Icarus & I

Chapter 7

The All-Nighter, Part 1: Opening Up

We sampled some of Sasha's sandwiches for dinner.

She'd made various kinds- tuna salad, egg salad, peanut butter and jelly, etc. The ingredients being straight from Mrs. Kirschtein's kitchen, I was unsurprised by how incredible the sandwiches tasted. Nevertheless, just based upon the perfect way they were sliced and the pleasing proportions, I guessed that at least half of their deliciousness was born of Sasha's own cooking skills.

They were sparse, however. I was only able to eat one and a half before they were gone completely, and I blamed both Eren and Sasha, who'd been scarfing down one after the other since they'd been served, for my empty stomach. Conny empathetically offered Mikasa and I some snacks he'd kept in his backpack, and we accepted gratefully. When Sasha asked where her share was, we collectively ignored her. I felt guilty doing it, but food is food.

Anyway, things more or less went back to their usual rhythm. Mikasa drove, Eren played his music, I took pictures and wrote in my journal and generally attempted to entertain myself. I ended up missing Marco and Jean more than I'd predicted I would. Whenever I had a funny or interesting idea to share, I would turn, but Marco wouldn't be there to listen. Eren occasionally woke from his nap and argued about music again, but every time I expected Jean to reply heatedly, Sasha's voice came instead, and she fought for country music rather than alternative. I found myself hoping time would pass quickly, so that we'd be back on our way to Trost already.

Still, I had Conny to talk to, and he loved to talk. As a matter of fact, I was confused by how much I enjoyed our conversations. Usually, talkative people annoy me to a certain degree. I often find myself ignoring or patronizing such people more often than not.

I guessed that Conny was different, as I found him, and what he talked about, interesting. There was a lot about him that I didn't understand or couldn't quite sympathize with, so I suppose I seeked to change that fact.

For one thing, his family situation baffled me. Having so many siblings, and all of them being the same gender- I couldn't even imagine what it must have been like.

Fortunately, Conny spared me no detail. To paraphrase, it was different, but it overall wasn't an ideal situation.

"Do you wanna know what my real name is?" he asked, an edge to his voice. He'd been ranting about how far from ideal the situation really was for the past half-hour.

"Sure?" I answered uncertainly.

"It's Constance," he spat. "You know why? 'Cause when my mom was pregnant with me, they were so sure I was gonna be a girl, they named me that before they even checked the gender. But when I turned out to be- you know- not a girl, they went for Connor. Problem with that was that they couldn't. Stop. Calling. Me. Constance. And they just effing named me that!"

"Oh," I said.

"'Oh' is right. You know what's worse? They were always trying to make me wear my sisters' hand-me-downs when they thought it wasn't obvious that they were girl's clothes. But guess what? It was always obvious! I had, like, zero friends in grade school, because kids made fun of me so much. Middle school was better, since I had some friends. And then Sasha came along in eighth grade, and-"

He leaned closer to me, checking to make sure that no one was eavesdropping.

"-don't tell her I said this, but Sasha basically saved my life. Like, she was my first best friend. Ever. I was that one kid who sticks in the group because he has nowhere else to go, who just kind of tags along everywhere, but Sasha kind of gave me an identity in my school. Even to myself. It was really lonely before she moved to Ragako."

I felt myself smile. "It's really lucky that she moved, then, huh?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. I don't really like to think about what life would have been like if she hadn't. It gets, like, confusing."

"Confusing?" That wasn't the word I'd anticipated.

"Well, yeah. Like, it hurts my head. Kind of like those alternate timeline kind of shows. It's like, why even bother?" He scrunched his features as he talked. I didn't mention that those kinds of shows were usually some of my favorites.

"I see what you mean," is what I decided to say instead. Conny seemed like a simple guy. I supposed that complex plots and so forth weren't necessarily up his alley.

"Yeah, so you get it. Anyway, I have her now. To me, that's what's important."

I studied how he looked away as he said it, the slightest of frowns flashing across his face.

As he quickly continued on to other topics, I thought that simplicity suited Conny in a way that it couldn't fit most people, and I took a second to admire that quality before tuning my ears back into the rest of his monologue. The sun went down soon enough.

