3 days. 3 days since Ben died. We've been holed up in our cabin for 2 days, each of us only making small talk, a meaningless and a stupid way of hiding what we really felt. But it was the only way. No one spoke up this time. No one mentioned Ben around camp, at least to our faces. We all knew what they were saying when our backs were turned. Everyone left us alone, to grieve for a lost brother. Or father.
We have seen the kids from Brookland every time Wolf forces us all to get out the door and sloppily march to the mess hall. Of course, they stare at us unsubtly and speak in heightened whispers. They know what happened. They heard. They saw. They saw the indestructible unit fall apart before their eyes, sink into the mud, begging it to swallow them and take them away from their suffering. All from such simple words. They hold no meaning to almost all of them. Almost all. Tom. It's a thought that I think of whenever I have a moment to spare not thinking about Ben. I told Tom about all my missions, I told him all about Ben Daniels. Now if he doesn't know me, thinking I'm dead or alive, I must have seriously doubted my friends IQ. But, the more I think about Tom, I think of the time we spent together. All the laughs, the happiness, the freedom. He felt the same way too. I know it. My 'death' must have been hard on him, but he got used to it. Carried on. He is in denial. He knows it's me; he just doesn't want to believe it. The way he looks at me now. It's like I'm a complete stranger, but also his best friend. He hasn't confronted me though, and he turned down my help about the bullying, which I noted happily, a feeling I thought was long gone, had stopped. The bruises were fading, the cuts disappeared. I feel like I should be glad I will have my friend back, but I can't face him. He will hate me. I left him. I abandoned him. He will never forgive me. Just thinking it makes a tiny pang of loneliness course through my body, making the already vast emptiness in me slightly larger.
I think back to Mrs Jones' last message to me before she stormed back to the helicopter. 'Some things aren't worth fighting for'. What was that supposed to mean? Was she saying that Ben's death was meaningless and the end of him? Anger ricochets inside me, bursting for release, as that thought forms in my mind. Ben is worth fighting for, even if he is dead. It's not the end of him. He lives on through all of us. All of the people who cared for him. A small laugh catches in my throat as I think of how cliché but true that is. There is something else I have thinking about a lot. The only thing that kept me going these past few days. Without it I would have broken down.
"Agent Ben Daniels, or Fox, is unfortunately MIA. Presumed dead."
Presumed dead. Presumed. It's funny how such a little word kept me alive. Ben is MIA. Presumed dead. Presumed does not mean definitely. Not completely dead. Plenty of agents go MIA on missions and come back alive. Not unscathed, but very much alive. It's a tiny argument against everything else. Nothing but that little fact stands against the horrible thoughts that have been running through my brain.
And so, I latch onto that miniscule, sliver of a hope with all the power I can summon up and walk out of the cabin towards the sergeants office,ignoring the stares from the unit, praying that it's enough.
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I thought I would feel even the slightest bit better about teaching the kids now, as the sergeant agreed that I could, after a few days regular training that I also requested, saying that I needed a distraction.
So, why is it that all I feel is plain, daunting dread pumping in my veins like ice? I didn't think that I would ever be afraid of school children, but I suppose there's a first time for everything. I hesitate just outside the training hall door. Should I really be doing this? Will it just put more unnecessary strain on me? The rest of the unit were going to be in tomorrow. They still wanted a bit longer. I just wanted to get this over with, so with H-Unit already teaching, I lightly push open the door and walk inside. All heads turn to me. The kids look extremely nervous while H-Unit give me a sad smile, knowing I'd like to get back into the swing of things and pretend this never happened. Too bad that's impossible. It's only been a week since I found out the news.
"…Everyone, as I'm sure you already know, this is Cub and he is going to…help you continue your training. The rest of K-Unit will be back tomorrow." Raven, the unit leader announces. Raven isn't the nicest at times but, like Wolf, he has a small caring side he shares with his unit. Badger stands rigid behind him, glancing at me with his small eyes, taking in my own posture and complexity. He is a medic after all. Tiger is leaning against the wall next to me, panting, his red hair plastered over his face. He must have just been fighting with Leopard, who was in the same state.
I simply nod at in greeting and stand by Tiger and Leopard. They both shoot me glances and Leopard nudges me softly, gesturing to my body. I shrug and look back towards Raven and Badger, who were in the middle of a heated fight, demonstrating for the class. The class. I turn towards them and scan the crowd for Tom. I see Tony and Hannah sitting next to each other, holding hands, but looking like they were about to jump each other.. Oh God. That is not a good couple. I carry on and find Tom near the front, with Ernie and two girls I recognise as Tess and Ali. They all seem to be watching with interest; Tom doesn't even notice me staring at him, checking him over to make sure he's okay. He twists his head eventually and catches me. I look away quickly, but not before holding his gaze for a second. I'm being so obvious.
Raven won the fight, and was trying to talk while gasping for air.
"Right… so that was how you… you fight, but of course…we are in the SAS, so we don't expect you to be able to do all that… but you should be able to do all the basic movements, which most of you can, and since its almost the end, shall we have one last fight? The winners of our fights?" Raven inclined his head towards Tiger, which he returned, and stepped up to the mat.
