Chapter 7
Sam had been locked in the bathroom since they had gotten back. No words had passed between the brothers since Sam had pulled away. Shakily Sam had disrobed and showered, rubbing his skin raw to rid himself of the feelings that were edging in to rip him apart. That had been painful in every possible way it could have been. His shoulder was aching, his face bruised from hitting the ground and his ass, yeah that very much sucked. He tried to fish through everything in his mind. He wanted to rid himself of the sights and sounds of his brother twisted by that curse. He knew Dean was torturing himself on the other side of the wall. He knew that was his fault. He shouldn't have pushed Dean away, shouldn't have let him sit in silence. Dean could flay his own back apart in penance with nothing but his own thoughts. Sam knew better than leaving him to drown in this. Sam toweled off and opened the door ready to face Dean. He found him on the end of the bed, head in hands. Dean's hands were shaking. There was a glass of whisky mostly gone by his feet. Sam dressed quickly, soft sweat pants and one of Dean's t-shirts. He carefully slipped onto the bed behind his brother, chest pressed to Dean's back, legs on either side of him. He felt Dean flinch at the contact. He pushed the limits and placed his hands on Dean's shoulders leaning into him. Dean tensed at that, yeah he'd have to talk him down on this one. Touch alone wasn't helping.
"Are you going to blame yourself for what the curse did?" Sam knew the answer, Dean blamed himself for everything.
"We had just found this thing between us, just seen how amazing it could feel and then I raped you. I can't stop hearing you scream and feeling you try to get away. Curse or not I can't undo that."
Sam started rubbing Dean's shoulders, fighting hard to release at least a touch of the tension that was wrapped into him. He knew Deans ability to self hate was above much of what he could say.
"Dean, man I'm ok, yeah it sucked but it wasn't rape. I knew it was going to be bad there, we didn't know the curse would do that to you. Still it wasn't rape. I still want you, always have."
"When I heard your dream, it shook me. It was like the idea of this was new, something that had never occurred to me. That wasn't really true Sam. I had just made myself lock that away. It was wrong and I was suppose to protect you, not corrupt you."
"Since when then? Sam kept working the impossible knots in Dean's back.
"You were 13, I was waiting to get in the shower and I heard you. You were clearly working on getting off, you said my name. I couldn't move I just stopped there and listened. I stood there deciding how I felt. When dad found me I was right on the other side of that door doing the same thing you were. He sent you to Pastor Jims for a week, beat the crap out of me and told me he'd kill me if he saw it again. For the next few months he would hardly leave us alone. So I pushed all that down and made sure it was locked so tightly away."
"Dean, you've never hurt me. Dad was wrong for what he did, I've always needed you. I knew it was sick and twisted and I tried to hide it. You have always been this amazing, earth shattering force for me. I fell for you, and it wrecked me. The one person I could never have and you had my heart so completely. I wish Dad could have beat it out of me, it wouldn't have worked though. It's one of the reasons I always felt like war was waged between me and Dad. He'd be the one to keep you away, the only real one that could stop us."
They both sat in their thoughts Sam mapping the expanses of his brothers back with his hands. He felt Dean shift, and his shoulders began to shake. It tore at Sam the way it always had.
"It wouldn't have been like that Sammy, don't you get it. I never needed any of this, I just needed someone to die for. That's what kept me alive, I had to be there to save you. There was nothing Dad could do to take that part of me. He had his crusade, he made mine when he put you in my arms."
Sam's hands stopped, he turned Dean's face so he could see his eyes. He trailed his tears with his fingers. laid soft kisses down the tracks they left behind. He felt Dean calming under his touch this time. Dean raised his hand and palmed Sam's face. Slowly he raised his eyes to meet his brothers, his blood, his everything.
"I don't want to hurt you Sam."
"You could only do that if you say no." Sam said, holding Dean's gaze, his heart pounding.
Dean turned and pressed Sam back onto the bed, his whole body shaking as he climbed above his brother. Leaning down kissing him, lips touching, tears snaking into the kiss. He could taste salt and something so very Sam. He traced his hand down Sam's face. Lightly closing his eyes with his fingers. Leaning forward planting feather light kisses on his eyes, Sam's lashes tickling his chin. He felt a shuddering breath run through Sam, tears making their way down into his hair. Dean raced to kiss them away before they got to their target. "Don't cry Sammy, don't do that."
"I never thought it would be like this, it's like everything snapping into place." Sam shuddered once again.
Dean smiled as he leaned back into a breath taking time freezing kiss. This time rougher, taking Sam's mouth completely. Biting at his lip, stealing his breath. Sam's arms wrapped around Dean, his hips jutting forward, desperate to make contact. Dean met his thrust and reached down running a hand under Sam's shirt. Splaying one hand over Sam's heart as he reached for Sam's pants hem. Slipping below the sweats and boxers. Stroking at the heat between his brothers thighs. Sam was writhing under him, desperate pleas falling from his lips. Dean slipped from his brother, leaving Sam almost whimpering from the loss. Dean made quick work of grabbing a little bottle from his bag and striping. He pulled Sam up and pulled his shirt off, and reached down and in one quick move took Sam's pants and boxers. Carefully he remounted and nudged Sam's legs apart. He could feel Sam's body slightly shaking.
"It's ok Sammy I got you."
He worked Sam's cock with long stokes and tight twist. The noises Sam's making taking his breath. He grabbed the bottle flipping the cap and warming the slick liquid in his palm. Gently he reach low behind Sam, one finger slipping carefully into him. Sam hissed a bit but relaxed almost immediately. Dean amazed at the trust after all that's happened. He worked him open expertly, as his second finger found his way in Sam was electric. He was grabbing Dean back down into a kiss, panting into his mouth. Dean slightly arched his fingers, finding purchase on the spot he was looking for. Sam buck and arched off the bed with a cry.
"Oh God, that, that again." Sam whispered breathlessly.
Dean smirked back into a kiss, repeating the action until Sam was begging. Tears now flowing free from his eyes. Sam clearly so blissed and needy he was unaware he was crying. It shook Dean down to the core. Why hadn't they done this before? He wasn't sure he had ever seen anything so perfect. He hitched Sam's hips up and lined up, entering slowly. Sam's eyes were wide, locked into Deans. Dean must have taken a full minute to fully fill him. He wouldn't hurt him again he knew that much. Sam was pleading for him to move, nails digging into Dean's arms. Dean moved, slow and paced at first, finding rhythm with Sam's hips. It was Sam that picked the pace up, each thrust pulling moans and heavy breaths from him. Dean reached back between them, pumping Sam in tune to the thrusts. Sam came fast and hard, eyes rolling in the back of his head and Dean followed him down. Dean rode out his own bliss and then finally crashed into Sam. Both shaking and panting trying to catch breaths that just wouldn't come. They stayed there, exhausted and wrung out, sleep creeping in on them. Two brothers, one soul.