Sasha busied herself by texting people. And by people, I mean Jean. Probably exclusively. We were only aware of this information because she shared it with us. Constantly.

"Jean says you're the biggest dick he's ever met," she said to Eren, who'd just woken up for what he claimed was the final time. I assumed she'd left out part of the joke, since what she'd shared didn't seem funny enough to share at all.

Eren, who was still a little drowsy, smirked. "Tell him eight inches."

I felt my face flush. Sasha clapped a hand over her gaping mouth and began to text again. Conny snorted so hard I had to hand him a tissue. The van jerked, signaling Mikasa's distress.

"You get one more chance," she spat.

Eren laughed. "Oh, come on, Miks. It was just a joke."

"Well, Eren, I didn't find it all that funny."

"Why not? Sasha and Conny did."

"I'm not Sasha and Conny. Please quit it with these kinds of jokes."

"Why? You've never had a problem with them before."

"Things change. Just stop."

"Fine. Sorry."

As silence ensued, my phone buzzed. It was Eren, as I'd anticipated.

Him: What was that?

Me: I don't know. She sounded like she did the other night.

Him: She did. Do you think I embarrassed her?

Me: Probably.

Him: Crap. What should I do?

Me: Don't act just yet. Let her simmer down, and then, when you get the chance to be alone with her, formally apologize. She'll blow it off, but it'll mean a lot to her.

Him: Alright. But I'm confused.

Me: About what?
Him: How did I embarrass her?

Me: Do you really want to know?

Him: Of course.

I paused, debating whether I should tell him. In the end, I decided that educating Eren in the art of sensitivity was well worth the possible awkwardness of my answer.

Me: Okay. Remember when Jean gave you guys permission?

Him: Uh, yeah? What does that have to do with this?

Me: Sex jokes. She gets upset about sex jokes.

Him: ?

Me: You two are a couple now. There's the possibility of you two having sex. I mean, there always was, but now it's…..well, expected.

Him: But I was just joking. What I said has nothing to do with us as a couple.

Me: Let me put this in perspective. Imagine if Mikasa started joking about, I don't know, her breasts, or sex in general.

Him:

Him: Oh my god, Armin.

Me: Now imagine that you have Mikasa's mind, and you think about things. A lot.

Him: OH MY GOD ARMIN

Me: See?

Him: But what should I do? To keep this from happening again with, like, other stuff.

Me: That's simple. Just red-flag certain topics you know make her uncomfortable, and don't bring them up when she's around.

Him: But what should I red-flag?

Me: Are you serious?

Him: Yes?

Me: You don't know what makes her uncomfortable?

Him: Just things that are obviously photoshopped and forcing her to do things. That's literally it.

Me: Nothing else?

Him: Sex jokes?

Me: Okay. What makes me uncomfortable?

Him: Why?

Me: Just answer.

Him: Alright. Convenience store milk, online chatrooms, strangers brushing against you, swimming in public, metal against ceramic, incorrect grammar and pronunciation and spelling, giant crowds, eating raw cookie dough, when my parents get angry, zit-popping videos, locker rooms, and some other stuff I can't think of right now.

Me: And how long have you known me?

Him: Kindergarten.

Me: And how long have you known Mikasa?

Him: Diapers.

Me: And you don't know what makes her uncomfortable?

Him: Why are you so insistent on this?

Eren was beginning to annoy me.

Me: How can you not know what makes her uncomfortable?

Him: Dude. She never reacts to ANYTHING. If she doesn't like something, she just leaves. And sometimes, she just leaves because she wants to. How am I supposed to know the difference?

Me: Just pay attention to her.

Him: I already pay enough attention!

Me: You know, she goes out of her way to make sure that you have what you need. She's done that since I've known her, and she's never taken a break. Why don't you return the favor, for once in your life?

Him:Why did I even ask you? I should have known you'd just lecture me.

Me: Why DID you ask me? So I could sit back and tell you you're right?

"What the hell, Armin? You know that's not true."

"What's not true?" Mikasa asked.

