Chapter 7: Dark Angel

Edward's POV

The instant that Bella's pulse picked up its pace, I realized that Jasper's influence over me was not as strong as I had hoped it to be. My unconscious reaction to its change in tempo left me stunned as it had managed to break through the calming barrier that was meant to restrain me. The intense rush of her blood coursing through her body, raising her temperature a fraction of degree was sufficient enough to cause a sudden flow of venom in my mouth. It wasn't much, but it was enough to coat my tongue with its unwanted bitter flavor, spurring my subconscious nature to act on its impulse to feed.

Though the urge was merely a whispered suggestion, I couldn't risk ignoring even the slightest hint of a threatening response within me. I locked my jaws together preventatively and swallowed the acidic fluid, defying the compulsion.

The lingering taste of it in the back of my mouth angered me. Not since the first time I met Bella did I have such little control over this kind of reaction in me. Since we had been together I had been able to resist my natural instinct around her, and now it was like I was back at square one.

The bathroom at the end of the hallway served as a quick refuge as I tightened my metaphoric shackles. It frustrated me that I needed to walk away from Bella, especially when I had managed to remind myself that she was the one thing that justified my existence. I refused to crumble due to the sound of my love's heart. It was the most beautiful sound in the world to me, but now I was petrified that the fluttering of her heart would become my doom as much as it served as my saving grace. Bella was my angel, but with black wings.

I slipped out of my wet jeans and tossed them into the bathtub. After pulling on the dry pair, I glared at myself in the mirror over the sink, gripping onto the edge of the bathroom counter with both hands, and wondered how Bella could still be attracted to this... killer. She would love me, 'no matter what happens', she had said. I really wanted to believe her, but the lengths to which I would go to in order to make sure that she remained safe scared even myself. I would gladly suffer the guilt of slaying a thousand innocent lives if it meant preventing her doom, but I couldn't tell for sure where the limits of her understanding and acceptance would peak. I hoped I never had to find out. But as long as it kept her alive, I would paint my soul black, if I even had one left to destroy.

A popping sound broke my train of thought, and I looked down to realize that I had caused the ceramic tiling to crack beneath my grasp. Releasing my grip, I brushed the dust from my hands on the sides of my pant legs and walked back into the hallway, pausing just outside the bathroom door.

I listened for warnings from Alice; waited to see if my entire family would rush upstairs to restrain me from attacking Bella... but nothing of the sort occurred. My insecurities were apparently the only thing stopping me from walking back into my room. However, I needed to know for sure... I shut my eyes and dared to search for the crimson glare inside of me. Maybe it was Jasper's doing, but I suddenly felt nothing but an odd calmness; saw nothing but black.

The monster was sleeping.

Parting my eyelids again, I stared at my open door at the end of the hallway. The heartbeat inside that had begun to torture me had finally returned to its slow and steady rhythm. Throwing the hood of my sweatshirt over my head, I slowly headed back toward to my bedroom. I didn't want to run from Bella anymore, but I needed to figure out how to keep her safe, yet keep her in my arms at the same time.

I needed to tell her, everything, and depending on how she would take it, perhaps she would determine the solution for me.

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Bella's POV

Edward returned a few minutes later with his hood pulled over the top of his head and his arms folded protectively in front of his chest. It was quite clear that he didn't want me staring at his body. I frowned at his strange body language. That, and the sight of his head covered in a hood made me uneasy. I'd seen enough cloaked creatures for the day. I peered at him questioningly and decided to wait for him to initiate the conversation, hopefully with the explanation of why he had stormed out of the room earlier.

He immediately took a seat on the floor beside me, close enough so that our shoulders were touching, for which I was thankful for. Pulling his knees into his chest like I had mine, Edward dangled his arms over his knees, crossed his wrists over one another, and interlocked his fingers. Slowly turning his head toward me, the amber eyes that peeked out from beneath his hood were full of doubt, and I held my breath as he continued to stare, seemingly studying my face for a reason unknown to me.

I self-consciously tucked my bottom lip under my teeth which finally caused him to blink, and I strangely felt ashamed that I caused a disturbance to break his encapsulating gaze.

"Are you afraid of me, Bella?" he asked suddenly, worry heavy in his voice.

I frowned and shook my head. "Of course not." My held breath rushed out as I replied and I hoped that it didn't make me sound dishonest. Sliding my right foot underneath my left leg, I turned my body toward his and reassuringly placed my hand on top of his left arm.

Edward pressed his lips into a thin line and lowered his eyes to my touch. "Well, I think I am afraid of you," he whispered almost too low for me to hear.

Surprised at his confession, I began to retract my hand but he quickly placed his own over mine, stilling it against him in a firm icy grasp. "No, don't let go," he requested softly, his eyes meeting mine again. "Just let me explain, okay?"

I nodded, intrigued by how the tense muscles in his jaw contradicted the softness of his tone. I watched his expression change as his thoughts visibly played out in his mind before he began to reveal them to me. My breath found itself trapped again as I waited in anticipation.

