Woes of a Coward
Chapter Seven
The following night in the library, Hermione felt the presence of someone else near her, and stiffened slightly, looking around. She'd been doing intensive reading on Inferi and taking a numerous amounts of notes, ignoring her hand cramps and the world around her for so long that she was surprised to glance out the window and see that it was dark outside. "I didn't see you at dinner," said an all-too familiar voice, causing her spine to break out in goosebumps.
"Were you looking for me, Malfoy?" She questioned, her stomach suddenly rumbling as though being reminded that it hadn't eaten made it hungry.
He hesitated for a moment, and for the slightest instant she swore she thought that he looked almost nervous, but it was instantly replaced by his usual sneer. "I was just thinking about our Defense Against the Dark Arts project that's due in a few days, and I glanced over at your table and noticed that you were missing. I thought I might find your boyfriend in here, but it seems I was mistaken…Not that I'm upset by that."
Hermione's pulse instantly increased. She knew that Draco was obviously lying. He had to have been looking for her more than just once to realize she hadn't been to dinner at all, and it seemed that he cared about whether or not Ron tended to her feelings. Thoughts of the conversation between her and Astoria replayed in her head and she wondered if the whole thing was true. If maybe Draco did fancy her. It was almost too much to wrap her mind around. "What about our assignment?" She asked, deciding that school work was far more important than anything else that was currently running through her brain.
"This note trade-off thing we do each time we see each other isn't exactly doing any good," Draco said, in a way that made Hermione think he'd been practicing what to say before he said it. "Half the time your notes are the same notes that I've taken and vice-versa – that's not really benefiting us. We have about a week before we have to fight the Inferi and we haven't practiced yet… I was thinking that maybe we should meet up sometime and work on some of those spells."
Hermione blinked, instantly agreeing. "You're right, that's actually a good idea. Do you think Professor Delure would let us practice in his classroom?...No, I don't suppose he would, would he, they sleep in their offices and we'd be far too loud…Hmm…"
Draco seemed to be resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "Well, actually, I was just at the Room of Requirement earlier, to see if it still worked…and it does. The Room of Hidden Things is nothing but a burnt mess, but it seems if you think of anything else it works just fine. So I tried to make it into a room where we could practice casting defensive spells and it did."
Hermione chuckled.
"What's so funny?"
"I bet it would turn into the same room it became when we had our DA meetings in there," she said, picking up her books. "When should we start?"
"Uh…well," Draco began, and turned a little pink, as though he hadn't expected her to agree so easily. "Everyone's going to Hogsmeade tomorrow, so, what about Sunday?"
"Actually, I think I'm skipping this Hogsmeade trip," Hermione said quietly, remembering that Ron had chosen to blow off their date. It still stung quite a bit to be tossed aside so easily.
"Well, why don't we meet up during the trip then? The castle will be nearly deserted so we'll have plenty of privacy, and you won't have to explain where you're disappearing to," Hermione watched him as he completely avoided her eyes, pretending to be really interested in the section of magical cookbooks. She couldn't help but wonder if them being alone together would be a good idea or not. Given the circumstances it seemed as though the smart thing for her to do would be to suggest they practice somewhere out in the open. She feared what might happen if they were shut up in a room by themselves.
"That sounds fine," she finally agreed, shaking all ill thoughts from her head. "Why don't we just meet in that corridor when everyone leaves for the trip?"
Draco looked as though he were about to agree, when suddenly a loud, "Oi!" caused the two of them to jump. Hermione felt her face flush as her boyfriend stormed over to them, his face already red with anger. "Ferret, leave her the hell alone!" He spat, shoving the shorter boy as soon as he neared them.
Draco lost his footing and stumbled into the bookshelf, but otherwise remained collected looking. "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that it was illegal for me to merely converse with her in the library," he spat, venom in his voice.
"We were just discussing our project in Professor Delure's class," Hermione said quickly, rising to her feet to step between the two boys. "He wasn't doing anything, Ron."
Ron looked as her almost as though he felt betrayed, and then shot an evil glance back at Draco. "You just need to watch your back," he said.
"Oh, do I?" Draco snapped, and seemed to be about to continue with his heated words before Hermione grabbed Ron's arm and started to usher him out of the library. She'd never felt so embarrassed before, and couldn't believe Ron had caused such a scene over the two of them simply talking.