I sighed. Now she was aware of our conversation. Thanks, Eren.

"If it's not true, then why'd you ask for my help?" I challenged. "It certainly wasn't to hear what I had to say."

He glared at me from the front seat. "Look. I'm glad you gave me advice, because I needed it. But I'm not gonna tolerate you preaching to me, or telling me that I don't pay enough attention to her."

"But you don't!" I objected. The van came to a stop. I noticed that both Sasha and Conny had their earphones in.

Mikasa turned around and stared me down, her eyes flashing.

"What did you say to him?" she asked me.

I took a deep breath, both to avoid getting angry and to clear my head.

"I told him he doesn't pay enough attention to you. And he doesn't. He could name a whole list of things I'm uncomfortable with, but he could only name a few things that you can't stand."

"It's BS," Eren told her. "I totally give you enough attention."

There was a pause. Mikasa hesitated.

"Don't I?" Eren added with less confidence.

This was unfair to her; I shouldn't have put her on the spot like this. I began to regret ever even bringing the subject up. More importantly, I began to hope I was wrong.

Mikasa's lips parted, but no words came out. She glanced from me to Eren and back again, looking as though she couldn't find the words she needed to, like we had them somehow.

Eren grabbed her chin and kissed her. She seemed about as startled as I felt.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'd- I'd never thought about it. I screwed up. I'm so sorry, Miks."

"Don't be," she replied, averting her eyes. "There's nothing to be sorry about. I'm fine."

He insisted,"You're not fine. I'm a dumbass, and that's it."

"Watch your language," she murmured.

Eren scoffed. "My lang- Mikasa, I'm sucking at being your boyfriend, and you want to scold me for my language? You can't express a frickton of sensitivity to something, and then just treat it like it means nothing!"

"Eren, honestly. I'm fine. I'll try to be more tolerant of your cruder jokes."

"But does it bother you?"

"Yes, but-"

"Then I'll stop!"

"There's no need to-"

"Mikasa, do you even know what it means to be in a relationship?"

"Of course I-"

"It's a deal. A partnership. A compromise. Every relationship I've ever been in has ended because someone was being selfish. I'm not going to let this scale tip this time. When you're dating someone, you're supposed to open up and talk to them. So open your mouth and talk to me."

The van jerked forward, causing my head to slam into the headrest.

"I'm driving. It's dark. Don't talk to me."

"But-"

"I'm driving."

My phone buzzed again.

Him: I'm sorry and help.

Me: It's okay, and just let this one lie for now. She'll get over it.

Him: I suck.

Me: You don't.

Him: Just now I sucked.

Me: Not even just now.

Him: A minute ago, I sucked.

Me: You did.

Me: But I'm still your best friend.

Me: And she still loves you.

Me: It'll be okay.

He turned back and offered a worn smile.

Him: I hope so.

The air wasn't too tense in the van, since Sasha and Conny kept Eren and I entertained. They offered up their best jokes and funniest memories, and when they ran out, we returned the favor, though neither Eren's nor my jokes were all that great in comparison to theirs. As a last resort, Sasha asked Jean for some of his best. That affair was, needless to say, a disgrace to the Jaegermobile.

"What's the difference between an elephant and a bad student?" Sasha read.

"What." Eren, Conny, and I all replied in monotonous unison.

"One rarely bites, the other barely writes."

Tortured laughter ensued.

"Want to hear another one?" asked Sasha.

"More, please," Conny droned.

She ignored his tone and did as she was, technically, asked.

"Get this. Deja Moo: the feeling you've heard this bull before."

"I'm getting serious Deja Moo right now," Eren said. We all laughed again, this time with actual feeling. Eren wasn't a guy known for his incredible humor, but it was refreshing to finally hear an actual joke after ten whole minutes of surviving on Jean's.

"What's up with your boyfriend and large mammals, anyway?" asked Conny.

"His name is Jean, I don't really know if he counts as my boyfriend, and it's probably because of where he lives. Like, Texas is known for longhorns and cows and stuff." Sasha shrugged.

"You said you kissed him, right? And you guys said you like each other and blah blah blah. He's your boyfriend."

