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Chapter 7 - To be the sad man behind blue eyes
EPOV
I'm dreaming, right? Am I hearing him right, he wants me? A huge smile over takes my face and before he can change his mind I nod so that he will continue. I hear him gasp and he stares at me for a second. I think I see his eyes glaze over but just as soon the pain is back and he looks down. He takes his hand out of mine. He sits back and pulls his legs to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. He lets his head fall to the back of the couch, closes his eyes and sighs.
"No one knows I am gay. Well except a few guys in Portland, and you. I've been hiding who I am from everyone I've known since I was fifteen. Being raised in Texas, just outside of Houston, with a pretty religious family makes it hard on a boy who just realized he was gay. That sort of thing wasn't tolerated, so said my father anyways."
Listening to Jasper tell his story was breaking my heart. By now he was laying his head on his knees and facing me. He stopped for a moment and closed his eyes. A crease formed on his brow.
"I remember one day he and I went to Houston to buy some new plowing equipment for the farm. I was only fourteen at the time. We went to a hardware store to get what we needed and as we walked up to the door to go in, a couple walked by holding hands. It was two men, and they looked so happy together, like there was nothing else in the world but each other. What I remember most is what my father said when they were too far away to hear him. Faggots. Did you see them Jasper? Two men together just isn't right. It's unnatural, an abomination. They will burn in hell for their sins. I didn't understand how he could be right, how such obvious love could be wrong. But he was my father and I looked up to him. I believed everything he told me."
He opened his eyes and looked at me. I could see the pain from the memory, reliving the moment that has kept him in hiding for years.
"I didn't believe I was gay at first, writing it off as a fluke. I didn't want to believe it so I tried everything to prove to myself that I was attracted to girls. Nothing worked. After I gave up and accepted that I only got it up for boys, I realized that I could never tell anyone. My family would hate me; no one would want to be around someone who was gay, a sinner. They would have abandoned me, kicked me out, and stopped loving me. All of my friends would have done the same thing. And being in such a small town, everyone would have found out."
At this point, tears start to fall and soak into his jeans. I scoot closer to him and start rubbing circles in his back, letting him know that I'm there and he continues.
"I never told anyone because I couldn't bear to loose my family. They are the only ones who love me and I couldn't bear to loose them. I was glad that I decided to go to UW for college. I hoped that being so far away from Texas would allow me to be more myself. I knew I still could never come out, not with Rose here too. If I had a relationship I would never be able to hide it from her. She knows me too well and would notice. I didn't have it in me to move somewhere else. I was already so far away from my parents, Rose was all I had. If she ever found out, I'm sure she would tell our parents and then I would have no one."
I continue to rub his back while he talks, hoping that it is comforting. I don't know much about his parents, but what I've learned about Rose this last week makes it hard to believe she would cast him out like he thinks she would. Rose loves him unconditionally and seems to only want him to be happy. Does he not see that?
"I've been so alone for so long, Edward. But I never thought that it was worth it to give up my family for relationships that probably wouldn't last anyways. Not that I gave anyone the chance to get close enough to me to have one. But you have been different. For the first time I've doubted my decision to hide and wondering if a relationship would be such a bad thing. I can't stop thinking about you, hoping that you keep coming to watch me play so I can see you again. I don't know how to explain the way I have been feeling lately, but I've never felt this way before and I'm not sure I am ready for it to go away."
I look at him when he is through talking. Behind those blue eyes I can still see so much pain, but in the furthest corner I catch a glimmer of hope. It's barely there, but it's enough.
JPOV
"Jasper, I don't want to let it go either. I think we could have something special, something real. We barely know each other and I feel more connected to you than anyone I've ever been with. Every relationship I have had seemed to be going nowhere. The one that ended right before I moved here left me feeling hopeless.
The man I was with cheated on me, with another woman. I realized later that it wouldn't have worked out anyways, but it still broke me and left me thinking that there was no one out there for me. But Jazz, this feeling that I have when I am with you has given me hope again. No one has consumed my thoughts like you have or made me feel the way I do. I don't want that to disappear and I'm afraid if I let you go I will never get it back."
My poor angel, so broken and alone. How did I not see it before? All this time I've been worried about how this will affect my life, I never saw what it would do to him. I want to be there for him, but I am still so afraid to loose my family. "Edward, I… I want to be with you. I'm just scared. I don't know if I can be who you want me to be. I don't think I would be able to go public with a relationship."
He looked away for a few moments, mulling something over in his mind. He looked back at me with more hope than I had seen in his beautiful green eyes so far. "What if we kept our relationship hidden for now? We could just hang out together as friends if we are out in public and keep the relationship at home. It would give us the chance to see if this is real and if we want to pursue something more long term."
I've tried considering this, but kept coming to the same problem. Would it be fair for him to hide who he is just to be with me? It was his idea though, so he must have considered what it would mean for him to do this. "Edward, are you sure that you would want to go back in to the closet, so to speak, just to be with me?"
He closes his eyes and I panic a little. Maybe he didn't think about that. Maybe he is regretting his suggestion. He opens his eyes again and they seem to be burning brighter, staring right into me. "I have never been more positive about anything in my life. I want this, Jasper, and I am willing to do anything to be with you."
I can't help the hope that surges inside of me. I smile at him and that cause my favorite smile to grace his face. I lean in to kiss him again. He lets out a small moan when our lips touch. It urges me on and I let my legs go so that he can pull me closer to him. His arms wrap around my waist and I feel his fingers dig into my back causing me to gasp. He takes the opportunity and slips his tongue between my lips causing me to let out a whimper. He tastes amazing. My hands slide into his hair, gripping it to pull him further into me and I climb onto his lap. I can't get enough of him, I can't get close enough.
We are both in need of air, so I pull back from the kiss to breathe. He doesn't seem ready to stop and continues to kiss along my jaw and down the left side of my neck. I feel his fingers running along the hem of my shirt, so I lift my arms letting him take it off and throw it on the floor. I pull his up and off too and crush my chest against his. I can feel that tingling sensation everywhere we touch and I've never felt more alive. I bury my face in his neck and breathe him in, letting his scent completely consume me.
He continues his path down my neck, licking and nipping along the way. It feels amazing, and sends shivers down my spine. He finds a spot on my shoulder that he likes and gives it more attention. His kissing turns into sucking, then some light biting and licking to sooth the spot. He pulls back a little to look at his work. There is probably a mark there, but my shirt will cover it. I hear a content sigh as he whispers "Mine."
At first I don't think I hear him right, but when I look at him I know he said it. And I know it is completely true. I have been his since the moment I met his eyes that first night. It has only been a week but he already has my heart. This is going to be hard, but I want to make it work. I need to be with him. I press my lips to his for a quick soft kiss and then touch my forehead to his. "Yours."
AN: Woot… another chapter down and thanks to my beta Dreamingpoet1988 for being super fast! I really appreciate all the reviews I have been getting. I enjoy writing it more knowing that ya'll are enjoying reading it. Let me know what you think…