Ron shrugged her off angrily as soon as they'd stepped into the corridor. "You know what, Hermione, I've had it!" He cried, attempting to storm off.
"What? Ron!" Hermione practically ran to keep up with his giant strides. "We were just-"
"Discussing your project, yeah, so you claim. I've heard the two of you were getting rather cozy in an abandoned classroom the other day, or is that a farce as well?"
"What on earth are you talking about? Who told you that?"
"That doesn't matter! Look, if you care about our relationship at all, then you'll come with me to Hogsmeade tomorrow. We'll dedicate an entire day to just us, I'll tell the guys to sod off…I don't want to lose you, Hermione. I love you."
She felt dizzy once he'd spoken the words. He'd never said them out loud before, though he'd hinted it plenty, and deep down she knew he felt that way about her. But thinking it and hearing it were two totally different things. She wasn't sure what to do now, what to say. She loved Ron, didn't she? All those years she had wasted crying over him, pining over him, smelling him when she inhaled a love potion, hating her life when he ran off and abandoned her and Harry… How could all of that go away so easily? How could seven years of longing for a person turn into nothing a few months into a relationship?
Ron's face seemed to fall as she took so long to gather her thoughts. He glanced into her eyes for a moment, his blue ones looking defeated and tired, before she spoke. "I love you too, Ron," she said quietly.
He grinned, wrapped his arms around her, and kissed her hard. She let his passion take control of the moment they shared, but her heart wasn't in it. It felt like it was sinking into the pit of her stomach at the moment and flipping around so hard she felt as though she were going to be sick. This was what she wanted, wasn't it? For Ron to come around, to care what she did and want to spend time with her – she'd been wanting this for months.
So why did it feel as though it were too late?
Around the corner Astoria grinned to herself. That was easier than I thought, she mused, before heading to the library to see if Draco was still around.
oOo
Draco had been waiting by the Room of Requirement for a good ten minutes. He'd come a little earlier than he should have, because Pansy and Ralph had apparently broken up the previous evening and she was back to following Draco around like a lost puppy. She'd tried to get him to forgive her by even offering sexual favors, but all it did was make his stomach churn.
He was still in a foul mood because of what had happened yesterday in the library between him and Weasley. He had no idea what caused that stupid git to suddenly snap and go off on him like he'd committed some sort of crime. Draco had almost followed the couple out just to hex the prat when his back was turned but used all of his will-power to resist the urge, and instead hurried out of the library and back to the dungeons, where he retired to his dormitory earlier than usual. He hadn't slept much, however. All he could think about was Weasley and how Granger had agreed to be alone with him in the Room of Requirement the following day. He had a very lucid dream in which the two of them were in his bedroom in Malfoy Manor practicing spells, and she had leaned in to kiss him… Well, he didn't want to think about that right now.
He heard footsteps coming up the stairs and straightened up, running his hands down his shirt to smooth it out, and then leaning against the wall trying to seem bored. His posture slipped when he saw that it wasn't Granger coming towards him, but rather Astoria. She tossed her long dark brown hair over her shoulders and strode up to him, pouty lips wet with gloss he had the urge to lick off. In fact, she looked nicer than usual today, in regular clothes that accentuated her curves as opposed to the school robes he'd grown accustomed to seeing her in. She wore boots that had a heel on them, and he wondered briefly how safe that could be, before he decided it didn't matter, she looked nice regardless.
She was already tall, and with her shoes on she seemed to be almost his height, making him feel as though he were short. When she smiled at him he smiled back out of habit, though he did try to fight it. She annoyed him. He needed to keep remembering that. She was good looking, but that didn't matter once she started talking. "You're not coming to Hogsmeade?" She questioned, blinking at him with her fierce blue-green eyes.
"I…no. I'm actually going to stay and work on my Defense Against the Dark Arts project," he admitted.
"Oh…I just would have thought the Mudblood would be with you, don't you both have that assignment together? And it's Saturday; surely she'd want to be here so you could work on it with some privacy?" The way she spoke almost made him wonder if she'd heard their conversation the previous night.
"She should be here soon."
