A/N: Again, thank you so much for your amazing reviews. I had more to say, but it's almost 4am and I need sleep.

Hope you enjoy this one.

Disclaimer: For the millionth time, Castle is not mine.

Of Bars and Secrets

Chapter 7

The days passed by fast and, as much as she missed his touch and the intimacy between them, their heavy case load served to keep her mind occupied. Before she knew it, February was knocking on her door and it was the one month she always dreaded.

She couldn't help that feeling of hollowness and the pain that seemed to come back with a vengeance, tearing at her heart. Every February, for the past eleven years, she felt the exact same way. When the second week rolled around, she was irritable and cranky, snapping at everyone. She tried to tone it down – after all, it wasn't their fault – but it always seemed to get to her. The closer she got to the actual date, the worse she felt. Her boys were used to it by now and just gave her whatever space she needed. They knew it was a hard time for her, even if she had never said a word about it, so they didn't push.

When the fateful day of February 16th finally arrived, Kate was a mess. It seemed to be hitting her harder this year and she knew that part of that was because she was already an emotional mess because of her unresolved situation with Castle. After that paparazzi fiasco, they reverted to the way things were before their first kiss. Or they tried to, at least. There were still those longing looks and lingering touches when no one was around, but they had been so busy solving cases that they hadn't had time to talk about what they were going to do and what their non-relationship meant.

And right now, as she woke up on this dreadful day, she really wished he was there to hold her and tell her that all was right in the world and she didn't have to hurt so much anymore. She was insanely tempted to call him and ask him to come over, but she knew she wasn't in the right frame of mind to talk things out with him. Not today. So she gathered all of her courage and strength and got out of bed to face this day. Luckily, she would be so busy, it would fly by and she wouldn't hurt as much.

Eleven years, she thought as she drove to the precinct an hour later. Eleven years since she had last heard her mother's voice and hugged her goodbye before going back to school. She had been home for the weekend, then, and they had had the best time catching up and Kate had told her all about her new boyfriend and her friends from college. They spent that entire weekend attached at the hip. In hindsight, it was almost as if she had known that that would be the last time she would get to spend with her mom and hear her laugh and take comfort in her arms.

Eleven years and it still felt like it had just happened yesterday. She watched these old videos sometimes, from when she was a kid, just to hear her voice. She was terrified that she would forget what she sounded like one day and was determined to not ever let that happen. As long as she remembered her voice, it didn't feel like she was completely gone.

She had to hold onto that.

It hurt too much to think otherwise.

When Castle walked into the precinct that afternoon, the first thing he noticed was that she wasn't around. It wasn't that she just wasn't sitting at her desk. He somehow knew she wasn't there at all and, since Ryan and Esposito were at their respective desks, he knew something was wrong.

She had been acting uncharacteristically for the past couple of weeks and it was killing him that she wouldn't tell him what was wrong. She had been on a war path – especially for the past week – and people were avoiding her like the plague. He wanted to talk to her and ask her what was going on, but after she told him they should take a break, he didn't want her to feel like he was pushing her.

So when he got to the precinct that afternoon, he just knew that whatever had been wrong in the first place had just gotten worse. He approached Ryan and sat on the chair next to his desk.

"Where's Beckett?" he asked, trying to sound casual. Ryan looked at him, an eyebrow raised.

"Really? You don't know what today is?" he asked in disbelief.

"Wednesday?" Castle shrugged, clueless.

"Try the date, bro." Esposito chimed in.

"February 16th? Am I forgetting someone's birthday?" he asked and the detectives shook their heads.

"I can't believe you don't know, man. Today is the anniversary of her mother's death."

Esposito explained and understanding suddenly dawned on him. Now everything made sense on why she was behaving so strangely lately and he wished she would have told him. He wanted to be there for her, hold her hand and give her some comfort. He knew anything related to her mother's murder was difficult for her and today was probably the hardest.

"Where is she?" he asked again, determined to help ease her day for her.

"She usually takes most of the day off when we don't have a case. She just left about an hour ago so she's probably still at her mom's grave." Ryan told him and he nodded, saving the address on his phone. "I wouldn't go there if I were you, though. Today is a tough day for her. I assume she wants to be alone." He warned Castle, but the writer shook his head.

"She doesn't have to be." He said and got up, thanking the detectives, and headed out.

He hailed a cab in front of the precinct and it took him half an hour to get to the cemetery. He walked around for a few minutes, the ground still covered in snow, until he found her placing a solitary pink rose on her mother's grave. It broke his heart, the way she traced her mom's name slowly, as if savoring whatever she could feel of her presence. He watched her talk quietly, wiping away a tear every few minutes. He decided to give her some privacy. She needed to have that moment with her mother and he didn't want to interrupt.

He leaned against a tree quietly, watching her a few feet away talking to her mom for a few minutes. It was taking all of his discipline to not go there and give her a hug and it all went out the window when she looked up and their eyes met a few minutes later.