"I guess when you put it like that….."

"Yeah. Anyway, when are we stopping?"

"Right now, actually," I answered. We were driving into the gas station. "Everyone knows what to get?"

"Gas," said Eren.

"Snacks," answered Sasha.

"Red Bull and/or Monster," said Conny.

"Mikasa'll get the snacks, and-"

"Armin is President of the United Coffee of the Jaegermobile," Conny interrupted.

"Right," I said. "I'm that."

Mikasa pulled up next to the pump, promptly turning off the car and heading to the shop without a glance at any of us. Conny and Sasha were right on her tail, each complaining to the other about how badly they had to pee.

Once they were all out of earshot, I took a seat on the side of the van's hood, watching Eren get the gas pumped.

"She's still mad," he sighed after a short period of silence.

"She'll get over it," I assured him. "And when she does, she'll be ready to open up to you. It'll be good both for you guys as a couple, and for her as a person."

"Thanks," he said. "I just don't get why she can't talk to me."

"You know as well as I do that Mikasa has a complicated idea about using her words."

"Well, yeah, but- like- we're together now. Like, I've always tried to be there for her, but she's been made, like, an official priority to me now. We're supposed to be working on staying in love, bringing out the best in each other. That's what dating is, right? I- I just thought she'd be…...different. I don't know."

I stared at my nails, bitten down to their beds, and my cuticles, chewed off to the point where they stung. "All I can tell you is that no one can force Mikasa to do anything, which you already know. You can't demand things of her and expect to get what you're asking for. Instead, you have to coax things out of her, reason with her calmly. I know that you can do that."

"I can," he said. "But, Armin, what if I just end up freaking her out?"

He looked me in the eye when he asked it. Under the pale lights of the station, he looked much older than he was, like an adult rather than a kid. Yet the panic in his face felt like that of a clueless child.

If I had to describe Eren in one word, it would be caring. I've never known anyone in my entire life who cares as much as he does. He may seem like a laid-back goofball, but in actuality, he's so passionate about so many things that I fear it will tear him apart one day.

You shouldn't invest yourself too deeply into anything. If you do, and that thing goes to pieces, you will, too. But that's how Eren works, especially with the people closest to him. It's to the point where the slightest screw-up in a relationship of any kind will stress him out, if he acknowledges it as his own fault.

Essentially, Eren cares too much. This felt like his and Mikasa's first real conflict as a couple, and it was beginning to eat at him.

I wanted to do something- give him a hug, tousle his hair, something- to help him feel better. But with the exception of with Mikasa, physical affection was rare for me, and I didn't want to make Eren uncomfortable. In the end, all I could offer was my words.

"I'm sure it will work out," I told him.

"I really hope so," he replied. "I don't think anyone knows how much I love her."

I tried to hide my smile. At times, being Eren's best friend was the most annoying thing I could imagine. But there were other times where it was immensely rewarding. This moment, watching him put away the gas pump and hearing his softer side show through, was one of those times.

After all, you can't really like or understand Eren Jaeger until you get an idea of how massive his heart is.

When I entered the shop, Mikasa and Conny were already leaving, their arms full of snacks and drinks. Mikasa snuck a glance at me when she thought I couldn't see her. She looked almost apologetic.

I hoped that was a good omen for what was to come.

It turned out to be neither a good nor bad omen. When we piled back into the van, things remained the same, besides the fact that Eren had taken the wheel. He and Sasha, the only two not-sleepy and not-cautious drivers present, would switch off periodically to keep anyone from losing their stamina (and, more importantly, to cut our chances of driving into a telephone pole by fifty percent).

The possibly positive signs available for me to interpret concerning Eren and Mikasa's issue were that she'd willingly taken the passenger's seat next to him and that she was still wearing his hoodie.

The possibly negative signs were pretty much everything that had indicated an undesirable situation in the first place.

I couldn't tell if Eren had picked up on these signs, but he did try to be tactful about his approach, and I was proud of his effort. I only hoped that he would have the sense to wait until we'd stopped again, or until everyone else was asleep.

Unfortunately, Eren's tact only goes so far. He's an impatient person, especially with his emotions.