"Really? I just saw her leaving to go to Hogsmeade with Potter and her redhead boyfriend…look." She motioned for Draco to follow her to the window and pointed down at the crowd that was beginning to leave. Draco glanced around at all of them for awhile, they were hard to tell apart since they all wore heavy winter clothing and hats, but there she was. Standing next to Weasley as though she hadn't made plans elsewhere.
Draco felt himself get angry. He was livid. "Well…" his voice trailed off. He wasn't sure how to turn the conversation around in a way that didn't make him look like a bloody fool, but luckily Astoria saved him.
"My uncle is working at the Hogs Head today, because that Dumbledore bloke is on vacation for a bit. You should come with me, we'll drink some firewhiskey…It'll be on the house," she added, eyes twinkling.
He found himself agreeing before he even thought about what he was agreeing to. "I'll get my coat," he said, and she looped her arm through his and walked with him down to the dungeon.
oOo
Firewhiskey proved to be a bad idea. Draco couldn't remember the last time he'd had anything alcoholic to drink, and because it had been so long he found himself getting sloshed not too many drinks in. At first he and Astoria had been sitting by themselves, but it didn't seem like any time at all had passed before they were joined by Daphne, her boyfriend Stan, two of Astoria's female friends, Ralph, and Pansy. Draco had drank much more than he knew he could handle because he wanted to keep up with the lot of them, who seemed to down each drink as though it were water and still be as composed as they had been when they first arrived.
Draco found himself swaying in his seat and grinning, broadly. Bigger than he could ever remember stretching his cheeks, and feeling genuinely happy. It felt nice to be included with others once again, even if they weren't the kind of people he could ever see himself growing close to. For the first time in what felt like ages he just allowed his mind to shut off and his walls to come down. To just enjoy what was happening and not focus on what had, and what was, and what would.
He felt Astoria's fingers as they teased the hairs on the back of his neck and he felt himself shivering in delight. She seemed unaware of what her hands were doing to him, because she was engrossed in conversation with the darker skinned friend of hers, laughing about something Draco knew nothing about. He avoided glancing in Pansy's direction even though he knew she was shooting him desperate looks; he didn't want anything to ruin his day.
He lifted his mug to finish off his fourth drink when he saw, over the rim, Granger, her boyfriend, Potter, and that other annoying Weasley girl that dated Potter that nobody could stand enter. Draco poured a bit too much of his drink into his mouth, surprised to see them in a pub like the one they were in, and coughed, choking on the amount of liquid that had gone down his throat. Astoria scooted away from him, as though afraid he was about to hurl on her, and then she followed his gaze. He watched her eyes narrow for a moment, her cheeks turn a bit pink, and then it went away so quickly he had half a mind to wonder if he'd just imagined it.
"Seems they let just anyone come in here these days," she said, loudly, obviously wanting to be overheard.
If the Trio had heard the insult, however, they didn't act like it. They were talking about something that seemed to be pretty hilarious, for all of them but Granger were laughing. Since Draco's crowd had apparently lost interest (no need to fight them anymore, most of the Houses just got on and ignored each other these days), and were dedicated to just getting as pissed as possible, Draco took the time to glance back at the brunette. He watched her feign a smile when her boyfriend glanced at her, but saw it fade when he looked away. He wondered if she was feeling back for standing him up, and he hoped she did. If he truly didn't need to work on this assignment with her, he'd stand her up and let her know how it felt, but as he was stuck working with her until Valentine's Day, he knew he'd have to suck it up.
But that didn't mean he would forgive her.
"Why don't we go outside?" Astoria's suggested softly into his ear, causing him to jump.
In all honesty, he wanted anything but to go outside and be alone with her. But given the Trio was sitting closest to the door, he knew that if he walked out with her, that Granger would get a good view of it. And maybe she wouldn't think that she'd stood him up. Maybe she would assume he'd planned on standing her up, and then she'd feel as stupid as he felt. "Alright," he answered, rising to his feet, ignoring how dizzy he felt upon standing, and shrugging on his coat.