"I am afraid of this..." he said, cautiously slipping his fingers underneath my hand to the inside of my wrist. "...your pulse." I could feel my heartbeat begin to quicken as if his touch flipped a switch. My eyes flitted to his jawline again as I noticed it clench in response. He eased his grip and gently placed my hand back into my own lap as I watched curiously.

"Why?" It came out as a whisper. I cleared my throat before I continued, though my voice was only a touch louder than before. "Edward, what's going on with you?" I searched for the answers in his somber gaze, wishing for a way for me to understand without having him explain, as the words he spoke clearly caused him pain.

He slowly lowered his hood back behind him and combed his fingers through his damp copper hair. "I'm going to tell you everything. Everything," he repeated the word with deliberate emphasis, causing the tiny hairs on my arms to stand on end. "As difficult as it is for me to say, you need to know."

I nodded, urging him to continue. My words kept themselves muted behind my lips.

"Did Alice tell you anything about what happened with... Ethan?" he asked, hesitant to say the name of the boy.

"No," I replied softly. I didn't know any of the details, just that Edward had killed this boy in order to have my life spared. And that there was blood. Lots of blood. I shivered, thinking of the stained clothes that I had hidden in my truck, wondering for the first time how they had gotten that way. For Edward's sake, I tried to will my heart to slow its furious hammering. Whatever the reason was for his discomfort regarding it would be revealed shortly.

"Ethan was at the campsite today when I killed Victoria," Edward began, his voice low and monotonous. "He saw everything that no humans should be aware of, and Jane found out about him before I could help him get away. She wanted to have her fun, so she insisted that I... take care of him. If I refused, your life would have been ended in his place. My decision was simple," he explained, wrapping up what happened with the basic facts.

Jane. I shuddered at the mention of the name and couldn't help but assume how she must have went about insisting her demands upon Edward. The memories of her using her unique abilities to torture him in Volterra still had yet to fade in my mind. I felt ill.

Edward paused, staring at the wall in front of him with a far-off look as if he was watching what had happened take place again before his eyes. My forehead crinkled as my thoughts began to race with the possibilities of how exactly he had 'taken care' of Ethan, but I didn't dare interrupt him to find out. I assumed that he hadn't been forced to feast on the blood of that poor boy, otherwise his eyes would have been red if that were the case. When I saw him in the clearing they had been dark with no discernible pupils. Jet black... and hungry.

Resting his arms on his knees again, Edward cradled his elbows in his palms, keeping his eyes averted from mine. I licked my lips nervously as I waited for him to continue.

"I wanted it to be quick. I thought, if I just bit deep enough he would die fairly quickly, but the second his blood washed over my tongue... I wasn't prepared for the reaction that I would actually... enjoy... the taste," He admitted as he recalled what happened. "The urge to swallow was so primal, and I was so horrified with my instincts that I made myself pull away from him. And because I did, the wound bled out slowly, and he was suffering — gasping for air, choking and coughing on the blood in his throat..."

I couldn't help it as my eyes widened at the vivid imagery he painted, surprised that he managed to get himself to describe what happened with so much detail. I realized that he needed me to know exactly what happened. He needed to confess as much as he needed to be honest with me, and I couldn't help but feel like he was searching for my judgement.

"Then that sadistic bitch had the nerve to laugh!" he continued, speaking angrily through gritted teeth. "I was already giving her what she wanted by killing him, I didn't want her to enjoy the added fact that he was suffering in my arms..."

He sighed loudly and became silent again for a few moments, leaving me in suspense. His expression reverted to an emotionless state and his entire body became very still. I was afraid to breathe.

"I can still hear the snap from when I broke his neck," he uttered suddenly, his ghostly stare locked ahead of him.

His abrupt confession stole what was left of my breath.

His head turned toward me just a fraction of an inch before his eyes followed it to meet mine.

I only realized the tear that had fallen from the corner of my eye when the thin hot stream burned my cheek as it rolled down my face. "I'm so sorry, Edward." I whispered, my heart aching for what he had been forced to carry out. Even knowing the horrid details, fear was not among the emotions running through me.

"I did it for you, Bella," he justified.

"I know, and I'm so sorry that you had to do that."

He frowned like what I had said upset him. "I'm not!" he said ardently. "Not for the reason that it was to save you," he added.

He turned his body to face me and looked intently into my eyes, wiping the wet streak on my cheek with the palm of his right hand then held my chin gently between his thumb and forefinger. "I need you to know that you're the most important thing in my life and I would do anything to protect you. If I have to kill a thousand people to keep you safe... then I will."

I nodded in understanding. "I love you, Edward," I said, hoping the declaration would convey that I could never fear him or think less of him for what he had done. I then leaned forward automatically to press my lips against his. I felt his body retreat slightly at first. He submitted and tentatively kissed me back, but I could tell that something was off. Something wasn't right.

Edward understandingly had always insisted that our physical affection not get too carried away, but the way we just kissed did not justify his initial reaction. In fact, the way he had kissed me earlier when he had greeted me had been more heated than this chaste display of my love. I pulled my head back to look at him, my focus darting back and forth questioningly between each of his liquid-topaz-colored eyes.

"There's more, isn't there?" I implored, realizing that what he told me still did not explain why he was afraid of my pulse.

