Fear and Jealousy

Chapter Seven: A Painful Memory

The next week was the most stressful of Tonks' life to date. Two of her AO's had gone missing whilst on patrol in Swansea, when Remus wasn't avoiding her he looked as though he was going to be sick when he looked at her and on top of all that, Tonks still couldn't morph. No matter how hard she tried, she stayed looking the same, with more of the pink in her hair being replaced with dull brown every day. She'd had to make up some story about being snowed under at work when the Order needed her to go on patrol in disguise. It was really starting to scare her. She had gone to St. Mungo's, but being only the seventh metamorphmagus in a century, they didn't have much up to date information for her. Based on what they could tell her, she only had one option. Tonks needed yet another favour from Snape.

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As Tonks approached Spinner's End, she wondered if she had the right place. She looked up at the drab two-up, two-down. Typical Lancashire, but not typical Snape. She wasn't sure what she had expected, but this looked more like the sort of place Remus would live in. Not that he'd ever let her in.

Tonks knocked on Snape's door and heard a crash somewhere inside, followed by some muffled shouting. Snape opened the door just a crack and peered at his visitor.

"If this is a bad time…"

"Well that depends what you want, doesn't it?" he said. Tonks held up a large bottle of mead.

"Just wanted to give you this, to say sorry for the other night and hopefully thank you in advance for today."

Snape eyed the bottle suspiciously.

"It's good stuff, my uncle makes it," she said. "He sells it at medieval muggle re-enactments."

"I'm not doubting the mead Nymphadora," he clarified, "merely the motive behind it."

"Oh," she said. "Well I've got a pretty big favour to ask, if you'll let me in."

"One moment," he said, and slammed the door in her face. Tonks heard more crashing, and some words she never thought Severus Snape, the man with a vocabulary only beaten by Stephen Fry, would be reduced to using. About a minute later the door opened again.

"If you've got company I could always come back later," Tonks told him.

"No no, it's quite alright," Snape said, stepping aside to let her into the candle-lit room. "Though I would appreciate it if you owled ahead in future."

Snape gestured to the sofa, which looked in a worse state than Tonks'. She sat down beside him. Snape quickly sound-proofed the room with his wand. Tonks was now certain someone else was there, but decided not to press the issue.

"Now, what can I assist you with this time?"

"Well, I don't know if you noticed, but lately I've been having real trouble morphing and frankly it's starting to scare me," she explained, avoiding his eyes and pulling nervously at the cuffs of her fleece shirt.

"I had wondered about the state of your hair, but I'm afraid this is not my area of expertise."

"I know, I would have gone to Dumbledore, but he's done another disappearing act and McGonagall's busy sending owls to all the new first years."

"Then you should try a healer."

"I did. They said there was nothing wrong with me, said it must be psychological. They gave me a list of Legilipsychs at St. Mungo's, but they could be anybody. I don't especially want a Death Eater poking around in my head right now."

"Then I am of no use to you," he said bitterly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"I'm sure you didn't." There was a stony silence.

"It doesn't take a legilimens to figure out what is causing this Nymphadora,"

"I s'pose it doesn't," she admitted. "I just want to know how to get rid of it. I want to know if it's permanent."

"Very well," he said. "Do not fight the spell."

Before Tonks had a chance to nod, she was sent flying back into her memory. She was in Kingsley's office being given the MIA reports. Then further back in time; the department of mysteries, her induction into the Order, her first day as an AO. They watched her life go past in reverse and at speed; her first solo assignment, graduation from Hogwarts, then it slowed down. Tonks and Snape now saw her younger self, alone in her fifth year dormitory. She had an empty bottle of firewhisky in her hand and was trying to morph in front of a mirror. She couldn't do it. They whizzed back to earlier the same day. They watched as Tonks shuffled into the potions classroom and went to take a seat at the back on her own. Her lateness was not overlooked. Snape turned round slowly, while the rest of the class snickered in anticipation, Slytherins and Gryffindors alike. There were only a select few who did not laugh; Charlie Weasley and his friends.

"Ten points from…" The younger Snape began, then stopped, smirking. "Oh I am sorry, if you have been involved in a hideous transfiguration accident I'm sure you can be excused your tardiness."

The class erupted in laughter as Tonks tried to set up for the lesson underneath a mop of short purple dreadlocks. Everyone had known about her ability at Hogwarts, but she rarely used it there. She was distrusted enough as it was, there was no need to add to it. Snape saw the angry look on her face.

"Ah, it was supposed to look like that was it Miss Black?"

"My name's Tonks," she muttered, hiding her head in her cloak.

"Of course it is Miss Black." There was yet more laughter from both houses. Tonks saw red. She stood up, much to Snape's amusement.

"My name is Tonks sir," she yelled. "The Black's are not my family, traitors and cowards the lot of them, but you'd know all about that wouldn't you, sir."

They watched as Tonks ran from the room crying. The dungeon was quickly replaced by Snape's humble living room.

"You've had this problem before?" Snape said, clearly uncomfortable with what he had just seen.

"Huh, I'd forgotten about that," she said staring off into nothing. Blocked it out more likey, Snape thought, feeling more than a little guilty.

"And what did you do to alleviate the situation then?"

"I don't know, I drank, lots, then…" she faltered. "Then I built walls inside my head, pushed everything inside and never let the real me out again. I spent twenty four years building this façade and that bloody pair destroyed it all in a day."

Snape considered putting his arm round her, comforting her, but given what they had both just witnessed he felt he had no right to do that.

"Then perhaps you should start building again," Snape suggested. "But make sure they don't get too high."

"Might take a while, but yea, I have to do it all again." Tonks stood up to leave.

"Nymphadora, don't forget that," Snape cleared his throat. "That if ever you want someone to unleash the real Tonks on, I am here."

"Thanks a lot Sev, I owe you one."

"Two I think you'll find." Snape didn't want to think about how much he owed her.

"You don't miss a thing do you," she chuckled. "Well anytime you need anything…"

"Good night Nymphadora."

"Night Sev," she said.