She slipped her hand in his, and he took it, if nothing else than to help with his balance, and thought about how soft they were. Too soft, actually. They felt like solid lotion, there was no grip whatsoever. If he were falling, he felt as though his hand would slide right off of them…However, he could think of a few things that they would be good for…
Don't think about that, he warned himself, blinking hard. He was pissed. He didn't want to make a decision he knew he'd regret once he'd sobered up, just because the idea of getting some action. Sure, Astoria was good looking, and he knew guys were beginning to envy him for her interest, but he couldn't possibly enjoy a life with her. She was no better than Pansy, and there was a long list of reasons he was glad to be done with that part of his life.
When they reach Granger's table, he saw her glance up at him and do a double-take. Weasley saw him and glared, but otherwise said nothing. "All right, Hermione?" Astoria question, shooting her a beaming grin, her voice sounding so pleasant Draco almost wondered if they were friends and he had imagined the hostility earlier.
Granger simply nodded, face red, and looked away from them, as though concentrating hard on her butterbeer.
Astoria continued to walk with Draco and lead back into the fierce cold, that pierced his skin, and seemed to have an almost sobering effect. Great, he thought. Now he was outside with her, he'd done what he wanted to do, which was have Granger see him, and he hadn't thought the rest of this out. He hadn't actually wanted to be alone with Astoria, and that was exactly what he'd gotten himself into.
There wasn't much wind, it was just a piercing cold outside, so he couldn't even say the weather was too bad for them to be out long. He knew as well as she did that once they started walking they would warm up, that if they hadn't just been so toasty in the pub that the weather would be fine.
Silently they fell into step together, and he waited for the inevitable conversation. "So, Draco, does it bother you that I asked for Pansy to join us?" Her tone was innocent. She was hard to predict, honestly. He could tell that she was a good liar and manipulator, because if he hadn't already known that she'd purposefully invited Pansy, he might actually assume she hadn't thought anything of it. He felt a wall go up around him. Clearly she wasn't the type of person to get on the bad side of. He'd thought Pansy was bad, but Pansy was at least upfront about it. There was no wondering if she were mad or deliberately doing something... If Pansy was doing something that bothered you, she was doing it deliberately.
"I know it wasn't an accident," he said simply, and he felt her hand twitch in his, and wondered why he was still holding it.
She paused for a moment, and then seemed to shake herself out of it. "Well, I guess that's true… I'll be honest with you. Her and I have a bit of a competition for you going on."
"You don't say," he said flatly.
"It's just a silly thing between girls. Pansy knew I liked you because of my sister, and she has always felt a little threatened by me. When I started at Hogwarts I thought for sure she would hex me anytime she caught me looking at you."
He frowned, a little surprised by her confession. "You liked me…even back then? Why?" Draco wasn't oblivious. He knew he'd come a long way from the scrawny kid he'd been back in the day, with a face only a Mother could truly love. He would cringe at old photographs of himself, and curse anybody who dared to mention it. He knew that was the reason him and Pansy had been together for so long; they had been as equally unattractive with no other prospects so they'd clung together. Sometime in Draco's Fifth year everything had changed, and he'd come into himself, and left Pansy far behind… It was hard to fathom someone as pretty as Astoria, who had always been just as attractive as she was now, wanting him back when she first started, as he was just a Third year and still gawky looking.
She smiled, "I think it was your confidence. You spoke like you had nothing to worry about... Like one day you were going to rule and everyone would be beneath you. Everyone looked to you, especially me."
The bitter question that was on the tip of his tongue to ask was why she still liked him now. He wasn't the person she described anymore. He'd fallen from glory, and hard, at that. There was no longer that appeal.
"I know that person is still in there," she said, as though she'd expected his reaction. "I'll do what I can to bring him back."
At those words he snatched his hand away. "You think I want your help?" He spat, temper rising. "Maybe that's not the person I want to be anymore. Maybe the person I am now is who I'm going to be. So if you can't accept that-"
"Is that why you seem so taken with the Mudblood?" She interrupted, her temper clearly rising as well. "Is she brainwashing you into believing that you have to stoop as low as her-?"