"Miks," he said softly. Sasha and Conny took their cue to block us out.

Mikasa ignored him.

"Mikasa."

"What, Eren?"

She was over-enunciating. That was a bad sign. The air thickened in the van once again.

Eren was silent for a moment. I silently applauded him. It wasn't that I hadn't believed him before, but actually seeing him put in such an effort to make nice was almost moving, in a sense. This was really important to him.

"Do you want to play your music?" he finally asked.

This was the right choice.

Her expression flickered- from surprised to soft to smiling.

"Yes. Thanks." She replaced Eren's iPod with her own in the audio jack, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek.

He tried to be funny and turned his face so her lips met his, and it would have been cute, had the car not jerked off the road and my soul not have been lifted from my body.

"Ugh, my teeth."

"Uh, sorry. Sorry, guys."

"How are we going to survive tonight?" Conny asked, shaken.

"Armin?' asked Sasha. "Are you okay?"

"Did you kill Armin?!" Conny yelled.

"We're done," said Mikasa. "I can't continue knowing that our relationship murdered our best friend."

"You're so not funny. Armin, you chill? You a'ight? You Gucci?"

"You just said that," I replied flatly. Eren laughed, and I felt the van trudge back up to the road.

As things rushed back to their usual hum, I thought about how Eren had solved the problem- or, rather, how he hadn't. It was a little odd, seeing him so unconfrontational, but it made sense.

Basically, in avoiding continuing the argument, Eren had chosen peace over resolution. I honestly doubted that any more fighting would have been good, but there had to have been some way to continue his pursual without making Mikasa more uncomfortable.

Still, I supposed he'd made the right decision. And, I reminded myself, it was his decision to make.

A/N: I have a valid excuse.

So I usually write my chapters in my word processor, Open Office. But I shut down my computer when my chapter was done without closing or saving it (due to some urgent circumstances), thinking it would just recover the documents later, like good ol' Word would. But NO. I opened the file, recovered it, and EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. WAS A MOTHER. FRICKING. #.

A WHOLE MONTH OF WORK WAS TURNED INTO ###############. PAGES AND PAGES.

I looked it up to see what was up, what to do, etc. Turns out, it's a screw-up that no one knows how to fix. So I cried (I HAD TWO. CHAPTERS. WRITTEN) and procrastinated in re-writing, because ew I hate re-creating things, especially from memory. So here I am, skipping homework because I'm inspired and guilty, wishing I had a chocolate donut instead of motherfricking black licorice.

Anyway, I know I promised you Sasha and Conny as prominent characters. BUT. I'm a piece of crap, so I procrastinated their development. There're hints dropping at where their main conflict will be, but unfortunately, nothing too deep. Let's be honest- Jean and Marco are special angels of character dynamic and interest. Sasha and Conny are hilarious and relatable and absolutely boss, but…. Hajime Isayama gives me little to work on with these two as characters. Its especially hard to balance with the EreMika issues, which need so desperately to be introduced, overshadowing them.

And don't even get me started on their relatability to Armin.

See, Jean was similar to Eren. To Armin, he was a familiar person. Connection inevitable.

Marco was kind and bright and relatable and wanted very much to be Armin's friend. Connection established immediately.

Sasha and Conny don't have much to go on. If anything, Sasha's more prone to hang around Eren than she is Armin, and while, as it was stated, Armin finds Conny so different that he's intriguing, their mindsets and backgrounds are so different that it would take- ok, nevermind. I have an idea.

These Author's Note things are suppose to be for you guys, but I totally need them to sort out my frazzled, naive little thinker.

All in all, thanks so much for all of your support and how consistent you guys are with feedback. I really hope this chapter was worth the wait (insert doubtful side glance). I really appreciate y'all's patience and your interpretations of the story so far. You don't understand what a toilet bowl this story would be without your responses; they really, really help me.

Finally, because I'm a music-obsessed nerd, I made a mix for this. Hehe. Enjoy, I guess:

/blubick/icarus-i

You guys are literally my inspiration. I really hope you enjoy the next chapter, which should come up pretty soon.