"Wait. We've only seen Cub fight once, and he didn't even finish it." Tony spoke up, smiling but with a questioning expression, getting nods of agreement from the class.
"You will speak only when spoken to, understand? If Cub wants to, he is welcome to, but I don't think-"
"No." I reply sharply, staring at Tony.
He raises his hand lazily, waiting, until Raven relents.
"What now?"
"Why won't you fight? You were fine before. Well, until the end." He smirked. Rage threatened to carry me away.
I sigh and realise if I don't agree, he will just keep pestering me with questions and mocking me.
"If I do, will you shut up?" I can hear how worn and tired my voice is and I just want to head back to the cabin and sleep right now, even if the nightmares are back and frequent.
Tony nods mutely and I slowly walk to the mat and wait for Tiger to lunge first.
"Are you sure Cub? You shouldn't do anything yet, you're probably still getting over him."
I whirl around to face Leopard and glare at him. "It's none of your business." I answer jaggedly, and turn back to see Tiger running at me, going for a first leg sweep. I slide out of the way just in time to see him spin around, ready to make another move, when I launch a powerful roundhouse kick which leaves him sprawled on the floor. He quickly recovers and pulls himself off the ground, after only one punch in the stomach. He charges again, and I, starting to tire after a week of little training, don't move in time. He runs me straight into the wall behind us and punches me again and again. I feebly attempt to fight, but my strength has abandoned me. A particularly brutal punch finds its mark over my heart. Over my bullet wound. I see millions of little black spots ridding me of my vision. Not again. But, H-Unit doesn't know about it. I attempt to speak but nothing but pathetic whimpering sounds come out. I feel Badger checking me over, saying comforting things, but eventually his hands press on the bullet wound and finally I black out. The last thing that I see is Tom breaking through the class and running to me, yelling words I can't hear.
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I wake up once again to a scarily familiar sterile ceiling, and turn my head to find the unit, searching expectantly. Of course, they were all there, looking down at me with concern. They were all in the same positions as before, apart from Eagle who was standing.
"Cub, are you okay?" Wolf and Snake ask at the same time. I sigh, exasperated. I look to Eagle and Bear, trying to convey the 'help me' look. But, even though they saw it, they just leant back on the wall to get comfortable, with grins plastered on their faces. This time I mentally sigh. I am at the mercy of the mother-hen of a medic and an overprotective father. Wait. If Snake is the mother, and Wolf is the father, I'm the child… Well that thought will haunt me forever. I shake my head frantically in a stupid attempt to get rid of it.
"Cub? What are you doing? Are you okay? You know you're lucky that it won't bruise, if it did you would be-"
"Snake, calm down, I feel fine. It was just a punch." I try to reason with Snake.
"Just a punch!? Cub, you need to be more careful! You shouldn't have been fighting! Why did you anyway?" Snake's voice rose until it was little less than a shout.
I shrugged sheepishly, "I got verbally bullied into it by Tony..." I said reluctantly.
Silence. "Wow. Wow, Cub. I never thought I would see the day when you would give in to him." Eagle said unbelievingly, while smiling like a maniac.
"I wasn't feeling up to arguing. I still don't so can you guys please calm down a bit?" That sobered everyone up. Apart from Wolf.
"Why didn't H-Unit stop him?" He questioned angrily. "I will kill Tiger when I get my hands on him…" He muttered, but I caught it.
"Wolf. Don't. Raven tried to stop him but we both knew he wouldn't shut up. And Tiger didn't know. No one does." I reasoned half-heartedly.
"Well, now everyone does." Bear spoke up from behind Wolf. "They freaked when they saw it, and will probably be telling the whole camp about it now."
I groan and put my head in my hands. Wolf pats my shoulder.
"Don't worry about them Cub. At least they know not to hit you there again. Come on, the doctor said you could leave once you woke up and they gave you a last check."
As though on cue, Doctor Costello walked into the room, tired and took a few moments to register the sight before him.
"Ah, Cub, you finally woke up. Right then, let's give you a small check-up and you will be free." I smiled slightly from his choice of words, and nodded silently.
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The stares and the glances were increasing day by day, never stopping, always getting more pronounced. I was sick of it. Why can't they just leave me alone? I was contemplating that as we walked into the mess hall, and I pretended to ignore everyone else. But I wasn't. It's hard to ignore. I was tired of it all. Tired of their accusing and questioning looks, mixed in with a few of sympathy and even some pity. Don't they understand? I don't want any of it. That's why I kept it hidden.
As we sat at our usual table, H-Unit strolled over apprehensively. I wasn't surprised to see Tiger step forwards and start apologising profusely. I sighed.
"Tiger, please shut up. I'm fine. It's not your fault so don't beat yourself up about it. I guess I should have told you before we started."
"But I should have noticed something was wrong, when you were against the wall I-"
"I'm scarily good at hiding my pain." I gave him a forced sad smile and he muttered an 'Okay, sorry' and sped off again, the rest of his unit following after rolling their eyes to me.