"You know nothing about Granger, alright, so leave her out of this. And you know nothing about me for that matter, either. Everyone seems to be running round thinking that she's put some kind of spell on me –"
"Because the Draco we know wouldn't waste his time even speaking to her. The Draco we know would sit by and let her do all the work and take the glory for it like he'd done in the past. The Draco-"
"But you don't know me!" He cried, realizing how loud his voice had gotten, and had echoed across the buildings they were standing between, causing people to turn and try to find the source of the outburst. "None of you know me. I'm not the person I used to be, and even when I was that person, I didn't want to be him." He wasn't sure why that had slipped out, it must have been the firewhiskey, because that thought alone was one that had only begun to plague him recently. He did wonder if he had been happy before, or simply feigning it.
Astoria simply started at him for a moment, and when she spoke, her voice was soft. "I don't know you, you're right. I want to get to know you. This new person you are, or even the person you become… We're a lot alike, you know. It's like we feel we have to put on a farce, and act like someone we're not, because if we're not the best, then what are we, really?" He stayed silent. He wasn't convinced she wasn't just saying what she thought he wanted to hear. But the way she spoke the words, the tears glittering in her eyes…how he wanted to believe her.
He'd always felt alone, and maybe he wasn't the only one who felt it. Maybe Astoria was being honest, and he was seeing the real side of her now, as opposed to the fake side in the Hogs Head, who tried to seem completely in control.
The alcohol in his system seemed to momentarily take over again, because he found that one moment he was just looking at her, and the next they were mouth to mouth, his hands were everywhere from her sides, to her face, to her hair. He could feel her lip gloss making his lips stick to hers, smell something similar to apples in her hair, taste the firewhiskey on her tongue. Despite himself, he was thoroughly enjoying feeling lips on his that weren't Pansy's. The way Astoria matched his passion felt unbelievably real, and he was too drunk to really be confused. Maybe her words weren't true, maybe she was saying all of it just to get him, but wasn't it enough that she wanted to get him? She knew he had absolutely nothing to offer her, and that seemed to be alright with her.
When they finally broke apart, she smiled at him, and that was when it hit him what'd he'd done. He tried to return her grin, but his was faulty, flickered on for a moment, before turning back off. No, this wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to be with someone he couldn't trust, he didn't want to be with someone who liked revenge. He'd had enough of people mind-fucking him, the Dark Lord was gone. He wanted that part of him that gave into everything like a coward to leave with him. Astoria might be someone his parents would approve of, and someone with connections to get him on at the Ministry and therefore start to repair the damaged Malfoy name, but he didn't know that it would be the right path.
Maybe there could be chemistry, one day, he thought to himself, as she laced her hand with his again and began to walk, wanting them to find a more private area for them to explore each other some more.
In the meantime it couldn't hurt to snog a bit and let loose some built up frustration…right?
oOo
Hermione was crestfallen.
She'd felt awful when she'd left to go with Ron this morning. It had happened so quickly, she hadn't been able to do anything she'd planned. She had gotten up early and gone to have breakfast alone, hoping to see Draco in the Great Hall and explain to him that she needed to reschedule, but he hadn't been there. She'd tried to library and the Owlery as well, to no avail. Around 10 o'clock, the time everyone was starting to meet up, she had been on her way to their meeting point, when Ron had grabbed her and dragged her outside.
She had tried to tell him she would just be a minute longer, but the look he gave her told her that they were going to have a row if she did. "I'm sure Malfoy can manage an afternoon without you," he'd said, his tone sounding jealous and slightly hurt.
"It's not that, Ron, it's just that I did promise him we could work on our Defense Against the Dark Arts project and he's expecting me to be there. If I can just go and let him know that I have other plans-"
"Since when do Malfoy's feelings matter?" He cried. "You don't want him to be upset with you, yeah?"
"It's not that, Ron, you know it's not-"
"Well that's a bit how it sounds," he snarled. "I'm not your keeper, Hermione, if you want to study, then go study." His voice sounded so depressed at that moment that she began to feel bad. "I just though, you know, fresh start and all..."
She took her hand in his and forced a smile. "Alright, you're right. He'll be fine... Let's go."
The scene had continued to replay itself in her head as they'd joined the others and gone shop to shop, finally deciding to visit Aberforth and hang out in the Hogs Head, since it had been awhile since they'd heard from him.
Ginny was describing in great detail how a fellow Gryffindor had fallen asleep in Professor Binn's class and woke up screaming about being out of pudding, causing the group of them, minus Hermione, to bust out laughing, when she felt someone's eyes on the back of her head.