Edward's cool touch slid slowly off my chin and he nodded, looking as though he were fighting with himself whether or not to reveal any further details. He dropped his knee to the ground and raised himself up on both feet, standing to his full height. I had to crane my neck to keep eye-contact with him. Licking his lips, he looked down at me and nodded once.

"Yes, there is."

"Alice said that I should be careful around you," I offered, assuming that Edward would have known.

"You should be," Edward agreed.

I huffed and stood up as well. "Why? You wouldn't hurt me! You know this too, right?" I refuted, unable to suppress my annoyance at the fact that I was clearly the only one with any faith in his restraint.

Edward's fists clenched tightly at his sides for a moment, then relaxed. "I know I wouldn't. Never. But the truth, Bella, is that I'm not myself," he replied, and turned from me. He began pacing in his bedroom as I silently watched him, unsure of how to respond to his statement. He stopped beside his window, looking outward. With the lights turned on in his bedroom, it looked like a mirror casting his reflection back directly in front of him.

"I think something happened to me," Edward said ominously, watching me through the reflection in the window.

The ice in his tone sent chills down my spine. "What do you mean?" I asked, my gaze darting between both Edwards.

He turned his head to look directly at me again, his eyes growing sad as he silently deliberated for a short moment before he began to explain.

"There's something inside of me. Something dark; evil. It's always been there, I suppose. It makes us who we are; vampires, I mean," he clarified. "By drinking animal blood, we keep that part of ourselves tamed. Think of me like a monster on a leash."

I grimaced at the analogy. I hated when he referred to himself as a monster.

Edward ignored my reaction and continued his explanation. "I think tasting Ethan's blood spilled acid on the chain and I'm scared to death that it will eventually eat its way completely through it. Jasper could sense it right away and that's why he took me hunting. Bella, you can't fathom how much it scares me to know that I could possibly lose control and hurt you. If that happened, and you were anywhere near me…"

He stared at me trying to gage my reaction, though I wasn't sure what was being displayed on my face.

"All I can think of, is blood," Edward uttered, pain apparent in each of the words he spoke. He slowly started walking back toward me, his eyes despondent and unthreatening. I watched him curiously as he approached me, realizing how hard it must be for him to voice his confession. It seemed as though he thought I might cower from him by the way he carefully reached out for my hand, but I lifted it willingly toward him. Turning my palm face-up, he lightly stroked the inside of my wrist with the pad of his thumb, and I watched, unafraid, as he studied it. "That's why this scares me," he whispered as my pulse quivered beneath his touch.

I placed my free hand over his to envelope it between both of mine and he looked up from my wrist to meet my gaze. "Edward, you've craved my blood since the day we first met," I countered stubbornly. "You and I both know that you can control yourself."

The lines on Edward's forehead deepened as a growing frown disrupted his beautiful face. His disposition quickly shifted from helplessness to determination, and he pulled his hand out from between mine. "Any concerns I felt back then about putting you in danger by my mere presence is nothing... nothing... compared to the very real threat I am to you now," he replied sternly.

I looked at him skeptically, wondering why he would even risk standing in front of me at all if that were the case. He must have had some faith in himself, and that reassured me.

"You seem fine now," I noted softly and tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

"Well, that's because I butchered half of herd of white-tails," Edward laughed humorlessly.

I wasn't sure whether or not he meant that literally but I decided not to ask.

"I've also asked Jasper to keep me calm around you," he said quietly, seemingly embarrassed by his confession. "And Alice... she'll keep one step ahead of me... to make sure I don't..." He trailed off with a deep sigh, then brushed my hair back off my shoulder and cupped the back of my neck in his palm. "I love you so much, Bella, and I'm hoping that my love for you helps keep me strong. You're the reason I'm fighting so hard; I don't know what I would do if you weren't in my life," he said lovingly, his voice smooth and comforting.

I joined my arms behind his lower back and gave a little smile.

"And just incase I may have given you the wrong impression, I don't intend to leave you," he added. "I made you a promise and I am going to stick to it. But I am going to do what I can to make sure you're safe, which is why I asked Alice and Jasper to help me."

Lowering his face down to mine, he hovered his lips just millimeters from my own and threaded his fingers through the hair at the base of my neck. "I could never keep myself away from you."

He sealed his words with another tentative kiss, pulling away before I had the chance to attempt deepening it. I looked at him sadly, not for lack of faith in him, but for the apparent pain that he was suffering. I wished that I could do something more productive to help him as well. He must have been really worried about his restraint if he managed to swallow his pride and ask Alice and Jasper for help. I remembered Alice's warnings and how both her and Jasper had watched him intently before leaving for their hunt. They knew immediately that something was wrong with Edward and were already taking action before he had even asked for their help. It relieved yet saddened me at the same time to have them watching over him like babysitters. I believed Edward was capable of overcoming himself, but I supposed there wasn't any harm in having the added insurance of a future-teller and a vampire sedative.

"We'll get through this," I said, raising my arms around his neck, I hugged Edward close, pressing my cheek to the side of his neck. "And just remember that I love you. No matter what happens. Forever."

I closed my eyes believing in my words, and hoped that despite the way Edward's body tensed as I said it, that he did too.

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