm coming with you- if only to make sure you don't make it worse." He opened his mouth again to protest that last remark but gave up. She was right. "Okay," he said, raising his hands, his shoulders in a shrug, a sign of defeat, "Let's go."
But all they found when they got there were lingering hints of sulfur smoke and the Acolyte Marie called Remy in soft tones standing there. After recovering from the shock, Scott was surprised even further at the suddenness and the intensity of his anger, of his hatred. "What're you doing here!" he snapped, fury emanating from him, his eyes blazing behind his shades and his tone harsh. He didn't even sound like himself anymore. But damnit, this was the man Marie had chosen, if only for a night ('a night that extended into something more,' a wicked voice reminded him). This was the man she'd let go of her gift, her secret, for- who she'd allowed to touch her. This when she could've had anyone. When she could've had him….
Remy picked through the mansions defenses in record time and, after learning Marie was back in her old room, headed right for her. He was eager to finish what they had started yesterday, but first to comfort and rage with her about the events of last night- that he'd had to hear from passing students on his way up to her balcony. That really burned him up. (After all- who could do that to his chére?) Of course, he hadn't been able to tell Marie where to reach him if she needed, but still… He'd even waited in the woods for her, taking the chance she might walk by. He was only sorry it had taken him so long to get back here.
Though all he found when he got there was an empty room and what seemed like a trace of foul/acidic smoke in the air. "Chére?" Remy called, stepping away from the balcony doors, head turning to peer into the bathroom, then the closets just in case. He told her he'd return later, when it was safe- surely she couldn't have gone too far? At least he hoped not. He refused to remember her leaving after one of the most amazing nights of his life (and hers, he'd wager), not to mention her rejection when they met up again in battle. Then the sound of talking (more mention of the night before and apologetic tones) reached his ears just before the door swung open. But it wasn't Marie at the Valley girls' side.
He heard a gasp from the girl and then felt an overwhelming wave of anger, along with the girls shock, before it all came out. "What're you doing here!" the team leader practically snarled at him. The Cajun's lip curled, his red-on-black eyes flashing to give him an almost demonic look. "Remy might ask you de same question." He didn't own the other male any answers. Especially ones to stupid questions. He saw something spark in Cyclops' face, emotions flaring, before he eventually said crossly, concisely, "I'm her teammate, and her friend, that's why. I have a right to be here."
"Not much of one, from what I hear," Remy shot out with a slight growl, still wanting to tear the X-man apart for what he did to Marie, for being here in her room (albeit with the feisty looking friend), and wondering why he wasn't. He felt a new mix of pain, shame, and something else from Cyclops' before anger welled again. "Watch it Acolyte." Remy, feeling murderous, now went passed anger to reply smoothing, tauntingly (though every bit as dangerous as before), "What bothers you more- dat Remy be an Acolyte? Or dat you could've had Marie but she passed you up?" From the other male's expression, he knew his wild shot that that something else had been jealously was correct.
Then Kitty, who until now had been silent, spoke up, holding an arm out to prevent the two from taking it any further. "Guys!" she exclaimed. "I suggest you get things in order! While you two are tearing at each other, Marie is gone here—" she waved at all the empty closet hangers and pulled out empty drawers "—and getting further away- likely hurt, confused, and believing nobody cares!" she finished, sending a glare Scott's way. Before he could interrupt saying that he wasn't the only one or that he'd come to rectify that, like Remy was sure he was going to, Kitty continued. "And if anything happens to hurt her or the ba—" she suddenly cut herself off, rage going to embarrassment, eyes widening in realization of what she'd almost said and in front of who.
Now pale, her glance slid to Remy, who didn't know yet, nervous. "The ba—?" Remy asked after a moment of strained silence, seeing the looks Kitty was giving him then the looks she gave Scott. One eyebrow arched, he lifted one hand as if to punctuate his question. Kitty bit his lip and he felt confusion and frustration creep up on him. "Baby," Cyclops spit out, shoving a hand through his hair angrily, teeth clenched. His look was sharp, pained, and almost loathful at the mention. "Her baby… and yours." He finished with obvious disgust, lip curled. Shock hit hard. He didn't care who saw…staring off, unblinking and without a word or movement, as if frozen. But his mind raced. 'His baby! Rogue was pregnant!' Them, 'He was going to be a father! Him!'
And Marie hadn't said a word about it. Unknowingly he stumbled back. But she told them. 'And look what happened,' a voice in the back of his mind said. Then utter confusion and shock melted into a brief but entirely wonderful joy, anticipation, love- and thoughts of Marie, big with his child, his claim staked in the most primitive way, him and her with child in arms. All before a blinding anger bled into the others and became all-consuming. She hadn't told him. She probably had never even intended to. A cold, sick feeling invaded his system. All those chances she'd had…. And no word! Nothing! And she had tried to push him away, keeping her secrets, keeping their child... The thought of losing that, losing her and never seeing her again- while she lived somewhere else with his child and him unknowing.
The cold, sick, empty, feeling intensified and, body shuddering with the horror of it, he let it join with the anger and he exploded- whirling around and knocking a vase off the nearby dresser. He felt more than saw Kitty jump with a gasp at his violent reaction, the emotions radiating almost visibly from him. But, hands clenched into fists that glowed with kinetic energy, blood dripping from a cut on his hand from the impact of the smashing vase, he looked over, gaze falling on Scott. "And you," he hissed, seething, burning up with anger. He glared into the leaders' hateful, surprised eyes as the small gleam of victory over Remy was wiped away. Now, above even all his anger and pain over Marie and all her secrets/ her betrayal, what ruled was his love, his protective instinct, and everything he felt towards the X-men for what they did to Marie.
"You do dis to her! You hurt her, betray her, turn yo' straight-assed back on her and chase her away! Wit' my child!' he was shouting now, having crossed the room in what seemed seconds and holding Cyclops up in the air by the tight grip he had on his sweater. So intense were his feelings, his anger, that he dropped the third tense, accent thickening and words peppered with French expletives, and him sounding all the more dangerous as he charged Scotts' clothes, heating his very skin. He heard Scott choke slightly at that, could feel the temperature rising sharply, and he smiled cruelly, a grim promise in his demon eyes even as Scott reached for his visor to make a deadly but likely necessary shot…
Then he felt, just barely, Kitty pushing hard at him, at them both, shouting, "Stop it! Stop it! Killing each other won't solve anything!" Not giving any hint that he'd heard, not relaxing his grip, Remy just continued to glare at Scott, gaze hard and merciless, letting him see the very edge of his darkness. Scott's fingers flexed on his visor but Remy could almost taste his fear and uncertainty. Then, shooting a glance to the small Valley girl, with a touch of amusement and admiration for her courage and ferocity (however foolish), he let the kinetic energy slid, looking back to Scott with a sound of disgust and muttered French curses before dropping him. The leader landed on his feet, but just barely, stumbling back.
"I'm going to find chére," Remy said with a hateful look at Scott, disregarding Kitty. And, crossing the room again in three long strides, he vaulted over the balcony railing and disappeared. "Oh boy," Kitty whispered, watching the Cajun go. She looked to Scott, "We'd better inform the Professor… and try to find Marie before he does. Not that I agree with you and most of the others on this Acolyte issue." She cast her gaze over Scott. "Nice look, by the way. Now let's go." She strode across the room, reaching the door and swinging it open to enter into the hallway. Scott, brow furrowed over her last comment, glanced down to see that half his shirt and pants were gone, edges charred and cursed loudly. Scowling and vowing that the Cajun would pay, he quickly hurried after his teammate.