She did a quick glance around the Hogs Head and saw a group of Slytherin's drinking what she presumed to be firewhiskey, an older man who was almost completely covered by his robe, and a lone witch in the corner, far too intoxicated to focus on anything. Assuming it had been Astoria, she returned her attention back to the group beside her, but her thoughts weren't on the conversation.
Instead, she found herself watching Harry and Ginny, how he would smile at her with so much affection she could feel it in her own bones, and watched him twirl strands of her hair around his finger, and she would beam at him, and they would share a small kiss. It made her heart ache. Ron seemed to know how she was feeling, for he moved his chair closer to hers and slung his arm around the back of it, rubbing her shoulders, but it just felt wrong. Seven months ago it would have given her chills, it would have made her smile. But perhaps, and she was starting to realize it now, it was just simply too late for the two of them.
She wouldn't have noticed Draco at all had it not been for Ron's grip on her to suddenly tighten, in what she assumed was an almost possessive gesture. She looked up, and saw herself looking directly into Astoria's blue-green eyes, and then to her hand, that was laced with the boy who for some reason never left her thoughts. "All right, Hermione?" Astoria had said, her voice syrupy sweet, before grinning at Draco and continuing to lead him away.
Despite herself, Hermione watched them go, her dark mood getting successfully worse, though she hadn't thought it could go any lower. So, he'd come to Hogsmead after all. Perhaps he'd planned this entire thing out – to make Hermione blow off having a good time with her friends just to show up with Astoria, who was apparently gloating because they were now an item.
"Astoria and Malfoy, huh?" Ginny said, bringing her back to the present. "Well, I never saw that coming."
"I can't see him with anyone but Parkinson. I've heard Astoria's alright." Harry said, taking another sip of his butterbeer.
Ginny scoffed, "You don't know her, then. I suppose you just fancy her because she's gorgeous?"
"Not half as gorgeous as you," he replied, kissing his girlfriend, who rolled her eyes.
"Oh, please," but she smiled and kissed him back, obviously happy about his answer.
Ron removed his hand from the back of Hermione's chair, and she was very aware that he was studying her face, but she couldn't pretend anymore. She knew if he looked up that her expression would give everything away, and right now she simply couldn't handle doing it.
She tried to hold it together for the remainder of the trip, thinking that she should probably speak to Ron the following day and break it to him gently. He was brooding, however, he'd never been good at hiding his emotions, especially anger. He at least seemed to realize he was putting everyone else in a foul mood, so he wandered away from the group a few different times, just simply saying he had a lot on his mind.
On their walk back to the castle Ginny and Harry held hands and walked near them, but Ron kept his hands in his coat pockets, kicking at rocks on the ground, and not speaking.
"I can't believe Draco and Astoria!" someone cried, causing Hermione to glance up.
Lavender and Parvati. Of course.
"I know! Did you see them outside of Honeydukes? I thought they'd never quit snogging!" Lavender said, and Hermione wondered if it was said as loudly as it was just so she'd overhear. "Astoria is gorgeous. I mean, Draco's a handsome guy and all, but that's all he has going for him right now. How long do you think they'll last?"
"Forever, I'm sure," Parvati replied. "You know he's not engaged or anything, and it's almost time for him to find someone. Malfoy's always marry by 19, and he's only got a year left. All she needs to do is keep him a few more months and that'll be that…"
They continued their conversation, passing by, and after awhile Hermione could no longer hear what they were saying.
Hermione took a deep breath. Maybe she should just let it go. Deep down, she knew she wasn't the girl for him. She knew that even if she could convince him to get over the fact that she wasn't a pureblood that she wouldn't be able to convince his family, and that would come easily for someone like Astoria.
Upon thinking about her, however, Hermione's blood began to boil. Astoria was used to getting what she wanted, and stepping over anyone in the process. Hermione hadn't even begun to fight yet.
Astoria was going to have to try a little harder than that.
A/N: So…it's been a few years lol. I kind of had a lot going on, as in, getting pregnant and having a baby, and then celebrating her first birthday. It was hectic and I wasn't able to do much time writing, but now that she's older it's gotten easier. I just found my outline for this the other day and after re-reading it I decided to pick it up again. I hope that there are still readers out there.
Let me know what you think! :)