The cemetery was covered in white as it usually was this time of the year. Every time Kate walked through this path, she remembered the first time she came here to lay her mom to rest. It had been snowing then and everything looked so beautiful and peaceful that it seemed unnatural that she could feel that searing pain consuming her; she would never see her mom again. To this day, she still couldn't believe it. Sometimes it felt like her mother was just away travelling and would come back soon. It still took her breath away when reality came crashing down.

Today was one of those days.

It seemed more real when she was here, standing by her grave, tracing her beautiful name on that stone. Beloved wife and mother. She traced the words slowly with her gloved fingers, feeling her chest tighten and the tears threatening to fall.

"Hi, mom." She whispered to the wind and her breath came out in a cloud of white. "I miss you so much." She wiped away a solitary tear that ran down her cheek. "I wish you were here. There's so much I want to tell you. So much I can't talk to dad about. It's been a rather eventful year." She said with a small smile. "My apartment blew up." She swallowed hard, before continuing. "Castle saved me. He…I don't know, it's always been complicated with him. But he cares about me, maybe more than he should. And I care about him too. It scares me, mom. I don't know what to do. I wish you were here."

She let out a shaky sigh and looked around. He was standing about twenty feet from her, leaning against a tree. She felt like she should be surprised, but deep down, she wasn't. Right then, it felt like everything came crashing down on her. The emotional rollercoaster that she had embarked on the year before seemed to take a sudden turn and she felt overwhelmed by all those feelings running through her at once. Her apartment blowing up, Castle leaving with Gina, Josh, her strange connection with Castle, their unresolved relationship, the paparazzi, her mom. It all became too much and she only noticed she was actually crying when he was suddenly in front of her gently wiping away her tears with his thumb.

She tried to get herself under control, but he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her to him, which only caused more tears to fall. She hid her face in the crook of his neck and wrapped her arms around his waist tightly, as if he was her lifeline. He whispered soothing words in her ear and let her cry for as long as she needed.

It felt like an eternity later, that she finally felt somewhat in control of her emotions. She placed a soft kiss to his neck.

"Thank you." She whispered against his skin, still holding onto him tightly.

"You don't have to thank me." He told her softly. "I didn't want you to be alone today." He whispered and kissed her hair, rubbing soothing circles on her back.

"How did you find me?" she asked, leaning back just enough to look at him.

"Esposito and Ryan. I hadn't realized what today was and they told me. I'm sorry." He apologized and she shook her head, before tucking it in the crook of his neck again.

"Don't be." She mumbled, nuzzling against his skin. "I just miss her, you know? So much."

"I know." He said and they were quiet for a moment. It started snowing again.

"I'm glad you're here." She whispered after a while, leaning back again to look at him. He touched her cheek, the tenderness in his eyes almost too much for her to bear.

"So am I." he smiled and placed a kiss on her forehead softly. "Are you ready to go or do you want to stay a bit longer?"

"We should go. I already told her everything I wanted." She interlaced her fingers with his and turned back to the grave. "Bye, mom. I love you so much." She whispered and wiped a stubborn tear away.

They walked in silence back to her car, her hand never leaving his. She felt exhausted all of a sudden and all she wanted to do was go home and crawl under her covers. He was surprised when she handed him the keys; she really didn't feel up to driving and was incredibly glad that he was there with her. They still needed to talk, but it could wait. Right now, she just wanted to take comfort in his presence. The paparazzi had left them alone after a couple of weeks and she was tentatively hoping for things to get back on track for them. She had missed him.

When they finally arrived at her apartment, Castle walked her to her door and she leaned in to press a soft, almost innocent kiss to his lips.

"Can you stay for a bit?" she asked shyly. He smiled at her and nodded, following her into the apartment. "Make yourself at home. I'm just going to go change into something more comfortable."

"Do you want some tea?" he asked when she was on her way to the bedroom. She looked back at him and nodded gratefully.

A few minutes passed until she came back wearing a pair of yoga pants, socks and a NYPD hoodie. Castle was sitting on the couch, two mugs on the coffee table. She smiled at him and grabbed hers, sipping the chamomile tea.

"What do you feel like watching?" she asked, turning on the TV.

"Whatever you want. I'm not picky." He answered, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

She leaned against him willingly and finished her tea. She ended up settling for a romantic comedy, but her mind wasn't really paying attention. She was so exhausted that she didn't want to think about anything and Castle was proving to be an excellent pillow. She put her mug back on the coffee table and returned to their previous position, this time throwing an arm around his waist.

"Thank you for today." She said after a while and he looked down at her.

"You're welcome, Kate."

He leaned in and gave her a lingering kiss, which she savored every second of. They pulled apart after a few seconds, and she rested her head on his shoulder again. The last thing she thought of was that they were going to be okay.

Then she fell asleep.

I feel like I could end the story here, but I'm not sure. What do you guys think? Tell me all about it when you review.