As I watched their retreating backs, I glimpsed Tom staring at me, and I looked over to him, again I held his gaze, but this time he ripped himself away from me first and stood up, closely followed by some other students including Tony's gang. I couldn't help but feel a small spasm of sadness twang inside me. While the grief over Ben was now a continuously painful, it was an ache, not like an earthquake was rushing through my body, clearing it out to nothing more than hollow remains like the first time. I just realised I will probably have this ache forever, just like with Jack. And I will get used to it.
But not right now. Right now I just feel an overwhelming deep depression wash over me like a giant wave and I stand up abruptly, informing my unit that I'm going for a walk. I forget to take my tray in my rush and before I know it I'm in the woods, up in an old, carefully selected tree not all that far from the base, but far enough for me to be at peace.
How long will it take me to get used to not having Ben, a father and brother by my side when I need him? Too long. I don't want anyone else close to me to be hurt, but I'm just sitting here, moping over Ben, when I could be somewhere, anywhere, to stop anyone from harm. If someone else from K-Unit died, even Bear, I'm sure I would break and fall into an infinite depression, with no way out. I should do something. I need to do something. I need to prevent that from happening. I won't handle it. I won't.
Then I think of something. Sure, I fought tooth and nail for a long time to stop it from happening, but they are so powerful, they have already threated my class. Tom. I can't afford to let any of them get hurt. I was very serious about actually going on the mission Mrs Jones demanded I go on until Ben popped into my head. Again. He wouldn't have wanted me to. It would kill him if I went on any more missions, so I always declined, and Mrs Jones stopped requesting altogether eventually. It was better that way. But it's the opposite now. Everything's switched around. Ben is already dead and Mrs Jones requested another mission. 'Some things aren't worth fighting for' that's what she meant, isn't it? Ben is already dead and there's no point in trying to pretend he is still there. It's a very well concealed point, but it doesn't take away the sting of the words, even if they are extremely true.
No. I won't go crawling back to Mrs Jones and accept the mission. Not because I don't want to, and not because of Bens wishes, but because of her harmful words. Ben isn't the sort of person you can just forget about and throw away like rubbish that isn't needed anymore, something that she does on a daily basis. I don't pretend he is still here. Alive. I know that. He is dead. Long gone. But that doesn't mean I won't forget him. I must act like he is still here. Even if he isn't. Even if it kills me inside. Even if he-
A loud crunch of leaves and twigs, mixed with the horrible sound of flesh hitting flesh breaks me away from my reverie. What's going on? Is someone being attacked? I listen intently while groans of pain emit from somewhere below me. I don't move. I might make noise and be found. What if it's Scorpia? I'll just walk into a trap. But then again, guns and snipers are more Scorpia's style. That rules them out. Thank God. So who is it? I hear a moan from a different voice. So they are fighting back. I don't know what to do. Shall I let it pass on its own? I answer that question almost immediately. No. That's selfish. They sound like they are in lots of pain, and I'm not one to be left out. Besides, what if it's one of K-Unit? I need to help. With that extra spur of encouragement, I scramble down a few braches so I can see through the leaves quite clearly, luckily making no sound. What greets my eyes is a disgusting sight I never want to see ever again.
Tony and his two friends are crowded around a body that is shaking from fear, exhaustion and pain. There are fast-forming bruises on their abdomen, and arms. Their face was left alone apart from a few slaps that would not be seen when this was over, and their head was cowering behind small arms. But even without seeing his face I knew who that was, I could feel the absolute madness and fury blow a storm around within me while my controlled temper shattered to pieces along with all regard for the consequences of what I wanted to do.
It was Tom.
Without a seconds thought or hesitation for my actions, I leaped from the tree and landed on top of one of Tony's friends, knocking him to the ground. I proceeded to knock him out quickly to reach to other two who were quickly scrambling off Tom and onto the floor in fear. I glanced at Tom and saw he was still conscious, but in pain, his eyes squeezed shut. Instead of feeling relief that he didn't look as bad as I thought he would, I felt the same anger transform into pure adrenaline. I grabbed the back of the other follower and after some heavy punches to the face, he left consciousness too. Then, I twisted to see Tony frozen in fear, standing a little way away.
"I don't like bullies."
With that I sprinted at him with such speed I surprised myself, but I couldn't think about that now. I need to cause Tony as much suffering as possible. No one touches my best friend.
I crashed into him and knocked him into a nearby tree with such force that his head was thrown backwards and hit the tree. I pinned him there, seeing if he would try to escape, which he attempted feebly. As I repeatedly hit him, all my pent up anger and sadness over this whole week, about Tom, about everything was let flowing out through me. I must seem a monster to him, but I know that all of my unit would do the same for ones they love. I'm no monster. He is. He deserves this. His face is completely red from the blood rushing to where I punched and smacked him. He will have a lot of bruises soon enough, everywhere. I may have fractured an arm or even a rib, but I can't bring myself to stop. I know I'm going overboard but I can't stop myself.
I hear a soft, pain filled moan from behind me. I manage to finally knock Tony out cold and whirl around, panting, and see Tom leaning in a tree for support, but standing. He is staring directly at me, with a mixture of unidentifiable emotions.
"…Alex?"